Walking on Broken Glass

A true friend is someone who would have the courage to speak up to you, when he feels that you've done wrong - be it to yourself or others.

And I'm thankful for the friends whom I have, with such courage. I appreciate their efforts in keeping me on the straight and narrow - and for not judging me, on my past mistakes and all too human frailties.

And I'm thankful that at least, they would ask me for my side of the story, before they make up their mind about the "truth".

There are not enough of these sort of friends, around. Definitely, too few of them.

Some friends will just remain silent. Some "friends" will drag your name and personal life across town, so that it makes for lively dinner gossip and there's something about running their own friends down, that makes them feel good about themselves. Some will judge you and make their conclusions about you, based on hearsay and the explanations of only one side.

Some others are even worse - no matter how many times you help them, they simply cannot extend their sincerity, much less gratitude for help given.

There are many days when I pretend not to know about what they're doing. Simply because confrontation would be socially awkward and messy and I've never believed in making enemies. But I do know what they say and do (and occasionally, it hurts me) and somehow, I'm silly enough to accept it and remain friends with them. Although they'd probably be the first people to kick me, when I'm down.

Never mind. Some truths will remain buried while the lies take their place, because the truth is dispensable, to a lot of people. They don't know how to tell the truth to others, because they can't even tell the truth to themselves.

I know and God knows. What society thinks they know does not matter, in some things - even if I have to be the fall guy. I don't bear any grudges, because life's too short and holding hatred only poisons you from the inside.

And for some of the people whom I used to love - please be grateful that some things will remain buried with me. Because hiding the truth, has come at the expense of my own personal reputation, in the eyes of others. And on most days - it does not matter to me. All of us have moved on, with our lives.

I will forgive. I will pretend not to know. And on the days that we meet, I will still be warm and cordial to you. But if you're reading this (and you know who you are, if you feel guilty), please know that I know, what you've been saying about me.

It's just that I choose not to acknowledge it.

Turning Point: The Trip, The Challenge, The Deal and The Birthday

The Big Trip is still on my mind. Now that certain other major things have happened in my life.

I've made a promise to God and I shall go. As soon as I tie up a few loose ends in my life here - I'm definitely going.

I want to keep my promise. And I hope He grants me me my deepest wishes and prayers. InsyaAllah.

But I have no other expectations for The Trip, other than bringing me closer to something that's currently missing, in my spiritual life.

*******************************************************

The challenge period is for 4 months. I know she thinks that I can't do it. And obviously, she knows that it's going to be quite difficult for me. Especially, considering the major event that happened.

But when I set my mind on something, I can do it. Although it's been quite a while since I last achieved it - I think the last time round, was in 2003 to 2004.

I'm picking up on the challenge and I'm going to win it. Even if it kills me.

******************************************************

Next 2 weeks is an important week for the biz.

I'm excited but I'm containing myself preparing myself to not be disappointed, just in case, both deals don't go my way. But yes, would love to get the deals - both of them. It would be a great personal achievement for me.

God knows how much I want it - it's such a great opportunity and it's not a window that will open for many. I may just be lucky.

Be still, my beating heart. If it's meant to be your rezeki, it will be. If not - then it's not meant to be yours. Such is God's will.

And at least, in my personal life - I SO understand what that phrase means. Hell, I'm a veteran at it. It's just a matter of applying it to the biz now.

Pray for me, folks!

**********************************************

My mother passed on at 64 years old, 2 years ago on the 24th. My father passed away 21 years ago, on the 21st. She was 64, he was a youthful 51.

No one knows how long they're going to live. One can live up to 100 or die tomorrow, depending on what God has planned for us.

If I live as long as my late mother, I'm about halfway through, give or take. If I live as long as my late father, I'm more than 60% done with my life's journey. If I live longer than either of them, every single year I have would be a bonus, I feel.

And I guess that's why the next birthday coming up in Syawal, bothers me a little.

In my mind, when you're at least, halfway through - you should stop looking for directions and be set on a path, already.

It's like doing a Ph.D - the initial part is to read and explore all the branches of knowledge in your resaerch area. But at one point, you've got to stop having such a diverse set of options and commit to a tiny branch of a research topic that you'd like to follow through on. You can't still be "gliding" in the final year of your Ph.D - still asking questions about what you're supposed to do.

