Scared and Damaged

There was an interesting phrase in tonight's episode of Gray's Anatomy, when describing someone who had gone through multiple number of traumatizing emotional experiences - "scared and damaged".

I felt that the phrase resonated with me - it could partly describe what I am, right now. And I remember thinking that the phrase could apply to a whole bunch of people that I know, as well.

People who have been through many, many challenges and disappointments in their lives.

People who are short on love and elders who acted like mature adults, when they were growing up - and who have ceased to believe in the sincerity of love - preferring the chilling comfort of pragmatic choices and the safety of material wealth.

People who have lost control of where they are emotionallly (or were) and are living lives of quiet desperation, silently coping - unknown to the outside world.

People who hang on to the futile hopes that come attached to the lies that they want to hear, from the person, that will never have the courage to be theirs.

People who choose to avoid the problems in their miserable marriages, rather than confront it - keeping up pretenses when the cracks in the relationship, were obvious to the world at large.

And many, many other people - they're all in one way or another - "scared and damaged".

There's no one right way of dealing with the problem of being "scared and damaged". We are all a product of our life experiences and environment.

But whatever the choices we make - no matter how scared and damaged we think we are - there's always some space to appreciate ourselves and to let others love us.

By all means, be a little cautious - you don't want to hurt anyone in the process - but don't stop yourself from living - and feeling.

Because you have to believe that fear of the past can be overcome and that all things heal with time, good sense, courage, forgiveness - and hope.

Scared and damaged - it doesn't have to be a permanent condition. It's understandable for you to be afraid - but it's not fine to run away, from your problems.

In the game that is life - you don't get the option of playing a permanent victim. No matter how scared and damaged you are - you're expected to bounce back strongly, one day.

You owe it to yourself, to do so.

Equilibrium Point

These last 3 weeks have been one of the most challenging periods of my life.

The toughest challenges are always the unexpected ones. And it hurts even more when it brings great disappointments with it - people who let you down in great, big ways with major mistakes that are not so easily forgiven, by many.

But I'd like to think that I've survived it so far- and I've managed to do the right thing - to take the correct steps, without fear and favour. You only know the strength of your convictions and principles, when you have to take a definite stand on your principles against a close friend.

Corruption is not only about money. It's about abuse of power. It's about the lack of process and controls, that gives the leeway for it. It's about a total disregard for the well-being of others. It's the misplaced conviction that you know better than others - therefore, it's best not to tell them anything. The theory is that - what they don't know, won't hurt them.

There are those who are corrupt and they know it. There are those who have forgotten what corruption looks like and the indignation that one feels when faced with it. The rot is complete when people accept it as part of the process - and that there should be exceptions to the law and ethics.

I have taken steps to correct things from his transgressions. I am still vastly disappointed with his actions, but I've forgiven him. Sometimes, people just do stupid things - we have to accept that.

But do better than just doing the right thing - learn to forgive, encourage, rekindle and move on, if it justifies it. It doesn't have to be a zero sum game. Admittedly, people sometimes do lose their way - get them back on the right track - and who knows? They might be your saviour next, if not others.

***************************

But it's not easy. There's always a part of you that's always tempted to take the easy way out. But I'm glad I didn't give in to that temptation - my conscience would never have been able to live with it.

But there's something better than the ability to do the right thing, despite everything else.

Once that is done - one must have the ability to forgive, to give the remorseful and the repentant a second chance.

People forget that most better men are usually saddled with a history of mistakes that they've learned from - that's what makes them better men and leaders, eventually.

And most men who will never become better people, are those who shall never admit to their mistakes. Those who never look in the mirror because it never occured to them that they could be wrong.

***********************************

The emotional fast on romantic relationships is going well. I'm calmer now, even though things have been emotionally challenging on other fronts.

But for the first time, in a very long time - I'm at equilibrium point, with life.

There's no one else I'd rather be, at this point in time - nothing more that I'd wish I had done, in current circumstances.

Although I must admit - there are times when it's tempting to entertain the thoughts of starting all over again - in another place, on God's great earth. To just get away from it all.

To go away and to be in a place where my history (and sometimes, the darker aspects of the wrong sort of reputation) would not follow me - where I'm just an unknown stranger to most people - where there are no history of preconceived notions and where some people would give me a chance to be what I am and what I can be.

On some days, it's tempting.

But am not ready to entertain thoughts of uprooting and leaving yet - I love this country and there's still so much about it, that I would fight for.

And as long as it doesn't break me, trying to remain me and to keep hoping for better things on all fronts - I would continue being here - fighting away, as usual - in areas of life where many others have given up on (like corruption) and have resigned themselves to accept, as part of life.

