A Monologue With Mum

Hey Mum,

Yesterday, it's been one year since you left all of us, for the next world.

And I just wanted to say that nothing has been the same, since you've gone. And that I miss you a lot.

Even though we never really saw eye-to-eye. Even though we were strangers in the same family, but yet not quite. Even though we struggled to find things to say to each other, when you were alive.

Even though with all my heart, I wish that things were different between us and that we should have been given the opportunity to become more like a mother and child.

And time enough perhaps, for you to hold the first grandchild from me. She would have adored you - you were an amazing grandmother. I had always envied my nephews and nieces and the attention and affection, you showered on them. It always seemed like it was a bit too late for me, to try.

I miss your cooking, I miss the way you pamper me silly and I even miss the awkward silences between us, in front of the TV. But I want you to know, that even when I struggled to find things to say to you, having your presence there, comforted me.

The house in Regent's Ville is just a family house - but your presence was my home, Mum. Your presence made me feel, like I belonged somewhere.

And unfortunately, I only realized that, after you were gone.

I pray that you're in a better place now. I pray that you have met Ayah again. I remember shedding a tear, on the day after your funeral when Makcik Zah said - "Let her go. Dah lama dah Ayah tunggu dia,....it's his turn to be with her now".

No, life has not been the same without you.

Yes, the last one year has been full of lessons of what's meaningful and what's important to me. Yes, getting older has taken on a new dimension, when you've lost your roots and you have no one else to live for, but yourself. And yes, the family home, is so empty without you.

But yes - I still carry all the important lessons that you've taught and exemplified to me - respect for one's elders, to be forgiving of the weakness of others, to always try my best in the things that matter, that respect, trust and tolerance are the most important things in a marriage, other than love, that a person is only as good as his strongly-held principles, to be kind to the poor and that whatever it is, my anchor in life, is to return to path of God. I have not forgotten, Mum.

And I shall pass these values on to my children, hopefully - if I'm given the opportunity to have them.

It's ironic that both you and Ayah left us in the month of August, 3 days off each other, but 20 years apart. Some other significant events in my life has happened in August too, Mum. August seems to be a sad month for me, nowadays.

I miss both of you, very much. But believe me, that I carry both of you around with me everyday, in the way I try to live my life. Both of you are there in every act of giving, thoughtfulness and kindness that I spare, to another human being.

And even though I can't hear your voice, your humour and contagious laughter anymore - your memory sticks fresh on my mind. I remember everything, Mum - all the good things.

Enjoy your rest, Mum. Don't worry about me - I'm stronger than I look and I promise I will live a life that will make both you and Ayah, proud.

I miss you, Mum. And I want to say something that I should have said more often, when you were alive - I love you, Mum. You and Ayah both. Very, very much.

Rest now, Mum - you've earned this rest for all the sacrifices that you have made for your children - some of which were invisible to us, while you were alive.

Rest now and know that you're always in my thoughts, especially when I think of what's missing most, in my life.

May God bless your soul, Mum. Al-Fatihah.

Oh, What A Night!

We had my NGO's Industry Dinner last night. It was a resounding success.

We've toiled over it for the last 1 month and I've been predominantly absorbed with this event, for the last 2 weeks or so. There's only 4 of us, handling the entire event and I think that last night's event could not have been so successful, without Steve (not his real name) being the Organizing Chairman. I am both amazed and humbled by his workrate.

It's our first big industry event in 4 years, since the inception of the NGO. And everything about last night, reflected how much the organization has grown in the last 4 years.

We've raised enough money for the organization to last us the next 1 year, at least. (And I think after tonight's success, it's bound to be annual event). And that's a good change for an organization that is passionate about their voluntary "national service" and yet living hand to mouth, without a proper source of funding.

The sweet sour journey has been long and the appreciation awards section of last night's event thanked everyone, who has supported us in that journey.

As I saw each of our "invisible heroes" being recognized on stage, it gave me an immense satisfaction that their efforts are not invisible, to the world-at-large anymore. Without these unselfish and tireless men and women who go the extra mile - the efforts at improving the innovation environment in this country, would be all the much poorer for it.

Judging from the sentiments of all those who came last night, I think the NGO left with a lot more keen supporters and evangelists, than prior to this. People knew in more depth what we've been silently doing for Malaysia and perhaps, that would promote further on-the-ground collaborations, with other parties, in future.

