The One True Thing

Caught a movie on Astro just now called The One True Thing. It starred a great cast consisting of the evergreen Meryl Streep, the versatile Renee Zellweger and the drama heavyweight, William Hurt.

Meryl Streep played a mother that was dying of cancer in a family that's torn apart by internal conflicts, especially with the patriarch of the family.

In one poignant scene, where she was explaining to the daughter (played by Zellweger) of her knowledge of the husband's extra-marital affairs, she said:

" Life can be so good if we choose to be happy and love the people that we have, as opposed to people we imagine, we deserve."

What a powerful line. Makes you think.

I suppose all of us have crossed this point, at least once, in our lives. When you were there, which way did YOU decide to go?

A Reason for Faith

Had an interesting discussion with Sunita today, on our long drive back from a meeting in Putrajaya.

She was relating to me the reason for her deciding to get to know her religion better - in this case, Christianity. There was a point in her life when she didn't stop partying and spent relatively little time being sober.

And then, suddenly, she turned her focus to religion. Being curious, I asked her why. Her words made me think. According to Sunita:

"Unlike most people, I don't expect God to be there to give me things that I ask for. A lot of people think that if they're religious, God will give them what they want - that it is the function of God, to give them what they want in this world.

And when God doesn't give them that what they wish for, they ask why they've been tested, when they have been such devout followers. They think that what they want may be best for them and that God would naturally agree with them and not know any better on what's best for them.

God, to me, is a submission to a Higher Power. When you pray, you ask him for the strength to cope and survive the challenges in life and the wisdom to make the right decisions. When you submit to a Higher Power, life becomes a lot easier to cope with - faith helps you overcome your struggles in understanding and accepting Life."

I'm at the crossroads myself right now, where Sunita was - I'm so drained at 30, that I feel the need to submit to a Higher Power. And to believe and to accept. The human capacity for surviving challenges, grief, unhappiness and disappointments is limited - unless you can tap on the reservoir of strength, that faith in God can give you.

I can feel myself getting closer to submission to Him - not because I have to, but because I want to. May God help light my path to becoming a better Muslim.

Josh is getting married to Ms. Prim!

3 nights ago, my best friend, Josh, proposed to Ms. Prim. And she accepted. And they did the "mat-salleh" style of engagement - sarung cincin with no ceremonies. :)

Josh's mum was elated and Josh's dad, although apprehensive about how fast the relationship had progressed, adored Ms. Prim.

Josh has never looked happier and calmer in his life. And Ms. Prim felt that she was lucky to have given him the benefit of the doubt - she found and shaped the man of her dreams, from a man she usually wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

They're so in love, it's sticky. Eeeewwwww.

Went around with them yesterday, checking out the community halls for them to hold their wedding reception. They look good together, holding hands and making plans.

Sometimes, the good guys do win - the 2nd time around. :) Let's hope Josh's luck rubs off on me.

Mistakes, Regrets and Corrections

I was at BK's wedding tonight at KL Hilton. BK is one of our guys on The Program and he was gracious enough to invite the guys in the Program, to his wedding.

It was a grand wedding. The hall of 700-strong was beautifully decorated, the background music arrangement was exquisite with an eclectic blend of jazz and sentimental music and the candid photos taken during the wedding was simply awesome - fleshing out the joy by the bride and groom and their respective families, without being pretentiously static and poser-woser. The colours in the photos seem realistically alive.

BK kept it real too, with a moving speech that waxed lyrical how he felt about his wife. His speech was not polished by any measure, but it sparkled with the glitter of "from the heart" sincerity. He adored his wife and he was feeling like the most fortunate person in the world - and he wanted everyone in the Grand Ballroom, to know so.

I couldn't help but reflect over on my own wedding, not too long ago. There was a time when I was just like BK. When I meant every word I said, about my ex-wife. When I did feel, like I was the luckiest man in the world - I had everything that one would want from a picture-perfect marriage. She was beautiful, highly intelligent, pleasant and totally family-oriented.

I wasn't faking the feelings. It was real to me, as real as night and day. But yet, my feelings changed or perhaps, as I discovered later, not as real as I thought and felt them to be. Perhaps, I forced the belief, because I desperately wanted to move on with my life and to be happy. And to make Mum happy too, to a large extent.

All the signs were there. Close friends had advised me against jumping into the marriage, but I didn't listen. I was convinced that this was the path to happiness and I was not going to let other people instill doubts in me and derail me from my chosen path. Furthermore, I was drained and tired of being miserable, stuck in the endless stasis of single life.

I was wrong. I was badly wrong. And the great price was my marriage and my ex-wife's broken heart.

