First Preference, First Priority

It has probably been too long, since I last felt like the first preference and first priority to a girl that I really liked.

Or maybe it just feels that way - partly because of circumstances, partly because of how I feel I'm treated and partly, because of how I feel about the other party.

I don't know where this particular relationship is going yet - and perhaps, I don't care to know for now - but I know that I like the way I'm treated.

And I know I like the way that for once, I don't have to fight off a first preference/priority 3rd party, an emotional hang-up, a quiet desperation to move on with my life or a huge ego that knows not how to give or with some others, forgive.

She's sweet and very attractive in an uncommon way - and I could SO see myself going out with someone like this.

And at least, for now - she makes me feel like I'm worth it. With full honesty and effort. No sharing, no confusion, no being taken for granted, no insecurity, no games and no feeling obligated to marry someone else - this time, it's just me that's priority in the other person's eyes.

And God knows that I need to feel this way - being a professional 2nd choice to the people you love, can do funny things to your self-esteem and confidence and adversely affect, how you look at yourself.


She's so different from me, in so many ways - but yet so uncomplicated and uncomplicating. Which is normal to most people, I guess - but can be considered an aberration for me, considering the complexity of the people I've fallen for in the last 2 years.

But I do like where I am right now.

Perhaps, the destination is less clear (and maybe for once, it should be that way) but it's obvious that the journey, no matter how gradual, is at least, heading somewhere and going forward.

And I'm enjoying the moment of being first preference, first priority - in her eyes. I like the way she makes me feel wanted.

Reciprocity in a relationship, is something that should be natural and instinctive, without having to ask or having to work so hard, at it.

(Perhaps, it's a sign of the times we live in, how most people are so much more thoughtful in words, than deeds, nowadays. Push comes to shove - they're unable to deliver in the moments that count)

I used to remember what this was like - and if I don't, it's about time for a refresher course. I don't always have to make complexity a partner, in my life's journey.

Sometimes, there has to be a balance between what you want - and what you know you deserve. Go with the heart, by all means, if you have to - but over time, learn to make better choices in your life.

All mistakes have a familiar pattern - and if your head does not point it out to you, at first - your heart eventually will. And you will learn to recognize mistakes - faster than you did, previously. Thank God, for the limits on patience - people would be fools without it.

If all we can really be certain and assured of, are moments in our lives - then we really ought to learn to live better, in each of these moments - because life shouldn't have to be so difficult, really.

Keep it simple, stupid - that sentence resonates in me, like never before.

Maybe you can teach an old dog, a new trick, huh?

Where Have Our Dreams Gone?

3 years ago, the Prince and I were a core part of a team that created a small ripple of a revolution in technology funding.

It was exciting - we were given free hand to shape the national program, to recruit the best and most passionate of people and to go at the speed which would make the private sector proud.

We were the first technology fund in the country to build on the idea of industry linkages and to begin to walk the talk on building an innovation ecosystem, brick by brick.

We publicized the fund on radio (it was a cool ad!) and through other forms of media and for a moment, it captured the imagination of the industry. The team was great - passionate, dedicated and cohesive - well, at least most of them were.

Budding technology entrepreneurs were excited and encouraged by our speed, processes and unconventional methods in creating value for the entrepreneurs. The buzz and enthusiasm of entrepreneurs were inspiring.

It was meant to be much more than it is, right now - much, much more.


But as fate would have it, we never had the opportunity to take the program, to its original intent.

The vultures swooped in and took control of it and tried to destroy it, by changing the nature of the program. I departed in protest.

And it took over a year of active lobbying and campaigning from the outside to extract the "poison" out from the system - only to have another one in his wake, replacing him. The Company seems to have a tendency of breeding monsters from within - and like the stench of toxic waste site, it never seems to go away.

But I kept the faith - even as the people in the program were bullied and mistreated from the inside and the program dwindled to a mere shadow of what it used to be.

It's heartbreaking to see something that you helped create, diminish - but I consoled myself by thinking that for as long as we don't give up on the program and keep our faith - one day it will bounce back, to its former glory.

