Happiness Defined

Friday prayers 2 days ago was interesting in Kampung Melayu Subang. The topic of the khutbah, was Happiness, both in this world and the next.

I was particularly interested when the khatib quoted a hadith from the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. that said something like: "Happiness in this world to a man, is 4 things - a good wife, good and obedient children, good friends and acquaintances and the ability to make a living in his own country".

I thought it's interesting that it is the simplest things in life, that Prophet had mentioned, that ensures a man's happiness - family, friends and work. It occurred to me that based on that criteria, many in Malaysia would be able to achieve happiness. Theoretically speaking.

I'm about 50% away from there. :) But my time will come soon, God willing. Sometimes, the simplest of things comes the hardest for some people. But we have to be patient - and it helps to know what it is, that we're looking for.

And what better way, than to have it defined, upfront. More things in Life, should be like that. :)

The Limits of Our Possibilities

As a teenager, I spent a lot of time reading self-help and motivation books. While my peers were still in their comic book collection phase, I was drinking in positive words of strength from the likes of Norman Vincent Peale, Dale Carnegie and Denis Waitley. I grew tired of all these books by the time I was 19 - they all seemed to say the same thing.

Looking back, this habit of reading motivation books early on in my life, had a positive impact on me. I really bought into the phrase: "Whatever your mind can perceive and believe, you can achieve". It guided my life and my sense of possibilities.

I was not going to be limited by so-called objective opinions, of what was possible. I refused to conform to the so-called public opinion, of what was achievable and "how things work" in life and in this country.

I've always felt that the biggest barrier to superior achievement in anything, is to listen to people who are average and mediocre - those who refuse to believe in anything, those who are too afraid to strive, those who never makes mistakes, those who cling on to security, those who never push the boundaries, those who shall never find out, the true limits of their potential.

The average and mediocre - the bulk of those who define "objectivity" and what is possible for everyone else - they're the ones who are more than willing to extend the membership of the club. And most people eventually, (whether they like it or not), conform to the (so-called objective) limits of possibilities and enlarge the club membership of the average and mediocre.

Membership of the club, involves everyone adjusting their expectations to the common average.

It's a social programming that has been built upon a gamut of experiences, usually from the collective mistakes of our own and others - our own past, our elders, our families, our friends, our leaders, our religious teachers, people in society, etc. This is the fount of "common wisdom" - the artificial construct of the limitations in our minds, governed objectively by the imposed values of the majority who may not know better than you (or are happier than you, for that matter)

We have to be realistic, they tell us. Happiness is a bonus - contentment however, is far more achievable. Aim for contentment, don't take any risks, be happy with what you have and really, those who are truly blessed are those who can count their blessings and want for no more. Ask for less than what you think you deserve and you won't get disappointed.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained - but at least, you don't get hurt or burnt in the process. And that is one of the core pillars of contentment - don't go beyond your comfort zone, don't fail in the eyes of others and do what is expected of you, by society.

Discontented with your country? Apply a comparison, please - this country is not at war, does not generally suffer from natural catastrophies, does not have a military government, is prospering economically and is the most advanced Islamic nation in the world. Corruption, paralyzing bureaucracy and abuse of power - alah, it happens everywhere-lah. But we are not as corrupt as some of the African countries, say. So, no need to talk so much-lah, they tell us.

You know what I REALLY think? There's no such thing as great men, leaders, achievers, etc. All great men APPEAR to be great, because the large majority of humanity have no sense of possibility, no courage to take risks and persevere, and are always conforming to the common average. There is strength and comfort in numbers, even when the position and direction of the large majority, is questionable.

It reminds me of the time when the former Prime Minister of Great Britain, Baroness Thatcher of Kesteven, spoke at my first graduation ceremony. She related to us an amusing story on weak leadership, supposedly from within the Indian Government. The story went something like this:

"A politician was peering through his window and saw a hundreds of people marching and carrying banners, in protest over some issue. Disconcerted, the politician then said to his aide - "Can you tell me where those people are going? I have to LEAD them there!". :)


Yes, all men are born equal, but eventually, it is the limits within their minds and actions, that determine how unequal (or unhappy) they become. It is the difference/gap between the great and the good, and the average and the mediocre.