It was the right decision - 15 months later, I still have no doubts. It was a correction that had to be done. If I didn't do it now, it would have happened when a child had come along and I would hate myself for it, even more. I took the lesser of two evils.

There are some scars in life that does not heal, ever.

I can't possibly reverse the damage of the divorce - I've deeply hurt my ex-wife and her family too (not to mention Mum was heartbroken when she was still alive) and I've made her a divorcee. It was not where she wanted to be. It was not something that was within her control. And she had no choice, but to accept it.

Even if one day comes when she moves on with her life and marries someone else (which I hope will be soon), the guilt will always be there. The moral debt to her and her family will be eternal. My error in judgment had costs so many, so much. And for at least one person, too much.

I hope one day and at the next time, when I'm giving the wedding speech, that I know that I mean what I've said. I don't ever want to be that wrong again. NEVER.

There was a warm round of applause after BK's dedication speech, to his new wife. He's been with Mel for at least 7 years and he was marrying the love of his life. I was happy for him.

Whoever the next person is, God - please let me know with full certainty what I really feel and spare me, from hurting anyone else. Especially my loved ones.

There are just some mistakes, regrets and corrections in life, which one never gets over. And one may have to carry the weight on the conscience, for one's lifetime. And hopefully, it makes you a better man than you were. There isn't a day that I don't wonder to myself how things would have been, if I had actually not made the mistake.:( Not a single day.

Ivan's chasing his Dream

Had supper with Ivan, Jamil and Ali last night. It was almost like sahur all over again, really, considering that we were out there till about 3 a.m. in the morning.

Ivan just had a new baby named Haliq, a healthy 8-pound baby boy. Ivan's been one of the luckiest of the Regent's Ville boys - happily married with a great understanding wife and 2 kids, good career in logistics where he's paid handsomely, a good close-knit family and good friends.

But at the root of it, he was unhappy. 9 years of doing logistics had drained him - admittedly, supply chain management is not one of these things that get easier with time. Something is always bound to go wrong with the human factor and almost always, this would cause Ivan to get calls as late as 3 - 5 a.m. in the mornings.

I was amazed at Marsha's patience at the nature of his work. It can't be easy for her as a wife and mother - they hardly see him, even on weekends.

Ivan's dream is to be a sports commentator, in particular, a commentator on soccer games. That's been his lifelong dream. He's been wanting to make the leap for years now - but the fear of affecting his family financially, has held him back, from making that one crucial decision.

But he's at the brink now. He can't take his job anymore and he's about to leave, to pursue his dreams. Marsha has been very supportive of him - she remarked to him that they had the capacity for him to take that risk - the house is paid for, they have virtually no debts and they lead a frugal life, that's not status-conscious. And the family would love to see more of him.

Ivan made a pledge to us, at the warung last night that he's not gonna just talk about it anymore. He's gonna act on it. I'm so proud of him.

Go for it, Ivan! :) You're an inspiration to those who have always wanted to, but never dared. You only live once and while we're still here on God's great earth - we shouldn't be afraid to live our dreams.

Life's too short to be afraid. I think it was Plato that once said that "he who has conquered fear, has conquered failure." Such is the value of courage.

Vanilla Sky

There's a phrase which Tom Cruise's character had said to Penelope Cruz in the film "Vanilla Sky" - "Every minute is another opportunity to turn things around".

I found out how true this was at brunch, with ZR today. There was a time when the conversation that we had this morning would have seemed unlikely, but sometimes in life, you get second chances to rebuild a good friendship and start all over again. Trust will take time for him, I suppose, but like all good things in the world, it has to be earned - in this case, re-earned.

And I think it will be better, this time round. After all, he's seen the worst that I could do, in his eyes. Anything after this, can only get better.

Thank you, God, for second chances and the forgiveness that you insert in the hearts of men. Your mercy is without limits.

The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

A conversation between 2 stuffed toys, a rabbit and a hobbyhorse:-

"What is REAL?", asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you're made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real, you don't mind being hurt."


It's amazing what you can learn about life from a couple of stuffed toys. Aren't children's' books wonderful? :)

Mum's Kuah Kacang

The first day of Raya without Mum was hard. But I survived it.

I woke up extra early this morning, just to catch Raya prayers. Walked with my step-father, Bapak, and my step uncle, Pak Ali, to the Regent's Ville mosque. The dome of the mosque gleamed in the morning sunlight, like a monument from the Lord of the Rings.

It's hard to believe that the place where they built the mosque used to be an abandoned skating rink, where I grew up playing football, for at least 8 years of my life. There's a part of me that would like to believe that our teenage football team brought good luck to that abandoned piece of land.

Yeah, right.

Something odd happened before the Raya prayers this year, though.

