Time and Tide

All my life, I've been a planner.

When I was 16, I planned my whole life out - including when I would marry, have children and become a millionaire. When I was 27, I changed my plans. Now at 33, I'm surprised at how far off I am, from what I once planned.

With the exception of in the area of romantic relationships, I consider myself a cautious person. I tend to think things through. I only take risks where I think it's a reasonable and calculated one and I always know where my floor and cut-off point is.

And unless I have a very strong attachment to something or someone, I find that I am easily (almost coldly) able to sever links and relationships, which I feel has become a pain and a liability - although that almost never happens, in my life.

Mum always taught me to be practical about money - it's a means to an end. But she always reminded me that it's an important means to a happier end.

I remember growing up, accompanied by stories of individuals and families who have been unhappy, due to shortage of money or the inability to practice financial discipline. In my own family, I've tasted the bitter medicine of having to pay for the mistakes of my siblings, who were less than careful with money - especially when the loans were under my name.

In a way, I'm my mother's child. I'm careful with money (though by no means stingy) and I always plan the ins-and-outs of the money I have. And I almost never bite off more expenses than my finances can chew. Or take on more responsibilities than I can afford.

Cut your cloth according to your size, Mum always repeated. More often than not, that's always been my guiding principle.

But I've observed that personal finance is always a tricky area, for many people.

Sometimes people who look and dress like they have more money than you, are living on a negative cashflow and negative net worth. I've seen the most capable of bankers, financiers, accountants and businessman who are not careful with their spending - where life is a constant status treadmill of keeping up with the Yeohs (our Malaysian version of keeping up with the Jones').

Why do you think there's so many BMWs and nice lovely homes on auctions nowadays? It's because many Malaysians take money for granted (that they'll always have more of it, in the future) and almost never delay their gratification. They are either without savings or are over-geared in their borrowings.

But almost always, they dress well (or God knows, they try to) - although only a minority of them, can be considered wealthy. And sometimes, their appearance belies their wealth - like the shark fin soup restaurant owner, whom used to come my branch of Hong Leong Finance, back in the mid-90's.

The old man looked like he couldn't afford a singlet and proper pair of bermuda shorts - until you start counting the RM20,000 - RM50,000 which he brings in daily, in cash. Then you know, he's just plain stingy - with himself.

But except for brief periods/phases of my life when I was in the family business, where I had to pump in money to compensate for Abang's financial recklessness - I've always been careful with money. Not overtly so - just sufficiently above average careful. I know I plan a lot more than other people do.

Mum's selective frugality was a good habit to inherit. It keeps me grounded and it stops from digging large of holes of debt, which I shouldn't create.

But the old lady was far from a churchmouse - she loved looking pretty, she loved being stylish and she loved her glitttery jewelleries.

The basic difference was, she always saved up, for all the things that she wanted - she had too much pride to ask for money from others, especially from her children. It was a self-reliance that I found uncommon, for parents and elders.

I have relatives in Kelantan, who make it a profession of asking people for money - for any purpose under the sun - to buy a motorbike (or once, a motorboat to do a rice smuggling business), get a second wife, build a new house, have a 14th child, etc.

My mother is one of the most charitable people, I know - but she disapproved of the behaviour of some of our relatives, who only knew how to unshamingly ask and never knew how to save. And the behaviour seems to spread over generations in the family, believe me. And the habit of borrowing without paying back, disgusted her.

My mother came from a poor family too and was only educated up to 15 years old (which was pretty advanced for her time) - but she never found it as an excuse not to progress in life, be it from a financial or educational perspective or to improve one's knowledge. When she lived, she spoke better English than some of the overseas-trained lawyers I've met! And she always asked probing questions which would later indicate to you, that she's not to be under-estimated.

But in essence, one of my late mother's more enduring legacies, which I'm grateful for - is leaving me with a cautious attitude towards money. She always protested the lifestyle and attitude of "biar papa, asal bergaya".

