Of Ambition and Family Work/Life Balance
What exactly does work/life balance mean to you?
Ask this question of a number of family men (or women) and it is likely that the variety of answers that you get will be in the tens to twenties. Don't ask them a vague question - ask them to break it down into hours of a day and ask them to illustrate where they think the balance lies.
It's simple to see why. It could be the type of job or occupation you're in.
A merchant banker does not have the same hours as a civil servant. An advertising executive has different time and deadline pressure points than a civil engineer. A business owner could end up being more of a time slave to his business than an employee to his employer. Those selling consumer products would have a different business schedule than someone chasing up or lobbying a Government tender.
It could be because you've got different ambitions, priorities and goals in life, within different time ranges.
Some young ones want to make millionaire or retire at 40, some are climbing the corporate ladder, some want to grow a multi-million dollar business, some just want to make a comfortable upper middle-class life though not necessarily wealthy, some just want a simple 9-5 job which allows them plenty of time with the family.
Some want good health and little stress, most want the best quality education obtainable for their children and many want to keep up the status game, despite living a life of negative credit and in a constant cashflow crunch.
The definition of work/life balance differs from person to person.
It's related to what's important to you. It's tied to what you like doing and what you're good at. It's tied to the circumstances or environment of your chosen profession, which perhaps, you have no control over. It's tied to the level of income, wealth and affluence that you see yourself enjoying.
It's tied to what you're willing or unwilling to compromise with regards to yourself, your children, your spouse or maybe even your parents. And sometimes, to lead a more balanced and God-conscious life.
Human wants and needs are unlimited and are never identical.
At most, it is aligned in definition - but the details have to be worked out, especially within the members of the same family.
And most of the time - despite all good intentions, the ideal scenario is never achieved - there will be some point in time (especially with high-achievers and ambitious types) where a compromise has to be made - where the best case scenario is probably what is achievable and not what is possible.
The secret to a happy family work/life balance is to do your best to achieve a common aligned target, but to allow some latitude when you're slightly off-target, due to circumstances beyond your control.
Life is not mathematics - it's not an exact science. Family relationships are almost always a give and take between what is attempted, achieved, missed and compensated for.
At the end of the day, you measure the bigger picture, as opposed to the minute details of what hit and what missed. The question that should be asked is: in the bigger picture of trying our best to be fair to all family members, has the substance (as opposed to form) of balance been achieved?
Sincerity does not lie. Generosity of love and affection shines through even the busiest of people, if they're committed to a family or love relationship.
Appreciation of the effort of others is the greatest key in optimizing the strength of love, family relationships and effort. Empathy makes it a perfect package - when you can put yourself in the other's shoes - and try to relate to a situation that you cannot possibly understand, but may be able to accept.
************************************
While I was in the car with Ervan today, I asked him to give me a time breakdown of what he thought was an ideal work/life balance of of a busy professional family man/woman in KL.
He paused for a while - and came up with this: "Pure focused productive work between 9-5 p.m. Family time with kids between 6-9 p.m., which are important. If the situation really warrants it, work from home between 9-12 p.m. (where you're not made to go back to the office) and make sure you shut down from working, at midnight".
I thought he defined his ideal rather well - he recognized the need for a KL professional to work beyond the confines of the 8-hour day. He allocated the daily quality time for family and if work needed to be done, it should be done from the confines of home.
And this no working beyond midnight rule - it's definitely good for husband/wife relationships - if they were regular hours sort of people, at least, they'd be going to bed (or be in bed) at the same time. Couples need time to relate to one another - even if it be in their sleeping time.
*********************************
But ideal scenarios aside, achieving the family work/life balance always requires a continuing compromise - because almost always, working situations are never ideal.
You are almost always, (even if not subject to your own internal self-esteem needs/ambition/targets) subject to the dictates of your environment - your clients, your business partners, the need to network for business at evening functions, the deadlines set by others, the delays and crisis caused by others (which you have to compensate for or fix), the last minute orders from your superiors, the exams you have to study for and pass, the promotion that you're vying for, etc. All these requires managing, on a best efforts basis.
And it is within this dynamic and constantly shifting context - that family work/life balance tries to realize itself, built on a foundation of love and often, the most noble and unselfish of intentions, for other than oneself.
There will be times when you will feel overwhelmed - and you will feel that everything is working against you - in trying to be the best person/husband/wife/father/mother/provider you can be.
