A Restless Lull in Ramadhan

I'm feeling restless - perhaps, it's due to the routine serenity of Ramadhan.

Talking less, makes you think and reflect more, I find. Sometimes, about the things that you should be thinking about. Sometimes, about the things you'd rather not confront.

Sometimes, for no particular reason - when some things are finally looking up in life and there should be no reason for one to feel so emotionally "encumbered". Where there's no particular reason to feel unhappy, yet the drudgery hangs on you, like an invisible millstone around your neck.

Maybe because aside from the religious significance of Ramadhan, it's not been a particularly happy month for me, since Mum passed on, 2 years ago. Neither has Hari Raya Aidilfitri or the dawn of Syawal, for that matter.

Perhaps, the significance of some annual religious ritual events and festivities, like fasting in Ramadhan and Aidilfitri Mubarak, is accentuated and underpinned by the presence of family members - particularly, of parents or children.

And the rootedness of having a family home to celebrate it in - the one "home" to everyone, which brings all the siblings and the next few generations, together. Aside from the religious significance of Ramadhan and Syawal - I've lost much of the meaning that I've usually attached to this month.

Breaking fast in the company of good friends and strangers, in a restaurant in a shopping mall or bersahur in a roadside stall at midnight, is just not the same - though somewhat consoling.

I miss Mum's great cooking, the tasty treats over buka puasa, the buzz of nephews and nieces over the dinner table, her persistence in waking me up for sahur and the half-awake family conversations at 4.30 a.m. over sahur. There was something about the whole experience that made me feel - secure; laced with a strong sense of belonging.

You will never realize how much your parents mean to you, until you lose them. That's the truth.

Regardless of whether you're close to your parents or not - they are the source of the ultimate, unconditional sense of belonging and their influence is so pervasive in so many aspects of your life and in the values you hold dear. Perhaps, until one has one's own children, of course.

For those whose memories of Ramadhan and Aidilfitri have always revolved around family members - the absence of family accentuates the loneliness that one feels.

It takes away the essence of much of what is special, about performing these rituals, rites and traditions. Up until Mum passed away, I've never realized that I was one of those people.

For many years since I was very young, I've always felt that I've grown to be wholly independent of my family, at least, from an emotional perspective.

Whatever affection I felt I could not receive at home - there were always others "compensating" for it - I lived off the affection of my friends, my girlfriend, their parents and their families or sometimes, just the people at the bowling alley.

I spent so much time at other people's houses (and the bowling alley in PJ) when I was growing up - I might as well, have lived there.


It was easy to do that as a kid.

I was lucky - other people's parents and families always seemed to have a surplus of affection for me, to make up for the deficit I felt, at home. Whatever works, really.

But as a thirty-something adult, you realize that sometimes, there's just no continuous track of "affection compensating". Somewhere along the track - you'll come to a dead-end. You're exhausted and you run out of "supply" - or maybe what used to be enough, is now insufficient.

And you realize that you're not made to be alone, that you can't keep depending on goodwill of others (and their families) and you must build up something of your own. People who are unconditionally yours - a family of your own. Loved ones who add depth and essence of meaning to every ordinary and special moment in your life.

The reality is, as human beings, we're never free from the basic needs of love and affection. No man (be it in heaven or on earth) is an island - we are never wholly independent of the need for a sense of belonging and emotional support.

Often times, many of us compensate for these deficiencies with an overflow of sensory experience, exotic holidays, intoxication, ostentation, glamour, materialism, success, working hours, ambition, recognition or many other forms of "dependencies" or addiction.

But honestly, we never escape the basic things that we need. And sooner or later - nothing compensates anymore, except for the real thing. It's a basic ingredient in life, for which there is simply no substitute for, without incurring long-term side effects. Whether we'd like to admit it or not.

There comes a point when you just don't want to "tolerate" a life without these basic needs - and you just want to live it, just like some other fortunate people do.

