When October Goes,....

Yes, October is finally here.

As I'm writing this, I've got Barry Manilow's classic of "When October Goes" playing in the background, on DVD. The lyrics were written by the late Johnny Mercer (the great lyricist that wrote many of Sinatra's classics) and was passed by Mercer's widow to Manilow - and this beautiful tune was born.

Not that any of this relevant. Heh. I'm just fond of useless facts, like that - being the history buff that I am. :)

October brings mixed feelings.

Ramadhan is around the corner and it's a time of reflection and I'm aiming to improve my tarawih track record this year - which should not be hard, considering my dismal attendance, last year. And I wish for Raya this year to be better - even though this is the second year we'll be embracing Syawal without Mum.

This blog will be one year old soon - I can't believe that I've been blogging for that long. It feels like I've just started, yesterday. But one thing is not in doubt, it's been an essential part of retaining my sanity.

I'm thankful for the friends, readers, input and support that I've received in the past year - all the opinions expressed have been valuable to me, regardless of whether I've agreed or disagreed with them.

And of course, at the end of the month - I will turn 32. *Sigh*

It's not (that) old, but I do feel old and "halfway through", as Acat would say it. (based on the general life expectancy of Malaysian males in their 60's). I hope to live a lot longer than that - at least enough time and health for me to do an "Azmi Khalid" - marry a hot TV personality , if I'm still single in my 60's. ;)

When I was younger, 32 was the benchmarking point, for a lot of my life targets. Now that I'm here - the results are mixed. I'm so off the mark on some of the matrimonial and family parts, but I couldn't be happier with some other areas of my life.

Some of the crucial decisions I made in the last 5 years or so, are crucial to me, being where I am today. But I'm glad I took the leap out from the traditional rat race and for all its up and downs, it has been a truly enriching experience.

It has been better for me and where possible, on a national scale, I've made things better for some enterprising Malaysians in my industry, too. It's always fulfilling to see the entrepreneurs who have succeeded from The Program or who have benefited from our efforts in The NGO. A sincere word of thanks and appreciation from any of these "graduates", always means a lot to me.

The last 5 years have been some of the toughest, intense and most meaningful growth years, for me. I've lived my life according to how I dreamed and yes, though there are regrets, they are very few and far in between. And I'm thankful to God, for where I am. There's a time and place for everything under the sun and I'm relatively happy with where I am, now - despite all the tough emotional knocks.

I'm happy with where my business venture is (we filed our first technology patent today, for our product - yeayyy!) and the next 2-3 years, should prove to be some of the most exciting for the business. I look forward to a period of rapid growth, InsyaAllah and may we achieve my dream of going regional in 5 years.

On the national contribution front, I'm hoping to step out from the shadow of the oldies. Over the past few years, I've deliberately stayed in the background - because in Malaysia - people are generally suspicious if you're a young person trying to change the system (KJ being a prime example).

As much as I abhor this seniority-based "wait for your turn" culture, but as a history buff, I acknowledge the importance of timing one's steps and that credibility and contribution, is something that one builds over time. It cannot be rushed, lest it invite a horrid backlash. Let your work and results speak for you (and when you're older, your age too) and the rest will handle itself.

Leadership and responsibility is something that should come to you, via merit, without you having to clamour for it. I'm a traditionalist in that way - I believe that destiny happens to you, if you are meant for it. If you are the right person at the right time, fighting the right cause and fulfilling a need.

Learn from the lessons of Musa Hitam, Tengku Razaleigh, Ghazali Shafie and Anwar Ibrahim - accept that talent will only bring you to the level where you're meant to be, not necessarily where you want to be. Only God is All-Knowing and the reasons for such things.

Otherwise, be thankful and happy with what you're meant for - because leadership and responsibility of others, is actually a burden. And something that we will be held accountable for, in the next world.

But at 32, I feel that I'm not (too) young anymore - especially in a country where 65% of the country, is below 40. It's time to step out of the shadows and play a bigger part, make a bigger impact and not be hesitant to be a part of the "frontliners". I'm not an impatient young man, anymore - now, I'm just going to be impatient. :)

The next "benchmarking point" will be in 5 years, at 37. And by that time, I pray for a mixture of business and financial success, to be happily married with 1-2 kids (hopefully) and to make a bigger impact on the national contribution front. It's not necessarily a target - I know better, than to do that - it's just a wish list. I'll do my best and see what life has in store, for me.

Whichever path and direction you decide I should go, God - I submit to your Higher Will. But I only plead for one thing - make the next 5 years, happier and more fulfilling, than the last 5 years. Make it a period of intense growth in intellect, achievement, spiritual and emotional fulfillment.

That's all I ask, God.

Ha! Guess what song Manilow is playing on piano, now? It's called "I Made It Through The Rain" - what an apt song, to end my reflection on the last 5 years! :) Haha!

Adventure with The Boys - Part 2

While I'm writing this, K.D. Lang and Tony Bennett is crooning a duet in the background with the song - "Dream A Little Dream of Me".

Yes, I'm playing one of my favourite homeplay albums - "Jazz in The City". At 2 a.m. in the morning, the silence makes the music sweeter and more nuanced - every line of lyric, touching a deeper place within you.

There's something about this particular CD, which makes me both happy and sad, all at once. The songs accompanied me, in some of the most special occasions of my life - and now that I'm listening to it alone, there is certain sorrow, that follows too.

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, I hope you have a copy of this CD. And that you think of me (and remember us, in the happier times), occasionally, when you're listening to the songs. Because there's not a single time when I play this CD, that I don't think about you, sayang,....


**********************************************************************************

Back to the Cherating stories. This one's going to be slightly more somber.

There we were in Kuantan by the Riverside, having nasi lemak and ikan pari (stingray). (Yes, I did notice the irony - that Stingray was having a stingray for dinner. Hehehehe,...) And the ikan pari was brilliant - it was soft and fresh and dipped in the kicap sauce, it just landed divinely on the tongue.