And the event was relaxed and even the VVIPs mostly stayed till the last segment of the event, which was the lucky draw. And it was good to see again, the struggling technology entrepreneurs whom we've once helped - whom are now successful and on easy street. And they came back to support the organization that once helped give them, the kickstart.

My only regret was the cheap and awful stand-up comedian, that we hired last night. I wanted Jit Murad and Harith Iskandar, but the rest of the gang said that The Idiot is 50% cheaper.

Considering that it was a fundraiser dinner, I caved in, much to my regret last night. The Idiot was awful (though he could sing relatively well, too) and the jokes were either not funny or offensive to the VVIPs. I think we lost half the goodwill created before that, due to his lame and offensive jokes.

Moral of the story: If you're choosing a comedian for the entertainment section of a dinner - don't take the ones that are 50% off the good ones. Pay for value and you will get value, for the pay.

But overall, it was a great night. I came home, exhausted and a little hungry - didn't eat very much, since I was busy with the event. But something felt good inside - I forgot how much I enjoyed the thrill of organizing successful events, where everyone went home smiling.

But it was not only that.

Last night, our efforts and the efforts of all those that have supported us in our journey, were recognized by the powers-that-be and the people who matter.

The NGO has done a lot and it's about time, we took a little credit for it. Unlike most other organizations that are obsessive about talking an issue to death, we made sure that we walked an issue to resolution, as well. It'll probably make the road ahead much easier as well, for us to push for a better environment for players involved in the innovation landscape.

And the Council Members of the NGO - well, I've realized how much we've been through together - I have a memory of at least one major event, being shared with all of them. We're not just Council Members anymore - we're family. A truly Malaysian family.

Thank you, God, for this night of full of meaning. My life may be lonely in some ways, but one thing that I've always been thankful for, is that it has never lacked meaning and the avenue for contribution.

Alhamdulillah.:)

Shifting the Floor

Went out for supper with Little Boy Blue tonight. He looked miserable.

I wondered what happened to the boy I once knew - the boy whom had so much laughter in him, that it was contagious. You can't help but laugh along.

His divorce messed him up pretty badly - nowadays, he looks so tired and empty. Perhaps more than he'd care to admit or show. But it's like a black hole that he never got out of.

It's funny - we were both grappling with the same issue - the sense of incompleteness of being alone. I've had it all my life - first, there was no real family, now there's no life partner.

Back when I was a kid, my brother (in the days before he became the unconscionable monster that he is today) taught me of the concept of the "floor".

It's imagining and calculating the worst possible thing that you think could happen to you. Once you know where the "floor" is, anything above that, is a bonus. Because you're already prepared for the worst, come what may.

I've been reflecting on my current unhappiness for a few days, now. And I've come to a startling conclusion: I'm unhappy because in my wildest dreams, I'd never thought I'd be here right now. Divorced, alone and seemingly unable to move on, with life.

In the "floor" of my mind and expectations - I never thought that there's a possibility that I will ever be unmarried, or for that matter, that I might die alone, unmarried. To be without a shared present or future. Or that my lineage or legacy will not be continued.

The possibility is there. And it's time that I acknowledged it. I've gone below my "floor" and I'm unhappy for it. But yet, the situation is very real. And there's a possibility that it may continue, for an indefinite period. And everyday, I'm unhappy - dragging myself through another day of existence, waiting for things to change.

This is simply not viable. I can't keep waiting to be happy. It can't be contingent on something that might never come - or never come again. I'm wasting so much of my life - waiting to "live".

The "floor" has to be shifted. The question that I should now ask myself is: If I am destined to be solitary for the rest of my living days - how shall I make myself happy? How can I be happy with what I have? How should I live, if I don't have anyone else to live for, but myself?

To be or not to be? - that is the question, as The Bard would say it.

Because I'm not getting any younger. Because I'm difficult, idealistic and impractical. Because I follow my heart - and I'm living in a world, that has largely forgotten how to. Because logic does not rule the world and most people run away from their own shadows, much less chase their own destiny. Because right and wrong have become such subjective values, in the eyes of many.

I have to be happy, today. And if I don't know how to, yet - then I have to learn. Because it could be years before I am where I want to be. Or it could be never.

But even Adam in Heaven wanted an Eve. What makes me think that I'll be able to be happy alone, for the rest of my life? I don't have an answer to that. Maybe Heaven does - but I'm tired of being in the Hell of Disillusionment.

