Love and Shanghai Awaiting

Just one more week from now, I will be in Shanghai with (God willing) the future Mrs Stingray and her family. :)

(Before anyone wonders - yes, she is Malaysian - it's a long story)

I won't lie about it - I'm excited as hell! :) Giddy, in fact - am counting the hours! :D


This trip to Shanghai will be meaningful, in more ways than one.

It's a time for us to be together and to plan in detail, for her return to Malaysia soon. And for our future plans, together.

It's a time for me to get to know people, who may become my family members soon.

And as a bonus - it's my first trip to China and I've always been fascinated by the city that has been claimed to be the "New York of The East".

There's much to celebrate and to be thankful for.

Thank you, God.

Despite all the challenges that you've thrown me, in the last few months (and years) - the blessings of love now bestowed upon me, is more than what I could ever expect. She is totally committed and unrelenting in her love - and I'm lucky that she chose me.

See you soon, Mrs Stingray! :) I love you with all my heart.

Why People Hate You

Most of the time, I know why the people who hate me, hate me.

And that's good enough for me.

Not all human beings are meant to get along, not everyone is aligned in values and outlook in life, not everyone's demeanour is well-matched to make them friends - sometimes, they just simply rub other people the wrong way. Or they're just opposed to each other in all the core stuff that matters.

And that's okay too. I tend to stay away from the people I hate - or those who hate me. It's simple.

Although very, very occasionally - I find someone who pretends to like me, but actually hates me.

Who says nice things to my face and puts me down (in major and minor matters) in front of others. A person who calls me "brother" - but treats me like a villain, in secret.

It's even more puzzling to me, when I've thrown some major growth opportunities his way - and have paved the path for him, should he want to grow as a leader of others.

Maybe even throw him a financial lifeline, when he needed one, because I saw his potential - when others did not (and they constantly question me "why did you pick him?" - and I reply "because he has potential that he doesn't yet know about"). But the truth is - potential is just an imagined thing, unless and until it's actually realized.

Someone whom I've been there to witness some of the major moments in life. Someone whom whenever he organized a function, I would make it a point to turn up, to support it.


Why would someone I have treated that well, like that spit in my face (or worse, to my back?) I'm not expecting truckloads of gratitude, but some decency and due respect, would be nice.

Maybe it was something I did - though I wish he would tell me - although I don't remember a single moment, when I've ever wanted to hurt him.

Maybe it's my nature that he hates - but he could at least, tell it to my face, before he tells the rest of the world.

Maybe I should stop giving the benefit of the doubt, to people who tear me to shreds and who attempt to pour sand into my rice bowl.

Because that's not what friendship is - and it's even further from brotherhood.

As a close colleague once remarked "brotherhood is when we build upon each other" - it obviously is a 2-way street - it must be reciprocal.

You can't be friends - with someone who in essence, by the way he treats you - despises you. No matter what your good intentions are.

You know what the sad part is? - even after I clearly know what he's up to, to damage me - I still don't have the heart to retaliate or to sever ties. :(

And that, objectively speaking - makes me a very big fool. An absolute idiot.

I will not deal with you for your actions, brother - but God will.

When Good Sense Prevails

Mr Default has been put in his place by the Council members and perhaps, his egotistical power-crazy ways have been curbed.

I must say that I was quite surprised by Council's decision - I had given up all hope and had almost prepared my resignation letter.

But thank God for The NGO, good sense prevailed - and my faith in the collective wisdom of the Council, is somewhat restored.

I was afraid that the courage to stand up and be fair and just, was lacking, by the majority - after all the seat of the presidency is a powerful seat and to gamble against it, would make someone either brave or foolish.

I was wrong - and I've never been SO glad to be proven wrong, before.

There are moments in life, when you remember why you started on this journey and why you continue fighting the good fight, in the stubborn and obstinant way that you do.

For me, this is certainly one of them. It gives me strength to keep on fighting and to do the right thing.

Might isn't always right. Occasionally, right proves to be far mightier than might.

Staking Everything, Again

Every few corners or so, life throws me a horrid turbulence that challenges me to stake everything I have, on a single belief of doing the right thing.

The first time round, with The Program, I lost everything I had created. I lost my job and a comfortable five-figure salary. I stood on a principle and did not bow, to intimidation or succumb to temptations of promotions offered, in order for me to "sell-out".

It was important not to "sell-out" - at the paramount of my considerations, were the people in the industry we represented - it was an important fight, that must be fought.


I fought the people who had taken away The Program from me, tooth and nail, claws and fangs. Some have paid dearly with the jobs and some, with their reputation.

2+ years later, everything I predicted came true - that The Company would eventually fail, in administering The Program.

The Company had let go of The Program, finally waving the white flag and admitting defeat - deep inside, they knew they had no business taking over The Program - and in fact, under their charge, had brought The Program to its knees. Never ask vultures to take care of a hatchery.

