If You Only Had 100 Days To Live,...

I watched The War of the Worlds last night. Although there were some illogical bits, but I think Steven Spielberg outdid himself, on the sci-fi disaster movie scale. It was amazing and scary, all at once.

But it set me thinking about something else, that's close to my heart: If you only had 100 days to live, what would you do with it? How would you live your life differently? What would you say to your loved ones, your friends, society at large? What do you think would become important to you, if you only had 100 days to live?

Share with me your thoughts, my friends.


Steve Jobs spoke in a recent graduation speech for the students of Stanford University, about his life and his discovery that he had terminal cancer. This is what he said:


"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."


And in another part:

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."


So, tell me, folks - what's important to you, if you just had 100 days left to live?

Weekends for the Orphaned Bachelor

Nowadays, I'm beginning to dread weekends. Weekends now to me, signify emptiness.

For most people, weekends represent the opportunity to spend quality time, with one's own family or their aging parents. Or perhaps to have some quiet quality time with one's fiancee, or girlfriend. Or just the opportunity to party and let one's hair down with friends, away from the maddening stress of their weekday jobs.

I swear that I almost get a panic attack when the weekend approaches. No meetings, no brainstorming, no partners and clients, no NGO work and helping people - the stuff that keep my weekdays occupied.

My parents have passed on. My siblings all have their own family and are very protective of their family time together. Not that I get along with most of them, anyway.

Weekends for me, lies usually on the hope that some friends would join me for a few hours of karaoke on a Sunday noon. Or to catch up for banana leaf rice, at a restaurant. Or for a midnight teh tarik with the boys at Sri Hartamas.

Or that someone would like to catch up over a game of Scrabble at La Bodega Lounge in Bangsar, on a Saturday afternoon (and make it a better afternoon, by losing to me). Or visits to MPH, to buy a few more books which I don't need. Though, Saturday nights now are more bearable now, because of Akademi Fantasia - but watching it alone, leaves a very incomplete feeling - who would you discuss the contestants with?

Or at worse, I'll catch a movie alone. Which I hate doing, really. But having a movie alone, is better than not having a movie at all. Theoretically speaking, that is.

Why don't you date, you may ask? Well, it's because I'm tired of throwing myself in front of people who don't want me. And I'm tired of fending off people, who I don't entirely want. For people of a certain age group, dating hardly comes without strings nowadays. And furthermore, good conversation is so hard to come, by nowadays.


I know, I know. You're probably thinking - don't knock it. A lot of people would relish such time, not having to spend the obligatory Sunday with their families. My friends who are parents, complain often enough that they don't have enough time and space, just to be by themselves, for a while.


I acknowledge that. Don't want to get caught up in a "the grass is greener" debate. Everyone has their own grass in life and we have to make the best of it. It's just that - not having a family or someone to call my own, makes me feel "rootless". (Yes, I know I've written about this before - but the problem still persists)

Especially on weekends.

Yes, I could make the effort to pack up the "fillers" for the weekend, like all the abovementioned activities. But at the end of the day - that's what they are - "fillers". I'm not building anything for the long-term, except for stronger friendships. And friends - well, they have their own lives to live too.

And sometimes, all the "fillers" don't work out. Plans made are cancelled last-minute, inconsiderate people don't revert to you with their plans or everyone just has their own thing to do. And then, I'm left with endless hours of reading and more mindless hours, in front of ASTRO.

I can find food for the mind, but where do you find food for the soul? A mind full of ponderings and a soul filled with emptiness, is a harmful combination, in the long run.


I miss my late Mum's "kari ikan", the one she used to prepare for me, every Sunday. I miss being in the family home in Regent's Ville - where if nothing else, the house is buzzing with activity and I could sit there, just enjoying the noise made by Mum, my nephews and nieces, the maids.

I even miss the awkward silences with my Mum, which usually happens after 20 minutes, of any conversation we have. But there is an unmistakable feeling of security - that with my Mum, I would always be welcome and that I belonged in the family house in Regent's Ville - as it was partly mine.