Datuk Zed, a former senior civil servant who had never quite let go of the fact that he's not in power anymore, started giving a speech about how to strengthen the Muslim economy and how Regent's Ville folks should show solidarity and buy from the Kedai Koperasi set up by the mosque committee.

Forget the fact that the Koperasi's range of products is poor, not competitively priced and handled by shopkeepers, who can't spell the word service. Nope - according to Dato' Zed, if you're not buying from the Koperasi, you're not helping to strengthen the Muslim community in Regent's Ville. He even used scare tactics about how the likes of Suqiu will take over the country, unless the Muslim community stands together.

What hogwash. Thank God the speech ended after 30 minutes and Raya prayers began. This was not the time and place for politically-slanted talk. It was ruining the pagi Raya mood.

Met some old friends and some friends of the family too. Raya is always a great time for a reunion and catching up with people you haven't seen for a while. Mum's friends expressed how different the morning felt without her presence at the mosque. I suppressed a tear, from trickling out. Must put up a strong front. But then again, all these women have known me, since I was but a toddler. They could see right through me. I wasn't fooling anyone.

I walked home with Pak Ali from the mosque. Bapak did his usual pagi Raya routine of going to the Imam's house first, along with a whole bunch of golden-agers. I dreaded the feeling I was gonna get at home, though not knowing exactly what it would be. Would I feel Mum's loss greatly?

One major difference was that Mum's fantastic kuah kacang nasi impit and her landmark nasi dagang was not gonna be home waiting for me, as in previous years. I felt a lump in my throat - this is gonna be bad. It's so different without her, in our lives.

As I sat down at the family dining table, I took the nasi impit and scooped the kuah kacang which looked amazingly, just like the one that Mum used to prepare. I couldn't help thinking; could Kak have learnt up the recipe before the old lady had passed on?

I tasted it and savoured the sweetness of the kuah kacang. It was exactly the same!

As if to pre-empt my question, Kak said, "Mum prepared that before she was hospitalised in August. She wanted to make sure that we could taste her kuah kacang on pagi Raya. She prepared that when she could hardly walk".

A few tears streaked down my cheeks. I was tasting Mum's kuah kacang on pagi Raya - close to 3 months, after her death. Maybe she wasn't with us this morning - but the labour of her love for us, was.

I love you, Mum. May God bless your beautiful soul. Al-fatihah.

Malays without Malay Culture?

One of the things that tick me off most in Malaysia, are Malays that think they're more Malay than others, but have no valid reason to believe so. On top of that, they would gladly share with others, the fact that they think the other person is "kurang Melayu" - because we express ourselves in English.

They think that they're more Malay than others simply because they speak in Malay most of the time or they belong to a certain party that asserts their Malayness or they have the "Melayu comes first" mentality. Or they come from a Malay village or an all-Malay boarding school.

And sometimes, it's about the constitutional definition in Malaysia. If being Muslim is a pre-requisite to being Malay, then the more religious you are, the more Malay you become. Or so they think.

In my "baby boom" generation, (those born between 1967 and 1978), there's so many of them who think like this. They are Malays purely by assertion, not by knowledge of their history or leaders, or their appreciation of their music, culture and literature.

Most of the "baby boom" generation only know Dr. Mahathir and Pak Lah, and very little of those that preceded them, like the quiet genius of Tun Razak. Tun Razak was the one who assembled the young leaders in the Malay Forum (average age: mid 30's) to discuss the implementation of the NEP and of issues affecting Malay and national development.

Some names from the reservoir of thought leaders from Tun Razak's time are still with us today: Dr. M, Pak Lah, Anwar Ibrahim, Tan Sri Musa Hitam, Tun Daim Zainuddin, Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah, Dato' Shahrir Samad, Dato' Seri Rafidah Aziz, Prof. Diraja Ungku Aziz, Professor Syed Hussein Alattas, Tan Sri Abdullah Ahmad, etc.

Some have left us but have certainly left their mark on the system: Tun Dr Ismail Abdul Rahman, Tun Hussein Onn, Raja Tun Mohar Raja Badiozaman, Syed Jaafar Albar, Tan Sri Harun Hashim, Tun Ismail Ali, Tan Sri Ghazali Shafie and a few others.

Many of those who assert their Malayness have not really read Usman Awang or A. Samad Said, Baha Zain or the thoughts of Zaa'ba or Rustam Sani, in literarature or political science.

Aside from the works of P. Ramlee, they hardly have any appreciation for the cinematic works of U-Wei Ashaari, Shuhaimi Baba, Mahadi. J. Murat, Aziz M. Osman, Othman Hafsham or the acting skills of Abu Bakar Omar, Meor Hashim Manap, Khatijah Tan, the late Mahmud June, Rahim Razali, Azean Irdawaty, Noorkumalasari, Ahmad Tarmimi Siregar, Sidi Oraza, Eman Manan, Khalid Salleh, Ellie Suryati Omar or Rosyam Noor.