I've waited patiently for 2 years - and aside from the fact that the program is not dead - nothing else has happened. It seems to be dead, but no one has noticed.


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The Prince and I have disagreed, many, many times before. This is because in The NGO - I'm perhaps one of the few people who do not hesitate in disagreeing with him when I think he's wrong. Even if he is the President.

And perhaps - that's the reason he still values my opinion on things.

But our most recent disagreement left me, a little crestfallen.

From the tone of his voice and from the way he said things - it was clear to me and the others, that he wanted me to give up on my hope and crusade of saving the program.

We couldn't even agree on the cause of the downfall of the program - he seems to think that it arises from a lack of leadership at the top of the team - while I felt that problem was bigger than that - the program was suffering from a reluctant "parent" that was intent on committing infanticide.


Maybe after 2 years - he's just tired of my urging and ranting that as the NGO that created the fund - we have to observe the trust (amanah) given to us, to fulfill the fund's original objectives. Maybe he's thrown in the towel.

But in not so many words - that's what he implied to me. Give up on the program and let go.

It came as a shock to me - I never expected a co-founder that gave birth to the program to give up on it - especially not, The Prince. Many times in the past, he was the one that taught me never to give up.


I remember one SMS that he sent me before my voluntary retirement from the NGO, that I still keep till today - where he said:

"Well, as leaders, we don't have the luxury to give up,...whether we're busy or frustrated. We are all humans and we've all got our own frustrations.

But we are not showing a good example if we give up.

A lot of people are relying on us, brother. We are not talking about you and me, but a lot of others who have a dream and who see us as hope for a new change".


Where is the great man that sent me this SMS?

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Even though I felt guilty about retiring from the NGO, but I was "burnt out" - 4 whole years of national service had taken its toll on me and I had seen a lot more of the Malaysian system of Government, than I would care to discover.

I used to believe that the Government was ill-informed and that with better data from the people on the ground - policymaking and implementation would be much improved.

I found out that they're not uninformed about the situation - but just simply unmoved by facts and situations - and this is true of the highest levels (up from the PM's Office and the upper echelons of Bank Negara) to the lowest levels. Inertia seems to be the key word here - almost everyone is afraid of sticking their necks out, on important issues.

What is the point of whistle-blowing on corruption and abuse of power in Government and GLCs - if the powers-that-be simply turn a deaf ear?

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But back to The Prince. Yes - I think he implied that I should give up on the program that we built up together. As if all hope is lost.

Perhaps, he thinks that reviving it to its former state, has become an impossibility. Maybe he's tired of battling bureaucrats and would like to deal with things that are not so difficult "to move".

And who can blame him? - Malaysia's a political and bureaucratic nightmare - things usually cannot be fixed or corrected. It seems that the only way to avert disasters, is to not make a mistake and let things go to ruin, in the first place.

I don't know, it's unfair for me to speculate on what The Prince felt - but I felt that the signal was clear. And I think so did the others at that meeting too. I saw their hesitance in arguing with The Prince on this issue, even when I could see it in their eyes, that they agreed with me.

I think I'm now alone on this issue. It only took 2 years - and it seems that everyone else has stopped believing in the program. Everyone except this solitary dog, that's barking away alone.

Maybe the word impossible has crept into their dictionary. Words which did not exist in 2003, when we raised RM100 million together, from the Government - when no one thought we would have succceeded in doing so.

But hell, we showed them - and more. Life seems to be much simpler when the odds are impossibly stacked against you - how ironic.

Up to this day, in its 6 years of existence, the program is still the NGO's most significant achievement and tangible contribution to our industry - but many seem to have forgotten this.


Imitation is the best form of flattery, they say - and after our program, 2 other government funding programs has been modelled along the same lines, as the program. People liked what we did - they believed in it.

And I hope for the industry's sake, I hope that the imitations will be better than what the original has become - and maybe, even better than what the original was intended to be. One can dream, right?

But today, I'm afraid that I may be the sole custodian left, of our collective dreams of yesterday.

