Emotion Fasting

In the next few months until Hari Raya Aidilfitri or so, I'm going on an emotional fast.

I haven't had one of these in years, now. It's basically a time when I avoid any form of emotional entanglements, focus on my work, myself and some self-improvement and personality "makeover" (if not a physical or an activity-based one).

It's a time when I internalize and take time out to make personal quantum leaps in life - and change in unexpected directions, when I'm determined to do so. I'm a natural Scorpio - change is easy for us, once we set our minds to it and when we're determined to follow-through.

I'm looking forward to the quiet time and the lack of emotional complexity or of complicated and complicating people.

As I looked through some wedding photos on Friendster and reflected on how turbulent my emotional life has been since end-2004 - I know that I've been through a roller-coaster of emotions, which would have most people floored and devastated by now. But I'm still standing, still forgiving and still not bitter - at least, in most cases.

My self-esteem has taken somewhat of a battering and I wonder sometimes, whether I'm worth loving by the people I love - but I snap out of it quickly enough and count my blessings for close friends who are caring, respectful, constant, consistent and worth their weight in gold.

I may be awful in one aspect my emotional life - and I may always be awful in that area, if track record is anything to go by.

But in many other aspects - I'm living my life exactly the way I want to, right now - I'm living my dreams, my principles and I'm doing my part as a pro-active citizen- without wavering, without forced silence in fear, without losing my belief in ideals of constructive change, that must continue standing.

Yes, there is a small price for all this - I know that in many instances in my life, silence would have benefitted me greatly, from a financial perspective and my life would have been very different, now - but there are no regrets. This soul is not for sale.

I'm not exactly sure where it's leading to, just yet - but I have faith in destiny and that what you are saddled with, is no more than what you can bear. Wherever it leads to, I will do my best and I will want to have few regrets in life.

But yes, let the emotional fast begin. It's a time to internalize, to simplify, to look within and be stronger. If all good things come to those who wait - let it come at its own pace - I shall not wait in anticipation or hope, anymore. I shall just keep on improving.

There is a great life waiting to be lived, begging for my focus. I'm halfway through my life and I guess, I really want to find out where this leads to.

May the next few months be the most interesting ever, yet.

A Different Me, Perhaps?

Yesterday, for the first time (perhaps in my life), I felt like I wanted to be somebody else.

For a brief moment yesterday, it felt inadequate to be me. I found myself wanting to be more like the typical possessive man, jealous and manic to the point of constant suspicion.

I must admit that I have no idea what those feelings must feel like. I've gone through so many things which have taught me that if you love someone, you trust them. You may not trust the rest of the world, but you trust the people you're in love with.

But I wonder sometimes, whether my trust and respect for my loved ones, can be construed to be uncaring? After all, jealousy is a sign of love and many women love it, that their partners are capable of jealousy. It shows that they're still noticed, cared for and wanted - constantly.

I hardly have a jealous bone in my body - I don't quite know how to do it.

But the intensity of my feelings for my loved ones and my patience for all the things that they put me through, I dare say, is unrivalled. I'd do pretty much anything for the people I'm in love with - literally. And some of my friends have commented that my tolerance for difficult and complex people that I'm in love with, seem to be limitless.

It's just that I don't show it in that way. I've always thought people who are possessive and overly jealous, are an insecure lot - despite all the great things they have achieved in life, ironically. Many people don't understand that trust is a 2-way street - if you expect it, you must give it - and assume the best of people, unless God shows you differently.

But yes, for a brief moment - of about 2-3 hours - I wished I was someone else - before I snapped out of it and realized how much work (and experience) it has taken for me, to be who I am today. I went through hell to be who I am today - and this is not an accident of fate, I worked hard to be the person who I am, today.

This was not a mistake and if there are people who cannot value the untypical traits of a man - well, maybe they're just not for me.

