The Young and Idealistic

There is no people more sure about the answers to life than the young and idealistic.

You may have had the good fortune of bumping into one. They're in their 20's and they're at a stage of life where they know who they are and where they want to be.

They're intelligent and usually academically and/or professionally successful, determined and somewhat angry at how silly a place the world is. They hold in disdain people who have made mistakes or whom are corrupt or people who seem to be fully or partially confused.

They're self-confident (sometimes overtly so) and if left unchecked, it will lead to a myopic evaluation of life, laced with an untempered arrogance which tends to alienate them from others.

They have very little self-doubt and rarely indulge in self-reflection, over their mistakes and weaknesses. Some of them are just purely selfish, seeking out friends only when they have a need to be entertained.

Some of them have had enough experiences that have hurt them in the past and they build up high walls of cynicism and detachment to make sure that those mistakes are not repeated.

They've made up their minds about the world and the people in it and they're preparing themselves not to be what they perceive to be the next casualty or sell-out. They don't think that they'll ever compromise.

They know better and they've got principles - so they think they will never make the same mistakes. They're convinced that they will be better and that the world is a better place for them being in it.

They're convinced that their generation is THE generation that will make the most important changes that the country has ever experienced.

If you were once young and idealistic - you would recognize some of the above traits. You may see it in the mirror and sometimes, you may see it in your family and friends.

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Whenever I talk to young idealists nowadays, I wonder if I've ever sounded like one of them.

So full of energy, confidence and enthusiasm - so unlimited, unfazed and unstoppable in the corners of their own mind. So totally unaware of their own fallibility - so full of an unjustified sense of destiny, by virtue of being highly educated.

And they'll conclude that they did it all on merit and luck had nothing to do with it. They might even conclude that God is talking to them and therefore, how can they be wrong?

One of the simplest conclusions that young people can reach is to conclude that they're better, because they've never or hardly made any big mistakes. Not ones that are obvious to them, anyway.

If you've never made a big mistake, young fellow - good for you. But take my word for this - it does not mean that you're not capable of it.

It just means that you've not yet come to your big mistake - one that you can realize and accept. One that makes you eat humble pie and makes you realize that you're not all that special or great, despite all good intentions and idealism.

But no young idealist likes to be talked down to, because of their age and youth. And I know better, than to try to do so.

Sometimes, the best way to get people to learn is to LET them make their own mistakes. Let them come to their own conclusions, after they've made their own mistakes. Don't rush it - it will come to them, when it's meant to come to them.


It's not that idealism is a bad thing.

It's a very good thing - society would be much poorer in both quantity and quality - if history were absent of young idealists. The civilization of Man itself may not have survived without the ideologies that promote the best of ideals for Man and his society.

But ideals don't exist or live in a vacuum. Ideals, no matter how high or noble - has to live in a context of reality. Because it is within reality, that ideals has to prove its worthiness for constructive change and betterment.

Over time, we realize that the idealistic road is a lonely one. In reality, human beings tend to push each other to conform to the values it holds dear.

One day, you might abandon some of your ideals to get ahead in your career or to increase your wealth.

Or you feel that the damage is worth it, because happiness and success is something that you prize above all else. Or when you feel that it's more important to make a living, than to take a principled stand. Or when you close one eye and remain silent to the corruption of your friends, but still scream out when the same is done by strangers.

Or you might join a political party which operates in a context that you don't really believe in or which values you cannot identify with - because you've been convinced that it's the most pragmatic thing to do. Perhaps, there is comfort in numbers and acceptance by the majority.

Any honest young idealist (that has grown older) would admit to themselves that somewhere along the way - reality had made them compromise - at least, in some areas, if not all. They find they're much lesser, than the people they once thought they were.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating.

You only know how true you are to your ideals when it requires you to pay a price and you would still openly and willingly take a stand, regardless of the consequences and the high price paid for it.

But the realization that most young idealists will come to, is that they're human. And so are other people in this world. And that people falling short of their ideals, is not necessarily a moral crime - that's being human too.

Reality is what tempers our expectations from the spring well of idealism.

Sometimes, not everything you believe in will fit squarely into this world - but you have to realize that an imperfect fit is far better than not attempting to fit it, at all.


And if the young person is still an idealist 10 years after leaving formal education - then in all likelihood, he will realize what's sacred to him and what's not. What are the areas which he has conceded due to pragmatism, compromise and weakness and what are things that has and will continue to remain, inviolable.

Provided he's honest to himself, of course. Arrogance is a dark shadow that clouds many mirrors of self-reflection. It stands in the way of self-improvement - and therefore, yes, idealism too.