It's true what Dr Martin Luther King said: "At the end of the day, it is not the roar of our enemies that we fear, it is the silence of our friends".

And if I might add to Dr King's wise words - "and the courage lost, from the abandonment of our collective dreams"

Think The Opposite

These excerpts are taken from a book by the enigmatic Paul Arden - interesting and inspiring points of view.

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In 1975, the Czech artist and animator Jan Svankmajer had his work suppressed by the communists.

Had he the wrong point of view?

Or was it the right point of view seen by the wrong people?

Today, he is a national treasure.

Is he now right and they were wrong? Or is he still wrong and they were right?

It is exactly the same work, but seen from different point of view.

The prevailing one being what the majority think.

People are like sheep: they follow the leader. It is the leader who has a point of view about which way they should go.

Having an original point of view is a novelty.

Recognizing its value is intelligent.

Having the courage to stand up for it in the face of public opinion, is what makes you a winner.


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Everyone wants an exciting life, but most people are afraid to take the bull by the horns.

So they take an easy option for an exciting life.

They live their excitement through other people.

By aligning themselves with famous rebels, a little bit of glamour rubs off on them. They imagine they're like John Lennon, Ernest Hemingway, George Best, Liam Gallagher, Lenny Bruce, Janis Joplin, Damien Hirst, Andy Warhol, etc.

The difference being, these people when faced with a decision took the outrageous one, not knowing where it might lead them, but knowing that the safe decision had danger written all over it.


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The corporate non-risk taker rises fast on the freshness of youth; an open mind, a pleasant demeanour and good looks will accelerate his rise.

His superiors are pleased to promote him since it reflects well on them.

The candidate reaches a platform of responsibility, not something to be treated lightly.

After all he is now a manager, albeit a junior one.

His salary rises in accordance with status, not ability, and he reaches board level.

It is now time to appoint a joint or deputy managing director. Our man is considered to be a good company man, but he is a bit dull. He doesn't produce innovation: he doesn't do anything for the image of the company.

There's a very good young man in his department earning a third of his salary, who younger members of staff respond to.

Our man at forty is moved sideways, and at forty-seven, he is out.

He didn't reach the top of the ladder, he has fallen and there is no climbing back.

He's finished, yet he has done nothing wrong.

That is the problem.

He has done nothing wrong.


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"It's the goal of every Englishman to get to his grave unembarrassed" - John Cleese, actor

Off The EDGE - Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim's Interview

If there were more able people like Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim in the Opposition, the current Government would have very good reason to worry.

Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim is currently, the Treasurer for the Anwar Ibrahim-led Parti Keadilan Rakyat.

His recent interview in the December edition of the magazine "Off The EDGE" explored his thoughts on many issues economic and political, with some very strong views on UMNO and the perversion of the NEP, by its implementors.


For those not in the know, Tan Sri Khalid Ibrahim was one of the most illustrious and prominent Malaysian corporate figures in the Malaysia. He led the infamous "dawn raid" the London Stock Exchange on Guthrie in 1981 winning 51% of the company for Permodalan Nasional Berhad (PNB) in less than 2 hours after the bourse had opened for business.

He once served in PNB under the disciplined and stoic Tun Ismail Ali - arguably, one of the few prominent Malays with fearless integrity, that the country has ever seen.

He was at one time the CEO of PNB and Guthrie and is also a minority shareholder in Guthrie. He was responsible for administering arguably, some of the the most successful corporate equity distribution and investment programs for Bumiputra individuals, namely Amanah Saham Nasional (ASN) and Amanah Saham Bumiputra (ASB).

As part of PNB, he was a key part in the implementation of the objectives of the NEP, under the Barisan Government - for at least, 20+ years.

Therefore, it came as a great surprise to many when Tan Sri Khalid joined Keadilan and spoke frankly against what he perceived as the distortion of the objectives of the NEP, by the leading party in the Barisan coalition, UMNO. He has even called for a scrapping of the NEP and to be replaced by an entirely new socio-economic restructuring program (perhaps, Keadilan's not-very-widely publicized and proposed New Economic Agenda)

But because historically, he is who he is (and even if you don't think our Opposition is a viable one, like I do) - his views deserve the attention of all Malaysians who are concerned about where this country is heading.

