The Burden of Blood

He was the golden child of the family - his mother's favourite. And yet, at the end of her life, he still broke her heart with his actions.

He always liked acting like a rich fellow - but he's drowning in financial debts, yet unrepentant.

Sometimes, he would take loans under the name of others - and yet not pay the loans - and cause severe hardship to others.

He projects himself as a religious fellow, a Syariah legal expert and goes to the Holy Land for the Umrah every year and several times for the Hajj - but he has forged signatures, embezzled the property of others (including his own mother's) without remorse and regret.

He would insist that he has no money to pay his loans - and yet spend lavishly on himself and his own family - and would willingly let others suffer the consequences of his actions. And he blames everything that happens to him on circumstances - the banks, the economy, the business partners - but never himself.

I've been the victims of his actions several times - too many times. I've even forked out money to settle one of his loans under my name.

And many times, his mistakes have cost me dearly - unknowingly to many people, I've had to live a lifestyle that's significantly below my capacity, because of the burden that he has inconsiderately shouldered upon me. Even though my own financial prudence and standing, is sterling.

I've had to suffer in relative silence - sometimes, giving silly excuses to others, which just makes me look plain bad, as a man. Or perceived to be plain broke - even when I'm not.

And many times, I have found the space to still forgive him.

I keep hoping for change, I keep waiting for remorse and God forbid, an apology for all the hurt and detriment that he had caused to my life.

I keep waiting for a clue - that maybe he does give a damn about what he has done to me.

After 6 years, I think my patience has finally found its limit. And I find myself, unable to forgive any further. I feel stupid, both past and present.

I thank God that Mum is not alive to see him turn into this selfish hypocrite who does not give a damn about anyone else and simply does not take responsibility for his actions. He is for all intents and purposes - financially reckless - and seemingly unashamed of it.

As the Malay saying of that contemptuous lifestyle - "biar papa, asal bergaya" - it is the ugliest of Malay traits, other than hasad dengki.


Once again and for the final time - I shall pick up the heavy burden of settling his loan under my name, so that it will not trouble me again in the future.

Enough is enough - after this, he would have lost my respect as not only a younger brother, but also as a human being.

And I hope he obtains God's forgiveness for his utter disregard of me - because he will not have mine, until he changes for the better. And God help him, should he die the same awful person that he is right now. I will never forgive and I remember everything.

Blood is not always thicker than water. And even in families, love and respect must be continously earned - it is not due by birthright.

Today - you have lost me, Abang.

But don't worry, you will not notice - because you've never valued anything that's important, anyway - just the things that make you look distinguished and wealthy, in society's eyes.

I'm Back, Folks!

Salam Aidilfitri to all! Syawal's entry marks the end of a blessed Ramadhan, which has been good and therapeutic for the soul.

After a long hiatus from blogging (which in itself, was part of a healing experience) - I'm back again - hopefully much stronger and wiser.

Many things have changed since the last time I wrote - some for the better, bringing much joy, satisfaction and success - and others not so significant in improvement but meaningful, in the degree of acceptance that I've displayed.


My sadness over the last split-up is quietly and gradually seeping away - and due to the focus on the new job, as the new top dog of the Program, as well as the exit from the old job at the NGO - I've not had the luxury of truly allowing myself to dwell on all that's happened - or to show the real impact of it, on me.

The weight of responsibility and the importance of what I'm currently doing in the larger scheme of things - and the fact that I love this new job and the role that I'm playing in it - all these have acted like an emotional shield and therapy, from me taking the time to fully taste the grief of loss and overcome it.

Right now, there's so much that I'm truly blessed with and the possibilities of change in my life and the impact on others are virtually endless - that even if I'm still alone - I don't feel that I have a right to be sad. Truth of the matter is - that aside from the fact that I'm alone - life is really quite good.

I wish that I had someone to share it with - but like all other things that have come with patience, perseverance and persistence in one's belief - I truly believe, deep inside, that all other things will come - when I'm best ready and most deserving of it.

Despite all that's happened - I'm at the stage of my life where I believe that good things can happen - if you truly believe, if you fight off the temptation to be cynical and shake off the fear of repeated disappointments and get on that saddle again, if you accept that somewhere in the larger and grander scheme of things - things are unfolding exactly, in the way that they they should.

And that things can happen, if you make it happen and God has decided that it's your role to make it happen - it's just that you don't know it yet.

It's hard to explain this source of conviction to many around me - it's almost surreal - but I figured that maybe it's much easier to lead and to show the way, rather than to plead for faith in many - sometimes in places where hope seems to be a dirty word, nowadays.

People prefer the comfort of cynicism to the risk of hope and disappointment, I guess. You can't fall, when you don't even attempt to stand or walk anymore and where the fear of standing up, is placed on the shoulders of the big bad world, out there that has traumatized and victimized you.

And beware of despair - it is the most contagious of mental conditions.

I can understand that - it's the fear of being taken for the fool all over again - but it's hard to explain that the ultimate act of foolishness, is to stop believing in the possibility of change for the better - that circumstances can change, that people can change and that mountains do move, if we persevere and wait for the right moment to move it.

That different ways of doing things, bring about change. That different people doing things, bring about change. That not everyone is created equal - with the same sort of drive and passion to change things.

If you can't (or don't dare to) believe big - then believe small. But leave that space for hope.

It will be the single most important act that you can do - for yourself and for others.

Once again, Salam Aidilfitri to all of you - and do enjoy the blessing of forgiveness, family and friends, as the light of Syawal beckons. :)


p.s. I'm getting myself a Volvo S40 for a birthday present, soon. Time to give myself a treat.