If you're completely happy with who you are without the slightest ounce of self-doubt and the occasional self-recrimination - it may mean that you've stagnated, as a person.

But at the end of the day - what's important is that the journey to idealism be continued. Learn to forgive yourself (and others) for falling short and making mistakes and keep on trying.

There can be no lessons without mistakes. The person who has not made (or lacks the self-honesty to acknowledge his own mistakes), is someone who has stopped learning.

He stunts his own journey towards his ideals, if he cannot accept the reality of mistakes, in himself or others. There is a reason why they say, that to forgive is divine.

At the end of the day - it's what you learn from living, that matters - it's not a zero-sum game, where there is absolutely, no latitude for errors.

Our ideals are meant to make us better people, not perfect people. Perfect people cannot possibly change the world, because they simply cannot comprehend mistakes or failures in life. How do you relate to people who have fallen, when you never have?

And perhaps, we can only become better people when we accept and forgive the mistakes and fallibility of Man (without becoming overtly rigid or cynical) and yet still carry on the torch for idealism, while being realistic as to the level of substantive change that we may see within our lifetime.

But don't tell the young idealist that.

There are very few stages in life when one feels so certain, so uncompromising, unique and invulnerable. Every young idealist should go through it and be given the time and space, to mature at their own pace. It's the best way to learn.

Furthermore, they probably won't believe you, if you told them anyway.

They'll just think that you're old, washed out and jaded and simply did not have the moral strength to remain true to your ideals and to remain above it all.

But one day, they will know better (and perhaps, be better)- on their own.

Because if you're perfect in your mind, there is definitely only one way for things to go from there - and that is down.

A Great Reunion

It was one of best the best festival functions I've had, in years. :)

Thank you to Acat and Xena, for being the great co-hosts and core support team for yesterday's great event. And to Zen and AJ too, for selflessly helping out with the cleaning up, thereafter.

I cannot put into words the debt of gratitude I feel, for everyone that has chipped in their efforts in making yesterday's event, a success.

I'm extremely satisfied - close to 90 people turned up (from an expected turnout of 100 people - but most did not make it due to the pouring rain after 4 p.m. - although some, like ZR, Lita, Inas, Ena, Gina and Greeky who gallantly braved the rain anyway), the guests enjoyed the food, friends from all races and all stages of my life were mixing, mingling and laughing in one big happy Malaysian union (and for some others, reunion), there were many, many children of my peers and I realize that with their presence, we've widened the bonds of friendship into their next generation, too.


I'm my mother's child in that sense - I enjoy hosting and entertaining people in a home event.

I love catching up with people, I thrive on crowds and laughter, I love the nostalgia of past years and seeing how they've grown and matured as people (especially my juniors with their lovely children)and I appreciate that after all these years, some of them still value the relationship we have.

I've shared so much history with some of them - some spanning a period of over 24 years. And some, even if much shorter, carries the nond, depth, meaning, intensity and generosity of friendships, that are decades old.

And in particular, the presence of 2 little children - a little girl and a little boy - made my heart glow, even if their mother was conspicuously absent.

The children have been responsible for so much happiness that I've felt and they were there again yesterday - ever-consistent in the their attention and generosity of their love. There is so much that adults can learn from the innocence and simplicity of children, I tell you.

There were some special people and friends who didn't make it to the event, though I wish they had - but yes, there will be other events in the future, InsyaAllah. Kalau panjang umur, tradisi yang baik akan kita lanjutkan.

At one point, I looked around at all the people attending the event and there was an intensely rewarding feeling inside. A quiet little joy; a smile that cannot be helped.

Over the years, I've been lucky - I have made many good friends and acquaintances and the effort to nurture those ties, have not been in vain. And some have unselfishly and repeatedly proven that they'd be there for me - come rain or shine.

Thank you, God - I have been blessed in so many ways - and this is certainly, one of them.

Jumping Into The Fray

I've been toying with an idea in my head, lately.

Maybe it's due to the restlessness of Malaysia in current times. Maybe I'm tired of playing in a small corner of a policy segment in an industry NGO.

Maybe I'm weary of playing spectator on the sidelines and I'm itching to play in a wider and more general space, fighting for bigger things that matter, for now and the future.

Maybe I'm just crazy at entertaining the thought, at all.

Or maybe I'm just unwilling to give up on certain things dear to me, until I've given it my best shot, to salvage it.

I don't know whether I have the temperament for it - but all my life, friends and family have been telling me that I was born for this. It seems to be one of those things I naturally absorb like a sponge. An area that I have so much interest in, yet I'm not in the fray.