Good company and good food. It doesn't get any better than this.

After dinner conversation revolved around Ivan. Over the course of the last few years, Ivan has changed somewhat - and he's noticed it, too. He's become a bit of a whiner - everything was wrong about people, places and situations around him. He used to be cheerful and positive about life - nowadays, he just gives out a lot of negative vibes.

The problem was, Ivan had set expectations for the world. And the world was just not meeting his standards. And the more the world failed to comply to his benchmarks, the more aggravated he became. And his expressions and outlook on everything became more negative.

I asked Ivan to make something a habit. I asked him to say something positive, for every negative thing that he recognized about a person, a place or a situation. Just to strike a balanced outlook, purposefully. And to see how he feels, at the end of the day. And if he can't possibly find something positive to say about someone, then find the compassion for the person - learn to emphatize, or at the very least, sympathize.

He accepted the challenge. He even tried it out, immediately - he tried something nice about a person he despises. And he managed for about 3 minutes, before the negative verbal diarrhea started again. But at least, he was trying. :)

**********************************************************************************

As Jamil and Ivan were buying keropok lekor at the roadside stalls, Acat and I sat in the car having a good conversation. A short while later, his girlfriend, The Babe, called on his mobile phone and he signalled me to keep quiet. I was a little surprised, but complied to his wishes.

I eavesdropped on the conversation while pretending to read the papers. And he kept saying things like - "yeah, Langkawi is great!" LANGKAWI? Since when were we in Langkawi???

As his phone conversation ended, he looked at me sheepishly. "I told her I was in Langkawi for work", he confessed. But why?

"Because she might object to me spending time with you guys", he replied. Because as it is, he hardly has time for her. Because as it is, he's never really taken her out for holidays, in the last few years. Because she may not understand and may feel that she's not as important to him. Which is not true - according to him.

I raised my eyebrow, as a gesture of disbelief.

"Yes, I will tell her the truth, eventually", he retorted. "I just didn't want to go through the hassle of consoling her, before the trip".

I smiled and laughed. Attached men always find great excuses for their inconsiderate little white lies. No matter how much they love their girls, sooner or later, they start treating them like their mothers - figures of authority that you have to "work around".

**************************************************************************************

**********************************************************************************

On our trip back to KL, I had the front seat again and my job was to keep awake and to keep the driver awake. Acat and Jamil were fast asleep, perhaps exhausted from the adventure of the last few days.

Even though Ivan and I were roommates, that was the first point within the holiday that we had some quite personal time to talk. And talk we did.

Some interesting questions arose from similar situations, albeit different circumstances. What does one do with feelings for someone special, for something that can never be?

My answer to that conundrum was to acknowledge what the feeling was and to start overcoming it.

Ivan's answer was slightly different - that it's better to deny the feelings ever existed and to live and let live. Although it was important to him, to know what the other party felt - something which I deemed irrelevant and was just inviting more complications, if the consideration was invited in.

I looked at Ivan's marriage and felt that there was a lot of reality, in it.

He's a relatively good husband and a loving and attentive father. He has a lovely and understanding wife and 2 great kids and in many ways, has a life that many would envy. Even though his wife was his 2nd choice and he still has feelings for someone else, (which is reciprocated) but he would never wreck his marriage and family. That was his love and his commitment - to his wife and his children. And he would remain true to it.

Many men (or women)would not be as strong. And I'm sure that there's a fair number of people out there, quietly living this life. Those who have decided that there are more important things out there, than one's own personal feelings. And they've chosen to sacrifice their heart, for the promises which they have made for a lifetime.

I respect him for the strength of his commitment. I wear my heart on my sleeve - therefore, the act of concealing what I feel, as he does, would be really strange and alien to me. And I have failed at it, before. Tragically.

Dear God, give me the providence to find a life partner, who I cannot live without. And failing that, give me one that I can live with and shut my heart from remembering what love is (with or for others) and make it grow only with the person that I'm with.

I pray for strength in future and better still, I pray for happiness.

For life is a script that is not only written with our words and actions, but also by our silence and inertia. And our choices and decisions, on which course to take.

There is no right and wrong for these things. To each, his/her own decisions and the only measure is whether you're willing to live with the consequences, of those decisions. We all have our own journeys to take and destinies to fulfill.

***********************************************************************************

Talking about acknowledging, Ivan asked me to identify why it is that I'm still so in love with her.

It's because she made me feel special. She accepted me as I am and there were no parts of me, that she considered a liability or "excess baggage". Because I love the way she felt in my arms.

The way she loved to hug, snuggle and look adoringly at me, with those big sexy eyes. Her voice and the way she mentions my name, when she's wide awake or when she's half-asleep. The flirting on the phone, the growing passion in every touch. She was craving for affection and I had so much to give.

"But you have to remember - she decided that you were not good enough for her - despite all that", Ivan said. That sharp remark, jolted me back to reality.

Because as I was explaining to Ivan what it is, that I love about you - I realized how much I've been suppressing. And that even though I'm handling it better now, I'm still a long way from getting over you.

But I also realized, that you had already made your decision. And despite all your proclaimed love and displays of affection, I was not your choice.

And one day, I will learn to accept this and move on. As if reading my mind, Ivan patted my back and said, "Sabarlah. You will get over her".


***********************************************************************************

As I end this blog, the song "All Would Envy" is playing on the CD, sung by Shawn Colvin (and featuring Chris Botti). I smiled - I remember telling you that this was a tragic song about you. Except that you're not marrying an old man. But this was your favourite song, in the album.

All would envy, indeed.

I'd prefer the lyrics in Nat King Cole's song "Nature Boy" (and sung by Celine Dion) - "the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved, in return".

Touche.