What I miss I guess, is the sense of belonging and the feeling of being "rooted" somewhere. Somewhere where acceptance is unconditional and I don't feel like I'm intruding, into anyone else's private space. Somewhere that has a history and where every corner of the house reminds me of events that happened, when I was growing up. Somewhere where you're not afraid to ask for favours, for fear of imposing on others.

That the space is mine, that the loved ones are mine and that I could always "come home". Even if I don't do it, that often.

But my weekends are nothing like that, anymore. For all the things I have and possess, I find that it is impossible to build any form of "roots" or history alone.

Life is meant to be shared - we're not meant to live, the way we die.

Our personal journey in this life and the next may be our own, but while were still here on God's earth - happiness can only be discovered when you have a sense of belonging and "roots", be it within your own biological family or an extended definition of family. Whether you realize it or not, family is usually the bedrock of your emotional security.

It's how you affect their lives and how they affect yours. And how you grow together and the sense of security that comes from mutual dependability and reliability, if any of you, should stumble or lose your way. And to cheer them onwards in their journey and rejoice with them, for their successes.

I miss my weekends with Mum, in Regent's Ville. I really do. Weekends can be dreadful, for the orphaned bachelor. Well, at least for this one.

Tomorrow's Monday! - yeaayyyyyyyyy!! ;)

Opposites yet Complementary

Opposites tend to attract. Most of us already know this. But what makes certain opposites work and other opposites, fail?

Am sure you guys have seen the scenario played before your eyes before: a girl and a guy who look totally unsuited to each other and the people around them are wondering either why she's with him, or he's with her, or whether both of them can do much better. They stick out like a square peg in a round hole - yet in some funny way, they fit.

He's boisterous, she's quiet. Or he's artistic, and she can't differentiate art from a dustpan. Or she's intelligent, and he's a dimwit. Or he's affectionate, and she's as emotive as a corpse. Or she wants a leader and he's never been a leader, even to himself. Or she's a social butterfly and he's a social retard.

But they work, somehow.

And then there are the people who we perceive as perfectly matched - equally bright, both with riveting and similar personalities, generally wonderful human beings and seem to be the role model for others, to emulate. You expect it to work - and yet it doesn't work.

What are we missing here? Could it possible that our idea of an ideal partnership, may not be as ideal as we think?

The irrationality of love aside - I've discovered that what makes things work for couples that are opposites in nature, is complementariness.

It's the degree of complementariness they have together (on things that matter) that allows both of them, the space and the support to be themselves and all they can be. And in fact, nurture it.

The thing that we tend to forget about couples who are similar in nature, is that their demands of each other, may be similar too. And the degree of expectations, for it to be met - may also be similar. And if those expectations are not met - the possibility of conflict, is very likely. In their similarities, possibly lie the seed of their destruction - that neither side is willing to give in, or give up, on their expectations.

The irony is that, if the complementariness fit together - couples who have less in common with each other, may stand a better chance of flourishing in their relationship. No matter how much of a misfit, they look together. But there's enough give and take within the complementariness (which ironically, sometimes, is the result of them being opposites)to make them last.

And it may happen, with or without love. Complementariness does not necessarily promise you romance and rainbows, but it assures you that there will be less possibilities of thunderstorms. That it will be a smooth, undemanding journey. A haven good enough for those who don't ask for much from life, or for those who feel that striving for anything more, is a waste of time

Reminds me of some lyrics from Barry Manilow in the "Ready To Take A Chance Again" - it goes

"You remind me
I live in a shell
Safe from all harm
and doing okay, but not very well

No jokes, no surprises
No crisis arises, my life goes along
as it should
It's all very nice, but not very good,..."


But sometimes, having similarities, without bothering to further develop your complementariness, may only weaken your relationship. If you're both strong-headed without learning how to give in. If you both demand more of each other and yet, unwilling to give more of oneself. If you seek the understanding of your other half and yet, refuse to give the sort of understanding that she needs.

It would be nice, if you could be similar and yet complementary, to one another. And a bonus too, if you're in love with each other.

