The Tragedy of Cynics

Cynics. I've met more of them than I care to count, in my life. And I must admit, it's an attitude that I cannot comprehend.

A cynic is pessimistic by nature, always prepared that life (or the people in their lives) will throw them the worst curve balls, possible. They've concluded that this is the natural state of life - that bad things WILL happen to good and bad people, both and it's only to be expected.

Only a fool (another word for an optimist, they claim) would not know this and refuse to accept this reality.

As a result, cynics tend to have lower expectations of the world, of people, of life and success. They will be the first ones to proclaim (when any bad thing happens) that they've expected it all along (and to say "I told you so")and not to be tainted with the paint of naivete. They are the voice of doom and gloom, when others are trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, in a hard situation. They care less for others, as they don't expect others to do the same for them.

For them, crusades are only for foolish people who have not figured out who the world works, yet and constantly strive to make it better. And soon, these silly people too, will face grave hurt and disappointment, that will push them to the borders of cynicism.

Cynics think they have it all figured out. After all, those who never take risks can only see other people's failures.

Expect the worst from the world and the people around you and you will be insulated from grief. Keep your targets low and avoid striving for something bigger and extraordinary and you will eliminate failure, too. If anyone else succeeds, well, good for them - perhaps, the reality of life hasn't caught up with them yet. Cynics will always be able to identify and highlight the weakness and "luck factor" of those who have achieved success.

Never stand up for anything else than yourself and you won't take the risk of being mowed down by the powers-that-be. Know what is realistically within your current range and just stick within that. You don't have to be ecstatically happy, because - hey, who the hell in the world, is? Try not to think so much about the bad things that happen in the world - don't take it so seriously and it will go away. And if it doesn't, whose noticing, right?

Keep within your sphere and let the rest of the world, burn in the hell of their own making. Cynics are self-centered and self-indulgent. Make sure you can control what is within your sphere and never take risks. Never take the chance of being too happy, and you will succeed in never being heartbroken.

Life is about getting from Point A to Point B, with a simple plan and if you keep on the spectators' sidelines long enough, you will outlive the players in the game. But what the heck, since some of these guys will continue to make the world a better place, why not make sure that we get a slice of the bigger pie too, no?

In the long run, we are all dead, cynics say - so why bother?

The tragedy of being a cynic, is that you try SO hard to be right and to never fall, that at the end of the day, you get it so wrong and fail, without even realizing it.

A life without even the smallest cause or crusade, a life without moments of extreme joy, a life where you will never know your true potential where you keep focused on just performing at the "right level". A life of never knowing the anxiety of hope and realization of luck, blessings and miracles.

A life where you hardly have anything to give to others, for you lack, even the courage, to live your own life. A life where you deliberately live in awe of others, for things which are within your own capabilities, had you tried.

A life where you don't live, but where you just - exist. Where you have no great stories to write, because you refuse to start, on the first word. Just follow the life script of the cynics that have come before you and follow. It's not too tough, is it, copping out?

As I'm writing this, a true blue cynic SMSed me on the folly of passion in life - she wrote me this passage (which I'm sure was quoted from another cynic) - "For passion is the dream of a harlot, from which we wake in despair."

My reply to her comes from Paulo Coelho in "The Pilgrimage":-

"When we renounce our dreams,
We find peace and enjoy a brief period of tranquility,
but the dead dreams begin to rot inside us
and infect the whole atmosphere
in which we live.
What we hoped to avoid in the Good Fight
- disappointment and defeat -
become the sole legacy of our cowardice".


For life is meant to be lived and participated in, and not just observed.

A Note to Ms. Heartbreaker

Dear Ms. Heartbreaker,

Today, you broke my heart and you walked away from what we have.

I'm not quite sure why you walked away. Is it because you never meant all the expressions of love you said to me, on those riveting after-midnight phone conversations? Or is it because you did mean them and you were afraid of what that would mean for the future?

I guess I'd never know, because you unilaterally decided to walk away and say that it's for the best. For whom? For you or for me?

I've lost you and there's nothing I can do about it. On top of that, you've ruined the friendship too.

But as a parting advice, heed my words: Life never entirely works the way we plan it to. Just because we've decided on the path that we think will make us happy, doesn't mean that we will be happy. Just because you've decided not to drive on the highway, doesn't mean that a bus won't knock you down on the road kerb.