The Program is a mere shadow of what it used to be - as the Malay saying goes "hidup segan, mati tak mahu" and it now lives under the threat of being made irrelevant by a more quantum-driven, market-savvy, albeit inferior, Copycat Program.

Today, The Program has become independent - in all senses of the word. And they are now searching for a new leader. I hope that they will find someone that will drive The Program, to be what it should be.

Maybe then, it would be worth the price of my sacrifice.

****************

Today, I find myself at the same corner - this time with The NGO.

I can see the disaster coming a mile away, under Mr Default.

And in a way, it was my biggest mistake - because I helped put him there. I have found that when it comes to picking leaders (or sometimes, even grooming leaders) more often than not, my choices are wrong. Dead wrong.

Today, Mr Default has not only brought in all the undemocratic values of shutting people out who disagree with him, but he has created an ungentlemanly absolute control environment which attempts to emasculate The Council and The Secretariat. He does it in a cloak of silence, every step of the way.

And for the 2nd time, I find myself risking everything again on point of principle - my job, my salary, my reputation - to fight against the tyranny of one, possibly unwittingly endorsed by the fear of many.


I may lose again - but just like the first time, I know that I'm not wrong in reading the situation. It's just a matter of time, before the collapse sets in.

But I guess the difference is this: the first time round, I (and The Program) was victimized by people whom were not on the same side, as I.

But the second time round, I am victimized by people on the same side of the fence. People who should know better and have a higher sense of responsibility and integrity. People who, like I, represent others - but perhaps, some of them have forgotten.

And this second blow, hurts me greatly. The hurt is perhaps, greater than the first time round.

******************

There is always a price, to believing in something - and more so, when you strictly choose to stand by those beliefs.

And if you choose to stand for something, you must always be prepared to pay the price for it.

The rewards are hardly attractive - a clear conscience, good sleep and the knowledge that you had done your best, to do what's right. No regrets.

And don't forget - the opportunity to lose everything.

It's not everyone's cup of tea, believe me.

If one must climb, it is better to climb a ladder that is leaning against the right wall.

It's not just about climbing - it's also about knowing where the wall and ladder leads, so that you may know where it's going - before you lead others there.

I'm not afraid to put everything on the line again - but some things are worth fighting for, because they bring great benefit to many.

Remember who you are, remember who you represent and remember your responsibilities.

And never break the amanah of the collective, because we're afraid to be impolite to a wayward individual leader.

Leaders: Looking on The Pride Side

The events of the last few days, within The NGO, have been sobering.

It was foreseeable that it would escalate up to this point, but the twist and turn of events, have been nothing short of shocking.

Since my student leader days till today - I've seen many sort of leaders come and go. But the most regular cause of downfall for a leader, is still pride.

Pride which causes them to "smoke their own dope" or believe in their own hype and illusions. And worse, their own truth and facts - and they refuse to listen to (or even consider) another perspective or point of view.

It's true what Saidina Ali once said: "The loneliest of solitude is conceit".

If you'd like to know how fast a leader will fall, measure his ego and compare it to the level of his humility. That should give you an indication - if the former is much higher than the latter - he's on his way down.

Talent and ability alone is never enough. You need also moral and intellectual integrity, humility, hard work, good instincts and a strong sense of responsibility.

You must be confident enough of your own abilities, but always consider the opinion of others and never forget to question or review your own assumptions - at the very least, occasionally, you must entertain the thought that you could be wrong.

If instead, you let pride be your guide - you will find yourself lost, on the wrong side.

The Joy of Good Things

She passed her exams today and she's now a full-fledged surgeon. :)

It's all the more special, because it's been a nerve-wracking day for her and she had a feeling that she was going to fail. There's no sweeter triumph than to be wrong, on that count.

I'm so happy for her and so proud of her - no words come close to describing it. I hear the sheer joy in her voice and I want more of good things for her - because she truly deserves it. Sometimes, good girls do win and can have it all.

And I remember saying a silent prayer - that I hope I deserve her. And if I'm not there yet, may God help me, along every step of the way.

I have no idea why her heart is with me - but I'm counting my blessings, that it is. Neither of us know, how we got here - but we're happy. There's a part of me that's afraid to hope - but certainly not afraid to live through this with her.

These are the moments that one should live for - simple, sincere, reciprocal, giving, uncomplicated and almost to a great extent, unconditional.

It's like we're passengers, in a car with Fate in the driving seat - and enjoying every moment, every shred of joy, of that drive. It's probably better than anything we could have possibly planned, on our own.


InsyaAllah - all will be well.

Emotional Fasting - Ended

The target was for the emotional fasting to last, till after Raya. The bad news is that it won't last that long.

The good news is that I'm in a happy place for now, emotionally and I'm giving up the fast for something that's very promising and holds a lot of potential, for the future.

It's too hard to explain to people - so I shall not. I'll tell everyone after it all sounds a bit more normal.

All you need to know is that I'm happy. Very. :)

It's true what they say - when you least expect it, it creeps up on you.