Adventure with The Boys - Part 1

Just got back from Cherating last night. The holiday with the boys, was a blast! :)

Ivan, Acat, Jamil and I had more fun and laughter in the last few days, than we have in the whole year. :)

There's something cozy about old friends: you can just be yourself because the familiarity is almost second nature, you're unafraid of being judged on your fears and confessions and the silly jokes, insults and bantering are almost at a psychic level - one of us would finish the sentence, where the other started.

It didn't matter that one of us was married, the other two were attached (in various levels of commitment) and yours truly was single. But in Cherating, we were all 16 again - curious, mischievous, adventurous and looking for new things to experience. And in the process, deepening our understanding of each other and further strengthening our bond of friendship.

The long morning breakfast chats, the ogling of hot babes, the foosball, pool and arcade games, the walks by the beach, deep discussions (laced with a constant stream of humour) till the wee hours of the morning, the trip to the world-famous Kedai Kopi Hai Peng in Chukai (established in 1940), the reasonably priced and delicious seafood dinner, the trip to the breezy Pantai Kemasek and the jetty in Kerteh, were all memorable.

**********************************************************************************

The riverside dinner in Kuantan and the "illicit" trip to the dodgy GRO bar that followed later especially, was eye-opening, in all senses of the word. All of us wanted to taste a slice of Kuantan nightlife - just to see what it was like.

There we were, 4 "oldish" guys with 4 classes of Coca Cola, accompanied by two 19-year old Malay girls, in very revealing and tight-fitting clothes. It did not leave much to the imagination, you can say.

Me being me, I started on my "Edisi Siasat" mode - I asked Liza (not her real name) one of the two pretty girls, on why she worked there. And she said that the bar was owned by one of the owners of a well-branded telco player in Malaysia, which happened to be her (daytime) employer too. Furthermore, they made RM60 a night - "just for chatting and keeping customers happy".

Even if she worked 3 nights a week, that would easily add RM720 to her pocket - a lot of extra pocket money for a 19-year old girl in Kuantan. From her accent, I noticed that Liza was from Terengganu. I asked her if her 24-year old boyfriend (who I was told was working as a forklift engineer) minded her working there. She paused reflectively and said "yes".

And then she said - "Tapi kalau tunggu dia buat duit nak kahwin, sampai bila le tak kahwin". She's been with the boy for 3 years and was intent on getting married by the time she is 21. But to her - now was the time to earn and start saving for the future. It was calculated and pragmatic - it was all, a means to an end.

I wondered how many more girls who didn't do well or didn't have the means to continue their tertiary studies, have fallen into this GRO trap.

Ivan meanwhile, continued staring at the other girl's cleavage, intermittently reminding himself that he was married. Lyn was 18 years old and was generally, ahem - not very shy. She was very attractive and had a body that would make grown men, weep. Jamil felt guilty even sitting there and Acat, was just breathing in, the novelty of the environment.

It was an interesting night in Kuantan. As we drove back to Cherating, we realized that inside or outside of KL, the differences in social environment were getting smaller. The rot was setting in, even outside of KL.

**********************************************************************************

Satar and otak-otak in Kemaman was brilliant! Sedap gila! I was just wondering why we can't package this and export it overseas, as a Malaysian delicacy. If the Japanese can do sushi, why can't we do satar and otak-otak?

A brainwave for a franchise outlet called "Satar King" has just crossed my mind,...hahahahaha,...

***********************************************************************************

Secrets sharing was always a part of the norm, of the trip with the boys. And this time, some of the stories had a supernatural element to it. I was quite surprised at how one of us, was so attuned to the world of non-humans. It's pretty eerie and gave me goosebumps, just thinking about it.

He certainly got the award for the secret of the night. My story was pretty good and it shocked the boys pretty good, but I had to settle for first runner-up. But whatever it is, confession is good for the soul, they say.

Not many people have the privilege of being truly honest with their friends. So many of our friendships are so full of pretences and bogus posturing. So much fear of being judged by others, even those closest to us.

I thanked God, for the few people in my life that I could be truly honest to. I know someone out there, who could use such friends - people that she won't be afraid of being herself to.

***********************************************************************************

Acat, being the mischievous one in the group, (and the one that had the unfortunate luck of being Jamil's roommate) decided to record Jamil's snoring on his handphone. According to Acat, it had a precise timing and rhythm to it - every 8 seconds or so, the snoring would begin again. He played the snoring sounds over breakfast - it was hilarious! Ivan said we should volunteer it for an Ultraman movie, for one of the dinosaur sounds,...ahahahha,....

I woke up one morning to the sound of Jamil's snoring, in the adjoining hotel room. I could see Ivan putting his clothes on, preparing to go for breakfast and I asked: "Are the boys awake and ready to go?"

Ivan's reply was dead sarcastic,..."Acat tengah mandi,...tapi kerbau masih kat kandang",(referring to Azmil's snoring)...ahhahahahhaha,....

***********************************************************************************

Scene in the car:

Ivan was driving and Jamil was the navigator.

Ivan: "What's the speed limit, ah?"

Jamil: "It's 90 km per hour"

Ivan: "How do you know that?"

Jamil: "Because it's a highway and there's 'angin melintang' in this area - it's usually 90, at a place like this"

Ivan: (Quietly impressed with Jamil's knowledge and keeping below the suggested sped limit)

About less than 5 minutes later - they saw a speed limit sign that said "110 km/h". The boys and I burst out in laughter. After that, any 'waffle' attempts were severely labeled as "angin melintang" stories. Hahahahahahaha,....and Jamil never heard the end of it, for the duration of the trip,...

***********************************************************************************

There is nothing in the world, quite as comfortable as the hammock, tied to the trees, in Legend Cherating. The feel and sound of the soft breeze, the feeling of being suspended in the air while swaying to the wind, shutting your eyes and just letting your mind wander,....what a divine feeling,...