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I caught a movie "A Lot Like Love" on TV just now (actually, this must be the 4th time, I've ever watched it) starring Ashton Kuthcher and Amanda Peet.

There was this one scene when Ashton's down and out character, had to start from scratch again, after failing in his dotcom venture. He was flat broke and found himself living with his mother again - at 30 years old.

He was sitting by the beach with his married deaf-mute brother, who had a child who was playing by the seaside. And his brother said to him (in sign language) while gesturing towards the child - "You should have one of those you know. They're great".

His reply was - "Yeah, that was the plan" (implying that having a family (with a girl he was still crazy about after 6 years) would be next thing in line in his plans, once he was successful and financially wealthy).

And his brother said: "Your life is right here and now - life is not going to wait for you to get up on your feet again."

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I reflected on that scene and I realized how much I was like Ashton's character now, if not before, too.

Just like him and given that I am by nature, a planner - I expect my life to follow a neat, planned sequence that makes sense. That I would be successful in my business and then to marry and have a family and thereafter, sell out from my business and semi-retire to a life in full-time politics (like what Tony Pua is doing now).

And I swear I was braver, in my 20's - there was a time when I would have married my girlfriend even on a lowly rookie executive's pay in a commercial bank. But in my 30's and having survived an economic crisis - I'm far more cautious now.

I'm willing to take business risks now, because I'm single, somewhat invulnerable and I'm my only risk.

And if I was going to have a family now, I would like to ideally be in a financial position where not working would be an option my future wife could consider, without having to compromise so severely on the family's lifestyle.

And I'm fully aware that the expectations of a man in his 30's is far different, from a man in his 20's. In her 20's - the woman is much more likely to be happy to help out, financially - as they're both young and just starting out. In her 30's (and for some, with a few kids later) - she wants to be taken care of, as she's already been allotted more than her fair share of responsibilities - she's a wife, a mother, a daughter and sometimes, an employee or an entrepreneur, too.

Women and their parents (and our society too, perhaps) is less forgiving of an educated, middle-class man still looking for financial "comfort" in his 30's. And it's always a tough balance when you're an entrepreneur - gestations periods can be long, before things turn around the bend, if at all. Better for you to be a professional working for a foreign multinational - that's the pick of the crop.

Is it any wonder that our parents used to rush us to get married in our 20's? Perhaps, they knew expectations differ once a person is in their 30's and aligning the couple's expectations, could be more difficult. Because you're wiser and you know better, your financial needs and you'd be less clouded by the naivete of youth.

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I know the virtues of financial planning and delaying one's gratification. But I sometimes wonder whether I'm putting my life on hold, simply because of my innate need for things to fall in sequence (when they don't necessarily work that way), before progressing to the next stage.

There's always a price and trade-off to delayed gratification (especially in matters of matrimony) - you're trading financial stability for youth, comfort for time, maturity for a shorter potential lifetime with one's children, wealth for health, achieving your dreams for years alone, etc.

And the thing is the price always looks like it's worth paying at this front-end - until you actually go through it - and possibly regret that some actions were not taken earlier on, in life.

Like the line in the movie goes - life is not going to wait for you, to get up on your feet.

Maybe that's why people do what they do - it's not that they're not thinking, it's just that we're only passing this way once - and the going may never be as good as they are right now. Hence, the imperative to live life in the moment.

In my 30's - I'm quite sure that the line lies somewhere in between - in between achieving the ideal in our lives and living our life ideally, in the present. Because as the line in the Aerosmith song goes - "I don't wanna miss a thing".

By all means, plan your life - but leave some space for God's blessings to enter in between and for the moments to be enjoyed, with love and family.

A Good Man in Politics

I'm halfway through, reading "The Audacity of Hope" by the dashing American Democrat politician cum aspiring President, Barack Obama.

I'm not very fond of the way he writes, but I find myself agreeing to almost all of what he said in the book, so far.