I would recommend that everyone get a copy of "Off The EDGE" from your local big bookstore but for the benefit of all Mimpi Pari readers - I shall reproduce some extracts of his interview with "Off The EDGE" below.


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On the NEP:

"What I don't accept is the way NEP was vulgarised in terms of implementation. At the end of the day, I was a player for 30 years and having looked at the end-result of it, the NEP pleases some,. but so many feel so strongly against it.

Let me explain. There are Malays that have benefited from the NEP, but there are a lot of Malays that have been sacrificed by it.

What has happened is, not only have the [bumiputra] figures for [equity participation] declined, the size of disparity between Malays is also high. This means that the idea of positive discrimination to redress imbalances is out, as you have to create other excuses for its continuance".


And in another part, he continues:

"What I am saying is that the NEP has not achieved what it has set out to do, and has instead segmented society. The problem with the NEP in regards to UMNO, is that it is utilized for the existence of the political party.

That is the worst - the wealth of the nation and its future is controlled is by 3,000-4,000 people who decide to select or not select their people, and this is funded through the advantages connected with the NEP. That is what this squabble is all about".


And in another part he continues:

"For example, 7-8 years ago, the Government operating budget was only RM50 billion. A few months ago, when PM Abdullah came out with the budget of 2007, this has been increased to RM112 billion. Every year it grows by 15% and if its utilization is not being checked, you will get wastage, which is then translated into the NEP.

It doesn't even help the NEP - the nation just gets more and more in debt."



And Tan Sri Khalid goes even further:

"We cannot go on lke this. All the economic arguments and financial arguments have never been discussed in the political arena.

I can show you why I don't want the NEP - because the leakages and the abuse of it is so huge that future generations will not benefit. If we could use it properly, then of course, we'd be better off.

The NEP was not intended for individuals or [political] parties; it was basically to say the Malays - the majority of Malays - were not in the mainstream of the economy of the nation, and therefore, we need to do something to rectify this.

It talks about masses and not UMNO Bahagian - it was never the intention to be that".



And on Tun Mahathir and the current spat with the current Prime Minister:

"But unfortunately, Tun Mahathir, despite being a very intelligent man, totally didn't understand the Malay culture. That's why he failed.

And while he wrote books about the Malay dilemma and might be writing another book on a double Malay dilemma or something like that, he didn't understand,.....The Malays, culturally, less than 20% are called the principled ones.

The Malay is basically a "post-supporter". And what is meant by "post-supporter"?

Malays only support the winner - if you are the winner, you will get the support".



And he continues:

"It's very traditional since the Malay hardly ever rebels. If the Sultan is killed by his brother and the brother becomes the sultan, the scene of the killing is not relevant - they will support the new Sultan".



And he makes an interesting point here, to ponder:

"That's ahy we have a lot of work to do for change. Malays might not be your supporters, but they can vote for you. In 1999, they might not have been members of Keadilan, but they were willing to give you their vote.

The vote is not relevant to the Malays. But support? [You get it] when you win.

It's a totally different approach and Mahathir didn't understand that, and still doesn't,...."


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Parti Keadilan Rakyat or Keadilan will never become the Government (or even a State Government anywhere), at least not in the next 30-50 years, I think.

On an ideology level - what they're trying to convey is far more complicated than PAS's "Islamic state" ideology and perhaps, far less acceptable to many Malays currently, too.

At best, Keadilan will play a more prominent role in moving Malaysian politics from a blinkered race-based perspective to a more class and issues-based perspective - which would not be a bad thing.

If it could educate Malaysians to be more circumspect and proactive in holding the current Government (and the major political parties like UMNO) accountable for its deeds (and misdeeds) - that would be an achievement in itself for Keadilan.