And maybe it's just age telling me that I can't use the excuse that I'm too young anymore, to get involved. It seems like the right age to get my feet wet in the arena - I'm more steady and mature and am not likely to get carried away by the tide of mass consensus.

Right age, right time, right motives and perhaps, finally - the right sort of drive to push me in.

But as always, the path I choose has to be strongly aligned to what I believe in. And it's likely to be at least, mildly controversial. I can see my Malay elders frowning already - puzzled at the radical stand, that I might make.

It's a path to nowhere, possibly. I'll be a minority and it's not likely to lead to great power or riches. But I'm not there for that anyway. If I wanted that, I would choose the easy option which 3 million people already have.

But me being me, the popular option has never been appealing nor made much sense to me, most times. It's likely to be a road fraught with difficulties - I'll stick out like a black African in Finland.

And there's a very real chance that I'll be called all sorts of names and insinuations that I have sold out on my own kind, will be made. And of selling an ideology that still too few, understand or accept.

It's not going to be easy. But at least, it will be what I truly believe in.

Sometimes, you've got to be true to who you are, to find out who you can be.

2007 beckons. Decision time is around the corner.

Laungan Sunyi

Dengarkah kau
suara laungan yang sunyi
dibelakang senyum si badut,
terlindung dari zahir
kecewa tangis berdarah tergumpal
selama ini

Dengarkah kau
Pekikan si gila yang amarah
disebalik topeng intelek dan rasional
menyiat daging kelemahan insan,
yang batu, ingin menyamar intan
yang palsu, ingin mereka pertahan

Mungkin jika kau amati dengan mata hatimu,
Akan jelas segala penipuan
Mungkin jika
kau pasang telingamu,
kata bidas lagi pedas
akan menjadi pelita akhlakmu

Dunia ini syurga bagi mereka yang sesat
kata pujangga,
Buta segala-segalanya
mendabik dada, menepuk sorak,
bersawang segala nilai dusta
yang meruntuhkan sesama kita

Dengarkah kau
Jiwaku meronta dizalimi binatang
yang lahirnya manusia,
Memendam pedih duri, mangsa insan duniawi
yang bernafsu tanpa pagar,
tamak rakus menghimpun tanpa memberi

Aku hampa dalam diam paksa
Berakar berumbi dalam kepercayaanku
Tersangkut dalam realiti, yang bingung lagi membingungkan
Sandiwara hipokrit beradab yang berterusan
menenggelamkan laungan jiwa berontak suci
yang nyaring dalam sunyi sepi.


Nukilan:
Stingray
14 November 2006

"Cinta" - A Malaysian Movie Masterpiece

I was one of the fortunate bloggers that came by the opportunity to have a private screening for the media, of Alternate Studio's latest Malaysian film, "Cinta", at 1 Utama yesterday.

This is the 2nd production by Alternate Studio - the first being the film, "Salon". I kept my expectations realistic after that attempt for fear of being disappointed. (Although to be fair, "Salon" did uncover a star in the lovely Chelsia Ng - who now stars in the weekly drama "Realiti")

But comments from some friends and loved ones (who are not typically avid Malay movie aficionados like me)who had seen "Cinta" were definitely positive - which made me look forward to it even more.

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First, let me state that I've always been a supporter of Malay movies and Malay songs. I've never given up on it (despite the challenging years of Yusof Haslam's movies) and I've always believed that if we support the local film industry - eventually, you will see it improve over time.

And before I proceed to my review, let me state this without qualification:

"Cinta" is the BEST Malay movie that I have seen since 1990, at least (and I've seen a LOT of Malay movies).

It is an intelligent movie on so many levels and casting-wise, has the most talented ensemble of actors and actresses assembled, probably not witnessed since the days of the original "Abang" perhaps.

And from a quality, technical, soundtrack, movie-making and entertainment-value perspective - it is far superior to anything you've ever seen from Malaysian movies. It will make you proud of our local movie talent pool.

It is head and shoulders above any of the local fare, I've ever seen - and if any movie is likely to bring back the urban Malay crowds to the cinema - this is THE MOVIE.

It confirms what I've thought all along - that Malaysian moviemakers do have what it takes to make great movies - it's just a matter of putting the right ingredients together.

I repeat, folks - this is the BEST Malaysian movie that I have seen since 1990, at least.

Please make time to go and watch it, tell your friends to go watch it and do justice to the Malaysians who obviously have worked very hard on this beauitful production.

This is MUST-SEE, folks - even if you're typically the sort of Malaysian that would not pay to watch Malaysian movies and would rather wait for it to appear on TV over Raya holidays.