Nor would they spend on the singing skills of former song queen Salamiah Hassan, Ramli Sarip, Ella, Jay Jay, Ziana Zain, Zainal Abidin, Anuar Zain, Shafinaz, the late Sudirman, Hazami, Tan Sri S.M. Salim, Nuraniza Idris and of course, the divine Siti Nurhaliza. The excuse: Radio ada, buat apa beli? Before they pick up their copy of Coldplay's new album.

Most of them don't even watch Malay movies! Unless it comes out for free on Astro during Raya. God forbid that we start paying to go watch Malay movies, just to distinguish the good ones from the bad ones. But we can buy a DVD copy of Kill Bill, of course.

Malayness has to go beyond just language, politics and special privileges. It means nothing without the context of history, culture, literature, movies, theatre and music. Without all these things, the assertion of Malayness rings hollow and you will have nothing to pass on to the next generation.

Nothing, but potential bigotry, prejudice and crutches (for the non-deserving), which will hold back the Malay race.

And our Malay teenagers dressed like Usher, Beyonce and Eminem with Malay parents who are middle-class professionals asserting their Malayness and expressing themselves equally badly, in both formal English and Malay.

Isi Melayunya mana? Can we go beyond assertion of rights?

Veer Zaara - Another Yash Raj Hit!

Last night, I watched the latest Hindi movie to hit town. It's called Veer Zaara and it stars Shah Rukh Khan, the aptly-named Preity Zinta and the sublime Rani Mukherjee. Any film made by Yash Raj promises to be a huge hit with great storylines, a strong family motif and message behind the story, powerful acting and a soundtrack full of memorable and catchy songs.

Yes, I'm a 30+ Malay male that's into Hindi movies. Believe it. I blame it on Mum and all those Hindi movies they used to show on RTM2, on Friday afternoons.

We used to watch the Hindi films together, usually while Mum was peeling onions. (I usually can't tell whether her tears are caused by the onion peeling or the tear-jerker Hindi flick). It was one of the few activities that we did together that could be considered a "family bonding" session, since conversation never figured much in our lives.

Back to Veer Zaara. Shah Rukh Khan once again showed why he's the most versatile actor in Bollywood, playing the character of Squadron Leader Veer Pratap Singh from India. I never knew he could play middle-aged characters, but Shah Rukh once again pushed the limits on his acting.

One would have thought that he could not do any better after Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham and Kaal Ho Na Ho, but he did!

Preity played the role of Zaara Hayaat Khan convincingly, flawlessly displaying the internal conflict of having to choose between love and family obligations.

And my favourite Hindi actress, the babelicious Rani Mukherjee, played a rookie lawyer whose fighting hard to get Veer released from wrongful imprisonment for 22 years. Rani shows the same sort of versatility as Shah Rukh, showing that she plays a supporting role with as much intensity, as the roles she usually gets, of the female romantic lead actress.

Also welcome were the supporting roles played by Amitabh Bachchan and Hema Malini, as Veer's parents. Even at their age, they're still showing that quality acting can still steal the show, from the younger ones. The chemistry that they had together came from years of acting together - the comfort level shows.

And the songs,...not as great as Kabhi Kushi but certainly the lyrics were far more meaningful and aligned to the storyline. Veer Zaara is a truly engaging movie - certainly one for the home DVD collection of the Hindi connoisseur.

Somewhere, in the next few blogs - my commentary on Malay movies! :) (Well, someone has to be untypical in this world, right?)

Josh's New Girl

Josh, my best friend has got a new girlfriend recently. And he's a remarkably changed man now. For the better I must say.

I've known Josh for 21 years now, ever since our primary school days. It's hard to find a friend that one has known for that long, but growing up in Regent's Ville, helps in making lifelong friends.

Josh has not changed that much since I first knew him. He's a complete gentleman, sincere, funny, forgiving and extremely loyal to his loved ones. He's seen me through pretty much most of the darkest days, in the last few years. He used to be much more of a liberal, with a taste for the occasional Bacardi and Jack Daniels, but dating Ms. Prim has changed him completely.

Nowadays, Josh keeps to his daily prayers and even makes it a point, to catch tarawih every night of the fasting month. Ms. Prim has been a good influence on him.

But Josh deserves to be happy. Divorced from a marriage where his wife cheated on him twice, he's been lucky to restart his life on a clean slate, with a girl that's truly mother's pride material. And no one deserves to be happy, like Josh does.