Obama seems to have that one quality that most politicians lack, anywhere in the world - intellectual integrity.

He refuses to cave in to the temptation of winning arguments by virtue of one-sided arguments or a partisan stand, preferring instead to get to the root of the problem and taking a bipartisan approach, by acknowledging all sides of the problem and even considering possible solutions, offered by people who are politically opposed to oneself.

And he values the virtue of walking the talk and to avoid from diluting one's one own opinion and stand on issues, despite the risk to the position that one holds. I think that is one of the most necessary and redeeming features of a good statesman - to be consistent and persistent, to lead and to solve, when others would only prefer to argue.

And that makes him a rare animal in a world, where political and national leaders, have held on to toeing the party line and alignment, defending its stand and virtues, even when its stand is wrong or mistaken and their values have become irrelevant, outdated and quite possibly, corrosive to the nation's future development.

In some parts of the book, one begins to realize that despite America and Malaysia being 2 vastly different countries, at different stages of maturity - some of thepublic and national issues we're grappling with are similar.



I'd just like to share with all of you a few passages from "The Audacity of Hope":

"Of course, in the end a sense of mutual understanding isn't enough. After all, talk is cheap; like any value, empathy must be acted upon. When I was a community organizer back in the eighties, I would often challenge neighbourhood leaders by asking them where they put their time, energy and money.

Those are thetrue tests of what we value, I'd tell them, regardless of what we like to tell ourselves.

If we aren't willing to pay a price for our values, if we aren't willing to make some sacrifices in order to realize them, then we should truly ask ourselves if whether we truly believe them at all"

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"It's not simply a gap that exists between our professed ideals as a nation and the reality that we witness everyday. In one form or another, that gap has existed since America's birth.

Wars have been fought, laws passed, systems reformed, unions organized and protests staged to bring promise and practice into closer alignment.

No, what's troubling is the gap between the magnitude of our challenges and the smallness of our politics - the ease which we are distracted by the petty and trivial, our chronic avoidance of tough decisions, our seeming inability to build a working consensus to tackle any big problem.

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"I am convinced that whenever we exaggerate and demonize, oversimplify or overstate our case, we lose.

Whenever we dumb down our political debate, we lose.

For it's preceisely the pursuit of ideological purity, the rigid orthodoxy and the sheer predictability of our current political debate, that keeps us from finding new ways to meet the challenges we face as a country.

It's what keeps us locked in "either/or" thinking: the notion that we can only have big government or no government; the assumption that we must either tolerate forty-six million without health insurance or embrace "socialized medicine".

It is such doctrinaire thinking and stark partisanship that have turned Americans off politics."

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"The demands of party loyalty, the imperative of campaigns and the amplification of conflict by the media, all contribute to an atmosphere of suspicion.

Moreover, most people who serve in Washington have been trained either as lawyers or political operatives - professions that tend to place a premium on winning arguments rather than solving problems.

I can see how, after a certain amount of time in the capital, it becomes tempting to assume that those who disagree with you have fundamentally different values - indeed, that they are motivated by bad faith and perhaps, are bad people."

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"Sometimes, we need both cultural transformation and government action - a change in values and a change in policy - to promote the kind of society we want.

The state of our inner city schools is a case in point. All the money in the world won't boost student achievement if parents make no effort to instill in their children the values of hard work and delayed gratification.

But when we as a society, pretend that poor children will fulfill their potential in dilapidated, unsafe schools with outdated equipment and teachers who aren't trained in the subjects they teach - we are perpetrating a lie to these children and on ourselves. We are betraying our values".

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"Like many conservatives, I believe in the power of culture to determine both individual success and social cohesion, and I believe we ignore cultural factors at our peril. But I also believe that our government can play a role in shaping that culture for the better - or for the worse."

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Personally, I don't think that Obama would make it in his bid to be the Democrat's choice for Presidential candidate (my money's still on Hillary Clinton - bringing with it a 2nd era of "Clintonship" in the White House).