************************************************************************************t

It was one of those moments when all 4 of us were seated on the bed, reflecting on how far we've come in our 24-year old friendship. Maybe it's just age and the hardness of the world that made us sentimental, but we're all beginning to appreciate this bond we have more and more, everyday.

And that discussion and reflection would have been nicely ensconced in our memories if not for Ivan crossing the line, with this remark: "Man, wouldn't it be nice, if we were all gay?"

The moment was killed and ended abruptly and everyone jumped off the bed. Aiyyoooo,...there are certain lines that male bonding should not cross and remarks like that, was certainly one of it. Hahahaha,....maybe for the next trip, we should bring our female partners along. ;)

***********************************************************************************

It was a great trip with the boys - more stories, to follow later. But we've decided that the next outing will be in Phuket in February 2006.

I'm looking forward to it.

This is also my investment for my children, one day. All these bi-annual trips, memories, photos and stories - one day when I'm not around, these boys will make sure that my kids will know who I am and what my life was like, when I was younger. My friends will fill in the blanks for my children - as my late parents's friends did for me.

Never underestimate the value of lifelong friends, who will allow you to be yourself and the best (and sometimes, the worst) person that you can be. It's worth all the treasures, in the world.

In Cherating With The Boys

By the time you read this, I would be in Cherating with some of the Regent's Ville boys.

The next few days will be a time for male bonding, secrets sharing, chicks-hunting, adventure sports, late night card games and all sorts of nature exploration. It's a time of great learning, sharing and strengthening our 24-year bond.

It's a bi-annual thing for me and the boys. And I'm glad we're having this outing before puasa, next month.

See you when I get back, folks! :)

STOMP! - The Rhythm of Noise

I went to watch the Broadway and West End hit, STOMP! at Istana Budaya, last night.

Oh my God, what an amazing show!! :)

The performers were sporting and had the audience clapping along, in rhythm. Their sketches and acting were simple and to the point, but really tugs at your funny bone. Malaysians being the masters of rote learning, copied the rhythm and timing of the claps, perfectly - even the complicated ones.

(In this one instance - I'm going to thank the Malaysian education system, for making us such good "followers". It made for a more fun show.)

Truly a world-class performance, from catchy rhythmic noises that could be produced from everyday things - rubbish bins, kitchen sinks, zippo lighters, road signs, water cooler bottles, brooms, balls, etc. Combined with sleek dance moves and spirited stomping tap dance maneouvres - it made a dazzling combo of bodily and group synchronization, in rhythm, timing and amazing precision.

It's a new level of creativity in performance arts and could be just the thing to catalyze street art, for people who can't afford pricey musical instruments.

The lesson is simple: you can still make great "music", if you're willing to be creative with the things you have around you. Art will not be limited by scarcity of means.

Man, they should encourage these sort of things in schools, urban slums and rural areas! I'm already starting to imagine like this done for a Malay wedding or for a dragon dance - STOMP-fusion style!

I enjoyed this better than I did "Riverdance", as they had to do it without music accompaniment. Some have described it as "a musical without music". How apt.

My words will not do it justice, folks! You've gotta catch it to believe it. And it's having world-class shows like this, right at our KL doorstep, that justify the money that we've spent on Istana Budaya!

Singapore Shots - Part 2

Malaysia and Singapore. These 2 countries have been occupying my mind in the last 6 weeks or so.

Ever since the group of Singapore Hot Shots came to see the Young People's Club and expressed an intention to strengthen ties, between the 2 countries. Ever since Mel (from the Singapore Hot Shots side) and I came up with this idea of the shared history project. Ever since I've been reading stuff about the separation of Malaysia and Singapore - the inevitable political tragedy.

And just a few days ago, I was watching a joint Malaysian-Singaporean theatre production called "Separation 40" which revolved around scenarios prior, during and after, the separation between Malaysia and Singapore. I went with Mel and the Singapore Sizzler. Ahem! ;)

It was great seeing local talents like Jit Murad, Zahim Al-Bakri and Soefira Jaffar combine with some of the Singaporean (or Singaporean-based Malaysian talents) across the Causeway - the talent pool was deeply enriched and the contrasting styles of directing, acting and storytelling gave the whole endeavour a certain freshness of perspective.

It was a heavy topic - but they handled it in a light enough fashion, to keep the crowd from getting bored and bogged down, with the seriousness of the context.

Overall, it was entertaining and sufficiently thought-provoking - although in typical theatrical style - they preferred to present subtle and neutral human scenarios, as opposed to taking a perspective on the issue or being historically accurate. But it achieved its target of being entertaining - the script was strong and the acting execution (especially, the multifarious use of the props) and chemistry between the actors, was excellent.

After the show, the post-show review with the audience was educational for me. Except for the fact that the room was virtually full of young Singaporeans, (except for yours truly), the response was similar, to what I would expect it to be in KL.

They wanted to know more facts about the Separation. (Singapore history classes only takes 1965, as its starting point, conveniently leaving out anything that happened between 1962 to 1965). They wanted to know more about what led to Singapore's ouster from Malaysia.

They wanted to know more about racial riots and its underlying reasons. They wanted to understand the differences between the Malay and the Chinese and the struggle for political and economic dominance. They wanted to know why a country with so many family linkages from both sides of the Causeway - was arbitrarily ripped in two.

The young in Singapore are as much in the dark as the ones in Malaysia are, if not more. At least historically. The only history they know of Malaysia are inherited, together with the prejudices from their parents' generation.

They may hate or dislike Malaysia and the way it runs - but they're not actually sure why. They've been told to believe so - that there was only Singapore's way and any other way that contravened that - is the wrong way. It's twisted indoctrination without pure debate on the issues - as to whether certain things were not meant to be, as naive and optimistic leaders rushed about to their objectives, without first persuading the people, to follow them.