Sometimes, Fate gives you the opprotunity to make that crucial u-turn for a better life and for you to become a better person. And you should grasp it with both hands and not let go. And I see Josh doing just that - turning a disaster into a blessing.

All the best, Josh. I hope you'll be happy forever, with Ms. Prim. :)

Coelho's reminder on the Present

Something beautiful from Paulo Coelho in The Alchemist:

"The secret lies in the present
- if you pay attention to the present,
you will be able to improve it.
And if you improve the present,
whatever happens afterwards will be better too.
Each day brings us Eternity. "

One day at a time now, folks - focus on the present and make it better. :)

Promises to Keep

Holidays make me miserable. I've just realized that.

Don't get me wrong: It's been a long 2 years. My divorce, Mum's death, volcanic office politics, bad family ties with one of my siblings, pusaka issues - they've all taken their toll on me.

And each time I realize that I'm emotionally fatigued and that the last time I've taken a real break is in December 2003, I make another promise to myself to get away for a good holiday on an island, somewhere.

Now all I have to do, is keep that promise. Seems simple enough. But it's not.

Truth is, I hate going on holidays alone, nowadays. There used to be a time when it was therapeutic, but not anymore. So, I put it off, even though I need the break badly.

And then, there are a few other promises that I haven't kept to myself.

First, to join the gym and become a fit and muscular 75kg guy. (Never even got the registration form yet)

Secondly, to join the salsa class in Q-BAR, near Westin. (Excuse: Wednesday evening at 6 p.m.susah-lah, got work to do - although I seem to have time for other social appointments)

Thirdly, to join a script-writing class and write that defining Malaysian Thirty-Something local drama comedy TV series I've always dreamt of writing (Excuse: Yeah, right. As if I've got time to do this. Furthermore, there's SO many struggling scriptwriters out there - what makes you think that your story will be different?)

Fourthly, to climb Mt. Kinabalu (yes, did arrange and pay for the trip with friends but didn't go because Mum was hospitalized. Might never try to do it again - because got no friends to do it with maaa,...)

Fifthly, to meet new people and widen the very limited current circle of close friends (Excuse: WHERE AND HOW? Better to sit at home and watch Astro)

So many promises to keep, yet so many excuses. Heh!

It's gonna be a quiet Raya, without Mum. Kak is trying hard to fill that gap, but somehow it's not quite the same. I've come to realize that Mum was the warmth and glow in the house that we took for granted, all these while. :(

But Life has to move on, and I've got to start keeping some of these promises to myself. It can't all be about, work, passion, contribution and glory. There must be more to life than this - than the mundane, the necessary and the compulsory.

Certainly, I've got to start making space and time, for the beautiful things that God have created. You can't be happy, unless you're willing to make the effort for a more well-rounded life. The first step is always the hardest.

Langkawi, here I come. :)

ZR - this is for you

Dear ZR,

If you ever visit my blog, I sure hope there will come a time when you will forgive me for my actions and be my friend again. We'll probably not be as close as we were once before, but I want you to know that you're still a brother to me, in my heart.

I miss your company and I hope your hurting will heal one day. Believe me, I never intended to hurt you - I just wanted to live my life.

Take care, brother. Selamat Hari Raya and Maaf Zahir Batin. My regards to your Mum and family.

Keeping up with your peers

Have you ever felt that you had to keep up with others, in wealth and status?

I haven't. But Abang has, to his great detriment.

Abang used to be the role model in my life - I looked up to him in a big way. Before he was 35, he was a relatively successful lawyer and a good son, to my mother. He was her favourite.

Somewhere along the way, he felt that he was not as successful as his peers and decided to move into property development - an area that he had little experience in. He gambled a fortune into it and made some bad judgement calls.

He went from being a cash millionaire to a debt millionaire, in a matter of a few years. The economic crisis made things even worse. But that didn't stop him from keeping a lavish lifestyle, on himself or his family - after all, impressions had to be kept up with his peers - they must think he's doing well. His cashflow management was awful and his business (and employees) suffered as a result.

But Abang is now in great financial trouble and is almost morally bankrupt as well.

And then he did the unthinkable: He embezzled a property from my mother. The only unencumbered property under my mother's name, worth RM300,000. My Abang (who has gone on repeated Umrah and Hajj trips) stole from his own mother, to handle the mounting debts and charged it to a bank, for a loan facility.

Mum passed away this year and every week before her death, she asked that the property be returned to her. Mum knew that it would be a cause of great friction, if she died. She mentioned it last, about 2 weeks before she passed on. She died with her last wish, unfulfilled.

Abang seems without regret. There is no inkling that it's pricking his conscience at all. The man I knew when I was growing up, is not there anymore.