But I'll be honest - I would love to see more of the likes of him in Washington and perhaps, for him to be the first non-Caucasian American President, one day.

America badly the needs the wisdom and guidance of a centrist-leaning leader that's willing to take the hard decisions to not only make it more politically sensible and economically more competitive and equitable, but also far more internationally humane in its approach and socially cohesive as a nation.

Having said that, where are our very own Obamas in Malaysia?

Fear Weaving

It creeps up on you, without you even realizing it.

Just when you think when you know what fear looks and feels like, it deceives you by embedding itself into your calculating logic and experience-based instincts, giving it a veneer of respectability and camouflaging the true nature of fear.

I asked myself a few days ago, whether I've become afraid to love.

The mind obviously said "no" - as whatever it was, it didn't feel or act like fear. It felt more like caution or prudent assessment, if you like - but it didn't have the scent of fear.

Surely, the mind is allowed to exercise some caution, after so much hurt and experience, no? I mean, what would we be, if we kept venturing forth repeatedly and knocking our heads in the same direction - without getting a different result? We would only be hurt, in the end, right?

And who wants to be hurt, right?

Experience is a good teacher - but it is only as good a teacher, as the (correct) lessons you extract from it.

But there are times when experience makes you fixed and rigid in your perspective and when you recognize "patterns" far too prematurely, in relationships - you tend to to "filter" a little too much, by mental checklists and criteria - as if you're now overcompensating, for too little filtering earlier on, in your romantic ventures and escapades.

And even if you're the gung-ho type to live your dreams - eventually, the battle scars wear you down and without realizing it - you let fear seep into your life - influencing crucial decisions, without you realizing it.

Even while you think you're still the hopeless romantic. Even as you're still doing loving and thoughtful gestures left, right and center for the people you love. Even if you'd rush over at a moment's notice to fulfill their needs or to be there for them, with a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.

Even while all of this is happening - you've let fear creep in - because you find yourself hesitating from making your next move. You lie in wait - for a sign, for a stronger response, for acknowledgement and acceptance, for requital of one's love - until you decide that it's safe to put your heart on the line again.

You get stuck in the predictable, comfort zone of "this is as good, as it's going to get" and you accept it, even when your heart wants more and is ready to risk a beating, to get what it wants.

Your head tells you to stay in the same spot - to keep things placid and calm. Learn to have no expectations and you will not be disappointed. You convince yourself that it's not that bad, being where you are - even when your heart disagrees.

It's contentment with repressed misery, really - usually put up as a display for friends and strangers, who we feel would be happier, seeing us happy.



It's one thing when you don't realize that it's happening to you - most people in this world get by by an overriding belief in their own minds and logic, without ever considering the fact that the mind is too often a willing accomplice to console us, from our hidden fears and disappointments. Many things (both good and bad) make sense to us, when we persuade ourselves that this is the way things are meant to be.

They don't realize that it's happening to them - as they continually shift their perspective each time, to suit their changing landscape of circumstances.

They will take different "lessons" home, because experience to them, means never having to admit temporary failure, fear, guilt or misfortune or even involving a degree of self-introspection, that one could be wrong. It's reality packaged to your wants and expectations, in your mind. Just like most sitcoms - it's meant to have a happy ending.


And then there are some of us - who recognize fear, for what it is. And who have, in the past and in many aspects of their lives - strived, fought and refused to bow down to fear.

Yet, in all awareness, finding ourselves unable to take the next step, in love - because we're afraid of getting hurt - again.

Finding this unfamiliar crippling fear, weaving itself into the logic and treasure trove of experience - that has the tendency of shielding us from the "bad" and "risky" things. (Even we though we know full well, that no one has experienced the great rewards, without taking the necessary risks in life)

Cutting down our patience and tolerance for trying - because we've convinced ourselves that it will probably not work. Never giving anything time to develop, never letting anything grow into something deeper and more meaningful - despite the fact, that there's nothing that the heart wants more.