I don't necessarily agree on Tan Sri Khalid's premise that the Malays are "post-supporters", though - even though it may be a more accurate reflection of UMNO members. And even if one accepts this premise - I'm sure that the Malays are not the only ones guilty of this behaviour.

I would instead premise the voting and political support pattern of Malaysians generally, as a risk-averse "better the devil you know, than the devil you don't". They may silently agree and support the cause of the Opposition - but the majority will never throw their vote in, for the Opposition.

Regardless of the moral rot festering within UMNO and Barisan Nasional parties - the majority of Malaysians are familiar that the economic and political stability formula has somewhat worked, over the last 30+ years or so.

And the longer the formula works - the stronger the inertia against change.

Hence, this leads to astoundingly big majorities in Parliament for the governing Barisan coalition - the likes of which are not seen in other parts of the world and for that long a duration. It's probably a world record of sorts.

Of course, you have your major exceptions to the rule - like in Pas-led Kelantan, which is almost a country on its own. Or when the UMNO people turn on their own chief, as they did in Terengganu in the 1999 elections. Or in some Malay heartlands up north, where the "Islamic state" ideology still has appeal.

The conclusion that Anwar Ibrahim reached when he joined UMNO in the early 1980's was and is still correct - political change in Malaysia can only be effectively engineered from the inside of Barisan Nasional. And at the apex of this give-and-take system, is UMNO.

But it has also been proven by a succession of idealistic youth leaders who have tried, that all who join UMNO to "change it from the inside" - will eventually be tainted or become silent accomplices to the moral rot and corruption that goes within.

Some have become even bigger "monsters" than the people they once aspired to rid of. In UMNO, grassroots realpolitik seems to justify all measures - even ones that are corrupt and corrosive to the people and the nation.

So, given the above - where does that leave Malaysia? What is the prospect for positive change, then?


My take on it is this - economic and political change can only come from within Barisan Nasional - but it can only come with much constant pressure from the leadership of UMNO, combined with support from the outside of UMNO - be it from the Barisan component parties (like Gerakan, MCA, MIC, etc) or the masses themselves.

Component parties must be allowed (even encouraged) to disagree on issues - so that weaknesses and corruption, may be exposed and addressed. Taking a collective stand that hides the extent of the rot, only compromises all Malaysians, in the long run.


For the country to improve - the "dark sides" and negative culture within UMNO must be contained and weakened.

The leadership of UMNO must be willing to take the right steps and not take the easy way out - even if it means losing more seats in Parliament and having a stronger Opposition voice, at both state and federal level.

It is better for Malaysia to have a 70% Barisan majority in Parliament than to have an overwhelming 90% majority and yet, leading a party that has to be bribed at all levels, to retain their support - hence, incurring public expenditure and wastage in the millions (or possibly, billions) on feeding career political "mercenaries" and sycophants.

It is also important that the public's understanding of current political issues be heightened, so that they can look at each issue on its own - without taking a pre-determined stance of "pro-Government" or "anti-Government" in their minds or a blinkered race-based "you-can't-question-this- as-this-invades-my-turf" attitude.

We must move away from a race-based perspective to Malaysian politics to an issues-based ones.

We must vote with our heads and on a strict evaluation of the performance of the Government and our elected representatives - and not based on racial or religious sentiments or even the fear of voting for the the unknown quantity.

Malaysians have to be taught that it is an essential part of good citizenship, that their leaders be questioned and held accountable, on the usage of taxpayer's monies and that we don't shut both eyes when it comes to economic, financial and political abuse, of any kind by the Government.

Every Malaysian born is entitled to their space in this country - but they only deserve it, when they stand up and speak up politely and rationally, in defence of that birthright. No democratically-elected Government in the world, can dictate over a populace that is non-submissive.

You want to see real change? Start with getting the masses (especially the young) to think and act on it - it's much more effective than trying to get politicians and political parties to change, from the inside.

Teach them to understand history, to question prejudice and to assess Malaysia's place and survivability in today's world.

You will see the pay-off within one generation, I promise you.