As the saying goes - "For evil to win, good men only have to do nothing".

It's not evil's day to win yet - even if your impact be within a small seemingly insignificant circle, in the larger scheme of things - I pray that good people have the courage to fight off the wrong and to stop the rot at their doorstep.

Don't choose to do nothing, in the spheres of life where you can effect change. You're not as powerless, as you think.

Don't back off and wane in your spirits, even if you're in the small minority. Let evil wait another lifetime to win, while you and a few good men are around.

There are few achievements in life that will be as significant or meaningful in your life - as having the courage and integrity to do the right thing, at the right time and when it counts the most. Fight the good fight.

Awake and Battle Weary

It's close to 5 a.m. and I'm blogging because I can't sleep.

I make it sound like it's the first morning that I haven't been able to sleep. It's not.

For the last month or so, I haven't been able to sleep properly - and it's getting worse. It's been ages since I last used the big bed in the room, because it feels too big and quiet for me to sleep on. I've been sleeping in front of the TV, on a thin mattress beside my yoga mat - and the last voice that puts me to sleep at night, is the television's.

If I'd care to admit it, in the last month or so, I've treated myself better.

I don't let people get away with things they shouldn't get away with and with this emotional fast, I try to keep things straight and simple - with a great degree of restraint - and to simply float in a space of existence - without any emotional dreams or disappointment.

Life is easier when you don't take risks with your emotions.

When you stop from throwing yourself into another emotional train-wreck, simply because you don't think you should give up on attempting to make things better.

When you stop jumping into relationships unless you're with a person that makes you feel alive, simply with a tender look, a loving smile and whom you have seemingly limitless patience for.

When you know what you want, what it looks like, how it feels like inside - and you know this not out of theory - but because you've revisited that same emotional point, over and over again - peppered with so many of the trials and errors - that accompany the effort of the possibility that things could begin, progress or end, in a different way.

At this point in my life - and with as many mistakes that I've made - I know when it's love - truly, madly, deeply - and I know when I'm trying to fool myself, into thinking that love could grow.

Sometimes, I'm exhausted and I forget for a while - when the part of my mind that focuses on the present, tells me to explore possibilities that I've literally run through many, many times in real life - and I almost forget that I could hurt myself, if not others, by trying when I don't really mean or want to.

I know myself now, in matters of the heart - theoretically and exhaustively tried and tested.

I'm an incurable romantic - and I can move mountains on sheer love and passion alone, if I'm in love with someone. And if it's reciprocated - you will see me do some really spectacular things in life. It's the sort of person I am - it's all or nothing.

It's not a choice, really - it's how I'm built inside, emotionally. All or nothing. Love or loneliness. Euphoria or emptiness. Great passion or sheer indifference. I simply cannot compromise on the choices the heart makes. God knows I've tried.

It's not that I've not tried the middle path of compromise - it's just that the results of these attempts have always been heartbreaking - either for me, or the people who have tried to love me. And I'm not the sort of person that can sustain a pretense for long - sooner or later, if it's not who I am, the cracks will begin to show.

Knowing (and I mean really knowing) the person that you are, is the first step. Patiently accepting the person that you are, (even if it puts you into an unhappy corner, for the time being) is a second difficult step. Staying the course, persevering and continuing on the track of what defines you as a loving being - is the hardest third step of all.

I wish for better nights of sleep.

The sleep that I need at night. The waking sleep that I have in the day when I work and occupy myself to the sheer point of exhaustion at night - so that I don't have t notice - that I don't quite have an emotional and familial end, to all these worldly efforts. And that without love and family, the efforts for money, fame and success is not as meaningful as it should be, to me.

I don't have any answers for now. I know that I don't want to hurt (greatly) anymore and I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

I want to be kinder and more respectful of myself and yet to give others the love and respect due to them, because they've earned it - or simply because I want to give them, more than they deserve.

Every day, I find that little bit more strength to carry on - because of the people around me - the friendships of people who are loyal and generous with their time and attention, sometimes to a fault - and I'm lucky to have them - even if over time, I'm still learning to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Meanwhile, I go on with my life and I do my best with my work (and my uncompromising stand that the end does not justify the means, even in the business world) and my relationship with close friends, eking out every ounce of joy, out the sincere reciprocal act of giving and receiving, caring and being cared for - from some of the most emotionally generous people in the world, despite their busy schedules.

And I try to take the 3 steps of being who I am, in matters of the heart - to know, to accept and to persevere - and hope that somewhere along the line, sleep will not elude me as much, nor the peace I seek for, within.