Now, he's pushing for us to sell the family pesaka house, for him to get some money out. So cold and unsentimental. Everything is just a source of money to him. He's moderated down a little and sold off the E-Class Mercedes, but the lack of money and unpaid debts all around him, did not stop him from doing up the Wira, for RM2K.

There's an old Negeri saying, "biar pape, ase begaye". (Let us be destitute, but in style). The phrase is a mocking indictment of the behaviour of some people who are willing to keep up the pretence of wealth, without really having much of it.

The description fits Abang perfectly. Let this be a lesson to us: Don't keep up with others. Just spend within your means. "Ukur baju di badan sendiri"

Success should only be measured in the eyes of God and in one's own eyes.

The Top 10 people I'd like to meet in Malaysia

Not so long ago, when I met Arysa's friend, Mr. Hyper, he told me that his lifelong dream was to meet Dr. Mahathir and talk to him. I sympathized with him, because for such a motivated guy, I thought that he really should have a bigger dream than just meeting Dr. Mahathir.

(Last year, I had the chance to present to Dr. M for 15 minutes in a dialogue with the Government and he was really quite human, all attentive to detail and with thought-provoking commments. He even approved what my organisation was lobbying for. Cool old man - hope he keeps on thinking, writing and speaking out)

But thinking about Mr. Hyper made me think about who I would to want to meet in Malaysia. So, here's the list I've come up with:-

1) Siti Nurhaliza (Mr. Hyper would SO laugh at me, right now)
2) Tan Sri Musa Hitam (my favourite UMNO statesman)

3) Dr. Mahadi J. Murat (my favourite Malaysian director and director of Sayang Salmah)
4) Aziz M. Osman (my 2nd favourite Malaysian director and Director of Trauma and Idola)

5) Ungku Aziz (Father of Malaysian Economics)
6) Faridah Merican (Mother of Malaysian Theatre)

7) Tun Daim Zainuddin (Statesman and Malaysian Billionaire)
8) Janet Khoo or Nasha Aziz (Malaysian actress/model - I can't decide on whom I like more, so I named them both)

9) Ahmad Izham Omar (Composer, founder of Positive Tone and CEO of 8TV)
10) Michael Chong (MCA Complaints Bureau and public troubleshooter)

I admire all of them for their contributions, their knowledge, their talents or sometimes (being the superficial chap that I am) their beauty. ;)

Boy, if Mr. Hyper got to read this, he really has a chance to get even with me! Haha!

Anyone who can help me meet these 10 people, gimme a buzz!:)

The Rise of the Young in Politics

A lot of people ask me - "are you not interested to go into politics?". I'm not quite sure why, but they think I should be there.

Yes, it's probably sexy nowadays for the young, to be in politics. Never in Malaysian politics, have the young been welcomed, so much as now. Not since the glorious days of the Tun Razak administration.

But a lot of things have led to the current rise of the young - Anwar's reformasi movement, the wake-up call from political apathy, demographic changes which makes those under the age of 40, at least 60% of the population in this country (and increasing) and the truckloads of young ladies joining Puteri UMNO, in the pink of health.

And of course, of late, the controversial Khairy Jamaluddin factor. The most powerful 29-year old in the country - or so they call him. The fact that he's Oxford-educated, Pak Lah's son-in-law and was elected unopposed as Deputy Chief of Umno Youth, after less than 6 years in UMNO, adds to the mystique.

My late father was a politician too - at one time, during the Razak and Hussein administration, one of the fastest rising sons of UMNO Kelantan. The other 2 prominent names in Kelantan back then, were Tengku Razaleigh and Tan Sri Abdullah Ahmad, both great men in Malaysian history. And they are both now in the same place -less than what they could have been.

But Ayah was politically out-maneouvered and sidelined, when he was trying to expose some corruption cases in UMNO Kelantan. Disillusioned, he left UMNO and joined Pas under Dato' Asri Muda, after PAS left UMNO. He passed away in the mid 80's and never saw PAS whitewash Kelantan in 1990 and to almost lose it, in 2004. If he had lived, I'm confident he would be at least be Deputy Chief Minister.

I've always had a fascination for local politics - at least, as an observer. It's in my blood, you could say.

Politics is the lifeblood in this country - it's responsible for much that has gone right and for a lot more that has gone wrong. It's made millionaires out of ordinary men, kings out of the ordinary citizen. And simple family doctors into a Malaysian icon and a former Deputy Prime Minister into a jailbird.

And everyone is in the game - even of you're not Malay, you'd have to be involved in some way indirectly, to "cari makan". I never underestimate the "invisible players" in the system - those who are kingmakers, but never kings. Kings come and go, but kingmakers always remain in the background.