At the end of the day, we all want the same thing - we just go about in getting it, in different ways. And we should make no apologies for it - to each, his own divinely ordained rezeki, effort and happiness.

Selamat Berbuka Puasa, folks! And for those of you who will be breaking fast with parents and family members - cherish what you have. These simple moments in your life, are special and irreplaceable.

Believe me.

Kak Vanya and The Difficult Years

An early sahur at The Melting Pot with one of my late Mum's favourite nieces, Kak Vanya (not her real name) made me a tad reflective.

Kak Vanya, like me, is a divorcee. But she was lucky to be blessed with a lovely 6-year old daughter, who thankfully, took after her exotic looks. At least that's what Mum cheekily used to say.

Kak Vanya still looked great with her exotic Middle Eastern looks - she's 2 years older than me, but she could have any man she wanted, if she put her mind to it. Though I had a feeling that for now, little Nadia was enough, to fill up her world.

She was very close to my late Mum and always used to confide in her. And to a certain extent, I was always envious of the attention and affection that Mum lavished on her. Envious? Jealous, really.

But to Mum, I think she and her two sisters, (whom she affectionately refers to, as the girls) are the daughters she never had a chance to have. My own sister, Kak, is nothing like Mum. Perhaps, that was one of Mum's undying wishes - to have someone in her own mould. I knew my ex-wife was - and Mum loved her to no end.


*********************************************

The conversation typically revolved around work, relationships and family. Unexpectedly, she had more emotional burden on her shoulders than I expected. But I kept silent most of the time, nodding intermittently and just playing plain good listener.

It occured to me during the conversation, how things have changed for both of us, over the years.

Less than 7 years ago - life was young, on track and full of promise and hope. About 7 years later, life has jaded us both, somewhat - in similar ways.

We learned about the treachery of family members and the distancing of family ties. We learned about trust being abused, at home and at the workplace and the difficulty of finding business partners with strong integrity. We learned that the best of friends, are worth more than the worst of siblings.

We learned of the joy of courtship and marriage and the pain of divorce. We learned to cope with the grief of a string of relationships gone bad and sometimes, to accept things which were clearly unfair to us. We learned the pain of losing loved ones, to ravaging, terminal diseases.

We learned to be more cautious, moderately optimistic and less naive. And sometimes, we're still learning what fits and what doesn't fit and that the heart should not always rule.

And we continue to be humbled by past misjudgements, misplaced loyalties and the labour of love invested in the wrong people. And we learned the heavy price of taking a stand on, on issues of principle.

And most of all, we learnt that society does not always accept what is different - and that's that, really.

The years had been hard on both of us. And it's funny - because for a long time, we were somewhat happy children and young adults, who hardly made any big mistakes in life. Whatever happened to those simpler days?

If we'd care to admit it, the last few years had made both of us AGE. We grew up, in the years before that, but we grew old, in the last few ones.

And we began to wonder what happened to the blissful ignorance of the world, we used to experience.

We're no more naive children - we've found out how hard the world can be. And precisely, for that reason, we've grown to cherish more, the good honest people and the loyal longstanding relationships, in our lives.

Some things come and go, but some things remain, through stormy and shiny days. These are the things that remain your guiding light, in the dark, difficult years.

No doubt that we've both aged from the experience - but I still think that we're both blessed with a lot in life, if we bother to take the time to reflect and to be thankful.

As Kak Vanya continued confiding in me and pouring her heart out, without filtering - I realized how much she misses Mum. And suddenly, I realized that just like Mum once was - I am now Kak Vanya's new confidant. Imagine that!

Life works in strange and mysterious ways, doesn't it?

To Chris and Cheryl,....