I kid you not - because I don't joke about Malaysian movies. I'm dead serious about the state of our Malaysian moviedom.

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10 stars, 5 love stories inter-linked in 1 story.

At first glance, "Cinta" is very much likened to the runaway British hit "Love Actually". But that's where the similarities stop - "Cinta" is very much in the Malaysian mould.

I'm not going to take the fun away from you by telling you what the stories are all about. I think a part of enjoying "Cinta" will be discovering what the stories are, for yourselves. It'll add to your appreciation of the emotional depth of the movie.


But what makes this movie great, you may ask?

For one, it's got a very strong cast.

The talented Fatimah Abu Bakar makes a welcome comeback to big screen, showing that she's still got the stuff that once made her Malaysia's best actress. Her acting was entirely convincing and effortless, although they could have given her better dialogue.

I've always considered Nanu Baharuddin a strong actress, even in supporting roles like in "Pontianak Harum Sundal Malam".

It's fitting that she's been given the lead role in one of the 5 stories and she played the role of a protective big sister and a woman involved in an affair with a married man, to perfection.

It's not just the script - Nanu's facial and silent expressions show depth of conflicting emotions with an economy of words - which is the true measure of acting talent.

Shidee (Rashidi Ishak) also popularly known to most men as the lucky bloke who married the lovely Vanidah Imran - shows that he's come a long way since his early days in "Mimpi Moon".

I used to think that Shidee was quite stiff in his acting in his earlier days - but over time, he's come into his own now, with a very strong performance as a loving, hopeless romantic but heartbroken husband, whose marriage had disintegrated, due to his wife's affair with another man.

He displayed the range of emotions very well and some of the scenes with his daughter, were truly touching and will reduce some of you, to tears. Especially for those who understand the pain of divorce and the confusion it causes to both adults and children.

Though, I would have liked him to have the chance to express a wider variety of emotions attached to break-ups and divorce - perhaps, anger, resentment and bitterness mixed with a great mixture of eternal love and compassion.

The most promising actor in this movie has to be Que Haidar, who plays Nanu's character's younger brother.

There's a raw and honest intensity to his acting which pulls you in and holds you there - the way strong young drama actors like Christian Bale and Leonardo Di Caprio do. Watch out for this one - given meatier and juicier roles in the future - I think he'll be a star, one day.

As for the other actors - Rahim Razali played to his usual strength, though it's not his most memorable performance - but his screen chemistry with Fatimah Abu Bakar, was heartwarming.

Eizlan Yusuff to me, has always been one of the more underrated actors in Malaysia - I've always liked him since "Perempuan Melayu Terakhir", even though intelligent movies like that would hardly be a success at the box-office.

However, in this movie, I felt that Eizlan was not given the scope to show what he's truly capable of - but it was sufficiently good and entertaining.

Fasha Sandha, to me, has always been better in the Penang-type "Anak Mami" genre movies.

The girl has impeccable comic timing and she always seems comfortable executing lines in loghat utara. I've always found her a bit wanting and mechanical in her range of expressions since her earlier drama attempts like "Berlari Ke Langit" all the way down to her portrayal in "Gong".

But in this movie, Fasha's emotional range in every scene shone through far better than she's ever done, in drama-type movies.

Again, she could have done better if the script, storyline and character development had allowed her to do more - but this is a promising new start for the talented young starlet. Keep it up, Fasha!

And yes, she and Eizlan looked good together - it's a believable pair. Quite sweet, although they would have done better, if the script told us why they fell for each other. One more additional scene, would have done it.

Rita Rudaini exceeded herself too, in her role as Shidee's character's wife. Her expressions of guilt and conflict, were particularly convincing - although they could have given her a bit more to work on.

I personally, would have liked to see more interaction between them as husband and wife and how she relates to her child, in such painful situations, like a divorce.

Sharifah Amani is a strong young actress - but she needs to be given the right roles to excel. People like Yasmin Ahmad knows perfectly what suits her and what doesn't.

Casting-wise, perhaps, there could have been better actresses to hold the role that she played of a naive young girl who came to town, looking for her boyfriend.

She seems too intelligent to play naive - I felt this role was meant for someone whose a bit more raw, "street" and hardened. She also lacked screen chemistry with Pierre Andre - it seemed awkward and not quite believable.

Pierre Andre has improved substantially since his days in "Salon", I feel. I still have a problem with a way he intonates his words - but his strong points are his his emotional depth and wide range of expressions and he's born to play the good guy underdog.