And on issues of national unity - this is what I always say to people - the Government does not constrain you (or your children) from mixing with the other races. That's a personal choice and not the dictates of any Government. If it's not done - look in the mirror and ask what you've done to improve the situation, on a people-to-people level.

Sometimes, you have to recognize the areas where having the correct attitudes are far more effective, than any national policy that can be legislated. Don't become a feeble people that looks to the Government, for everything.

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But if UMNO and Barisan insists on doing whatever it takes (and channelling all forms of economic patronage) to win all seats in an election - then, there is hardly any hope left for Malaysia.

We will continue to be "led" and simultaneously robbed, by 3,000 - 4,000 people in a political party - who will claim to do it on the basis of protecting the interests of their own kind.

And there will come a point when our luck (and natural resources) will run out and will not be able to economically compensate, for the political excesses of our leaders. And by then, Malaysia will regress - perhaps, permanently.

What then, will we say to our children - when we can only leave them, a country that is in ruin?

I hope we never have to come that point.

Reaching for 2007

December is always a month that gets me restless.

Partly because it's a short month and everyone seems to be on holiday. It's hard for work to progress when everyone's either on holiday or is in the holiday mood.

As I find myself urgently wanting to get more done this month - I'm finding that not many people in other companies are co-operating with me.

Aiyomaaa,...kadavale. It's challenging on the nerves, I tell you.

There's a part of me that wants to shout "we're not on holiday yet!" to some of these people - but I think that would work against me, right now.

Patience is a virtue. There is no truer phrase than that, right now. Oh December! What you do to me!

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Now, I'm going to ramble a little.

For some reason, I'm looking forward to 2007 (and no, it's not just because I'm annoyed with the coming holidays,....)

This is because 2007 will probably mark a year of many new beginnings, for me. And of many significant changes, in the lives of those around me, too.

Change would be good, at about right now. Life's getting a little too stale and I want to stop going around in circles, on certain things. Though I shan't promise myself anything because I don't usually keep new year resolutions.

Maybe it's easier to make a change without making any resolutions. Just do it! - as Nike espouses.

And I've almost come to a decision on certain major items. It's either going to be the Honda Civic 1.8 or the Ford Focus 1.8. Both have got their strengths and appeal, to me. I'll decide when I have to, in January.

And 2007 is probably a time to start looking at the next piece of property to own - perhaps, a landed one, this time. I once thought that this should wait until I get married - but why wait for something that may not happen, right?,....life must go on.


2007 will mark a return to The NGO, as a Council Member again.

It's going to feel strange being on active "national service" duty again - but with The Prince and Dr Saint in the lead and with our mission to revive the organization - this should be an enthralling journey. And we have to succeed - for the industry to return to where it once was.

It helps that some of our friends are now in positions and organizations where they are capable of supporting our efforts. And I hope that courage and determination will be with them.


2007 is the year that I will register as a card-carrying political party member - I think this promises to be one of the more controversial parts next year, considering my choice of political party.


And yes, a serious hobby is definitely on the cards for 2007. Again, I'm not going to make promises on this one - just in case, I don't carry it out. But it falls to one of three choices - vocal classes, writing for theatre or dance classes.

Though based on current interest and the amazing number of hours per week I spend at Star KTV, nowadays - it'll probably be vocal classes. Even without training, I can see some improvement and I just wanna see what I could do, if I was properly trained.

2006 has felt like a long year to me - although it has felt like a breeze to everyone else. But to me - it has been a long and challenging year.

It's better than 2004, but it's still tough. And it's a year where I've learnt so many things about me and about life. But I cannot lie - I'm happy to see this year pass.

I'd like for 2007 to be be shorter and more fulfilling.

More answers and fewer questions. And with a heart that has a bigger capacity to accept things the way they are, or the way they have become. To smile more, to frown less. To be happier, more often than not.

More living than waiting to live. More right calls on people, fewer big mistakes. More in touch with God, more often than not.

I'm looking forward to 2007. :) InsyaAllah, a better year awaits.

The Great Responsibility of Friendship?