But the paradox is that, more often than not, it is the people who are very different from each other, who have more synergistic complementariness. Perhaps, because their strengths and weaknesses, are dissimilar.


There are ample examples of this, in the real world: Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, Salma Hayek and Edward Norton, Tun Dr. Mahathir and Tun Dr. Siti Hasmah, the brilliant economist, John Maynard Keynes and his ballerina wife, Lydia Lopokova, Britain's former premier, Margaret Thatcher and her husband, Dennis Thatcher, the Beatles icon, John Lennon and his wife, Yoko Ono, and the American First Couples, John F. Kennedy and Jackie Kennedy and George Bush Jr. and Lauren Bush.

Some relationships generally already have it, some relationships not - even where you're similar in nature. What is important, is the desire to want to make those adjustments which add to the collective complementariness, of the couple.

And this process is most helped by your ACTUAL awareness of what you want and what's important to you - and not just what you THINK you want or is important.

For instance, if you think having an intelligent wife is a good thing, try arguing with your girlfriend on a contentious issue and see how you feel about it, later.

If you want an ambitious husband, see how you would react to him putting his career ahead of you, when you're in a relationship.

If you think that you wouldn't want a wife that does not have her own life, see how you react when she juggles you with her family, her friends, her work, her gym, her cat and her inability to prioritize.


Be brutally honest. You may surprise yourself, at what you ACTUALLY want, but never dared admit to yourself or others, for fear of looking like a Neanderthal. Once you discover who you really are and what you really want, you have two choices - remain true to your nature or evolve to the "desired state", because what's at stake is important to you.


I did this test on myself and guess what I found out?

I don't really want a rocket scientist for a wife, a reasonably intelligent girl who can't out-argue or agrees with me, most of the time, is fine. I don't want someone with her own life and to juggle me as just one of the components in her life - if I'm the main thing in her life - that's fine with me. I love the attention, I can live with it.

She doesn't have to be a "suit" professional (e.g. lawyers, accountants, architects, etc) - even if she's a teacher, an air stewardess or a civil servant, I'd still love her the same. It really doesn't make a difference to me, if she has a 9-5 dead-end job, as long as she's not complaining.

She doesn't have to be immaculately groomed and stylish - because I won't want her imposing the same standards on me - I'm a capal-and jeans sort of slob and I enjoy it.

And I don't need her to be a social butterfly - as long as she's polite and communicates well, with me and my family. And I don't need to be taught to take care of myself, I'm perfectly fine with someone who is willing to take care of me. I don't mind not having an equal, because the truth is, I like being in charge.

But I do need her to love me and to know that our family is central to her.


So this is the reality - this is what I really want, if I'm honest to myself. It sounds like a Stepford Wife! Haha!

But I'm now honest about what I want. Whether I choose to find someone who can complement me on this path or whether I decide to evolve to "a desired state" - depends on how badly I want the girl. And I guess, how badly she wants me.

After all, opposites must not only attract, but have the ability to remain together, by adapting to one another. Complementariness between a couple must not only exist, it must be developed.

When Time Flies

They say time flies, when you're having fun. Lately, I've been feeling that time flies anyway - even when you're not having fun.

Or maybe it's a sense of perspective - I feel that everyday is getting shorter. And the urgency for filling it up with meaningful things in life, increases.

I remember my younger days in Regent's Ville. Morning school, great lunch prepared by my Mum, tuition classes, sports at school or bowling practice in Asiajaya, TV at home or just bumming around at a friend's place in the afternoon and thereafter football at an abandoned skating rink with the Regent's Ville boys at 5.30 p.m to Maghrib (you can say that we started playing futsal, 20 years earlier than everyone else), back to a great dinner and homework or TV - and then off to sleep at 11+.

The days were long and you could almost taste every minute of experience. Nothing gave me more pleasure than walking through the serene suburban roads of Regent's Ville.

And growing up with the boys - it's one of the most fulfilling things in my life - having friendships that have lasted for 20 years, even in my early 30's. You can have your defences down when you're with people who have known you that long - there's really nothing left to prove to each other. We've seen each other, through our best and worst.