It will take time to strengthen ties with Singapore, even on a people to people basis. Not because they don't really like us, but they just don't know us. And mental prejudices build up walls between one side and the other, stopping them from extending a hand in friendship.

Being the only Malaysian audience there, I decided to put across my views on the play and commended them on taking on this timely joint endeavour, when the young ones on both sides of the Causeway are hungry to explore the truth for themselves, as opposed to being told what the truth is.

Mel approved, Sizzler was impressed and I had a short chat with the amazing Zahim Al-Bakri, who was 1 of 2 directors for the play, the other being a Singaporean.

But after reading the relevant books and watching "Separation 40" and having a frank discussion with members of the Singapore Hotshots, the conclusion I've drawn are as follows:-

1) It's not the Separation that was a mistake, it was the merger of convenience, due to both countries' fear of Communism. Malaysia and Singapore never had common ideas or perspectives of what it meant to be a nation and how to bring it forward. Each side tried to push their ideology, before their peoples were ready to accept it.

2) That personalities can make or break a country, as Tunku Abdul Rahman, Lee Kuan Yew, Tun Tan Siew Sin and Syed Jaafar Albar, did;

3) That being extremely talented in politics, as Lee Kuan Yew was, could be threatening to others, in a system where there were many inferior leaders at the upper echelon. Sometimes being modest and of low-profile, is better than being clever and boisterous (KJ take note, learn from history);

4) That change takes time and in a democracy, you must allow others the time to be persuaded and not run rougshod over them and try to implement something, which they've had very little say or contemplation, over;

5) That so much has changed, but yet so little has between the Malay and Chinese community in both KL and Singapore. In some ways, we still act as we did - 40 years ago. And that shows that, we still have a long way to go.


"Separation 40" will be coming to KL on the 29th, I've been told. Go catch it, if you can. It will be an education, I promise.

Singapore Shots - Part 1

There we were in my hotel room. Cole, Sharon, Benjy, his lovely wife, Karen and their 11-month old baby, Jonathan.

We've been extremely lucky this year - this is the 3rd time we're catching up over the past one year. And for Cole, Benjy and I - it has truly strengthened our 11-year friendships with one another - all the way from our undergraduate days. Benjy was my housemate for 2 years and Cole, our very own group's self-appointed (but amazingly talented) chef. Benjy and Cole are Singaporeans, by nationality.

Much has changed over the years. And yet so little has. There was a time when I was married, Benjy was juggling girls and Cole was the religious Christian boy. Now, I'm divorced and reflective, Benjy's the model husband and father and Cole has become Singapore's embodiment of Don Juan - treating women like mere commodities. :)

We've seen each other evolve and mature. And in some cases, regress to immaturity. But the bond has strengthened and our understanding of the other's perspective seems to deepen, as we find ourselves, in the shoes they were previously in. It's like we came one full circle - taking turns to be the other in our lives.

But through out all this - a few things have kept the friendship solid between the 3 of us - the ability to be honest without being judgmental, the ability to advice without being offensive, the ability to care without imposing one's values. There are too few friendships in life, that understand these unspoken rules.

It was a great 3 days in Singapore and the boys made it a point to spend some time, everyday, with me. This lavishness of attention made me miss our old days in London - back in our posh apartment in Whitechapel.

Benjy and I, are especially close. He was my housemate and the person who knew me the best, during some turbulent emotional periods, in London. Unlike me, Benjy's an introvert - but let him not fool you - beneath that silken silence, there's a mind that understand a lot more, than he lets on. Benjy always manages to say things that makes me think.

And that moment came again, recently. We were on a drive back to my hotel and we stopped at a traffic light.

I told him how envious I was of his life - not necessarily the career part, where we're both doing well and on our way up - but more of the other things in life - a lovely wife, a beautiful baby, good relationship with his parents and a holistic life centered around religion.

He paused for a while - as if letting what I said sink in and preparing to respond - and in typical Benjy style, articulated an original, surprising and thought-provoking reply.

He looked straight at me and said, "You know, I don't think everyone is suited to married life". Although he didn't mention any names - I knew that he thought that I was one of those people. And he wanted me to think about it, too.

"I think you have to know what you want and I think you do know, what you want in life. But the question you have to ask is: would it be fulfilled by being married? Is it enough for you? It may be enough for others, but it may not be enough for you. You've got to be honest to yourself and ask what you really want out of your life. And whether being married will help you get, what you want."

His points took me aback. This was not something that came off the cuff. This is an observation from a close friend, who has known me quite well, for 11 years now. And he's seen me go through several girlfriends and one marriage.

And from the look on Benjy's face - I knew what he was trying to say and the points which he wanted me to reflect on.

He's seen the things I've aspired to. He's seen the unconventional way I've lived my life, throwing caution to the wind and blindly relentless, in pushing what I feel is good for this country. To give everything your best, to live and to love, with no "what-ifs" or regrets over things not done. Even at great cost and detriment.

He's seen the constant highs (and lows) I've had in my life and he's wondering, whether I could live without it - or whether I was addicted to the emotional roller-coaster. Whether I could live with the sedateness and regularity of normal married and family-oriented life. Whether I could find a life partner that could keep up with my dreams and expectations, over time.

Whether that would be enough for me (as it's enough for him) or as Xena would aptly put it - "whether I would get bored".

I'm back in KL now and it's been 2 days since Benjy made that comment. But it's still ringing in my head - like an annoying trivia question with an elusive answer.

I'm stumped. I don't know. Or does a part of me, actually know - but refuses to acknowledge it? And if it is true - where the hell do I go from here?

More questions. No answers. But I'm thankful for Benjy's honesty and penetrating insight.