I want to live. I want to feel what there is, to be felt. I want to live my life like I was the only person, that matters. And to live it without fear, for I am the only person, I risk. Invulnerability, is a person whose not afraid to die for his cause and belief.

Slowly, I shall start shifting the "floor" - many things will necessarily, change. I'm tired of waiting for your reply, God - your silence has left me lost and confused.

But no more waiting, for tomorrow's sunrise. I'm going to make my own moonlight tonight and it shall be my guide, in this pitch blackness of night.

If this be your Fate for me, Almighty - as cruel and harsh as it may seem to me - I will make the best of it. For that is all, that's within my power to do. For hope, is the denial of reality.

Dissecting Desperate Housewives

My irregular sleeping patterns (yes, the one where I find myself waking up at 5 a.m. sharp for no apparent reason) has been giving me an education.

5 a.m. television can be pretty interesting. There could be a thought-provoking movie or if you're lucky, there could be Oprah.

This morning, it was Oprah. And the issue centered around the "Desperate Lover/Housewives" syndrome (yes, similar to that runaway hit TV show, surrounding 4 gorgeous women with issues) - what was termed by Newsweek recently, as the "New Infidelity" - where infidelity is not just a man's domain anymore.

The first person who spoke on Oprah, on this issue - was a pilot's wife.

She blamed her infidelity on the communication breakdown with her husband - they just stopped talking about their problems. Angered, lonely and frustrated at the attention she felt she was not getting - she boldly ventured into an illicit affair, with another man, for the next 1 year.

Asked whether she felt any guilt at all about the affair, she said: "No. I just felt that I deserved to be happy. There was no guilt at all."

Unfortunately, her marriage fell apart when her husband discovered her infidelity, caused by a deliberate move by the lover, to send an ill-timed bouquet of roses, to her house. Her husband could not accept her and her marriage of 8 years, disintegrated.

Another woman, decided to confess her infidelities to her husband, after an 8-month affair. She was wracked with guilt and decided that she could not carry it on any further. Luckily for her, her husband accepted her back and they took steps to strengthen their marriage thereafter.

Another woman, left her husband, after the affair. When asked why, she said: "My lover taught and showed me that I could be a far better and happier person tomorrow, than I thought I could ever be yesterday." She had no regrets on leaving, even after the affair did not work out.

But most of the women, who managed to salvage their marriages/relationships, admitted one thing: that all they wanted their husbands to do, was to ask them - "What can I do to show you, how much I really love you? And what can we do to make you happier and our relationship stronger?"

They never really wanted another man - they just wanted to make it work well, with their husbands. (Perhaps, that's the basic difference between men and women, being unfaithful).

All men contemplating to have affairs with other people's girlfriends/lovers/wives - please bear this is mind. It's not YOU that they want, it's what you give that their husband doesn't. No matter what, they tell you.

THAT's the man they really want. The affair is just a convenient outlet, for things they cannot express to, or resolve with their husbands. Sometimes, the ingredients are already there in the relationship - it's just a matter of both parties, connecting the dots.

But most of the "victim" husbands, acknowledged that they saw the problem in the marriage and did nothing about it. And their strong blind faith in their wives, blinkered them to even the remote possibility, of their wives being unfaithful. Most of them, declared shock and disbelief, upon discovery.

The Newsweek editors also said, that they received huge responses from women, after their article on the "new infidelity". And most women just needed to be asked and their confessions would come pouring out like water - it's like a repressed truth, that needed to come out.

And the phenomena seems to be more common, than we think.

I wonder how many desperate girlfriend/fiancees/wives there are, in Malaysia. In quiet, and/or illicit desperation? Perhaps, the TV show "Desperate Housewives" is another form of "reality TV" after all.

Well, till the next 5 a.m. insomniac TV education therapy,...have a good weekend, folks!

Ungu Violet and The Indonesian Hepburn

"Begitu sempitnya waktu, begitu besarnya cinta".

Tonight, I went to watch the hit Indonesian movie "Ungu Violet". When I was Jakarta, posters on this movie were on billboards, everywhere - it seemed to be a huge hit, for a romantic movie.

And with a cast which includes the sublime Dian Sastrowardoyo, the moody Rizky Hunggano and the veteran actress Rima Melati, (who used to act in some of our old pendekar movies back in the 1970s) it looked promising.