I remember what it was like in my days in the merchant bank - 14-20 hour days, slogging over financial and regulatory paperwork, which never seems to end. Endless days of never seeing the sunset. Coming out of the office mostly close to or way after midnight - often exhausted, and undirectedly angry or upset, at your lot in life.
I remember getting upset a lot (and perhaps, looking down) at other Joe Families who had regular 9-5 jobs. I felt indignant that they were so "lazy". I felt that they were not tough enough, to go what I went through.
And I was constantly upset at people who did not understand my situation and exhaustion - I found them petty and I swear that within a distant corner of my mind - I felt that their work was not as important as mine, in the larger scheme of things. I did not understand why they did not cater to my needs - the needs of someone who obviously works harder than all of them. I felt tougher than them - and at the very least, superior in work rate and effort.
I was being a prat. Make that I was being an ABSOLUTE prat. I was so full of myself - and I took the care and love of others around me, for granted - even the Mum I hardly saw. I was stuck in a job I hated, driven purely by the glamour and the money.
I was unhappy with the circumstances of my life - yet I felt that life (and loved ones) owed me a living, because I was working so damn hard - they probably can't even imagine the exhaustion of the daily grind.
But I missed out on one major point - I CHOSE to be there - no one forced me to. If anything, loved ones and others had to adapt to my choice and they did so, without complaint and extending the lengthiest of efforts to put up with my exhaustion tantrums.
And the truth of it is this - I can now empathize with those who are doing long hours, by choice - I have been there and done that.
Whether it is worth it - is a question that can only be personally answered by each different individual going through such things - we are all different.
But what is apparent is this - family and loved ones puts up with the choices that we make (despite them, not understanding it) and tries their best to be understanding of the situation.
Appreciate them - because they're trying their best.
Appreciate them - because they're not there by their choice, but yours.
Appreciate them - because it is their love for you that makes them endure all of it, for your happiness.
Behind every successful man/woman - there is a family of unsung heroes that has sacrificed parts of what makes an ideal life to them. Recognize them - for no ambitious family man/woman, is succesful on his own, without the collective sacrifice of others in the family.
And THAT is Love. Pure, simple and unquestioningly blind.
Ask this question of a number of family men (or women) and it is likely that the variety of answers that you get will be in the tens to twenties. Don't ask them a vague question - ask them to break it down into hours of a day and ask them to illustrate where they think the balance lies.
It's simple to see why. It could be the type of job or occupation you're in.
A merchant banker does not have the same hours as a civil servant. An advertising executive has different time and deadline pressure points than a civil engineer. A business owner could end up being more of a time slave to his business than an employee to his employer. Those selling consumer products would have a different business schedule than someone chasing up or lobbying a Government tender.
It could be because you've got different ambitions, priorities and goals in life, within different time ranges.
Some young ones want to make millionaire or retire at 40, some are climbing the corporate ladder, some want to grow a multi-million dollar business, some just want to make a comfortable upper middle-class life though not necessarily wealthy, some just want a simple 9-5 job which allows them plenty of time with the family.
Some want good health and little stress, most want the best quality education obtainable for their children and many want to keep up the status game, despite living a life of negative credit and in a constant cashflow crunch.
The definition of work/life balance differs from person to person.
It's related to what's important to you. It's tied to what you like doing and what you're good at. It's tied to the circumstances or environment of your chosen profession, which perhaps, you have no control over. It's tied to the level of income, wealth and affluence that you see yourself enjoying.
It's tied to what you're willing or unwilling to compromise with regards to yourself, your children, your spouse or maybe even your parents. And sometimes, to lead a more balanced and God-conscious life.
Human wants and needs are unlimited and are never identical.
At most, it is aligned in definition - but the details have to be worked out, especially within the members of the same family.
And most of the time - despite all good intentions, the ideal scenario is never achieved - there will be some point in time (especially with high-achievers and ambitious types) where a compromise has to be made - where the best case scenario is probably what is achievable and not what is possible.
The secret to a happy family work/life balance is to do your best to achieve a common aligned target, but to allow some latitude when you're slightly off-target, due to circumstances beyond your control.
Life is not mathematics - it's not an exact science. Family relationships are almost always a give and take between what is attempted, achieved, missed and compensated for.