Of the supporting cast, Ngasrizal Ngasri deserves honourable mention. Even with the limited script and number of scenes that had, he was entirely convincing as Amin, Cikgu Elyas's grandson. He's also another underrated drama heavyweight, I feel - those who had seen many of his earlier work and most notably, in "Kaki Bakar" would agree with me.

I saw many of my friends doing cameos in there - Mat Jeb being one of them (although that scene was straight "cut and paste" from "When Harry Met Sally"). Vanida Imran's cameo was welcome too - she's a sight for sore eyes and has a great way of letting her eyes and her smile, do the talking for her.

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Story-wise - of the 5 stories, I felt that "Tulus" or the light drama played by Sharifah and Pierre, is the weakest (which is still pretty strong, considering the quality of this movie). But as a formula in a movie, the story will appeal to the younger set of viewers - who will probably be able to identify with the issues raised.

"Cinta" would have done better with a "more is less" formula, to the stories.

If it only had 4 stories with deeper plot and character development (with the interplay of more characters within it, instead of having more stories), it would have done even better - given the quality of the cast and the acting.

I felt that the directing by Kabir Bhatia was superb - although a few scenes, should have been reshot, to make it more realistic. The editing was mostly smooth and gave a good flow to the story - keeping you anticipating to know what happens next.

The camera,set and lighting angles were brilliant, fresh and diverse - it makes a very big difference to how we perceive a Malaysian movie - where technical elements have always been weak.

For most parts, the music accompaniment in the background behind the dialogue worked in keeping the "effect" fresh and shaping the audience's response to the scene, but there were 1 or 2 scenes where the background music did not suit the scene (probably because it has lyrics and seemed to interfere with the audience's appreciation of the dialogue)

Personally, I felt that Kabir could have squeezed a bit more "substance" from his actors and actresses (as they're a talented lot and capable of a lot more) but overall, the man did a fantastic job.

The script by Mira Mustaffa and Ara was certainly way above average, but there is space for improvement.

For one, the "moral" of each story should be more subtle and interspersed within the dialogue and not recited as a "line" at the end of every shot. (An example of good interspersing is when Fatimah's character, Rubi, told off the bystanders in KL, in a scene involving Cikgu Elyas)

Give the Malaysian audience the space to think and digest for themselves - don't push them what the writer's interpretation is. This is not a fairy tale book.

There were moments when the script fell victim to Hollywood and Malaysian cliches - like romantic dinners, as an expression of love. (Or flowers and diamond rings, for that matter)

It was done twice in the movie - and I felt that it was bit much. It was suitable for the scene involving Eizlan and Fasha, as it was their first date - but for the scene involving Shidee and Rita - one would expect that married couples would have other meaningful ways of expressing love and devotion, other than over a romantic dinner.

And the scene where Eizlan's character held the press conference to me, was unconvincing on its basis and portrayal. That could have been done better - in a story where most of the script, was way above water.

But there were dialogue gems, too - the poignant scene between Shidee and his child, the argument and affectionate scenes between Nanu and Que, the courting scenes between Eizlan and Fasha, the brief but meaningful exchange between Eizlan and Shidee, the few earthy scenes between Ngasrizal and Fatimah Abu Bakar and the scenes which depicted the routine of Cikgu Elyas and the kindness of fellow human beings.

And the music and soundtrack to this movie are amazing - easily rivalling the best of songs, in good Indonesian movies.

It is certainly one element that has long been underestimated in Malaysian movies, one which the Indonesians have long understood before us - the impact of good music in influencing how the audience feels about the movie.


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But overall, minor points and patchiness aside - this is an AMAZING production by Ahmad Puad Onah, Dhojee (I'm proud of you, my friend) and Ara and Alternate Studio.
On a Malaysian movie scale - I'd give this a 8.5 out of 10.

Kudos and well done to all three of you - all of you have raised the benchmark for Malaysian movies. The movie is wholesome, wide-ranging, thought-provoking and very, very "now".

If the rest of the Malaysian moviemakers follow your example - we may yet see the day Malaysian urban audiences, return to the cinemas to watch to Malaysian movies.

To all of you reading this - it's time to revive your faith in Malaysian movies. Yes, especially you urbanites that have long ago given up on Malaysian movies, because of the trauma of Yusof Haslam movies.

"Cinta" opens on 30th November - go with your friends and family, folks!

The Mentor Returns!

My mentor, Dr Saint (not his real name) has returned to Malaysia after successfully completing his Ph.D. after 3 years, in Scotland.

I'm really glad he's back.

This is one examplary man that has taught me that one man with great passion for constructive change, can make a difference for many others out there.