Overall, it wasn't a half-bad movie - there were parts which I felt that could have been done better, to make it less dragging (like French films - full of subtle and meaningful silences) but the sheer strength of the acting by the leads, gave life to a somewhat simple plot.

And as it typical of Indonesian movies nowadays - the camera work is dynamic and refreshing - each shot was like a portrait, captured in time. Combined with compelling background music and good music tracks, it kept you focused on the storyline.

And parts of it, were surprisingly daring - especially the kissing scenes.

Dian Sastro (of the runaway teenage hit "Ada Apa Dengan Cinta" fame) once again proves why she's Indonesia's darling and certainly, in my eyes, an Indonesian version of Audrey Hepburn. She manages to roll out innocence, elegance and understated but brimming sexuality at the same time, in different parts of her role.

When Dian Sastro acts, there are movie moments which are absolute gems that could only come from her expressions and interpretation of that role. It's more than just beauty - it's how that beauty is combined with a whole lot of talent, which creates a much loved character, that the audience would root for.

Rizky Hunggano did not perform too badly, either. Despite the scene with the doctor being a little flat, one could peek into the conflicts in his soul, from his facial expressions. Rima Melati showed why experience counts - when she played the limited scenes she had as Dian's grandma, to full effect.

One line which particularly caught me, was in a scene where Dian Sastro and Sharifah Zifa were acting as two rich and successful magazine models, that were discussing marriage and the man that the former, should end up with.

Dian asked Sharifah whether is it not right for her to wait for a Prince Charming that loves her and that she loves in return, too (instead of marrying someone she clearly did not love). To which Sharifah (or her character's name, Herlina) replied: "Kamu fikir mungkin ada lelaki yang berani dekat pada kamu, dengan hanya ketulusan hatinya saja?"

I think a lot of successful women could relate to this, in modern-day Asian society.

The romance could have been elaborated on, a bit more. Character development and the interplay between the major characters, could have been deeper - if it wasn't trying to imitate French films too much. But watch out for the twist, at the end.

Overall, 3 out 5 stars, for this Ungu Violet. It's entertaining. For the boys, it's worth watching, just for Dian Sastro alone. :)

Will now go hunting for the soundtrack - I think it'll be well worth the buy.

Can You Tell Me How To Be A Man?

(This one's inspired by my phone conversation with Min and further discussions, with Xena. And also by the newspaper article that said men are growing breasts due to female hormones in the water).

Some questions flew through my head, last night. What does it mean to be a MAN? What does society expect out of a man? And following therefrom, am I fulfilling those requirements - sufficiently?

Biologically, I'm a man, of course. But society does expect certain attributes which they link to being manly.

Amongst the typical ones are physical strength, a masculine physique and mannerism, leadership capabilities, sporting abilities, a "take charge" attitude, a family leader, an economic provider or perhaps wealth, confidence, machismo, virility, a high degree of sexual attractiveness, a sex God in bed, a square jaw, a five o'clock shadow, a low threshold of emotiveness, "cool" under pressure and an emotional pillar to lean on, etc.

Now, I've never thought about this before - but it occurred to me that I might not fulfill a lot of the requirements, above. Attributes which make me manly - typically, that is.

You see, I grew up around women - or men who never flaunted their masculinity.

My late father (whom I lost when I was 10) was the gentlest soul I've ever met. He pampered me, more than my late mother ever did - in her whole lifetime. It was from my old man that I first received my mental imprint of what it means to be a man. Though it never occurred to me (until now), that it might not have been typical.

He was soft-spoken, intelligent, communicative, treated women like an equal (because that's what my Mum was, in the family), a rising political star with strong principles and integrity, blessed with a great sense of humour, was extremely comfortable with public displays of affection, comfortable in crowds, humble and had this uncanny ability to poke fun and laugh at himself - totally self-confident.

That's what I remembered of the old man. And that's how my late mother and his friends have described him to me, over the years - as I pieced together, bits and pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that described, who my old man was, to the world.

After the old man passed away, I noted that most of the influences in my life, were female. With the exception of the Regent's Ville boys, my heaviest influences have been women.

My late mother, who I lived with for 9 years, until I flew off to the UK and who I spent countless afternoons with watching Hindi or Indonesian movies. She was the first one who taught me to appreciate Malay movies - my first Malay movie in the cinema was "Abang", starring the iconic Rahim Razali and the legendary Ahmad Yatim.