First, I'd like to extend my congrats and warmest wishes to the newly-wedded couple, Chris Chan and Cheryl Pola Singh, who tied the knot on Saturday. :)

Some couples are just lovely together and have this sincere, blessed aura around them. And I'm glad that years and years of friendship, had brought them to this significant point in their lives. Many echoed that familiar word to both of them - "Finally!" :)

The wedding at Sheraton Subang was a blast. The classic jazz background music was a delight to the ears and the candid wedding photos and carefully-edited videos, were simply superb! (Note to self: Consult Chris on wedding planner, if I ever get married again,...). Not to mention that the people at my table, were a really fun bunch!

Chris and Cheryl, your close friends share the joy of celebrating your bond to each other. And we're inspired by your example of a life with much love shared, much goodwill and sincerity expressed and with strong divinely-guided moral foundations. God knows, most of us can do better on all counts.

And Chris, you are my ultimate proof that occasionally, the nice guys do win. And on that score, no one is more deserving than you, my friend. :)

Fear and The Glass Cage

All other things being equal, there is usually one main factor which keeps the extraordinary life, beyond the reach of the ordinary.

And the factor is fear.

I'm not talking about swallowing insects, diving into pools with electric eels or getting into a coffin full of worms, sort of courage, like the ones shown on reality TV.

I'm talking about overcoming one's fear of life and living - of failing (or sometimes even succeeding), of getting hurt or disappointed, of change or of a state of semi-permanent inertia, of love or being loved or of a recurrence of a past trauma.

The truth is, some of us live in glass cages throughout our lifetimes, because we're afraid.

So, we fortify the bars of our glass cages, comforting ourselves that we're actually keeping all the things that could hurt us, outside. They're cocooned in a sense of complacency and consoling half-hearted attempts at life that never really intend to succeed - but more focused on not feeling like a failure.

They become happy with the control they exert, within the limited confines of their glass cages. They hide behind a cool facade, happy to show the world that they are professional, unfazed and unaffacted by anything.

Maybe it's true what they say - sometimes, the biggest lies in life are the ones we tell ourselves and the ones that we persuade ourselves to believe.

And perhaps, what's sad is that they don't realize that the glass cage has not only kept all possible harm out - but it has also kept a few other important things out.

Like the richness of experiences, the possibilities of joy and happiness and the potential of exceeding one's own expectations.

Have no doubts whatsoever - that if you let it to be, fear can be a life partner that shackles, paralyzes and abuses you and dooms you to narrow mediocrity in life - with your own wilful consent.

God helps those who help themselves, they say. But how will God help those whom are too afraid to live or to even try?

When faced with a glass cage - there are only 2 simple options. Do your best and break the glass bars or do nothing (or do something half-heartedly) and let the glass cage break you, as a person.

Sometimes, the choices are that stark.

In Morrie's Classroom

Recently, I read "Tuesdays with Morrie" for the 3rd time.

There's something about the way this book is written, that touches me deeply - a raw, honest and uncomplicated look at life, from the perspective of a dying man, withering away from ALS or better known as Lou Gehrig's disease.

Though it's Thursday and not Tuesday, I thought I'd share some of Morrie's gems today with all of you. The take-home for each of us will be different - to each, his own.

***********************************

"Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live".

***********************************

"Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. We're teaching the wrong things.

And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own. Most people can't do it. They're more unhappy than me - even in my current condition.

I may be dying, but I'm surrounded by loving and caring souls. How many people can say that?"

***********************************

"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things that are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things.

The way you get meaning in your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning".

************************************

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come in.

Let it come. We don't think we deserve love,we think if we let it in, we'll become too soft. But a wise man named Levine said it right. He said, "Love is the only rational act""

************************************

"Sometimes, you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel.

And if you're ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you're in the dark.

Even when you're falling".

***********************************

"The fact is, there is no foundation, no secure ground, upon which people may stand today if it isn't the family. It's been quite clear to me as I've been sick.

If you don't have the support and love and caring and concern that you get from a family, you don't have much at all. Love is so supremely important. As our great poet Auden said, "Love each other or perish""

***********************************

"There is no experience like having children. That's all.

