The Burden of Blood

He was the golden child of the family - his mother's favourite. And yet, at the end of her life, he still broke her heart with his actions.

He always liked acting like a rich fellow - but he's drowning in financial debts, yet unrepentant.

Sometimes, he would take loans under the name of others - and yet not pay the loans - and cause severe hardship to others.

He projects himself as a religious fellow, a Syariah legal expert and goes to the Holy Land for the Umrah every year and several times for the Hajj - but he has forged signatures, embezzled the property of others (including his own mother's) without remorse and regret.

He would insist that he has no money to pay his loans - and yet spend lavishly on himself and his own family - and would willingly let others suffer the consequences of his actions. And he blames everything that happens to him on circumstances - the banks, the economy, the business partners - but never himself.

I've been the victims of his actions several times - too many times. I've even forked out money to settle one of his loans under my name.

And many times, his mistakes have cost me dearly - unknowingly to many people, I've had to live a lifestyle that's significantly below my capacity, because of the burden that he has inconsiderately shouldered upon me. Even though my own financial prudence and standing, is sterling.

I've had to suffer in relative silence - sometimes, giving silly excuses to others, which just makes me look plain bad, as a man. Or perceived to be plain broke - even when I'm not.

And many times, I have found the space to still forgive him.

I keep hoping for change, I keep waiting for remorse and God forbid, an apology for all the hurt and detriment that he had caused to my life.

I keep waiting for a clue - that maybe he does give a damn about what he has done to me.

After 6 years, I think my patience has finally found its limit. And I find myself, unable to forgive any further. I feel stupid, both past and present.

I thank God that Mum is not alive to see him turn into this selfish hypocrite who does not give a damn about anyone else and simply does not take responsibility for his actions. He is for all intents and purposes - financially reckless - and seemingly unashamed of it.

As the Malay saying of that contemptuous lifestyle - "biar papa, asal bergaya" - it is the ugliest of Malay traits, other than hasad dengki.


Once again and for the final time - I shall pick up the heavy burden of settling his loan under my name, so that it will not trouble me again in the future.

Enough is enough - after this, he would have lost my respect as not only a younger brother, but also as a human being.

And I hope he obtains God's forgiveness for his utter disregard of me - because he will not have mine, until he changes for the better. And God help him, should he die the same awful person that he is right now. I will never forgive and I remember everything.

Blood is not always thicker than water. And even in families, love and respect must be continously earned - it is not due by birthright.

Today - you have lost me, Abang.

But don't worry, you will not notice - because you've never valued anything that's important, anyway - just the things that make you look distinguished and wealthy, in society's eyes.

I'm Back, Folks!

Salam Aidilfitri to all! Syawal's entry marks the end of a blessed Ramadhan, which has been good and therapeutic for the soul.

After a long hiatus from blogging (which in itself, was part of a healing experience) - I'm back again - hopefully much stronger and wiser.

Many things have changed since the last time I wrote - some for the better, bringing much joy, satisfaction and success - and others not so significant in improvement but meaningful, in the degree of acceptance that I've displayed.


My sadness over the last split-up is quietly and gradually seeping away - and due to the focus on the new job, as the new top dog of the Program, as well as the exit from the old job at the NGO - I've not had the luxury of truly allowing myself to dwell on all that's happened - or to show the real impact of it, on me.

The weight of responsibility and the importance of what I'm currently doing in the larger scheme of things - and the fact that I love this new job and the role that I'm playing in it - all these have acted like an emotional shield and therapy, from me taking the time to fully taste the grief of loss and overcome it.

Right now, there's so much that I'm truly blessed with and the possibilities of change in my life and the impact on others are virtually endless - that even if I'm still alone - I don't feel that I have a right to be sad. Truth of the matter is - that aside from the fact that I'm alone - life is really quite good.

I wish that I had someone to share it with - but like all other things that have come with patience, perseverance and persistence in one's belief - I truly believe, deep inside, that all other things will come - when I'm best ready and most deserving of it.

Despite all that's happened - I'm at the stage of my life where I believe that good things can happen - if you truly believe, if you fight off the temptation to be cynical and shake off the fear of repeated disappointments and get on that saddle again, if you accept that somewhere in the larger and grander scheme of things - things are unfolding exactly, in the way that they they should.

And that things can happen, if you make it happen and God has decided that it's your role to make it happen - it's just that you don't know it yet.

It's hard to explain this source of conviction to many around me - it's almost surreal - but I figured that maybe it's much easier to lead and to show the way, rather than to plead for faith in many - sometimes in places where hope seems to be a dirty word, nowadays.

People prefer the comfort of cynicism to the risk of hope and disappointment, I guess. You can't fall, when you don't even attempt to stand or walk anymore and where the fear of standing up, is placed on the shoulders of the big bad world, out there that has traumatized and victimized you.

And beware of despair - it is the most contagious of mental conditions.

I can understand that - it's the fear of being taken for the fool all over again - but it's hard to explain that the ultimate act of foolishness, is to stop believing in the possibility of change for the better - that circumstances can change, that people can change and that mountains do move, if we persevere and wait for the right moment to move it.

That different ways of doing things, bring about change. That different people doing things, bring about change. That not everyone is created equal - with the same sort of drive and passion to change things.

If you can't (or don't dare to) believe big - then believe small. But leave that space for hope.

It will be the single most important act that you can do - for yourself and for others.

Once again, Salam Aidilfitri to all of you - and do enjoy the blessing of forgiveness, family and friends, as the light of Syawal beckons. :)


p.s. I'm getting myself a Volvo S40 for a birthday present, soon. Time to give myself a treat.