***********************************************************************************

It was only our 2nd dinner date, after a month of chatting on YM. The cool and breezy outdoor evening environment in Clarke Quay, was lively but romantic, the Moghul food was delicious and the dinner companion was exquisitely attractive.

She's of Arabic descent, she's hot and she's really down to earth. The conversation was pleasant and it flowed effortlessly. I love the way Singaporean Malay girls blend their liberal streak with a deep-rooted and conservative religious upbringing. Not too liberal, not too conservative, but certainly interesting and intelligent - just the way I like it. And thankfully, she seemed keen on me.

If you had asked me to rationally describe a typical profile of the woman that I would be attracted to - she would fit the profile on all fours. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her - Benjy and Cole met her on the night before for supper with me and they were impressed.

But there seems to be no lasting attraction on my side to her. For some reason, it was out of sight, out of mind.

Benjy, Cole and Xena came up with the same reasoning as to why this happened - "maybe it's because she DOESN'T have a problem, like the girls you usually tend to fall for."

The assumption is disturbing and I sure hope it's not true. Not that I have a better reason to offer, currently.

Good grief, Charlie Brown!

A Great Quote

This is a quote by Dag Hammarskjold, (former UN Secretary General) that I read yesterday, which has been floating around in my head:-

"Do not look back and do not dream about the future, either. It will neither give you back the past, nor satisfy your other daydreams.

Your duty, your reward, your destiny - are here and now,..."


Some parts I'm still learning, some parts I hardly do and some parts, I'm living everyday. Here and now.

Great News, Mixed Feelings

Today, I received the best piece of news this year, from the person I didn't want to hear from, the most.

The great news was that the Beast (who was trying to kill my Program) was leaving the Company and had tendered his resignation, to be effective within 3 months.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, they say. But backlash is even sweeter, when God serves it, without Man's intervention or retaliation.

I'm elated - without him there, the Program which I founded would have a far better chance, of growing and prospering.

But the great news came with mixed feelings. Because N was the person that related the news to me. And because the great news may have been too little, too late.

Realizing that no one within the Company, would protect the Program and the members of the Program team from the Beast - I started lobbying the Minister of Form, via the Entrepreneurial Doc, for his Ministry to take over the Program from the Company and from under the ambit of the ministry full of evasive and cowardly civil servants.

And on less than 2 months of effort, I succeeded too. The Minister of Form announced in his speech in the recent summit, that his Ministry intended to take over the Program and grow the program, to realize its full potential and to fulfill its original intentions of having a 2-level step-up funding. The Entrepreneurial Doc is the one that will oversee the growth of the program, for the Ministry.

Alhamdulillah. All my efforts in the last few years have not been in vain and the Program will hopefully continue as my lasting legacy, to the industry.

With the Beast leaving the Company and karma taking its promised full swing, my faith that both the good and the bad get their due, has been revived. Whatever happens after this, the environment for the Program to bloom has been set.

Even if it stays within the ambit of the Company, under the lack of leadership provided by the current CEO, Mr. No Backbone. An indifferent leader, is better than a venomous one.

As for N - thanks for relaying me the great news. I do appreciate it.

I also know that this is your standard format - you want to part on good terms, so that your conscience may be cleared. But know this - nothing has changed between us. After this piece of great news, we're back to being less than strangers, to one another. Nothing more.

Just because I'm polite, N - does not mean that I have forgiven or forgotten. It just means I'm polite.

On a last note, three cheers to the Program! May it continue to serve the country well and successive generations of new talent, from the industry.

And to the next employer of the Beast, they have my deepest sympathies.

They will soon realize that beneath the string of sophisticated accounting qualifications, lies a twisted, manipulative and awful human being, that knows nothing else but to bite and poison the environment around him. Good luck in life, you sad little man.

Yes, Singapore Minister

Yesterday, 12 Malaysian youths met up with Mr. George Yeo, the Foreign Minister of Singapore, on his request. I was one of the fortunate 12, in the Young Peoples Club.

*********************************************************************************

It was a surreal experience. Being there at Rumah Temasek on Jalan Tun Razak, (currently the official residence of the Singapore High Commissioner) which used to be the official home of the Lee Kuan Yew, the Prime Minister of Singapore, when Singapore was still part of Malaysia, gave me a sense of nostalgia and historical significance.

It was here that the issues surrounding the Malaysia-Singapore split was discussed back in 1965, by political leaders from both sides. Tunku Abdul Rahman used to come over and play a few rounds of golf and "have a few drinks" with Lee Kuan Yew, at that time, where they discussed national issues.

It was here that the talks failed and the separation between Malaysia and Singapore happened. It was here that Dr. Goh Keng Swee, the chief architect of Singapore, drew up a list of pros and cons on a piece of paper, regarding the separation.

It was here that the Tunku, faltering under political pressure from within his own party, denied the Singaporeans the continued union and Tun Tan Siew Sin, then the Malaysian Finance Minister, denied Singapore the "common market" provisions - despite Tunku not objecting to it.

Very few realize that the basis of this decision was never racial - in fact, it was about the Chinese factions in each country, protecting their own business interest.

With that separation, we artificially divided people who came from the same roots and localities, into 2 different countries. Although, perhaps, this was necessary, to defuse the tension surrounding some of the issues regarding "Malaysian Malaysia" that Lee Kuan Yew and the People's Action Party (PAP) had raised.

Singapore went away, taking away 2 million people and 40% of Malaysia's purchasing power and some of the best brains in Universiti Malaya, then a premier university in Asia. But the situation was severe - their unemployment rate was 14% and they had no natural resources.

Forced to survive, Singapore was forced to look to the outside world for guidance and I would argue, became one of the first nations in the world that embraced open competition, in a globalized environment - way before the onset of globalization. They have done so much, with so little.

Their economic insecurities - the one that was shaped by the separation - forced them to adapt, survive and to always a keep a few steps ahead, of their neighbouring countries.