The days in college felt the same. Short classes and tutorials and long sessions at the warung teh tarik, with my college buddies. Volleyball in the afternoon and most of my nights were spent in my girlfriend's family home. What brilliant days, those were. They were meaningful - perhaps, not with my own family - but certainly with people who were dear to me.

These are the days that will never return. These are the days when everything was easy, uncomplicated and carefree.

The world of work ended that for me. The 12-18 hour days (with a regular 7-day week) in a top local merchant bank for 3+ years, tends to suck the life out of you. The money was good and to a certain extent, the learning curve and the work ethic (if you can survive in that merchant bank, you can survive anywhere), but you traded all your time - and life - for it.

I hardly saw anyone other than my equally weary colleagues. My soul felt empty all those years - all I can remember about it, was the endless amount of work and the late hours, poring over documents which shareholders would never read anyway. The endless routine of not seeing the sunset made time fly really fast - before you know it, 3 years had passed.

And the days were never quite the same thereafter - regardless of what I did for a living. The best moments that came after that, were the "national service" bits. Of helping other people succeed and achieve their dreams. The meaningful parts came back again - and time felt longer again. Regardless of what I did for a living, it was helping others that made me feel alive.

But I've learned that when helping others, you have to learn to value the small wins. I had my eyes on the "big win" and I spent years lobbying the Government to achieve the "big win" for my industry. I didn't want to just give them water to drink - I wanted to build them a river, which they can travel on and begin to sell their products.

There were some small wins here and there, some bigger than others - one in particular, was a historical coup - it was the first program, of its kind in the country. It was a "lake", you can say. But it was not yet the "river" that I wanted. I was not satisfied and I pressed on - to the point of exhaustion. And a part of me was telling me that the river I dreamt of, could be just a mirage - never to realize itself.

So, I decided that instead of trying to build a river for others, I shall build a river for myself. I shall now focus more, on me. At the brink of exhaustion, it seemed like the logical and rational choice. The burden of the industry lifted off my shoulders and I convinced myself, that in some small way, I've already done my part for this country.

My new venture is both exciting and promising. But my days are getting shorter again.

Aside from the venture, my other hours are empty. Too much time for TV and solitary reading, when I would much prefer the warmth of company. Or the cuddle of a loving partner. Or the gleeful laughter of children. I've got a great condo with a great kitchen, but what good is that, if you're alone?

And with the exception of the same few loving people, I don't receive calls anymore. I now realize how much of it, was related to my work of helping others. The moment I stopped, so did the phone calls. Most of my friends are busy with their on families now - and who can blame them? I'm just lagging with the stage of my life.

And everyday passes by, like this - an endless circle of meetings, planning, e-mails, trips to shopping malls, catching a lot of movies alone, solitary reading and "what next?" on Astro. And you get into that routine and you get lost in the escapism. Time does fly - but so little of it, is meaningful - because I don't enjoy being alone.

And yes, to a certain extent, it makes me nervous. If I'm destined never to be married, can I take another 20-40 years of this? Of being on the fringe of society and doting on the children of other people's families, never having your own "core" and lineage to focus on.

Getting older and increasingly, having to spend time with younger people, in town - because there is no one your age, left to hang around with. Could I possibly end up as one of those balding, sleazy-looking middle-aged men with the hot buxom twenty-something girlfriend, attached to their arms? (The sort of guys I currently despise? Yikes! Although the idea of the buxom twenty-something does sound appealing ;))

Right now, I just want to capture some of the meaningful moments - when I'm learning, when I'm loving, when I'm sharing, when I'm giving and when I'm receiving. Just in case that this particular work-in-progress (to use Minamona's term) never leads anywhere, I'd like to know that I could remember some meaningful moments, in between recalling a hazy blur of solitary activity-based escapism.

Just in case, there are no fairy tale endings for me in this life, (as some others are lucky enough to have), I'd like to think that there was a moral to my life story and it wasn't just an insignificant waste of time. Even if, it seems to fly by so quickly, nowadays.