He taught me to believe that it change is possible if one strives for it and that even if one fails in one's crusade - there is no shame in it, as valour is measured by how hard you try, in overcoming the challenges.

He's a semi-retired millionaire who lives a pretty religious-conscious, humble and frugally understated life, despite his wealth. There's nothing ostentatious about Dr Saint - whatever his financial capacity, it has never bothered him to drive a Kancil on the road.

This was the man who in 2001, had asked me 3 times to join The NGO. I refused him the first 2 times and I insisted that he must have seen more in me, than what I was really capable of. I was literally dragged into holding a Council position in The NGO, when he was still the founder President.

And 4 glorious years (up until my retirement from Council in April 2005) in The NGO followed - with so many stories of effort, struggle, passion, sacrifice, courage, persistence, success and failure. Out of these 4 years, The Program was born - a major success for such a young NGO.

It was probably one of those few moments in my involvement in The NGO, when I felt I had justified Dr Saint's faith in me. Although knowing him, it would have been good enough, that I was making the effort to make a difference to others.

I met many good and inspiring people within the industry and some of them, have become not only close comrades in The NGO, but also close friends.

The Go-Getter, The Prince, The IP expert, The Trainer, The Russian, The Handsome Chap, The Management Guru, The Smartcard Woman, The Broadband Guy - they were all amongst the many invisible and dedicated people within The NGO - that have quietly but surely contributed to the development of the industry.

Those were the glory years for The NGO.

It was then run by people who had passion, discipline and commitment - and they were results-oriented. They knew that the position they held was not a privilege - but a responsibility.

Now, it's just a mere shadow of what it used to be. There are hardly any activities held, now - and the ones that are still running are mostly done by the same old horses with the same old packaging, from yesteryears.

And the once great leadership influence The NGO used to wield on policy issues in matter related to the industry, be it in the Government, the universities and the private sector - has now diminished and virtually disappeared, if not for the respect accorded to The Prince, by many.

And even though I've tried to help with the succession planning and I recruited seemingly good people on to the Council, whom I gauged were more technically able and competent than me - but the results and outcome have been quiet disappointing.


And at last night's teh tarik session, I asked Dr Saint why. Why are our efforts in recruiting good successors, such a dismal failure within The NGO?

His answer was simple yet illuminating.

He said to me: "Why did you think I asked you 3 times to join The NGO? It's because you had the one thing that would make The NGO work - Passion."

"No matter how educated, experienced and technically able a person is - he will not do well in The NGO, unless he's passionate about the cause and his responsibilities."


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I owe Dr Saint a huge debt of gratitude, which I cannot possibly repay. Most especially so, for believing in me, long before I believed in myself.

I remember joining my first Council meeting in 2001, trembling at the thought that I may let down the people I represent. This was after all, a national organization and the fate of so many in the industry, depends on our efforts and success.

He had much more confidence in me, that I would do well. Certainly, much more than I did, at that time.

And I'd like to think that my contribution in the 4 years that I was in The NGO, has justified his faith in me.

Be it from a projects, policy, people or succession perspective - I think I've done at least, my fair share to influence and contribute to its past, current and future growth. It's got my fingerprints all over it - though there are probably as many failures, as there have been successes.

There were many sweet successes and memories within my time in The NGO - and I know I owe it to Dr Saint, for sparing me the opportunity to achieve them.

But my mentor's return has caught me in an optimistic mood, again.

There's nothing like the return of an inspiring leader - to motivate good, capable people to believe in the possibility of effecting constructive change, again.

I believe The NGO will benefit from Dr Saint's return - with or without a position, he will be able to make a difference and breathe life back again into The NGO, which is seemingly lifeless now.

Perhaps, the glory days are around the corner again. Perhaps, passion will once again pervade and prevail, within the ranks of The NGO.

God knows it's been missing for too long - and the people who elect us and who we represent, have suffered for it.

Welcome Back, Dr Saint! :)

Of Hearts That Grow

There are times in life, when you'll be surprised by how far your heart can grow.

Tonight, I listened to her talk about her hopes and fears, regarding the love of her life. The woman whom I used to love - or still do, if I'd care to admit it.

She's still riveting - I could listen to her talk all night, I kid you not.

It's a strange mixture of emotions.

On the one hand, I never realized how much I still felt for her, despite the walls I've deliberately put up over time. Make no mistake - there isn't very much that I would not stake or sacrifice for this woman.

On the other, I sincerely and genuinely wished for her happiness with the man that she wants. I truly wanted her to be happy, even if I'm not the lucky man and she's not by my side. In fact, I found myself encouraging her relationship.