But I'm not suited to local politics. Too much sandiwara, too much rhethoric, too many handouts to retain support. Too little merit base, too much "ampu" base. Too little patriotism, too much money-making. Too Malay and yet not Malay enough to save this country.

And this is where the young are not that much different, from the older generation they're trying to push out. Corruption is not age-specific - the lack of integrity could hit all generations, both young and old. And the recent UMNO general assembly has proven this, with the biggest outcry on money politics.

Pak Lah believes that the future is with the young - so he's trying to infuse and regenerate the party with young people. Actually, the future is with the good leaders, be they young or old. It's a demarcation that's much more complex, than age range.

How do you identify good people? How do you recognise integrity? And will the young and the old agree on the way forward, even if they're all on the same side.

Raja Y and I, spoke to Dato N the other day. She's one of the true sincere people in the system - very bright, lots of integrity, hardworking and extremely concerned over the future direction of Malaysia. She's very worried over the "Khairy factor" and how the country is being "run by children".

Her Kedahan expressions amused us, but her concerns were valid. Do the young ones like Khairy and gang, advising Pak Lah, have what it takes to be consultative and handle national policy and political issues delicately and sensitively, the way it should be handled? Or will they treat the old, like the custodian of yesterday's mindset and therefore, irrelevant?

In Harvard University, their motto says, "Wisdom cannot be taught". It is humbling that such an eminent academic organisation which has produced so many American political and business leaders, have such respect for knowledge and truth. Perhaps, there's something to be learnt here.

My late mother always said, "how you respect your elders, shows your breeding". Maybe the young ones need to be reminded, that respect and humility is just as important as knowledge and qualifications, in running a country.

Leadership is a responsibility that requires you to sacrifice your ego and self-interest, for the sake of service and nation. A generational change is only good, when the next generation is qualitatively better, than the previous one. It's all about values - the correct ones.

Otherwise, all we're doing is changing an old gold digger for a younger one. And this country will pay the price.

To All the Girls I've Loved Before

I heard this song on radio, today. It was sung by the unlikely pair of Julio Iglesias and Willie Nelson. It made me smile because whenever I'm at karaoke, Nasser would always cheekily insist that this was my song.

I've dated a lot of girls before. A lot. Faced an equally big amount of rejections too. But I've been in love only twice, in the last 15 years. And almost felt it again recently, too.

Lina was my first love - I met her when I was just 16. 7 years of living, loving, arguing, discovering and understanding. And finally, parting. We knew each other so well at one point, that we were completing each other's sentences. Where a look became words and a touch conveyed more than just affection.

Lina was at love at first sight. And falling even deeper, after that. She was kind, loving, intelligent, thoughtful, playful and artistic. And so oh-so-stylish and lovely. An absolute lady - a girl's girl. I always looked forward to our dates, to see what she would wear next. Her mix and match was impeccable.

And everyday, I asked myself what I had done to deserve this girl. Everyday, I was thankful. Some of my happiest days were with Lina - life was especially perfect when I was 19, before I left for the UK.

Even my choice of university was made for her - I wanted to cone back in the shortest time possible, to marry her. But Life had other plans for us.

There were hard times during the 7 years, but our parting was instigated from an unnecessary intervention from Mum. And all the love that had been nurtured over 7 years, was destroyed. But it was my fate.

Losing Lina taught me to redha (to accept my fate) some of the things that God has planned for me. Took me 4 years to get over her - some of the darkest days, which has given me my internal strength today, was developed during those grievous days.

And I thought, I'd never feel that way again. That hard to breathe feeling, when you want someone so badly.

Lina's married now, with two lovely daughters, who thankfully, looked like her. She married a man who was totally undeserving of her, but that's just my biased opinion. Romulus to me, was just a fox who was there at the right time and in the right place. Lina married a man who was completely opposite of me - I guess she wanted someone whom she could control.

I asked her once why Romulus was her choice. Especially when she was not in love with him at that time. Her answer was simple - "because he's there for me". It was a great lesson for me - sometimes, all a woman wants is someone whose there for her.

4 years after things with Lina ended, I felt it again, with Ms Fickle. Although it only lasted a few months, but I had feelings for her for one year before that, when I first met her. We were on e-mail for a year, before I asked her to be my girlfriend, She was surprised and flattered and jumped in, against her better judgement.

For a few months, sunshine walked into my life again. Fickle was ladylike, hardworking, introspective and quite deep, shy but definitely sexy. Her voice on the phone used to melt me like butter. Our phone conversations, used to last until morning - even when we had nothing to say, the silence was comforting and comfortable. Interspersed with the jokes and flirtations. :)

Fickle went back to her ex-boyfriend, a few months later. They had a 3-year relationship and they wanted to try again. I was heartbroken and the gloom of yesterday, set in again.