Perhaps, there is a finite limit to the human will to withstand emotional pain and disappointments, before it breaks and scurries off like a frightened squirrel. Perhaps, even the most sanguine and determined risk-takers of us in love, will eventually find a threshold, where fear imposingly confronts desire.

I recognize you, Fear - and I know what you're doing to me. And for the while, subconsciously, your presence cripples me. I'm not quite sure what to do about you.

But make no mistake - the heart is a resilient thing, given time, faith and even a smattering of love reciprocated from people that we love. It builds, it grows, it nurtures - and yes, it does overcome our fears.

I shall overcome you, Fear. Maybe not now, maybe one day. But I know you're there - and God willing, I shall overcome you.

Leaping Cats,...

....is on the front cover of the card.

It was given to me more than 2 years ago, by someone who was very special to me at that time. She bought it, because the card reminded her of me.

It's funny what you stumble on to, when you're doing your house spring cleaning.

In the card, was handwritten the lovely words of Henry Drummond, which she had quoted, to express how happy, blissful and alive (her words, not mine) I'd made her life. It went something like this:

"You will find as you look back upon your life, that the moments when you have really lived, are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love".


Old cards from former lovers are strange that way - you remember the feeling of how good and sweet it was - but in an almost detached manner, like a 3rd party outside looking in, at someone else's life.

Maybe because the words use to mean everything and it's truly felt by lover saying it.

But after so much time was spent overcoming the grief of loss of lost love, the bittersweet memories evoked by old cards and gifts, become like early morning sunrays on your face - you still feel the warmth but it doesn't burn you, anymore.

Such is God's miracle of a human being - we hold within us a deep capacity to give, to love, to forgive and to forget - whether in sequence or simultaneously.

And sometimes, God gives us the capacity to remember with fondness, to be thankful that there was a chunk of time where the absolute bliss of being in love and being loved in return, is truly one of the occasional blessings in one's life. And to not hurt anymore, when one looks back on what was lost and of promises broken.

Some people have never even been there. I've almost died with grief several times from it - but I've also been unafraid and lucky enough to know what the feeling is like, several times with several different lovers.

Leaping cats. I'd never trade-in the experience for anything else in life.

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Happy Valentine's Day to all. :)

It's slightly more meaningful this year for me, even without a romantic partner - because I've learnt that it could also be about the joy of giving to the people you love and seeing their happiness in receiving it.

It's about being there in the moments that count (as one close friend has pointed out in the last few days) and the love you have for your loved ones - God, friends, family, colleagues, society - or even loving oneself.

It could also be about being considerate and doing the right thing, at the right time - giving people what they need, as opposed to what you would want, from them.

It doesn't have to be a twosome, romantic or reciprocal. It just has to be sincere and from the heart.

I must be getting older - because even while some important questions remain unanswered, life is beginning to make a lot more sense and I seem to worry less about what's coming (or not coming). I'm enjoying the journey more than the outcome. I'm in a good place in my life, right now.

I just do my best (without compromise, retreat or surrender) in the moment that I'm blessed with and strive not to give in to my fears, come what may.

Perhaps, this is the way I've learnt to love life.

Days of Loss and Sadness

It seems like these days, the people in my generation have reached that sad stage in their lives, where they are beginning to experience the loss of one or both parents. :(

It's truly a sobering experience, which I sometimes wish we would not have to go through. Nothing is as irreplaceable as our parents.

Last night, 2 dear friends - Johan and Aisyah - lost their father to a heart attack. (Updated correction: He passed away due to haemorrhaging dengue, suffered a few days after a successful heart bypass operation) My deepest sympathies and heartfelt condolences to both of you and your family, on your great loss. :( I wish for both of you, strength and patience, in these saddest of times.