**********************************************

On another note, I want to talk for a while on cynicism.

All my life, I've always asked why so many old people, become hardened and cynical in their outlook on life. I always wondered why - and for some of these people, I know that they were the most inspiring of people, in their younger days - successful, positive, vibrant and nothing short of mercurial in effort, if not results.

I wondered whether there was a definite turning point - or whether it's something corrosive that gradually eats up the faith that you have - in people and situations.

And almost all of my adult life - I've battled hard against cynicism - simply because I think that it not only erodes the human spirit and it's a contagious social disease - it's much easier to prepare and set yourself up for disappointment with low expectations of yourself (and others) and in your ability to make a difference.

After all, it's much easier to blame the world and all the evil that comes beating down your door. To accept it, to never be disappointed, to give up on people and situations, before you even try.

And sooner or later, you find yourself pulling out (or worse, playing the dirty game) and totally focusing on what benefits you and you justify it by saying "everybody does this" or things like "this how things are in Malaysia, just accept it-lah" or "I'm just a cog in the wheel".

Cynicism cannot and does not create. It is the quiet evil seedling that teaches you to give up on life and others and to recoil, into your cavernous and selfish existence. It creates people who refuse to fight and who have learned to give up early on, so they don't have to face the prospect of failure or disappointment, ever.

But over time - I'm beginning to consciously learn, why (and how) cynicism creeps up on you.

It creeps up on you, when people close to you and whom you care about tremendously, hurt you deeply.

It creeps up on you when you witness the undeserving and unmeritorious, take the lion's share of life's opportunities, through less than palatable methods.

It creeps up on you when you feel that you have been used by loved ones and friends and some of them, would not give a damn about you, if it doesn't benefit them, in any way.

It creeps up on you, when the governance system in your company or country fails you - and continues failing you - despite all your hard work, to make things better.

It creeps up on you, when you hardly see the kindness of loved ones and when you're constantly bombarded by the hard path and the calamities in your life, through no fault of your own, like losing loved ones through man-made tragedies (like the Highland Towers one), abandonment of your parents or the bitter divorce of your parents.

It creeps up on you, when you have been disappointed repeatedly, by people or situations, that you unwittingly find yourself in - regardless of how you try to modify your approach to the situation.

It creeps on you when your heroes or leaders you look up to - sell out on their principles and compromises the interest of others, for the sake of obtaining ill-gotten wealth.

Most importantly of all, cynicism gets the better of you - when you've exhausted all your emotional reserves and faith in people and situations - and the possibility of constructive change, no matter how slim the chances may look.

Cynicism gets the better of you - when you're afraid to get hurt again and when it's easier to erect a great wall of disbelief and expected disappointments - so that regardless of what disaster happens - you've "expected"it and you can't get hurt.

We negatively harden ourselves inside to protect against hurt and disappointment - it happens to the best of us, it happens to the rest of us.

Having gone through the last few difficult years since 2003, has taught me the why's and how's of cynicism. I realize why people do it and I realize why people get to that point, in their lives. People generally, do not have deep wells of faith, forgiveness and understanding - for other people and situations, which disappoint them.

Although understanding it - does not make me accept it, any better.

Simply because we don't have an alternative to rejecting cynicism - any other choice by the collective, leaves us much poorer for it - because a decision to not get disappointed, is a decision to not hope.

And how can things ever change for the better, if we even refuse to entertain, the possibility of hope?


****************************************

The sun is coming up soon and work beckons. Sleep eludes me for another day.

Maybe I'll have better luck, tomorrow night.

I guess I need to believe that it can.

Topeng Yang Lusuh

Tulus itu
suatu kitab hilang
manusia hari ini
Kepuraan tidak sudah
membaluti motif serong

Topeng itu
walaupun lusuh dimakan zaman
rajin dipakai insan rakus
batinnya lapar dahaga
bergelumang rezeki haram

Tekad itu
azam melawan manusia palsu
yang sujudnya kanan Tuhan, sembahnya kiri Iblis
bermain wayang, mencari kuasa
tapi khianat di puncak, lupa segala amanah

Tabah itu
rasa insan minoriti
Tidak ingin kompromi, enggan maruah dijual
persetankan destinasi akhir
asal hidup bergenggam prinsip

Tawakkal itu
usaha melawan badai sesat
ukurnya bukan menang kalah
tapi bak terang bulan dipagari pekat malam,
Tunggal setia, sumber inspirasi si pencinta


Nukilan:
Stingrayz
11 April 2007

Square Pegs and Round Holes

Square pegs and round holes. This was the analogy that I used to explain to someone whom was hurting after her boyfriend (whom is a close friend) had left her.