You only get what you give in Life. And most times, you get lesser than what you give - but usually, no more than that. If you've decided on a life where there is nothing that you would devote 100% efforts to, then perhaps you should contemplate the returns that you will get from such a "low-target" investment.

People who are afraid of life, love, joy, decisions, realities and disappointments will continue their lives, like the dead - they won't get a chance to live. For a refusal to try your best, is to deny the blessings that Life has in store for you.

But for all it's worth and for all the love that I have for you, good luck in your future life, Ms. Heartbreaker. I hope Life goes according your plan.

And if it doesn't - reconsider and find the courage TO LIVE. My love and prayers are with you, ALWAYS. Thank you for the short and sweet illusion, which I totally fell for. As the Madonna song goes - take a bow - you were entirely convincing.

You must have been kissing a fool.

What Keeps You Believing?

This was the question someone who read my blog asked me. It stumped me, to be honest. It's tough when you believe in your country and your ability to make a difference in it,...and not quite sure to explain why.

I've decided to give the person an answer on my blog because I felt that there could be others, asking the same question.

Wanting to bail out from this country and moving to a place where the environment suits your soul and beliefs. Where things are more straightforward and less complicated - and perhaps where people understand your values and struggles. I'd be lying if I said that migration hasn't crossed my mind.

What keeps me believing?

I think it's because I have faith that change will come, and only come, when God determines that the time for change has come. We are all but pawns in God's greater pre-determined plan. And every little effort we make, is another ripple towards that great change. We cannot help but to be a part of that change - to fight, to fall, to suffer, to learn, to return stronger and wiser and to fight again. And we may even not see the conclusion - for the pinnacle of the desired change to be reached.

We don't have the power to determine conclusions in Life. Only God does. The only power that we have is the CHOICE to strive (or not to strive), despite not being able to foresee the conclusion. The only power we have is to live and strive according to what we believe in, despite all adversity. And to not sell out.

For instance, Communism only became a reality about seventy years after Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels wrote The Communist Manifesto. Even a powerful economic idea takes time to take root and will only explode in a society that was ready to embrace it - in this case, the Russians under Lenin.

Change takes time and reformists are by nature, impatient. And therein lies the paradox of all reformists - passionate about their beliefs but sometimes, too easily drained by disappointments. In their people, in their system, in their country.

What keeps me believing?

Faith, that the good guys will win eventually. That the time will come either while I'm alive or after I'm dead. But I believe that God's on our side - as the old saying goes, if God be for us, who can be against us?

A sense of obligation - that I'm a small piece of jigsaw in the large puzzle of change, in a time spectrum undefined and that I have to play my role, within there.

A desire to live as I believe, in a life that I can be pleased with. You have to like giving to others, to be willing to live for something, that you would die for.

The small guys whose lives we touch and change permanently, from our efforts - because it matters to them. And the compounding ripple effects created from there, within generations. As a close friend used to say: "We're not fighting for the majority that wants for nothing, but we're fighting for the minority in the country that does want something more."

That I think I can make a difference in the long run and that every single fall prepares me, for a bigger future battle and victory.

That I belong here - I can be a migrant in any other country, but I can only be an anak bumi here. And it can't be taken away from me.


I think that's why I still believe, despite all adversity. I'm home, really.

Eyewitness to Our Lives

It was perhaps, my delay in signing up for salsa classes that made want to buy the "Shall We Dance" DVD.

It starred the heart-throb Richard Gere, the sultry Jennifer Lopez and the Oscar calibre actress, Susan Sarandon. The story revolved around a man who took up dancing lessons, to escape the drudgery and boredom of his work and marriage.

One scene which caught me was when Sarandon's character (who is Richard Gere's wife in the movie) said to the private detective she hired, "Do you know why people get married? It's so that they can have an eyewitness, to their own lives".

I pondered the point for a while. Could that be true? Is a lonely life, a life that goes unwitnessed and maybe, unnoticed and uncared for? Is that why we fear being alone and we seek the company of others? Are they witnesses to our lives too? For acceptance, for a sense of belonging, for recognition and approval?

I need to get DVDs that make me think less. It's either that or I should turn the volume down. Hahahaha.