Yes, love is blind and foolhardy, at times - and there may be many things you may be willing to sacrifice to make something work with your loved ones (even the close friends who have been there for you, countless times).

But no one is worth sacrificing yourself for - if they can't take you for who you are, they've never really wanted you for who you've been. And they probably want you, for the person they eventually expect you to be.

And no amount of love, on either sides, changes that fact. Not any amount.

On Being Needed and Wanted

There is a major difference in being needed and being wanted.

Today, I pondered on whether the distinction really mattered to me. In most areas of my life, it's good enough to be needed - for people to acknowledge that my presence makes a difference - that I'm the right solution to the right problem. Or maybe just a problem, any problem.

Sometimes, you grow so accustomed to that - that it becomes good enough to be needed and you can't seem to distinguish anymore between that and the feeling of being wanted - truly wanted for who you are. And you start feeling like maybe being needed, is just as good as being wanted.

But no it's not, really. It's nowhere near, as good - and if you can even remotely remember what it feels like to be wanted and how good that is - you might not settle for just being needed, as and when the need arises.

Because as a close friend said - being wanted implies that a person chose to be there with you, not because circumstances has somewhat forced him to do so. Being wanted, means the other person is there for you because you're just as important as he is, if not more.

And if you can remember - being wanted by someone you want - is the most divine feeling in the world. It's the choice - the commitment and willingness behind the choice - that makes it all so sweet.

It's nice to want someone who needs you - but it's best to not settle for any less than a person who equally wants you, as much as you want her. When she drags her feet on small, simple but thoughtful things and gestures - she probably doesn't want you.

Settling is not just about not choosing your 2nd choices - it's also about not letting yourself be the 2nd choice for others.

There is no equal measure in treatment either in friendships or relationships - but you can always tell when a person thinks about more than just himself or herself - and bothers to be equitably fair and thoughtful to you, without being asked to do so. You can tell. The signs are telling and all there.

Yes, I'm okay with being needed - but I realized today, how much more I'd rather be wanted.

Because gratitude and obligation will never rival desire and sincerity, in the sweetness and fervour of reciprocity. Never.

Love others. Love yourself. Love others who love you, in return. Get what you deserve.

The message is blinking, like broken traffic lights in my mind.

Uncle Tan's Hopes

Another sad day is here.

Teng Ta's father passed away on early Friday morning, after battling brain tumour (and a fading memory ala Alzheimer's and with diminished mental capacity) for a period of close to 1 year, or so. Teng Ta is what I call my former Singaporean housemate, during our days in London, in his cozy apartment in Whitechapel.

From a workaholic corporate high-flyer in a multinational corporation to a quiet life devoted to religion, as a pastor, in his final years - Uncle Tan's transformation was nothing short of spectacular. He was quietly unassuming, yet inspiring in his humility.

I remember what Uncle Tan once mentioned to me during one of our conversations, many, many years ago. He related that in the true friendship that Teng Ta and I have, he saw hope that one day - the Malaysia-Singapore relationship could vastly improve, on a substantive basis - and not be the "volleyball of politicians".

He imagined a day when people could stop "wearing flags" on their sleeves "and the past as their badges" and to treat each other first, as human beings rather than citizens of geographical locations and allegiance. He saw what we were doing as defying convention, "building bridges" across races, nations and the thick of prejudice.

I've known Teng Ta for 13 years now, since our university days and our bond of friendship is now stronger than ever - even though I only get to see him 2-3 times a year. He now has a lovely wife, Karen and a baby boy - he's living a pretty blessed life, which I'm rather envious of, sometimes.

On Sunday, I will be leaving for Singapore for a few days, to visit Teng Ta's family and to pay my respects. Teng Ta had driven up all the way to KL to visit me, when my mother passed away in late 2004. I never expected to be returning the visit, so soon.

The seeds of your hope we will carry with us, Uncle Tan. We will not forget your "amanah". May your soul rest in peace, with the blessings that you truly deserve. God bless you, Sir.