There is no substitute for it. You cannot do it with a friend. You cannot do it with a lover. If you want the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way - then you should have children"

***********************************

"I embrace aging.

It's very simple. As you grow, you learn more. If you stayed at twenty-two, you'd always be as ignorant as you were at twenty-two.

Aging is not just decay, you know. It's growth. It's more than the negative that you're going to die, it's also the positive that you understand that you're going to die, and that you live a better life because of it."

*************************************

And on people who wished they were young again, Morrie said:

"You know what that reflects? Unfulfilled lives. Lives that haven't found meaning. Because if you've found your meaning in life, you don't want to go back. You want to go forward. You want to see more, do more. You can't wait until you're sixty-five.

Listen. You should know something. If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it will happen, anyhow.

The fact is, you're going to die eventually. It won't matter what you tell yourself".

**************************************

"We've got a form of brainwashing going on in our country. Do you know how they brainwash people?

They repeat something over and over. And that's we do in this country. Owning things is good. More money is good. More property is good. More commercialism is good.

More is good. More is good. We repeat it - and have it repeated to us - over and over until nobody bothers to even think otherwise. The average person is so fogged up by all of this, he has no perspective on what's really important anymore.

Wherever I went in my life, I met people wanting to gobble up something new. Gobble up a new car. Gobble up a new piece of property. Gobble up the latest toy. And then they wanted to tell you about it. 'Guess what I got? Guess what I got?'.

You know how I interpreted that. These people were so hungry for love that they were accepting substitutes. They were embracing material things and they were sort of expecting a hug back.

But it never works. You can't substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship. Money is not a substitute for tenderness, and power is not a substitute for tenderness.

I can tell you as I'm sitting here dying, when you most need it, neither money nor power will give you the feeling you're looking for, no matter how much of them you have."

***************************************

"If you're trying to show off to the people at the top, forget it. They will look down at you, anyhow.

And if you're trying to show off to the people at the bottom, forget it. They will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere.

Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone."

***************************************

"I've learned this about marriage.

You get tested. You find out who you are, who the other person is, and how you accommodate or don't.

Still, there are a few rules I know to be true about love and marriage.

If you don't respect the other person, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don't know how to compromise, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can't talk openly about what goes on between you, you're gonna have a lot of trouble.

And if you don't have a common set of values in life, you're gonna have a lot of trouble. You're values must be alike.

And the biggest one of those values - is your belief in the importance of your marriage."

***********************************

"Every society has its own problems. The way to do it, I think, isn't to run away. You have to work at creating your own culture.

Look, no matter where you live, the biggest defect we human beings have is our short-sightedness. We don't see what we could be.

We should be looking at our potential, stretching ourselves into everything we can become.

But if you're surrounded by people who say 'I want mine now', you end with a few people with everything and a military to keep the poor ones from rising up and stealing it."

**********************************

"The problem is, we don't believe that people are as much alike, as we are.

Whites and blacks, Catholics and Protestants, men and women. If we saw each other as more alike, we might be very eager to join in one big human family in this world, and to care about the family the way we care about our own.

But believe me, when you're dying, you see it is true. We all have the same beginning - birth - and we all have the same end - death. So, how different can we be?

Invest in the human family. Invest in people. Build a little community of those you love and who love you."

*************************************

"There is no formula to relationships.

They have to be negotiated in loving ways, with room for both parties, what they want and what they need, what they can do and what their life is like.

In business, people negotiate to win. They negotiate to get what they want. Maybe you're too used to that.

Love is different. Love is when you are as concerned about someone else's situation, as you are about your own."

*************************************

"As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away.

All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on - in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured, while you were here.

Death ends a life, not a relationship."

*************************************

Have a good Thursday, folks.

And for my Muslim readers - Selamat Menyambut Awal Ramadhan, this weekend. :) May it be a month of silent blessings for all.