I was trying to explain to her that the failure was not out of a lack of effort on her side - or his, for that matter. They had both given it their very best effort.

It's just that at this particular juncture of their lives, they're not suited to each other. There's a severe maturity gap (although neither of them are very mature yet) which makes them a prickly combination, when together.

Understandably, the concept was difficult for her to grasp. A natural over-achiever, she greatly believed in herself and the ability to overcome anything, if you give it your best. It's worked for her in her student life and her nascent career, so far. She seemed to have the idea that the only way to fail, is when you give up.

In some ways, in some areas of life - she's right. But in matters of the heart - and in friendships too, as I've discovered lately - you have to know when it does not fit and when something is just plain wrong, staying together - regardless of how hard one side or both sides, try.

For something to work it has to feel right on both sides - and even if that is satisfied, it should follow certain norms of moral observance and societal engagement - like not messing about with a married man with children. Sometimes, there are many more important things than love - there's respect and consideration that you don't take the risk of damaging the lives of others, on a whim of passion.

In matters of the heart and friendship - you have to know when to quit your emotional investment, before you burn all your emotional reserves. You should only invest in things that have the potential of growth - antyhing that stagnates or depletes your reserves, is a loss-making investment.

And you have to understand the rule of square pegs and round holes. And to know when to cut your losses, because you know that you deserve better.

Lately, in my life - I'm starting to learn the concept of self-respect - that love for others, loved ones, friends and family - does not mean that you have to sell yourself short. And that a good investment in love - is when there is reciprocity in investment and mutual respect.

Maybe it doesn't have to be in equal doses - but it must be in sufficient, equitable doses. You'll always know inside, when you're tolerating selfish creatures that only know how to use you and to demand things of you - without reciprocating anything, in return.

*********************************************

So, here comes the natural counter-argument: Opposites attract, right? So, how does one explain that?

Yes, opposites do attract. I'm sure we've seen our share of it - pretty girls to ugly guys, smart guys to bimbos, liberal city boys to traditional rural girls, boisterous noisy women to quiet unassuming men, etc.

There's something about people who are different from us, that piques our curiousity, that arouses our interest - that attracts us like moths to flame.

Yes, opposites do attract - but they can only last with a common foundation and perspective on core issues. Sometimes, that common foundation is just there. Sometimes, it has to be fought out and drainingly developed over time.

And sometimes, when you get 2 people who are so diversely different or diamterically opposed (or equally headstrong, for that matter) - you never reach that common foundation - and it doesn't last.

With people who are opposites, things can only last if you can learn to listen to one another's voice, above the din of one's own.

And when I say listen, I mean to hold back all pre-conceived notions and value judgement, until you understand what the other party is saying. It's learning to empathize - to imagine for a while, if you were in the other person's shoes with his circumstances and historical background.

And to have large reservoirs of forgiveness and the humility to apologize - for any wrong that you've done or even when you don't feel that you're in the wrong - for the hurt that has been caused - even if it's not your fault.

These are not easy traits to pick up. 9 of out 10 people Ive met can't do it - especially the smart ones - because they like the sound of their own voices, they're convinced by the strength of their own preaching (even when they don't walk it) and because they never admit or even momentarily allow themselves the space of self-doubt - hence, lacking the ability to give the benefit of the doubt, to others.

It requires you to be sensitive to the nature of others. It requires you to set aside your ego - and to put the other person, as the centrepiece of your focus, in understanding the issue. It requires you to temporarily suspend all fixed notions of right and wrong - and to see if there's a new perspective that could be learnt here, for things to improve.

You can't address what you don't understand.

You can't make things better when you've decided that the only thing that can remained unchanged, in a relationship conflict, is yourself. That it always has to be the other party caving in - or that when you do give in, that it's a strategic bargaining move or tactical advantage to gain the upper hand in different aspects of the relationship.

To be a good lover and a good friend - you have to learn the art of giving and sacrificing.

Good relationships and friendships are grown on the altar of emotional investment, time, fun, sharing, nurturing, appreciation, constant adjustment, benefit of the doubt, forgiveness and most of all, an acceptance of the other person for who he or she is - without looking down at their values - or feel the need to feel superior to them, to feel good about oneself.

It's not a matter of who wins or who is right - it's a matter of putting the value of the relationship, above each individual party's interest. It's making the "we" matter more than "I".


**************************************

I've always liked diversity in friendships.