"The Little Red Dot" in Southeast Asia (as President Habibie of Indonesia called it)has done well - all things considered. Good economic governance since Lee Kuan Yew' time and talent management amongst the young, (the average age of staff in Singapore's Economic Development Board (EDB) is less than 32 years old) has ensured that Singapore remains ahead of the curve.

Some may argue that it is easier to run a city-state of 3-4 million people than it is to run a country of 25 million people, like Malaysia. The argument is true, up to a certain extent - Singapore has no agricultural hinterland, to provide for.

But this both a blessing and a curse. It can achieve the status of a developed country much faster and the national proceeds are spent for development, on much fewer people. But on the other hand, they are dependent on other countries for all things and in a situation of a war, Singapore may not be self-sufficient.

**********************************************************************************

Yes, there used to be a time when liberals ran this country. Inside Rumah Temasek, you will find a unique photo on the pillar area in the living area, which showed the 2nd Prime Minister of Malaysia, the late Tun Abdul Razak, doing the joget with Mrs. Lee Kuan Yew.

And another of Tunku Abdul Rahman, Lee Kuan Yew (yes, Lee Kuan Yew knew how to do the joget - it was not just a Malay thing) and a few other dignitaries, doing the joget on a stage.

Yes, there was a time when Malaysian Ministers were not shy to display their Malay dance culture in public. And in comparison, the joget is proper - there is generally, no touching involved between the different genders - unlike the hip-attached-to-bum grinding that goes on nowadays.

Nowadays, we shun from having Malay leaders displaying Malay culture, in public. And we are poorer for it. The current young generation only knows how to appreciate Western music, dance and culture - or Malay music or culture that has been aping the West.

And now Ministers and political leaders only dance in private parties which they or others of their ilk, organize. But the Malay joget is long dead.

**********************************************************************************


Back to the Singapore Foreign Minister, George Yeo.

I've been reading about George Yeo, since my days in London. His political views are usually quite liberal - very un-Singaporean, one might say. I've always thought that he was Prime Minister material. A Double First graduate of Cambridge University (where he was trained in Engineering) and a Masters graduate from Harvard - they don't come academically brighter, than George Yeo.

And he is popularly known as a leading Singapore intellectual, although I've been told that this often alienates him from the common run-of-the-mill Singaporean. But meeting the man up close and personal, I found him to be very down to earth and open to discussing issues of concern.

And during the dinner, we discovered that the Minister has a penchant for history. I was impressed with his detailed knowledge of the break-up of the Ottoman Empire, the current political split between the Sunnis and Shi'ites in the Middle East and tacit support for Osama Ben Laden, as a come-uppance against American arrogance. For a non-Muslim, he knew much about the Muslim world - at least, the political intricacies and the historical background.

Some of his biases were obvious. He was visibly American-centric in relation to Iraq and refused to give a straight answer, on the issue of Israel/Palestine. But to give him due credit, he was more balanced on his views, than any non-Muslim Southeast Asian leader I've heard so far. Before every reply, he contemplated on the answer and the words were carefully chosen. But he was nothing less than direct, behind closed doors.

And there was something about his approach that was familiar. He tended to approach things from a historical background, pays attention to small details and seems to come to his conclusions in a very pragmatic clinical fashion - it was very Mahathiristic.

Perhaps, it's a clarity possessed by science and engineering-trained people - there's very little emotional bias, that stands behind a decision they make.

A few of us took the opportunity to engage the Minister in a discussion and debate, over current issues. I tried to cull from him the secret of Singapore retaining its policy and civil service leadership young, even from the 1960's.

His answer was simple - most of the older people, say above 40, in Singapore at that time, were not university-educated. They had to take young people, because these people were the only ones with degrees!

Furthermore, most sponsored scholars come and serve the Singapore Government only in the first few years of their careers - after that they would "flow through" and join the private sector, perhaps in their mid-30's. This kept the policy and civil service circles, relatively young.

I also argued with the Minister over the issue of brain drain (which both Malaysia and Singapore suffers from) and that the logical thing to do, would be to attract the best brains from less developed countries, to reverse the brain drain - as opposed to trying to attract our best locals back from developed countries. People naturally gravitate towards a more developed environment, in a globalized world.

George Yeo did not quite agree with me on this and said that it would be a waste "if we lost our core people" (meaning locals). But he did agree with me, that globalization has greatly weakened patriotism and educated people tend to be more individualistic, now - with little regard to roots, community and a sense of responsibility to contribute back, to one's country.

After about 1 hour plus, the Minister politely excused himself, to attend another appointment. We all left the function at Temasek House, a little impressed with the man. Perhaps, if there were many more like him, then Malaysia-Singapore ties, would be greatly strengthened.

And Mr. Yeo, you've got my vote for becoming Singapore PM, one day. Majulah Singapura!

Close Encounters of 3 Kinds

It was a surprise seeing FirstMan there.

He's a pilot and he spends 20 days a month, flying. That should have narrowed the chances of us bumping into each other in a club. But it happened.

When I first noticed FirstMan in the club, I immediately looked away. I didn't want to be reminded of what I had lost, by the person, I had lost it to. But later in the night, FirstMan saw me too and I noticed that he was occasionally looking at me. I ignored the situation.

At one point, FirstMan parked himself about a few feet, in front of me. Many thoughts ran through my mind at that time. Envy, that he had the woman I wanted. Pity, for the woman's inability to be loyal to him, presently and probably, in future too. Sadness, for the things that he will never know, but which he deserves to know. Awkwardness, that the only thing that we had in common was that we both once loved the same woman.

I saw him holding his liquor in a glass and I remembered that N had told me that he had quit drinking for her. What bloody nonsense! She obviously overestimated his willingness to change for her.