When you see a close long-time friend making a string of mistakes that would be detrimental to himself and others around him, what do you do?

The answer used to be more obvious to me, when I was younger. Nowadays, all I am now, is hesitant. Not because I don't care - but more because there is no one shoe size that fits all.

After all, everyone's different - we all have different priorities, different things that we emphasise on and different ideas of what proper order and sequence in life, means.

Different strokes for different folks - a disaster in my eyes, might be a blessing in yours.

People have succeeded in many ways, using many different routes - who are we to tell our friends that something they're doing, will not work? And that it will bring about a worse outcome for him?

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But there are some things where impending disaster is just inevitable, if you keep going on the same track. Where it's just plain common sense.

Like taking drugs. Or drinking yourself silly from morning till night. Or just plain over-spending and under-earning, the famous formula for financial disasters. Or being so focused on a single future objective that you compromise everything and everyone close to you, to achieve it.

All the times when I've been honest and frank with my friends - some appreciate it, some take the advice and some,...just never talk to me about the issue again.

And once I know they've taken a stand on an issue, I withdraw. I want to be able to treat adults like adults - you advice them as peers, not children. Where you remind them about the pitfalls and leave them to think and decide on the natural consequences of their own actions. Where you don't always offer them a safety net and spoil them silly.

Letting adults be adults is the best way for them to learn, I believe. It's good in the sense that they come to their own conclusions - instead of them feeling like you're patronizing them.

But in most cases, the damage done can have a detrimental and prolonged impact on one's life, if not a permanent one. And in some cases, it will scar innocent parties like parents and children for life, too - it shapes their fears and outlook.

What sort of friend would let another friend go through that, you may ask?

My answer to that is simple: A friend who wants to keep the friendship.

A friend that still wants to be there, when the chips are down - whatever wrong turns you've made. A friend that neither wants to judge or say "I told you so". A friend that will be there for you, regardless of the fact that you're making a mess out of yourself and others - because you can't seem to see the wood for the trees.

A friend who will accept you, for who you are - because he has enough respect for you, to decide on your own course and let you live your own life, after the advice has been given.

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A conversation with a few friends last night churned out that memorable phrase from the film "Spiderman" - "With great power, comes great responsibility". It came up in the context of a friend, whom we all feel have gone down a wayward and self-destructive path.

The fact that he consistently showed the same pattern in previous parts of his life, reaffirmed our convictions that he was going on a downward spiral, that would bring him and his loved ones, down with him.

Although I refused to let past track records, be a main arbiter for his future. People can change and people do. And sometimes, they do straighten out, once they've found something that keeps them on an even keel.

But honestly, the signs of disaster are all there.

The constant lies, the loss of financial control, the imprudent spending, the unbridled but unrealistic optimism that all things will fall into place, the inability to have a sense of proportion and to put things in order, before taking the next big step. It's all elementary - but not quite to him, currently, I feel.


What is our great responsibility as friends then? The group differed on this point.

Some feel that we should grab him by the collar and shake him silly. Some feel that we should be more assertive in driving home our points.

I took a diametrically opposed stand.

Unless we had a real solution to suit HIM and the situation, we shouldn't even bother, really. Just give the advice and if it has fallen on deaf ears, just walk away.

After all, a part of responsibility in a friendship, is respect, isn't it? It means not allowing our own opinion or personal stand, to encroach on and interfere in the other person's life.

Having said that, however - we also recognized that the impact of some actions in life, are irreversible. And that our friend might grow to regret it, one day.

But it's his personal choice and risk to take, really.

And who the hell is purely rational now, anyway? Asalkan hidup tak menyusahkan orang,...not that I can really say that, about him. He's beginning to be a financial burden to both family and friends.

Truth be told - sometimes, as a friend, we don't know whether what we're doing is good enough, to help our close friends.

But as I get older - I'm beginning to get more conscious of the lines that should and should not be crossed, in friendships. The closeness you feel, should never be a license not to respect their decisions, to erode your faith in them or to pull back your support for their decisions or actions.

That's part of being a responsible friend, too.