Dido and Duncan Sheik on my mind

The lyrics from "See The Sun" by Dido is circulating in my head, although not exactly in the context in which the song was written:

"And you probably don't want to hear that tomorrow's another day
But I promise you you'll see the sun again,
And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness
And I promise you you'll see the sun again"

And another from the lyrics of "Freshmen" by Duncan Sheik, again not in the context in which he wrote it (Correction: Verve Pipe wrote it according to Idlan and Xena. Thanks guys!):

"For the life of me,
I cannot remember
what made us think that we were wise
and we never compromise,
For the life of me,
I cannot believe that we'd ever die
for this since,
we were merely freshmen".

At about right now, both excerpts from the lyrics are haunting me. Am not quite sure why, but it suits the current mood.

Visiting Tok Su

I rushed to Ampang Puteri Hospital last night, upon hearing that Tok Su had been admitted to the ICU.

Tok Su is my late Mum's uncle (which makes him my grand-uncle) - the only parent she had after her own father passed away and she was Tok Su's favourite niece. He's 85 now, but still of sound mind and pretty good health. His condition was not serious, but he was under observation in the ICU.

Apparently, during his regular medical check-up, there was a point when he did not respond to outside stimuli. The doctors said that the bloodflow to his brain had temporarily stopped causing him to fall into a state of temporary vegetativeness.

By the time I reached the hospital, Tok Su was okay. He was in good spirits, ever the gentleman and was quite animated, explaining to me what had happened to him. He even joked about going to karaoke and dangdut and even made a passing remark about one of his shares on KLSE. He was fine and I was relieved.

Then he spoke to me about Mum. He said, "Look at the number of people, that came for her funeral. Your mother is a very good person and was well-loved by all those who knew her. Itu tandanya hidup yang berkat. You should strive to live like her."

I was moved by his words and searched for the strength to hold back my tears, but I didn't manage very well. It's been over a 100 days since Mum's death and this is only the 3rd time, I've shed a tear for her. I was never close to Tok Su, but Mum's death had brought us closer together. Perhaps, because we both missed her.

I left Tok Su to rest about an hour later - with the thought that family means more to me now, than it ever did. And that in the last one year, my perception of what living a good life means, has changed tremendously. It's the intangibles that make life worth living - a life my Mum had exemplified.

Leaving the Program

18 months ago, I and a few others began the Program. It was a national-level program and it was meant to prove that there was a better way to do things, especially in implementing Government policies for promoting innovation.

Prove a point we did. People saw the good that the Program did and it was recognized for its efforts. Yet the Company that the Program worked under, wanted to kill the program.

NEWCEO and The Beast made sure that the execution of the Program was gradual, but effective. They wanted to change the nature of the Program and defeat it from the inside. On top of that, they're going to downsize the Team and cut the salaries of those remaining behind too.

After pleading to all levers of power in the Government, I have finally thrown in the towel. I am leaving the Program and am resigning on principle. It kills me inside to leave, for the Program was my baby, my creation. I've always believed that if one could prove one's point, then support would rally in one's favour. But perhaps, this is not the case in Malaysia. It is preferable to be politically correct here, than to ACTUALLY be correct.

Cassie will be taking over as the Head of the Program. It has somewhat lifted the burden off me - I know she will do her best to take care of the Team - to retain those who can be retained and to buy time for those who cannot, so that they may find another job.

I will be unemployed next month. Thankfully, things are not too bad financially and I have something big in the pipeline, coming up in few months. Another Program - it promises to be a much bigger one, but with more professional parties than the Company. Alhamdulillah, just this morning someone offered me to work on a short-term 2-3 month project which pays well. Am so thankful for these small mercies, from Him.

I've learnt a lot from the Program - it hasn't all been a loss. I now know more of my strengths, weaknesses and occasionally, my naive faith in people who look sincere. I'm not as optimistic as I used to be about Malaysia, but I'm not yet bitter or cynical. I make a strong effort to step back from that threshold.

There's a side of me that likes to believe that the good guys will prevail, at the end of the day. This country cannot be ruled by those without backbone, sincerity and those who are self-serving. Otherwise, it will be damned.

If not, I can always migrate to New Zealand. :)

I need a holiday. My spirit's taken too much of a beating. I believe in the old Chinese saying that "this too shall pass", but at the moment, it doesn't feel like it and the sadness is engulfing me.

The memories in the Program - both good and bad - will remain with me forever. There's no doubt about that.