And I was surprised that I felt all of these feelings, at the same time.

She's far from perfect, I know - but my emotions seem to recognize no limits or boundaries, when it comes to her.

The heart does grow over time, if you let it. It matures and escapes beyond selfish confines to the limitless ambit of sweet sorrow.

The Corner of the 33rd Birthday and the 300th entry

This is the real 300th entry of my blog.

I wanted to wait for a fine day to write it (I originally targeted to write this in Langkawi on my 33rd birthday - but it's too beautiful a day to spend indoors, blogging) and that day is here.

It was about slightly more than 2 years ago when I started blogging (at that time, the blog was called Living My Dreams). It was the months after Mum passed on - and I had so much to say - there were many things on my mind and in my heart that needed to spill out or risk an emotional collapse.

And for the last 2 years, this blog has been immensely therapeutic to me, as an emotional outlet. It has kept me sane, through a somewhat emotionally turbulent period. And it has filtered cynicism from creeping into my outlook, with the passing of time and age.

What was of great surprise to me, was the many people that have written to me, saying how my writing has helped them clear their thoughts or express what they felt, but could not convey. And some, just simply enjoy reading it - even if I'm a tad repetitive.

All the heartfelt expressions of appreciation and encouragement (and even honest, well-worded criticisms) are very much appreciated. It made me feel like I was not alone. It greatly consoled me that many shared the same sentiments and dilemmas, that I did.

Over the last 2 years, I've had e-mails from over 70 different strangers and comments from over 100 different readers, not counting the unidentified anonymous ones.

I've made many friends and ome of them are now close friends and loyal readers/commenters. Some are just normal friends and others are acquaintances.

Some others have come and gone, like ships in the night - but I do know that they're still reading, because of their occasional comments, in this blog.

Some of my friends (and ex-girlfriends, I suspect ;)) use it as a way of keeping in touch with what's happening in my life, in between their busy work and family schedules. Some prominent readers have even led me to writing for a local daily, the Malay Mail.

I look back at the writings of the last 2 years and the journey has been an emotionally (and sometimes, intellectually) rewarding one. I could chart a growth and maturity progress in some areas, though some other areas still require a lot of work.

But I'm glad that I started blogging and I hope to continue for a long time to come - perhaps, until a time when I don't enjoy it anymore (which will probably not be soon).

Happy belated 2nd birthday to Mimpi Pari (formerly known as Living My Dreams) and my alter ego, Stingray.

And thank you to all whom have been with me, through this amazing journey. I hope you will continue the journey with me.

There's so much more in the future ahead, to be lived and experienced. And I shall continue living my dreams, without retreat or surrender, InsyaAllah.

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The recent solitary break in Langkawi, was a good one. I never realized how much I needed it.

No, there was no great revelation over the break - no great mental or spiritual breakthroughs. I was just more relaxed - I guess not being in KL, helps one achieve internal peace and clarity, to see things for what they truly are.

I reaffirmed in my mind, some of the things I've promised myself before. Nothing worth repeating here - I've said it all before in my previous entries.


But there were some new resolutions.

First, to start living today for today, because tomorrow might never come.

That life's experiences and enjoyment, should never revolve around a future event or outcome, no matter how much I want it. I'm wasting time in wait, for something that may be destined to be out of my reach.


Secondly, to start giving more to people who deserve it.

To the people who have always prized giving, over receiving. To those who have consistently been there for me and have never asked for anything back. To those who have always kept their promises and have not taken me for granted.

To those who value my company and do not treat me like a filler/substitute for the person they really want to spend time with.

And I shall give less, to friends and loved ones who give keep giving lesser and lesser. It's not that my love is conditional - but sometimes, the good things in life must be earned, for you to appreciate it. You only get from life, what you give to it.

And considering what I give to life - I definitely want more, qualitatively. I deserve it - and it's about time that I realize that.

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Sometimes, people do not have enough strength to keep their promises to you.

Bapak (my stepfather) had been a part of my life for 18 years, up until the point Mum passed on in 2004. He has now remarried to another woman (the most insecure witch I've ever met) and in a bid to try to please his wife - has severed all communication ties with my siblings and I.

It hurts when people tell you that they will always be your father and family - and not keep that promise, after your mother passes on.

It makes a lie and falsehood of the familial bond, built up over the years.

So much trust and love that was built up over a period of time. Everything has dissolved into thin air, once he remarried - it's as if the last 18 years never happened to us.