Changing Directions

There has been some major decisions in my life last week.

I abandoned my intentions to join the Even Bigger Program, under Rock Solid Partner, because I'm tired of delays and Government bureaucracy.

I retired from my post in the Council of the industry NGO, that I helped to grow in the last 4 years and the platform from which I contributed my service to the seedling companies in my industry and the nation. Even though I felt that I had failed to achieve my targets, the break for "oxygen" was necessary before I become totally disillusioned by Malaysia.

I'm throwing myself full-time into a business venture that has great potential, which I had invested in, a few months ago. And I'm doing it just for me. No greater cause, no public service, no other people to help this time, no Joe Citizen anymore. This one's entirely for me. Just me - Joe Ordinary.

It's always a little scary, when you're getting out of your comfort zone and starting from scratch all over again. But I've done this several times before, in the past. Win or lose, I've benefited from the experience, both ways. It's made me into what I am today and it shall continue making me into the person I'm destined to become.

I'm 32, I'm divorced and single (and an apparent failure in love), I'm not anywhere near the person I envisioned to be when I was younger (back then, all I wanted to be was one of Daim's boys, like Tan Sri Halim Saad or Tan Sri Azmi Wan Hamzah), I'm living in a lovely condo alone and I'm in a new business venture. Life is strangely unfamiliar, but refreshing.

But then, sometimes, in life, you've got to change directions several times, before you can find out what you're truly capable (or incapable) of. Never shut the door on your possibilities and it will never shut its door, on you. That's the only way we're ever going to learn anything new.

It's both fun and scary, to change directions in life. But it keeps life interesting. Your life is now and it's waiting to be lived - but only if you dare.

Aging Gracefully

An episode of Oprah's Prime Time which featured the Presley girls, Priscilla and Lisa Marie and their relationship with one another, really made me think the other night.

Oprah quoted a line from Kahlil Gibran that said "Your children are through you, not of you".

Pause a moment and reflect for a while. It's such a powerful line. It underlines that our children are our responsibility and trust, but yet, we don't own them.

They are not who we are - they are their own persons. We're here to help create them, feed and clothe them, teach and guide them and at best, most religions and cultures require them to respect us, in return.

Even affection has to be earned by effort, dedication and persuasion - it cannot be forced. And even more, if the favour is not reciprocated when we are old, there's not very much we can do about it.

Parenting is probably the most comprehensive and in-depth leadership role, that most adults will be saddled with. It requires a daily commitment to the child and his welfare, until the age at least, where he's able to legally fend for himself. Some parents draw the line at graduation and some draw the line at marriage.

After that, they consider their main responsibility of raising that child to be over. For some parents, this is the time for them to get to know their children as friends, to enjoy the luxury of spoiling the grandchildren, to taste the monetary contribution from their children or simply, to internalize on their own needs, in preparation for retirement, health in their old age and the next world.

You come into this world alone. You touch the lives of others. You live, you lead, you love, you experience joy and heartbreak and then you leave this world. Alone again.

I'm not quite sure what brought me down this train of thought.

Perhaps, because I'm feeling the age and life experience gap between me and the people I'm considering for life partners. Perhaps, it's because my heart breaks a little whenever I see a little girl with pony tails ,and I'm craving for a little daughter of my own.

Perhaps, because I'm wondering at which point would I be called "orang tua tak sedar diri" in nightspots and clubs, by people who are much younger than I. (God knows that I've done my fair share of calling people "orang tua tak sedar diri" in my younger days. Boomerang!)

There is, as Hugh Grant aptly put it, a point where it is not cool to be a swinging bachelor anymore. Perhaps, I'm ready for something more meaningful in my life, but am having problems taking the next step - finding the right person to be with, for the rest of my life. Perhaps, I'd like to do all of these things, before all the important body parts fall off! Haha!