Life is short and there is so much to do, to achieve, to experience, for oneself. And to grow and nurture for others.

I think I've asked more questions in this short lifetime, than a lot of people have - and fought on many more emotional battlegrounds, too. There are many scars to show, for everything - some cutting so deep inside that no amount of time, will heal it. It's permanent.

But I guess I never expected to be where I am right now - at my age. There are so many basic experiences which come so easily to so many others - which I can only look forward to experiencing - without ever knowing, whether I'll ever get there.

There was a time when I used to believe - now, I'm not so sure anymore. Now, I pray for strength and patience, for the things that may or may not come. As long as I don't break like Eusoffee Abdoolcader did. God forbid.

Yes, I'm scared sometimes that I'm running out of time. And a little frightened that my youth and health will leave me, before some of the important things in life - like parenthood - arrives. Hani Mohsin dropping dead at 41 does not help the confidence, any.

But I must be true to my nature, myself and others.

Stay the course and do it right, this time. I'm too old to be gambling my life and the lives of others, just because I'm afraid. No - this time, it must feel right. All good things must be built on correct and strong foundations.

And I know what my foundation is - and I should never be tempted to compromise, for I will only hurt myself and others. It's all or nothing.

Not a birthday I'm looking forward to. But maybe Syawal will change my mind.

Who knows?

Never Say Goodbye

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (which means "Never Say Goodbye" in Hindi) is the superbly talented Karan Johar's latest movie.

(For those not in the know, Karan Johar is one of the most talented directors in Bollywood and ranks up there with the likes of Yash Chopra and Sanjay Leela Bansali. Karan is also the host of the popular talk show "Coffee with Karan")

And I dare say, it's his best movie so far, after "Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham" and "Kal Ho Naa Ho". The screen chemistry between Shah Rukh Khan and my favourite Hindi actress, Rani Mukherjee, was absolutely sizzling. And the supporting cast of Amitabh Bachchan, Abishek Bachchan and the sultry Preity Zinta made a splendid trio, too.

Of all the Hindi movies I've ever watched in my life, THIS is the movie that I identified with the most. Most of the feelings, issues and dilemmas highlighted in the exquisite storytelling were all too familiar.

And it made me realize 2 things.

First, that the only thing scarier than stepping into a marriage for me - is stepping into a second marriage, after my first one has failed.

You're a lot more cautious the 2nd time round - you second guess all of your own judgements and you rely a lot less on your faith in the future and more on the degree of certainty, in the present. The anxiety of having to get it absolutely right, is nothing short of murder.

Secondly, as Xena had said it after watching the movie - one should always remember lessons from past mistakes, so as not to repeat them.

Once you know yourself and your own true nature, have the courage to follow through on what you already know - and resist the temptation to compromise for less. It will only lead to sadness for all, in the long run.

Hindi movies today (especially the ones made by Karan Johar) are closer to realities in life, than you think.

Definitely, a case of art imitating life.

***********************************************

At many junctures in my life, I have chosen to be unorthodox in my approach towards life. Sometimes, I reject the mainstream way of doing things because I derive much pleasure and spiritual and emotional nourishment from breaking the mould.

But sometimes, I wonder whether my choices have cornered me.

Yes, I'm happy with being different - but will my loved ones ever understand my choices? Or more importantly, will they accept it? Does truth override perception? Does sincerity of friendship overcome public pressure to conform - of being told by others who are more lost than you are, that there is a "right" way of doing things?

Going against the grain, always has a price to be paid - usually, a personal one.

Sometimes, I feel that the lives of those who are never filled with a desire to fight the tide, are blessed. They will always be mainstream, they will always be approved of. They will always make money, by going with the flow - whatever its wider implications to others.

And best of all, they never know what they've missed by being in the mainstream.

Me? I enjoy being on the on the non-mainstream fringe.

Where the texture of life is different, richer on many different levels, more colourful and passionate. Where you live by your own measure and try to not get bogged down by expectations of loved ones and society and the pressure of conformity.

But being different isn't always easy. If you choose to be different - be prepared that one day, your values will be questioned and challenged by the majority who think that there is only one viewpoint that's correct.

In the world of black and grey, there is no space for rainbow colours.