The majority will learn to be contentedly lost in great numbers and the minority will blaze their own defining path and fulfillment, with great challenges and in much solitude.

Whatever your choices may be - the limits are all in your mind and that shall make all the difference, really. You can use it either to work for you, or against you in your life.

To run like the wind with a few, or to stand on crutches with the majority, who have forgotten how to walk.

A New Day Begins, Sweety

Something changed when I woke up this morning.

Day Two of Heartbreak. A mixed bag of emotions - love, confusion, resignation, acceptance and forgiveness. The anger has gone, completely. I was calm and collected.

I'm surprised, but glad. I've started to heal. True love, excludes all possibilities of hatred.

There's no reason not to forgive her. There's no reason why we can't remain very good friends. There's no reason why I shouldn't be happy if she's happy, even if the happiness is not derived from me. There's no reason that the great parts in our relationship will not remain eternally, as sweet and lovely memories.

This is the 3rd time in my life that I've been at Heartbreak Hotel and I should be able to handle it better. And I think I am, handling it better.

But thoughts of leaving Malaysian shores to do a Ph.D in New Zealand, is certainly becoming more appealing. Maybe my rezeki is not in matrimony, due to the choices I make in my life. Perhaps those who never settle, never deserve anything. I don't know.

But if I have nothing to look forward to here, why should I not live my life like a Bedouin and see other parts of the world? What else is the money I work so hard, for? I have no parents, no children, no other dependents. I'm a driftwood. If I die tomorrow, my EPF will go to the Government - not that they'd appreciate it.

Was going through an extract of a Kahlil Gibran poem that made me think of her:

"Will you content yourself with the
Affection of one who looks upon Love
As but an entertainer, and declines
To accept him as her master?

Will you accept a heart that loves,
But never yields? And burns, but
Never melts? Will you be at ease
With a soul that quivers before the
Tempest, but never surrenders to it?

Will you accept one as a companion
Who makes not slaves, nor will become
One? Will you own me but not possess
Me, by taking my body and not my heart?

Then here is my hand - grasp it with
Your beautiful hand; and here is my
Body - embrace it with your loving
Arms; and here are my lips -bestow
Upon them a deep and dizzying kiss"


Forgiveness has seeped into my heart. I can feel it. Things will be better between us - the loss of a lover, has brought me a very close friend. I shall stop calling her Ms. Heartbreaker - she's now my muse and valued companion. For a lifetime, I hope.

I shall now call her, Sweety. I think she'd like that. :)

Naive No More, Girl

Today, I grew up and I grew old. All at once.

The reply came from Ms. Heartbreaker - even before she left the Pangkor Laut shores via SMS no less. She's decided to NOT be with me - and to stay on, with Lucky Bloke. As much as I tried to prepare myself for it, the pain seared through me like shards of broken glass, dragged through my heart.

Almost everyone I know, has told me to grow up, at one time or another. They told me to be pragmatic, and to be less idealistic. They told me that people around me will sometimes be pragmatic or may not be as honest, upfront and sincere. They told me that I could be played for a fool - and I was - repeatedly.

I didn't listen. I'm a born optimist - I believe in the goodness of human nature. I believe in the best, they have to offer. I believe that people can strive, fight and triumph for things they believe in. And fight for the things they love - and for the things that matter.

I'm naive. And perhaps, it's time to grow up. Even if it kills the best in me. I can't help it - the pain is too much to bear.

The next time someone tells you "I love you", don't believe her. Not until she shows you, the sincerity and courage, to ACT on that love. One line from the film "Princess Diaries" goes: "The brave may not live forever, but the cautious never live". Touche'.