Looking at the (formerly lovely) Priscilla Presley, one realizes that no amount of plastic surgery, will retain your youth. Done wrongly, you may be stuck with a permanent smile which makes you look like The Joker in Batman comics. She does look like that now, actually. Those who resist the effects of aging - beware!

All of us will age physically, some slower than others. Some will grow wiser, some will live, regret and continue living and some will reinforce lifetime beliefs, fears and prejudices, which stunt and wall them in - perhaps, if they're lucky, never knowing any better.

What's interesting, is that there's no way of measuring whether one life is better lived, than another. Every life compared to another, is an apple compared to an orange. Every life is unique.

There are only 2 definite measures, that matter - the objective one, done by the Almighty in the next world and the subjective one, which is one's own personal appraisal of one's life before one leaves this world - in most cases, that can only be done on hindsight. We reap what we sow and we can only we can tell in the final mile, whether we've done too much or not enough. Whether we've lived, drifted or copped-out.

It reminds me of an excerpt from the awesome book "Tuesdays with Morrie" - where when asked why people wished they were young again - the dying Morrie answered, "You know what that reflects? Unfulfilled lives. Lives that haven't found meaning. Because if you found meaning in your life, you don't want to go back, you want to go forward. You want to see more, do more. You can't wait until you're 65".

And in another part, Morrie said, "The truth is, part of me is every age. I'm a 3-year old, I'm a 5-year old, I'm a 37-year old and I'm a 50-year old. I've been through all of them and I know what it's like. I delight in being a child when it's appropriate to be a child. I delight in being a wise old man, when it's appropriate to be a wise old man. Think of all I can be! I am every age up to my own."

There's something in there from Morrie, for all of us to chew on. Perhaps, the secret of aging gracefully.

Killing Our Nation's Future

Read this link.

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2005/6/8/nation/11158816&sec=nation


I'm amazed that year after year, something like this could happen. Not to average kids, but our brightest and sometimes, most well-rounded too. Not to the children of the rich, but of the not-so-rich or poor.

It's like a program where we punish our brightest and force them to look for scholarships in Singapore, or other countries. Or deny them access to local universities and force their cash-strapped parents to mortgage everything they have, for tertiary education. (While some rich Tan Sri's son or daughter gets a cozy scholarship to the UK,...)

We saddle them and their families with huge banks debts, early on their careers, despite the fact that they've done everything required for them, to probably succeed in another country. But not Malaysia.

And yet everyday, our PM tells us to be proud of this nation. Ministers are now telling us to sing the national anthem in cinemas now, to instill patriotism.

These kids have done everything, that they feel that their family and country would require of them. They want to belong and to be recognized for their achievements, in the country in which they were born, and have lived all their lives in.

They accept the difficult Malaysian realities and they know that they have to be the best, to be rewarded. And they didn't ask any favours from our local MPs or Ministers. They went out there and strived to be the best. And they achieved just that.

And every year, there will be more than a handful of our educated best, that will feel that nothing will help them, because they are just not of the right race. Despite having achieved the best of what's possible. This country tells them to be proud of being Malaysians, but there are elements in the civil service that refuses to recognize and give them their due, as the academically best of Malaysians.

No amount of singing, will make this sort of treatment to our best, less repulsive. No amount of singing, will get them to be more patriotic, as they are deprived of all channels to be justly recognized and rewarded, for their efforts. No amount of singing, will make them feel less unwanted, by the Government of this country.

Isn't it ridiculous for us to be singing the national anthem, when we betray the spirit of the song, in broad daylight? It's like observing patriotism more in its breach, than its observance.

What is the point, if we cannot live by the lyrics of Negaraku which says - "Rakyat hidup, bersatu dan maju"? And yet, there are elements in the civil service that erodes that patriotism every year and works to send out a strong big signal in neon lights, to some of our brightest that says "this country does not appreciate you and you will never be an equal".

It's probably the first step to encouraging them to leave our shores - to make them feel like their patriotism is worth nothing and this country does not value, nor recognize them.

Perhaps the scholarship department of the Public Services Department should be called PDD (Public Disservice Department) instead. Because they're certainly not doing this country any favours, by treating our brightest like this.