Know What You're Worth

A discussion with a close friend in a car today, reminded me of one of the stories in the film - "Joy Luck Club", which was adapted to a movie and written by Amy Tan, relating the stories of the women in 4 migrant Chinese families, spanning over 3 generations.

One of the stories in "Joy Luck Club" revolved around a Chinese girl who married into a prominent American family and was trying to adapt to becoming the all-American socialite wife of the husband she adores. In effect, she was trying to be someone else, that she's not.

But somewhere along the way, in her self-imposed submissive transformation to please her husband - she loses herself, her convictions and stand on issues and with it, her own wishes and desires. And with it, unfortunately, her husband's attraction to her.

And her mother, seeing her regressive transformation, reminded her that she must know what she's worth.

She eventually did find the value of her self-worth - and it saved her marriage.

*****************************************

On a somewhat related note, the close friend (let's call him, Mr Hammer - it's a long story, related to a poor analogy he once told) related to me something about myself, which I've heard before in one manifestation or another, but never quite intently listened to.


Mr. Hammer somewhat said to me: "Only give love and respect to others when people have earned it, from you. In most cases, it should not be unconditional, nor unlimited - give it to them, in the dosages that they deserve, at the stages when they deserve it - not a moment before that. Make them earn the love and respect you give them - only then, will they appreciate it".

They say good advice is only good advice, when it sounds good to you. And due to certain events - Mr Hammer's advice resonated in my mind, today. Like church bells, on a Sunday morning.

With lovers, family and friends - I've always been too generous with my love and my willingness to adapt, change or bend over backwards for them. They've never had to fight for my love, respect or attention - it will be given, as a matter of course - without mutual or reciprocal obligations.

It's a habit I acquired from childhood - most times, the elders and adults I had to deal with, we're not acting like the elders and adults they should be - and I always felt that if I couldn't change the circumstances, the least I could do, is to "compensate" and go beyond the role that is expected of me.

How else would I make things better?

Too much faith in people, too many misplaced loyalties, too many compromises and sacrifices made, too little self-respect and sense of self-preservation - too many times, it's led me up the garden path or to really difficult and painful places in my life.

Most times, I forget that I'm just as important, as the interest of any person that I would put ahead of my own.

Because as both Mr. Hammer and the "Joy Luck Club" correctly pointed out - if you don't know what you're worth, then no one else will.

Perhaps, it's a tad late in the day, to learn this lesson - but better late than never, right?

Aman

Aman
Hatiku mencari damai
Di bawah payung hidayahNya
Ditunjangi perjuangan bermakna
Dirahmati lazat usaha, murah rezeki
Dilingkungi akrabnya persahabatan setia
Dilimpahi arus selautan ilmu
Disalut hidup beramal sumbangan
'tuk pelita liang lahad


Aman
Hatiku mencari tenang
Belaian manja kasih teman sejiwa
mendakap segala buruk baik seadanya,
Perit manis keajaiban zuriat
hilai tawa anak-anak,
mengenali sayang tanpa
batas penting duniawi


Aman
Hatiku masih mencarimu
Gusar hayatku kan tamat,
sebelum hajat
dipenuhi


Hasil Nukilan:
Stingrayz
10 September 2006

Gold Rain & Hailstones - Still Great The 2nd Time Round!

I watched "Gold Rain & Hailstones" last night with the exquisite Lady Jazz, at the KL Performing Arts Center (KLPAC). It was still amazing - and that goes for both the show and the company.

It was the 2nd time for me - I first watched "Gold Rain & Hailstones" in 1998 and I remember being being awestruck at Jit Murad's writing and acting talent, in this particular play.

And back than was also the first time that I caught Lin Jaafar - whom I regard as one of the strongest and most versatile and underrated female English theatre actresses, that I've ever come across. And it was good seeing her act again - in my eyes, she's still brilliant!