At the end of the day, you measure the bigger picture, as opposed to the minute details of what hit and what missed. The question that should be asked is: in the bigger picture of trying our best to be fair to all family members, has the substance (as opposed to form) of balance been achieved?
Sincerity does not lie. Generosity of love and affection shines through even the busiest of people, if they're committed to a family or love relationship.
Appreciation of the effort of others is the greatest key in optimizing the strength of love, family relationships and effort. Empathy makes it a perfect package - when you can put yourself in the other's shoes - and try to relate to a situation that you cannot possibly understand, but may be able to accept.
************************************
While I was in the car with Ervan today, I asked him to give me a time breakdown of what he thought was an ideal work/life balance of of a busy professional family man/woman in KL.
He paused for a while - and came up with this: "Pure focused productive work between 9-5 p.m. Family time with kids between 6-9 p.m., which are important. If the situation really warrants it, work from home between 9-12 p.m. (where you're not made to go back to the office) and make sure you shut down from working, at midnight".
I thought he defined his ideal rather well - he recognized the need for a KL professional to work beyond the confines of the 8-hour day. He allocated the daily quality time for family and if work needed to be done, it should be done from the confines of home.
And this no working beyond midnight rule - it's definitely good for husband/wife relationships - if they were regular hours sort of people, at least, they'd be going to bed (or be in bed) at the same time. Couples need time to relate to one another - even if it be in their sleeping time.
*********************************
But ideal scenarios aside, achieving the family work/life balance always requires a continuing compromise - because almost always, working situations are never ideal.
You are almost always, (even if not subject to your own internal self-esteem needs/ambition/targets) subject to the dictates of your environment - your clients, your business partners, the need to network for business at evening functions, the deadlines set by others, the delays and crisis caused by others (which you have to compensate for or fix), the last minute orders from your superiors, the exams you have to study for and pass, the promotion that you're vying for, etc. All these requires managing, on a best efforts basis.
And it is within this dynamic and constantly shifting context - that family work/life balance tries to realize itself, built on a foundation of love and often, the most noble and unselfish of intentions, for other than oneself.
There will be times when you will feel overwhelmed - and you will feel that everything is working against you - in trying to be the best person/husband/wife/father/mother/provider you can be.
I remember what it was like in my days in the merchant bank - 14-20 hour days, slogging over financial and regulatory paperwork, which never seems to end. Endless days of never seeing the sunset. Coming out of the office mostly close to or way after midnight - often exhausted, and undirectedly angry or upset, at your lot in life.
I remember getting upset a lot (and perhaps, looking down) at other Joe Families who had regular 9-5 jobs. I felt indignant that they were so "lazy". I felt that they were not tough enough, to go what I went through.
And I was constantly upset at people who did not understand my situation and exhaustion - I found them petty and I swear that within a distant corner of my mind - I felt that their work was not as important as mine, in the larger scheme of things. I did not understand why they did not cater to my needs - the needs of someone who obviously works harder than all of them. I felt tougher than them - and at the very least, superior in work rate and effort.
I was being a prat. Make that I was being an ABSOLUTE prat. I was so full of myself - and I took the care and love of others around me, for granted - even the Mum I hardly saw. I was stuck in a job I hated, driven purely by the glamour and the money.
I was unhappy with the circumstances of my life - yet I felt that life (and loved ones) owed me a living, because I was working so damn hard - they probably can't even imagine the exhaustion of the daily grind.
But I missed out on one major point - I CHOSE to be there - no one forced me to. If anything, loved ones and others had to adapt to my choice and they did so, without complaint and extending the lengthiest of efforts to put up with my exhaustion tantrums.
And the truth of it is this - I can now empathize with those who are doing long hours, by choice - I have been there and done that.
Whether it is worth it - is a question that can only be personally answered by each different individual going through such things - we are all different.
But what is apparent is this - family and loved ones puts up with the choices that we make (despite them, not understanding it) and tries their best to be understanding of the situation.
Appreciate them - because they're trying their best.
Appreciate them - because they're not there by their choice, but yours.
Appreciate them - because it is their love for you that makes them endure all of it, for your happiness.
Behind every successful man/woman - there is a family of unsung heroes that has sacrificed parts of what makes an ideal life to them. Recognize them - for no ambitious family man/woman, is succesful on his own, without the collective sacrifice of others in the family.
And THAT is Love. Pure, simple and unquestioningly blind.
posted by Stingrayz | 1:34 AM
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