Shame on you, PSD. Shame on you.

A Heavy Price to Pay

My sister sent me a text message which shocked me, last night.

She told me that my brother was selling off his legal practice, to pay off his mounting debts, currently hovering at about the RM5 million level. The debt problem just became uncontainable. Even a possible bankruptcy is on the cards, if the financial issues are not resolved.

Despite my anger over past issues and his embezzlement of our family assets, I feel for him, right now.

The legal firm was something which he inherited from our late father. It was a cash cow and it was doing relatively well, for a small to mid-sized firm. If he had just stuck to that, he'd be relatively wealthy by now and perhaps, pretty debt-free, too.

But for years, the profits that came from legal practice want to funding all his other business "experiments" in property development, construction, the travel business, multi-level marketing and every other venture, which he "felt" he could make money on, just purely on gut feel.

Abang's not too big on details and he tends to have the Achilles Heel of bad businessmen in the Mahathir era - he BELIEVED in his own inflated sales projection, everything was "geared" to the maximum and the plans were always BIG and involved getting rich quick. Yet as the recent economic crisis has shown, companies which are imprudently managed will get hit much worse, than the others.

Good money followed after bad - and the monies pumped into his other businesses from his legal firm, went up in flames. The legal firm, despite making lots of money, remained small and the loyal staff pretty much went unrewarded, for years. And his ventures are now saddling him with a huge debt now - one that's pushing him to financial collapse.

I remember him saying to me that he wanted his daughter to do Law and to take over the family legal firm. It would be a smooth passing over to the 3rd generation in the family, and would facilitate his retirement plans.

All that is gone now, even though my niece, Ida, will probably enroll in law school, next year. Looks like some things, are not meant to be.

He will sell off the legal firm, but that will only help him contain a substantial part of the problem. It will not resolve the entire debt - he still has to find another source of income to resolve that - albeit, the problem will be on a smaller scale.

But at 46 years old, my brother is starting from scratch all over again, in a new business. Broke and in huge debt.

This time, he's put his faith in the highly specialized syariah-compliant pesaka management services. It has latent potential - but it's a tough market to be in for 2 reasons - Malay Muslims in Malaysia do not generally plan for their death and the division of inheritance properties, thereafter.

They leave it to Syariah laws of fara'id, (for those who die intestate)to handle all that. Some do that, being totally unaware that the religion allows you to plan, to a limited extent, to protect the interest of your loved ones. (This is especially so, if you're a Muslim family with only daughters and no sons or where the man is polygamous)

Perhaps, there will be a day when the market will be large enough, but the growth will take much time, as the Malay market has to be educated on inheritance management. It's a tough venture - the Malays nowadays hardly do financial planning when they're alive - much less asking them to plan for things that happen after their death.

But at a time when all his friends are in the financial prime of their lives and looking forward to retiring in 10 years time, Abang is starting all over again. And worse - because he's still fighting off big debts. If he can keep financially afloat for the next 2 years, at least, he'd be able to see 3 of his 5 children graduate. That will help to stabilize the boat, for the remaining 2 children, hopefully.

I feel for him - I really do. Even if this pain has been self-inflicted and almost acts like long overdue karma, it is still a heavy price to pay. The road ahead is still very uncertain for him. It could get better, or it could get a lot worse.

It's such a costly lesson. But if he learns from it, and comes out of it, being a better person and the brother I used to know and was proud of, 10 years ago - maybe it's worth it.

For you can't put a price, on regaining the redemption of your soul, your conscience, your integrity and the love and respect of your family members. It's a price that God decides for you - perhaps, the price and suffering that you have to pay, for you to be saved from yourself.

I really feel for him. And a door in my heart has unexpectedly opened, for forgiveness to happen. Though I'm still cautious and taking it one step at a time - after all, a leopard does not change his spots overnight. And after all that's happened, respect must be earned and is not automatically due anymore.

But let's hope this leopard does. Because truth be told, I miss having a brother that I could look up to. May God protect his path to redemption.