I walked out of the club and chatted with a few friends at a table outside. When the club was closing, FirstMan walked out, looked directly at me, attempted an uncomfortable smile and acknowledged me. I didn't return the acknowledgement.

I wondered what the acknowledgement was for. Was he trying to tell me that things were okay between him and me?

Was it gratitude, over the fact that he was jolted from an 8-year relationship slumber, into realizing that he loved N and had been taking her granted for too long? I remembered that N related to me that FirstMan had started sending her flowers - something that he had never done before but something which came second nature to me? And she sounded so happy when she told me,....

Was it happiness, that because things didn't work out between N and me, that she's decided to try much harder in her relationship with FirstMan? And now, they'll be engaged at the end of the year and married next year?

I don't know why he acknowledged me, that night. But the truth is, it shouldn't matter. We're just actors that once shared the same page, in my life story . What is important is that N is happy and can be the best person that she can be.


**********************************************************************************

Karaoke on Sunday was the first session organized by the young people's NGO. And to my great surprise, my ex-girlfriend, Ms. Fickle was there.

Ex-girlfriends are an amazing phenomenon, when you meet them again. Often times, you're reminded of the reasons why you fell for them. Everything that used to turn your senses up, return in full force. Her style, her grace, her shoulders, the way she dresses, the sexy stare,....everything brings back a memory.

You remember why you felt for them. You remember why you stopped feeling for them. But you never forget why you were attracted to them in the first place. Attraction remains very much alive. And just the both of you, act like strangers - as if you've never known each other in a past life - even though you were much closer at one time.

And that day, to my great surprise, I found out that Ms. Fickle could sing. Rather well, actually. In some weird way, she became more attractive in my eyes.

But you come to your senses. You remember the times when she changed her mind. You remember the time when she denied the relationship to the whole world. You remember the times, when her actions were absolutely cold. And you also remember, how she repeatedly leaned on you like an emotion pillar, when her cards were down and to walk away again, once she's stronger.

We parted that day like strangers, not former lovers. It's sad, really. To remember why you loved her and to also remember, why you should not. Of things that we once wanted so much and took so much time to get over, but of things that would never be.


***********************************************************************************

And now, YOU. You who came unexpectedly into my life.

You were not even planned. You were incidental to other parts of the original plan. Incidental or not, you were the unintended part of the plan, that I liked.

It's spontaneous, it's natural. Our background are similar in so many ways - I not only understand the context when you explain your past, but I actually know your pain. It's because I've felt it before, in my life too. Our mothers are the same. Our childhood and exposure was the same, even though you were wilder than me.

And now, our marital status is the same. And I'm glad that I could be here for you, walking you through all these familiar steps, making every day of your lonely life, a little lighter and more bearable. I know you love and miss your children and I could never a sufficient substitute. They're your angels and you're their mother.

There are times when you can be a bitch and I think I've told you off, when you are being one. Not that you'll be the first one, to walk into my life and I'm determined to see that you don't walk out of my life being a bitch. And I know your life is complicated - in some senses, even more complicated than N was, to me.

But I am glad that I'm being given the chance to be here for you. Your voice, your smile, your presence, your laughter, your comfort level with me and the way you understand what I'm saying - all of these fills up the empty spaces, in my life. And makes me look forward to another day. Our chemistry is amazing.

I don't know whether this is the right time to start feeling something. By right, I should wait, until all other complications in your life are resolved. By right, I should learn from the episode with N. More so, when your life has been both complicated and complicating.

But you have shown bravery, in an area where N has not. And I am quite sure that one day, when you open up your eyes and realize how sincere my love is and that maybe in some ways, you have always reciprocated - that maybe you'll give me the chance to fill the empty slot, in your life.

And if that point never comes, I will be to you, what I was to N - halfway harbour to the real destination. But while you're harbouring by my side, let me take care of you and you will learn what it is like to be loved unconditionally and in way, unrivalled.

We own nothing in life - everything is just a borrowed compilation of moments, with the people and the things we love. And I thank God, for this moment with you. And if it was meant for me, I pray for many more precious shared moments with you.

Buat Baik Berpada-pada,....

There's something about that peribahasa "buat baik berpada-pada, buat jahat jangan sekali."

And I learnt that hard lesson in the last 2 nights, or so.

That you should choose the people you're kind to. That you shouldn't expect them to reciprocate, much less appreciate, your kindness.

That not everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt. No matter how human they look, no matter how vulnerable their current position, no matter how traumatic their past.

That no matter how hard the situation you're going through, that does not preclude you from being polite and treating guests like guests - especially when they've made the effort to be there, in your moment of need.

That sometimes, the softness they wear as a veneer to the world, is matched by the ruthlessness and insensitivity of their behaviour, to others.

That no price is too big to pay - you can wreck your family and you can wreck the family of others. As long as they have their way in life - everything has a justification.

That if it looks like a corpse and it stinks and rots like a corpse,...it is a corpse.

Think twice. Trust less. And don't start piling your faith in the goodness of people, until you see ample evidence of it. Even then, don't put your trust in them, wholly.

A lot of us can't choose our past nor our families and their circumstances. But we do make choices for our present and our future. Tragedy or emotional difficulties should never be used as an excuse to fail, or screw up in life or to make bad decisions. To fail yourself, your family or to deny or abandon what's right, in the sometimes, selfish pursuit of happiness.

The point of being "blessed" with a traumatic past, is to learn from it be stronger and be better people than those who have let you down - not worst people.

We have been given the capacity and the option to decide - even between right and wrong. No one is entirely a prisoner of their past, if they choose not to be. We are not slaves of things, that came before us.

And believe in karma. As the Alicia Keys song "Karma" goes - "What goes around, comes around, what goes up, must come down,...". I believe in that - no one escapes karma.

In the end, the outcome or consequence of our life, is the benefit or the undoing, of our actions and decisions.

No one should cry over milk that they've spilt, deliberately.