And even though it may be enough and future lessons may be a painful one to him (and many others around him) - but being a good friend, is occasionally like being a good parent to adult children.

You've got to advice them and after that, respect their decisions, let them go make their own mistakes but always let them know that you'll always be there for love and support, no matter what happens.

And pray - that it's enough.

Who said things get simpler as we get older?

It doesn't - human beings only simplify it in their minds and change their way of looking at things. But a shipwreck is still a shipwreck, no matter how you look at it.

It does not change the reality of things.

Drifting

Why do people drift apart from each other?

This was an interesting question that appeared in my mind, the other day.

Why do some form of relationships (and I'm talking about all forms of relationships and not just romantic ones, here) remain close and others don't? Why is it that the relationships that you don't work so hard on seem to last and those that you do, always either seem to slowly diminish or disappear as quickly as it came?

In some relationships, it's plainly clear - a determining event culminates in the death of the relationship - like a break-up where you never (or hardly) talk to the ex again.

In some relationships, perhaps the bond you share was due to some familial, life status, physical, professional or environmental proximity - like being being family members, bachelors, neighbours, colleagues or members of the same club/organization/fraternity or interest.

And when those links break, or are not shared anymore or leads to a distancing - the relationships tend to drift away too.

Unless they've built a deeper bond with each other that fortifies the relationship despite the lack of proximity which they're used to. And with some others, the bond remains because of the history and the memories that you've had together, despite not being as close to the other person, as you were before.

In some relationships - you know why people drift away. It makes sense and it makes everything easier to swallow.

And in others, you don't. There's no rhyme or reason for it.

A lovely 20-something girl (with a 30-year old mind) once said to me - "you don't earn your love from people, they give it to you".

And it struck me that she's partly right. They give it to you and they can take it away from you - as they wish it.

Sometimes, the reason could relate to you. But sometimes, it does not - it relates to them.

And just sometimes - you don't know what the hell the reason is. But you can consciously feel yourself drifting apart from the other person and vice-versa. No arguments, no debates, no storms nor thunder.

But the substance of what used to make the relationship special simply,....disappears.

You don't look forward to the person's calls anymore. You don't reply to it, as fast as you did anymore.

You don't feel loved or given your due consideration, therefore subconsciously, you start pulling back, as well.

And before you know it - you've drifted. You become strangers, because you treat each other like strangers and sometimes, with less respect and consideration than acquaintances.

Maybe it's because we take things for granted. Maybe it's because we're going through a temporary or permanent phase. Maybe it's because we love ourselves more than other people. Maybe it's because we've never truly cared for the relationship anyway - who knows?

But every action has a consequence. And whether we're aware of it or not - no form of relationship can survive on a one-way desire and commitment to keep it going (unless you're the mother of a child, perhaps)


It goes without saying that some relationships will remain with you longer than others - and these are the ones that you will cherish the most. Because of the time, love and consideration that both sides give and the commitment that you build (dare I say earn) from being there, when it counts to the other person.

Some relationships will evolve - you are no longer as close, but they remain special in your hearts or in some parts of your memory of shared experiences. And you will spend a part of your time nurturing it, to ensure that the bond lasts, even if you only see them 2-3 times a year.

Some relationships will die - because they have to. Because it's the right thing to do and events between the both of you dictate that it's best to do so.


But some relationships - will just regretfully, fade away - for no reason. Like awful actors that pretend and keep up a facade that everything's okay - when it's not.

Where the foundations of mutual respect, affection and consideration are eroded to the point of no return. Where the hypocrisy of not wanting to offend the other person exceeds the value of fighting for what's good in the relationship.

Where past history is simply just that - past history and it adds nothing to the depth of your esteem or consideration, for the other person.


I guess sometimes, we cannot measure the things that we don't know how to value. And what you cannot value, you won't bother saving.

In some relationships - you don't earn your love, people give it to you.

And in these sort of relationships - you better be prepared to let things drift away.

Like an expected death without a funeral, without grieving - just a mixed bag of numbed despair and quiet acceptance.