And if I may add, those who lie to themselves and others, on what they feel, are as good, as dead. Thank you for the lesson, Ms. Heartbreaker. :(

Take another bow - you not only had me convinced, but I think you had YOU, convinced too - that what you're doing now, is correct. The lessons, the scars and the broken dreams, will remain with me forever - thank you for inflicting them. Your kind affection, seems to know no boundaries.

Cynics - 1, Stingray - 0. Game Over.

A Little Heartbreak Prayer

Ms. Heartbreaker told me that if I didn't receive any calls from her, when she's in Pangkor Laut, it would be indicative of her reply to my proposal.

2 out of 5 days - still no calls, so far. It's ominous - I really should read between the lines. :( I should stop fooling myself, thinking that I'm more important to her, than I really am. After all, women are very pragmatic creatures - despite their romantic pretences.

But it's SO hard - because I don't understand how actions can perhaps, deviate from words of affection, so lovingly spoken, just the day before. But maybe I'm just "out of sight, out of mind" for her.

The road ahead without her, seems dark and endless. It was quite obvious, that I was going to suffer for my leap of faith, this time. But I couldn't help myself - I was happier with her (despite all obstacles) than I've been in so many years. It's been too long since I looked forward to someone, every day of my life.

What's even more disturbing is that this time, I really feel that I have no one talk to, on this. Most of my closest friends had either disapproved of this pursuit and are almost trigger-happy to say "I told you SO!". They told me, that this would probably lead to heartbreak.

So, here I am. A strong person admired by many, whose only outlet, is to a blog. Wonderful. Just wonderful. :(

And of course, I have Neruda as an ointment for the scarred soul. There are times when his words speak my thoughts and feelings. Like the following passage:


"Don't go far off, not even for a day, because -
because - I don't know how to say it, a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment, you'll have gone so far
I'll wonder mazily over the earth, asking
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?"



Dear God, please give me her lifetime or give me the strength to survive her loss, for a lifetime. I plead for your Mercy and Compassion - for I have given it my ALL. And this pain may break me, permanently.

Dear God, hear my pleas and prepare me the light, at the end of the dark, silent tunnel. For I am totally alone on this, without You.

"Closer" - When Art Imitates Life

What do you get when you mix 4 gorgeous and talented actors/actresses, with a compelling script in a love story that makes no pretense of being anything else, other than reality?

A damn good movie. I kid you not.

I watched "Closer" for the good part of the early evening - the movie starred Jude Law, Julia Roberts, Natalie Portman and Clive Owen. What an amazing movie!

I shall not give away much of the storyline for those of you who haven't watched it. (well, I'll try!;))

Suffice to say, that the movie makes you question your assumptions about love, lust, honesty and lies. Of moral lines which are proper (or improper) to cross, about feelings that are too pure to resist, of missed opportunities and compromises not made in the nick of time. Of the ends, never justifying the means.

What was interesting, was that the movie did not moralize. None of the characters were portrayed, to be without flaws - in fact, all of them showed the potential of being as weak and wretched, as mere mortals can be. The script, was as lifelike as can be - curt, crisp, biting, bitter, childish and sometimes, downright vulgar. It was REAL.

The end was a bit cliched - the good guy (relatively) won, but you had problems rooting for him, as he played a bastard of a role, in having his sweet revenge served cold. But what was refreshing (and disturbing, both) was that there as no happy ending - there were only tolerable ones, at best.

In one classic scene between Law and Owen, Owen pointed out why Law's character would always fail at love - "You don't understand love, because you don't understand compromise."

How true. Mortals are not perfect - there shall be moments of weakness and compromise is an essential companion to love. Compromise and respect, is what makes love mature. It's what grounds the passionate nature of love and keep the flames of love from harmfully burning and engulfing both the lover, and the loved one.

The movie was so multi-layered that each person watching it, would have a different take-home on the moral of the story. A few particular ones stood out, for me.

That those chasing true love, must be willing to pay the price. That there is always a price of pursuing your heart's desire and not pursuing it - you pay both ways. The only determinant is, the price you're brave enough and willing to pay. That how you conduct yourself in love and life, is equally important.