It's little consolation, I know - but I always believe that our parents live forever in us - in our memories, accompanying our prayers, in the next generation, in the things they've taught us and the good values which they cherished and that we continue to uphold, even long after they're gone.

And sometimes, the loss of one parent - makes our effort in loving the remaining one, even more. I've been there too.

To Joe and Aisyah - may your father's soul find the greatest of blessings, in the next life. Al-Fatihah.

When All Sides Look The Same

A friend pointed out the other day that there is no difference between the political parties in Malaysia - be it on the Government or the Opposition side.

They carry different labels and claim to sell different "products" - but they all seem to show the same capacity for blatant economic and business corruption, once in power.

Principles is something they hold up for the public to see - but at the end of the day, it's the pragmatism that brings them to power, that makes them indeliberately united and consistent in method, intent and outcome.

And far worse, he noted that even the current generation has been co-opted into the system - no one fights the necessary fight anymore - many are content to play on the fringe and leave the larger problem for someone else to solve.

The question is: when even the best in one's generation shies away from the necessary fight, who else is left to fight the rot that we inherit, from the sins of our elders?

Having been on both sides of the political fence before, he seemed distressed that Malaysia not only lacks an alternative side, but also a generation with an alternative behavioural alignment that could usher in a new age of politics in Malaysia - everyone's stuck in the entrenched mould that has been built for this country, either racially, historically, socially or culturally.

Everywhere he turns, the political leaders of all colours, all look and act the same.

I had no answers to his ponderings.

I began to question whether the expectations that we once had in our youth, we're too unrealistic in the world of Malaysian realpolitik. Malaysia seems like a house infested with termites - the stucture is quietly being eroded and eaten away, without anyone noticing - and it will lead to a surprisingly quiet collapse.

Will we end up a basketcase country one day, because everyone has kept silent and done nothing to stop the rot?

As the old saying goes: "For evil to win, good men only have to do nothing".

It's not enough for us, to do no evil to hurt others. Evil has to be fought, even when they hurt others, other than ourselves. And it is common sense, that if corruption is allowed to fester within one's society - sooner or later, you will find it visiting your doorstep. Even when you leave it alone - it may not leave you alone.

And if you see that there is no other in your generation that is leading the charge against evil - it may be because it is your place and responsibility to be leading the charge.

The mantle of responsibility falls not sometimes, on those who are most willing and capable amongst us - but the reluctant ones with the most courage and determination to fight the good fight. Those who are not afraid to lose everything, for the sake of something that's right.

God knows better, I guess.

But do we have a choice but to fight, no matter how small and outnumbered the number of good incorruptible people, within the system?

As life is not eternal, why bother, some of us, say? But to answer it, you have to know and understand the importance of the question, I think.

Short snippets again,.....

From the movie "The Last Kiss", was a memorable line from Tom Wilkinson's character, on the issue of love:-

"What you feel, only matters to you. It's what you do, to the people you say you love - that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts".

Ponder upon that for a while - you'll be surprised at how many people that will fail that test.

I loved this movie. It's brutally honest and does not try to sugarcoat or simplify complex issues of the fallibility of human nature, family and relationships. It's not judgemental yet it desists from being amoral. It doesn't promise a happy ending, but it offers to hope to those willing to confront their demons.

It's just plain good storytelling, really.

And somebody please give me a wife like the lovely, luscious and talented Jacinda Barrett. She's hot!!

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Dibawah awan mendung dan hujan renyai sayu;
Disebalik nyaring nan bising ributan kosmpolitan
yang menghanyutkan seribu sibuk tugasan dan kejaran
manusia;
Didalam kamar samar cahaya yang hening,
membaluti jiwa geronggang;
Didalam minda yang serabut buta,
penuh persoalan tanpa selesai;

Pelita hatiku untukmu tetap menyala terang,
tanpa berserah,
tanpa sempadan yang dapat kucapai.

Karya:
Stingray
5 Februari 2007