I have many, many friends and acquiantances and the range of behaviour that's acceptable to me - is far wider than most people can tolerate. With me, it's simple - everyone has some form of good qualities in them - from the neighbourhood's pak ustaz to the drunkard intellectual hedonist.

And if we just take the time to listen - you may just learn something new - a fresh and different perspective on life. Or maybe you'll learn why a person thinks a certain way.

People fascinate me - perhaps, that explains my penchant for diversity in friendships. My world keeps getting bigger and more colourful, because of the things that I understand from them and their lives. It's better than fiction - it's real life! (Who says reading is the only way to learn?)

But managing that diversity requires me to be almost value-neutral, publicly. What it means is that even though I have my own set of beliefs and values, I don't impose them on others. I'm not looking to preach to them - I'm looking to learn from each and every single one of them.

But managing that dievrsity can be difficult - either ways, wherever you are on the moral spectrum, you will be judged by them.

Some people can manage true acceptance of other people - other people put on a fake tolerance of others, just to display that they're tolerant - even if they totally cannot relate, to the values of another.



As I grow older, I'm beginning to realize that it's becoming increasingly difficult for people who have rarely made mistakes, to be friends with people who have made many, many mistakes.

True humility (and not the silly feigned modesty thing that the Malays are usually guilty of) usually comes as a function of trial and error and surviving major mistakes. True humility comes from knowing that we are not perfect or free from mistakes and that the only way to survive them is to constantly question oneself and to make necessary course corrections along the way.

And unless you have humility - you can never be entirely self-aware - and more importantly, sensitive to the environment around you. Humility is the thing that keeps you from being socially stupid or impulsive - of saying things that may hurt or offend others, deliberately or otherwise.

Whatever it is - we are, who we are - sometimes, we can help it, sometimes, we can't - because we don't have the E.Q. to know any better.

And lately, I find that I may not have the strength to manage such a diverse range of people - especially, when they can't or don't accept me, for who I am.

There used to be a time when I felt that I had the strength to compensate for their shortfall and tantrums - that as long as I gave a bit more, the relationship or friendship would be fine.

But that is not the case, anymore. Reaching my mid-30's - I find the need to simplify, to discard of things which are emotionally harmful or simply a baggage that I do not have to carry about.
And to focus more on the relationships and friendships that are more sincere, rewarding and reciprocal - the ones that do not give me constant grief.

Not all friendships are created equal.

And it's about time I stopped giving undeserving people so much benefit of the doubt - on the count of giving, caring and time and money investment, I think I've exceeded them by about three times over, at least.

*****************************************

And sometimes, I find out - that I don't even get proper respect, after all that.

That sometimes, they don't even bother verifying the truth on matters, with me - they just unilaterally make up their minds, from their preconceived judgement of my past and totally lacking in appreciation, for any improvements that I have made, since then.

What is the point of intellect and friendship, when the truth becomes something optional? What is the point of having friends who "have grown tired" of you and who can only see your mistakes and have forgotten to consider all your past deeds and kindness, when they were down, conflicted and confused?

Yes, I have made many mistakes in life - I'll be the very first to admit that - especially when it comes to my choice of women. But that doesn't mean that I'll forever be a screw-up in this area and that it's okay for you to assume so - because it's not.

Why is it that most people always remember the times, when others are down - but usually, are less critical of their own moments of folly and weakness?

**********************************************

To the particular friend that I'm addressing this to - if the truth has become optional to you and from your words and actions, you only have but unwarranted distrust for me - then, you would do better without my friendship.

I have the truth on my side and God knows better - and I hope one day, you will know better. But for now, with all due respect - to hell, with your ingratitude, immaturity and "holier than thou" attitude.

You do not deserve my friendship, if the truth has become optional to you. You neither value me or my friendship - that has become manifestly clear, in the last few days.

And I've finally realized it - I'm tired of selling myself short, when it comes to you.

**********************************************

Square pegs and round holes. If I could tell that girl now - I would tell her that it not only applies to romantic relationships, but also friendships.

And there comes a point in time, when we should stop pushing for things that don't fit, with people who don't try to stretch themselves on anything other than their own self-interest. Or to stretch their understanding and perspective of things, beyond the myopic parameters of their own fixed values and limited life experiences.

We all should have good friendships and relationships - but we should focus on people who are worthy of our effort. Don't sell yourself short and over-compensate- if the person looks selfish, most of the time, he is selfish. Actions rarely lie.

As you get older, focus more on the round pegs - regardless of which colour they come in. It promises better returns, on your labour of love.

I'm not cynical - I'm just making the necessary course corrections in life, so that from this year onwards, in both friendships and relationships - I don't come in last, in my own book.