And the last point - that in our lives, there will be points and crossroads, when things can be put right. It's when we ignore the opportunities to make them right at the crossroads - will the future ensure, that we pay the consequences. Regrets are usually aplenty, at opportunities missed.

And when we pass over the crossroads which are timely and suitable, we are only left with the ones that are not. And at that point, one's decision must be based on more than just love - though certain moral borders, should never be crossed. By then, crossing it, even in the name of love - would make us less than human.

"Sesal dahulu pendapatan, sesal kemudian, tiada gunanya". Malay peribahasa is so full of wisdom, I tell you. There seems to be one for every situation, if we think about it.

May we all have the insight, feelings and wisdom to make the right decisions, at the right point in our lives - both in love and life. For every moment that we have is precious - it could be a turning point.

Neruda at Night

Ms. Heartbreaker has left for a holiday in Pangkor Laut for 5 days.

Upon her return, she will tell me if her future is with me or with bloody Lucky Bloke. These will be the longest 5 days of my life. :(

Meanwhile, I was flipping through some of Neruda's love sonnets and an old favourite hopped out at me:

"When I die, I want your hands on my eyes;
I want the light and wheat of your beloved hands
to pass their freshness over me once more:
I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny

I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep.
I want your ears to still hear the wind, I want you
to sniff the wind's aroma that we loved together,
to continue to walk on the sand we walk on.

I want what I love to continue to live,
and you whom I love and sang above everything else
to continue to flourish, full flowered:

so that you can reach everything my love directs you to,
so that my shadow can travel along in your hair,
so that everything can learn the reason for my song."

Ms. Heartbreaker, if you're reading this from Pangkor Laut - please know that I love you - and I feel half-alive without your presence, beside me. Come home to me, sayang.

The Fall of the Young Ones

Today, I had it on very good authority that one of the Chosen Ones amongst the young leaders in this country, has sold out on his principles.

Like many others before him, he has started "giving out contracts" to his bunch of supporters, mainly non-Malays outside the party. There are things out there which look like "open tenders" but are not. It's all been pre-arranged and the open tender is just another sandiwara.

From a political strategy perspective, it makes sense. He wanted to build a strong support base, which did not have to depend on those within the party.

I feel naive again. He's one of the people amongst my peers who had the potential of going very far in his political career - perhaps, all the way to the top. And for a while, he looked like he was intent on doing it the "clean way" and regularly harped on integrity and reform issues within the party. After all, he had the option that many others did not, for political survival - strong family connections within the Government and the party.

I wonder whether his family knows. I wonder whether the patriarch of the family would be disappointed if he knew.

Perhaps within the party, integrity is just a relative word and most accurately describes the good people, who never make it very far. Or have to settle for party or Government positions, which are way below their capability or potential.

The question is: when even the Chosen Ones of the younger generation in the party have started to sell out on their principles, what is the chance that there will be a generational change, for the better? What if it changes for the worse?

One party senior I spoke to said this, "The younger ones in the party nowadays are even worse - more greedy, less virtuous, less calibre and with no sense of community above self." And this came from someone who was in the party since the Mahathir/Anwar golden days - when the election system was awash with money politics.

I worry more, for Malaysia today. Seems that even the most powerful of the young ones, are not spared the corrosive corruption within the party. What is to become of us, if we keep selling out on our nation?

Perhaps, what this country needs is a major crisis - to snap them out from this corruptive labyrinth. The system seems impregnable - hardly anyone in the party has managed to remain clean, for long.

Everyday, a Ph.D in New Zealand feels more appealing. So, this is what it feels like to feel old and weary. No wonder the old act like they do. Sometimes, it's hard to hope when there is very little, to latch your hope on to.

2005 Beckons!

It's 2005 already. How time flies.

Not that I'm complaining. Both 2003 and 2004 had been emotionally draining - I'm glad to see both years go. Will 2005 hold the promise of brighter things? Hope so.