But I forgive him and I wish him all the best with his new wife and family. He's 74 now and I wouldn't wish it on him, to be alone. I know how lonely it can be. And for all it's worth, during the 16 years when he was married to my mother, he treated her well and he loved all of us, like his own.

Though I'm a bit disappointed that even a seemingly great and principled man can't stand up to the wiles and trickery of an elderly woman - but I guess, that's how pragmatic some people can be. Life seems to go on for them - albeit, with little sentimentality or gratitude.

Sometimes, I wonder whether he ever truly loved my Mum (or us) and his love is as transient, as sand in an hourglass.

But it doesn't matter - people come and go. Sometimes, they die on you. And sometimes, they die on themselves.

Good luck, Bapak. And thank you for all the memories, of who you once were.

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I'm looking forward to next year. It's a year of many new starts and beginnings. And InsyaAllah, a more financially rewarding year, too.

Sometimes, you have to wait a while, for good things to happen. You sacrifice instant gratification, status, image and the false trappings of the world.

And you focus on the long-term and build things up, a block at a time. And eventually, over time, you will see a castle in front of you.

Slow and steady. You'll get there.

Life is a little like a bowling game. The reality is that you're not playing against others in the marathon of games - you're playing against yourself. In each game, you're chasing your own perfect game (or near perfect game).

You may be the best player or you may not - but the objective is to constantly improve your own performance, under different lane conditions.

That aside - I'm thinking of a solo holiday trip to India, next year. That's definitely in the pipeline.

I'm feeling calm - and looking forward to the future.

Soul Fasting on Aidilfitri

This is the piece that I wrote for the Malay Mail that appeared on my birthday on Monday, 30th October - which happened to be my 33rd birthday.

I'm reproducing it here for the benefit of Mimpi Pari readers and also because the original version is slightly more flowing than the "butchered and edited" version that Malay Mail produced which I'm unhappy with (Zul, if you're reading this - kindly take note)

I meant to write another piece, as this is my 300th entry on this blog - but I guess that one can wait. :)

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Soul Fasting on Aidilfitri

By Stingray


As Ramadhan approaches its end, the joyous sentiment that surrounds the celebration of Hari Raya Aidilfitri envelopes the local Muslim community.

Aside from Ramadhan’s significance of willpower overcoming daylight hunger and restraining some of our worldly appetites and excesses, the dawn of Syawal marks a significant point for many, as the celebration usually denotes a family reunion or gathering.

The culture of “balik kampong” for Hari Raya Aidilfitri is well entrenched in our country – for most, a Hari Raya without returning to one’s hometown, would simply be a non-starter.

And a part of what usually makes this ritual of returning to one’s hometown or family home meaningful is the homeward visit to one’s parents or grandparents – aside from being reunited with one’s siblings.

Since Mum passed on in 2004, Aidilfitri has not been the same for me. There’s only one thing worse than being yatim piatu – it’s being an old bujang lapok yatim piatu – and this is especially felt during Aidilfitri.


Mum made all the Aidilfitris in my life special.

I remember how she used to rise early on the first Syawal morning to prepare her delicious nasi dagang, ayam rendang, her divine nasi impit and kuah kacang for the family.

How she would fuss over the family house, looking spotlessly clean and elegant to receive visitors and for my infamous annual open houses too.

How she would mock annoyance at my insistence on her helping me out with the tying of my kain sampin – as I would insist that she help me out, because this was Raya ritual for me and if I cared to admit it, it made me feel closer to her.

I never realized it but Mum was the central core that held my siblings and I, together. We were never close on Aidilfitri, it was our love for her that made us converge in the family home, as opposed to my siblings rushing off directly to the homes of their in-laws.

After she passed on, my Aidilfitris have been deafeningly quiet – usually spent alone in my condominium.

My siblings (and their families) have predictably chosen to spend their Aidilfitris with their in-laws, the only form of parents they have left. And I realize that even though the hunger fasting in Ramadhan has ended, the thirst I feel still continues into Syawal.

My solitary welcoming of Syawal (albeit, cushioned by the presence of well-meaning friends) means that my soul is still fasting, hungry and craving – for love, for family, for a place called home and a sense of belonging.

But fasting teaches us to appreciate the things that we tend to take for granted and things that others may have had to do without.

And even though my Aidilfitris are pretty dreary now, it makes me appreciate better, happier Aidilfitris in the past and in future. For who knows better the joy of quenching thirst than the person who can hardly drink?

To all those more fortunate than me, who are celebrating with family members – count your blessings and savour every moment of it.

If not for you – then do it for me.


(*Stingray is a 30-something bachelor who lives in PJ and who occasionally dreams of dating Carmen Soo)