Ms Agnes, the trainee teacher in Regent's Ville primary school that read out my first "Best Essay of the Month" in class, when I was 12 - a poignant piece which had her and some of the girls in the class, crying. I'll never forget that moment.

The girls in primary school - Karen, Ida, Adelina and many others. I spent more time playing "catching" during recess than sepaktakraw or football - much to the envy and chagrin of my male classmates.

My elder pet sister, Sue, who was my first big "crush" and emotional lynchpin and the person who taught me how to reason and to be sensitive to the nature of others and forgiving of their weaknesses. I would say that she was the most central influence of my teenage years -and it kept me rock steady. She taught me how to strive, to believe in my dreams, to achieve, to think that anything is possible.

Her family celebrated all my victories, no matter how small. It helped that Uncle Nik, was very much like my old man - not very much on the typical machismo shit - but a great big man, with a great big bear hug. I'd never forget his bear hugs - it made me feel loved.

My first girlfriend, Lina, spent 7 years in a relationship with me. Starved of family affection herself, she appreciated the hopeless romantic and sentimental side of me. It helped that she didn't have any imposed limitations in her mind (perhaps, due to her youth) - as to how good it could get.

She believed in the "happily ever after" equation - the good days were great, the bad days were hellish and the reconciliation after the fights, were always divine. Up until the end of that relationship, I never encountered anything that remotely suggested that I was an "untypical" male. Yes, I was different from most of my "macho-shit" male friends - but I always thought that it was just because, people are different - and that they had their own ways of expressing themselves.

It was only after Ms. Fickle, that I began to realize that some women can't stand men that are dedicated, sentimental and loyal. They appreciate it, some of the time -but most times, they like their man strong, rough, "dangerous" and hard to keep.

It's the "tak hairan" syndrome that keeps them on their feet and working to keep that man. You keep the thrill of the chase alive, when you have to work hard to obtain and retain your man's affections.


And then, there was my ex-wife. She accepted me, just as I am. Despite the fact that her ex-boyfriend of 5 years, was the most typical male in the world,...and then some.

Our marriage was short-lived, but I never felt that she expected me to be anything else, than what I was. And she loved the fact that I lived for more, than just for myself. She appreciated that I helped out in the home and the kitchen - most people in my late mother's generation (and some of the guys in mine) would have frowned.

And then, there was N - who felt that I was not manly enough in certain ways (because of my affectionate mannerisms), too sentimental by nature and not emotionally hard enough for a guy. And she pointed out that I didn't love myself enough - that I could take better care of my dressing, my appearance, my diet, etc. - perhaps, things which were not high on my list of priorities.

Upon reflection, it occurred to me that the biggest emotional influences in my life, had been women. From a friends, family and social circles environment - and even the readers of this blog - they're all mainly women.

Perhaps, that would explain a few things. Why I don't fit in with the typical requirements of what society (or more particularly, women) would like out of a man. I mean, a woman wants a man, and not a pseudo-woman that looks like a man.

Maybe I should look and act a bit more, like the typical man.

After all, it seems like the machismo-types, the trendy ones, the chauvinists and the "bastards" are cornering the market. Maybe it's time for a change - at least, just for appearance sake. No one buys a product with good functionality but an awful design.

But despite these "cosmetic" changes - I guess the thing that I would like to teach my children (and hopefully, they find me manly enough, haha!) - is that being a man involves more than just one's public appearance.

It's the honesty to admit one's mistakes and to be accountable for one's actions, it's the ability deliver when it counts, to take a stand for a principle and to never "sell out", to sacrifice and make a difference in the lives of others, to be a leader of a family and society, to be loving and supportive of the woman you love, to challenge the norms which threatens to stagnate our society and nation, to be resilient and never give up, to understand and to forgive others, to be secure enough about yourself, (and to laugh at yourself) without constantly belittling others and to live life to the fullest, without limitations in one's mind.

From my personal perspective, it would be "manly", for a man to do some of these things - because these things require a lot of courage and fortitude. And most men - shy away from it.

But in a world that has largely forgotten how to measure and weigh substance, perhaps some cosmetic changes on form, is necessary too. A man is like a car - if the design is poor, then no one will even step into the showroom or drive out with a purchase.

Maybe I should start hanging around with more typical males and pick up a few tips. (Maybe I should pinjam my stepfather's Old Spice!);)) But man, this weird line of questioning is going to blow their mind,...haha!