And I bled for the next few years. I stopped believing in love, I chose the best girl my mother would love and married her. And I got divorced, less than 2 years later, which was just in 2003. And the worse thing is, I was still secretly in love with Fickle, all throughout that time.

I've not been in love again after that. A few close calls, but nowhere near what it used to feel like. I'm over Fickle now and that's a big step.

It took years, but I'm finally at peace. Am not hurting anymore and am not looking for love, anymore. If it comes and it's meant to be, I'll marry the girl. If it doesn't, I'll just have to live alone, without it.

Love is not something you earn. It's something that you're blessed with, even if you're undeserving. I've been fortunate enough to be there, twice. And if God determines it, I will feel it again.

Some blessings are worth waiting for. And romantics have no choice but to be true to their nature.

Understanding Power and Influence

Two days ago, I rejected an offer by my CEO for a Vice President's post in the company. He's offered the post to me before but this time, it was with the pre-condition that I represent the senior management's interest and compromise my stand on protecting my team's interest and to agree with the 20% salary cuts to be imposed on them.

It was strange that the salary cuts were proposed, I thought. The original salaries were approved by the HR Dept., the Board and the Ministry. Of course, all this happened under the previous CEO, but the rest of the senior management team and the Board had remained pretty much the same. Furthermore, my team had done quite well and have met their KPIs.

The decision was an arbitrary one and one that came from an unjustified perspective. Power corrupts, they say. NEWCEO felt like exerting his power - simple as that.

I rejected the VP offer politely and gave him my reasons - that I was not going to abandon my team and allow them to be unjustifiably punished. He was surprised, but quickly said that he will find others "who are up to the challenge". Stupid fool - did he think that petty remarks like that would change my stand?

Letting the VP offer go, costs me the opportunity of having a five-figure salary and a room of my own. (This is the second time in my life that I'm rejecting an offer like this - one day, I swear these offers will stop coming).

But honestly, I didn't even blink at the offer. The rights and wrongs of the situation was obvious - and selling out on my team, would have remained on my conscience. I was their leader and I wanted to take stand for them - even if the outcome will remain the same.

They stood by me and the program for the last 16 months and this team is my family. Nothing mattered as much to me, as their respect and camaraderie.

One of the SVPs called me a "social worker" for rejecting the offer and standing by the team. He called me "immature" and asked me to "be professional" and "grow up and be part of the real world". NEWCEO said to me that there is "no place for idealists in the real world". I pray that I will never come ot that point, when money or power, makes me forget how important people are.

I understand that most people are nice to money and power. Knowledge, honour, service and appreciation comes second, in Malaysia, nowadays. Which is why it's in the state that it's in.

I also learnt a few things about myself, from what what Mentor said to me. He said that I wanted to influence how things turn out in Malaysia, but I refused to chase for power or money. It's like having a car without the engine or the petrol. In the larger equation, it doesn't make sense. A car that doesn't move, is just an intention to drive.

When I ws much younger, I had it ingrained into me that power is a responsibility - it is a burden that you will be held accountable for, in the next life. So, you shouldn't go looking for it - if it was destined, it would come to you. Then, it would be rightfully yours.

And money? Money was the means to an end, to me - I don't have a greedy bone in my body. Am frugal by taste, simple in lifestyle, careful in my spending. Never liked or had very much debt. Not ambitious enough to be an Ananda Krishnan, a Robert Kuok or a Syed Mokhtar Albukhary. The means was as important to me as the end - how you get the money. The money was important, but not an overriding factor in my life - not enough to compromise my ideals.

I've always believed that if you were good in what you do, that money and power would follow, as a natural consequence. It's about merit, I thought. It's a half-truth and I was naive. The assumption works if no one was trying to sabotage you or or if you are willing to compromise on your principles. Otherwise, the assumption is completely flawed, in the real world.

The thing is: God never promised us power and money, for going the Right Way. Our destiny may be one of a clear conscience and an empty wallet, really. An invisible "social worker" to the materialistic world. You might actually end up a "nobody" in the eyes of your family, friends or the public.

And you might actually ask yourself one day, 20 years down: Is it all worth it?

I don't have the answers. Today, the decision I made still has my heart, my mind and my consscience aligned behind it. I hope tomorrow and in future, I will feel the same. Perhaps, I should pray a little that the price isn't always so high, in this temporary borrowed heaven.

Paulo Coelho once wrote: "Man needs to choose, not just accept his destiny".

Indeed. But what pray tell, is the price of those choices and that destiny? Only God knows.