I'm now officially out of The Program. It was sad to leave, but it was something that had to be done. A 3-month break beckons, before Even Bigger Program begins. Time for self-discovery, self-introspection and improvement. It's been a while since I've traveled and it would be good to see Life, from a fresh perspective. I'm jaded with life - a bit exhausted.

First on the list, is a trip to Lake Pedu on the 9th of January, followed by a holiday-cum-wedding project in Sarawak, between the 13th to 16th. In February, a trip to South Africa for a conference-cum-break and the same in Australia, in early March. It's going to be eventful.

Renovating and moving into my own condo in February, too. Have already started on books on interior decorating and am really excited to decorate the new pad. I hope I'm not a disaster, at it. :) And then, there's the salsa classes in Q-Bar, trips to the gym and my long-lost dream of beginning on my first theatre script.

A close friend told me today, that her objective in 2005, is to be happy. Sounds reasonable enough a request. Although 2005 didn't get off to such a good start with Ms. Heartbreak's departure, I hope that I can do the same, for this year.

Resolutions? I don't believe in it. Have an easier time keeping to it, when I don't list it down. But I know what needs improving in my life - it's just a matter of sparing the time for it.

May God bless my 2005!

Coping when she's gone

Today, Ms. Heartbreaker said the words, "I Love You" to me. I should be ecstatic, but ironically, the happy ending will not be coming my way. She will be marrying someone else. Someone who has lost the passion for her, believe it or not.

I could never understand her reasons, but I have to accept it. It comes from a perspective, which I could never understand. But I don't have a choice in the matter. It's her life and she's perfectly entitled to live it, the way she wants. Even when it looks like an impending disaster, waiting to happen.

It's amazing how happy this girl has made me in the time that she's been in my life.

I love everything about her - her beautiful eyes, her lovely smile, her familiar warmth, her sharp wit, her eclectic style, her random thoughtfulness, her understated confidence, her expressions of affection, her devotion to the people she cares about and how comfortable she makes me feel, whenever we're together. It's like 2 pieces of a puzzle that perfectly fits and completes the jigsaw picture.

I've waited so long, to feel like this again. Too long. And this time, I was hoping that I would be 3rd time lucky, in 16 years. Wrong again.

We've at least managed to retain the friendship, though I can't imagine that it'd be easy bumping into her with Lucky Bloke, at future functions or clubs in town. Been there, done that, with Ms. Fickle. Feels like open heart surgery, while you're awake.

But there are the good times, and the sweet memories.

The flirtatious bantering, the engrossing dinner conversations, the talks at her office cubicle, the long and riveting phone conversations, her expression of absolute delight when I sent her a lovely bouquet of flowers, the compelling magnetism to one another, the long delicious kisses and the adorable way she falls soundly asleep, on my shoulders.

The way she endearingly and repeatedly calls my name, with that alluring voice - like she loved the sound of it. The hypnotic silence when we're holding each other close - almost as if, time itself had stopped to observe us. And her intoxicating scent that I crave for, after she leaves. I looked forward to every day, and every moment with her.

I felt completely alive. Every day with her, was another gift. My life was more complete with her presence and correspondingly, more empty without it.

It reminds me of what Carrie Bradshaw had said in the final episode of "Sex and the City" to her boyfriend whom always prioritised his art career first - "I am looking for LOVE - inconvenient, adventurous and all-consuming love". Sounds about right.

You can't always control or understand the conclusions in Life. But you can cherish what little joy, that comes your way.

I'm trying to comprehend that in my 30's - that Life may be no more than a series of significant events, strung together - where how you live during the moments in the journey, may be more important than the destination. Perhaps, there is no grand plan for one's life, that makes sense of everything - perhaps, it's all about the crucial decisions you make in each of those moments.

Ms. Heartbreaker, if you ever find the courage to love me and you need to do a U-turn, there will always be a light on for you, in this cold empty home. And a heart, that's more than willing to give its all and to make you a happy wife, mother and soulmate. I promise.