The content for the 2006 version of "Gold Rain & Hailstones" had been somewhat updated to take in some of the current context - but the main gist of the play which revolves around identity, confusion, the search for a sense of belonging and one's commitment to one's homeland, still remains.

The fact that this play still remains relevant and timeless to perhaps, a new generation of theatre-goers either speaks volumes of the depth of the Malaysian psyche that it unearths,....or it shows how little Malaysia has progressed in tolerating people who are not quite mainstream and who cannot quite fit in within the tiny little identity boxes, which society's expectations sometimes imposes on us.

I'm not going to get into a review of "Gold Rain & Hailstones" - I feel that every Malaysian should watch it and extract the gems of the experience, for oneself. I think you already know what I think of it, anyway. If you're keen to watch it - it's playing for another week at KLPAC, until the 17th of September.


But I'd like to share with you 2 things which stuck with me from "Gold Rain & Hailstones" this time round.

The first is the comment made by Lin Jaafar's character, Aminah, who mentioned that her father had said: "The more we define ourselves, the less space we have to live in". Somehow, I understand that comment more today, than I did in 1998.

The second is Jit Murad's notes for "Gold Rain & Hailstones" in the Dramalab booklet, which strangely enough, struck a chord in me. In the playwright's notes, Jit pointed out that:

"We still exist in a system of patronage, we still endure an absurd bureaucracy. Our most fundamental discussions are still being silenced, we still defer to grassroots zealotry.

'Ah, plus ca change,...' as French transsexuals often say (with a shrug). 13 years later, many of my decaying peers have given up wanting to make a space for ourselves and for values and belief systems that are not "official" or to placate a disapproving constituency.

I guess belonging and identity are the concerns of the young. Let them worry about it"


Well said, Jit.

Perhaps, there comes a time in our lifetime when we all grow weary and we realistically accept the things that we cannot change, within our lifetimes.

And as we get older, we stop expanding the space for alternative viewpoints and values and instead, we turn inwards to live in the small space that we already have - or the corner that society permits us to have, to be different and to buck society's trend.

Quietly, of course. But somewhat still hopeful, for change.

Ups and Downs

It's been an emotional roller-coaster over the last 2 days.

The first news is the best piece of news this year and was nothing short of a miracle - it would rid me of a huge non-performing loan belonging to my brother, that was parked under my name. It was a mistake I made 6 years ago and one that has been a constant burden on me, financially and emotionally.

Sometimes, you make really big stupid mistakes in your life when you're young. When you don't even blink in putting your trust in a family member.

Twice in my life, I've gone down this path. Both times, incurred a great cost on my life and my relationships.

Let me repeat the old adage, which is all too true: Neither borrower, nor lender (nor guarantor) be.

I've been lucky - by a stroke of sheer luck and blessing, I've been averted from having to carry a loan for a sibling, possibly for the next 20 years. Many out there are not so lucky and would have to live with some of their mistakes for a good part of their lifetime.

And honestly, before yesterday's news, I had resigned myself to this fate - being punished and paying for the mistake of trust and naivety.

But maybe God has other better plans for me. Maybe the lesson has been learnt and perhaps God wants this grief and bitterness to end. Maybe God wants family ties to mend over time, as life is short. Maybe God wants me to buy a car. I don't know.

But I'm truly, truly thankful for this narrow escape. Tomorrow's looking better already.

Alhamdulillah. :)

***********************************************

The 2nd piece of news was related to the biz.

Both deals that I had looked forward to and hoped for, fell through. I'm disappointed - but I'm quite sure I'll bounce back to fight another day. Probably tomorrow.

It's a temporary setback - and I'm not done trying yet.

It ain't over till the fat lady sings. And I don't know any fat ladies. ;)

***********************************************

Overall, on a balance of things, life still feels more up than down.

And whatever happens, I'm still making the Big Trip. There are journeys that you simply have to make, no matter where you are in your life.

If you have a map, a compass and you know where north is, you're not lost - you're just deciding where to go - and when.