Menambat Rakit

This is one of my favourites from A. Samad Said - it usually consoles me when I'm feling sad or aggrieved - or simply trying to find and chart my way forward.

Play it again, Pak Samad. We never stop learning from you.

**************************

Menambat Rakit

Sesudah demikian lama dicintai,
sukarlah dilupakan,
Inti pengalaman, kepedihan;
akar kerinduan, keresahan

Memang begitu banyak
diperlukan kekuatan. Ke pengkalan
batin rakit ditambatkan,
bara kenangan dikuakkan.

Akhirnya, tak terduga, kekuatan
membuak sendiri. Dan disedari
semua takkan sampai ke dasar inti.

Tiada lagilah bezanya
sama ada hilangnya kemudian
atau tenggelamnya sekarang.

Tiada juga bezanya jika
langsung ia tak datang
atau tiba-tiba terkorban.

Kepiluan yang berlanjut
akhirnya ditenterami
keyakinan betapa dielak pun
takdir,
tetap terbuka pintunya,
bertanya:
Manusia, engkau ini sebenarnya
siapa?


Nukilan:
A. Samad Said
Mac 1985

Of Judging Books and Covers

Be it good or bad - I've hardly ever cared about how I appear to people.

Don't get me wrong - I'll be the first person to ask whether I've offended anyone and I willingly apologize when I think I'm wrong (and a great many times, even when I don't think I'm wrong - when it comes to the people I love) but I've never cared about how I physically appear to people.

And that's pretty strange considering I'm Kelantanese and it's in-built in Kelantanese men to be as shallow as the next man, if not more. Regardless of how much I try to convince other people and myself that I'm not that shallow - but the evidence would work against me, I think. People would think that I expect my partner to be attractive - and maybe they're right.

But the expectation does not extend to myself, somehow. I've never really bothered about keeping up appearances - of attractiveness, of wealth, or to evidence some form of stature, class or breeding.

Yes, I think that manners and humility are pre-requisites to show good breeding but everything else is a bogus indicator - money, big cars, qualifications, fashion, glamour, lineage, cultural snobbery, jingoistic behaviour, displays of overt religiosity or on the flipside, crass and hedonistic libertarianism, ala Western style.

I've always believed in keeping it real. I grew up rejecting Mum's materialistic fervour - we were not from a rich family, but we were far from poor - because I always felt that there was something unreal about the rich families that we hung around with (some of which were my aunties, uncles and cousins) - something pretentious and insecure and constantly asking for "more", in a material sense.

The extravagance seemed fake to me - I was surrounded by people who measured other people by how much money they had. I was repulsed by it - by how status was defined by what you have, instead of who you are.

People seemed to prefer the illusion of stature than the substance of class. People who seemed clever by their collection of academic and professional scrolls, but are short-sighted and almost always, emotionally or socially retarded. Or sometimes, just plain bad.


********************************

I grew up rejecting crass materialism and blind class-consciousness - because I thought it was fake. They didn't seem to have an identity - they were defined by anything and everything that money could buy.

Why should someone respect you just because you have more money? A bigger house? More posh cars than drivers, in the family? Isn't the real measure of wealth more of how a person utilizes that money to contribute and give to others? Isn't the measure of class, how you treat other people - how polite you are? How humble you are? How intelligent or wise you are?

There are loads of people out there living beyond their means on a credit binge - they've got more clothes and cars, than money and they're crippled by debt overhangs. But many people would see the manifestation of wealth - and think they're rich.

(I should know - my brother's exactly like that. Lebih baju dari badan - and most of the time, the extra cloth will come at someone else's expense)

It never made any sense to me - although I see droves of people who live their lives by ostentation and a material yardstick. So, I rejected it.

Of course, one has to be true to oneself. That's the easy part. The hard part about being true to oneself is when the principles you live by, are not understood by others. And it affects how they treat and perceive you.

I used to think that it didn't matter. If people judge a book purely by its cover - then they're not very intelligent people and there's nothing to lose by not keeping their company.


**********************

But maybe it does matter.

Maybe you can't entirely reject the values revered by your society - simply because they have no other lenses, to look at it from. Just because I decided to be different - doesn't mean that they will understand - or accept it.

No man is an island. All our actions and consequences are inter-related.

I've always been an avid observer and thinker of cause and consequence - constantly trying to understand why people (or society for that matter) are, the way they are.

Everyone is a product of inter-relationships - with family and loved ones, with friends, colleagues, etc - and the experiences that have arisen from them. The only thing that differentiates us, is how we let events (or the people) that happen to us, shape our lives, perceptions and outlook.


And recently, I found out that sometimes, things that we don't care about - may actually come back and haunt us.

For one, I've never cared whether I appeared to have money, to other people. It's a personal matter and none of their business.

Even if I out-earned them, or if I had more savings and investments than them, I had more assets and less debts than they do and even times of big fat salaries or bonuses - I have never let it shape, how I appear to other people.

And where I can financially help, I have helped - to both the deserving, the undeserving and the ingrates.


But I want people to like me for what's inside - for the person that I am, for my interests and passions, for my humour and laughter, for how I treat other people, for the advice and counsel I give them, for the non-judgemental listener when they're in a bad spot and for the times that I've been there, when it counts.

These are the things that matter to me. Not for what I wear, what car I drive, how big my house is, how big a corporate my employers are or how many overseas holidays I take a year. What's that got to do with anything?

But I forgot one thing - you don't change the yardstick of the world, just by rejecting it.

Regardless of how you feel about it - people will still judge you by the yardstick which they've always measured everything.


And your rejection of those values - the only perception that it serves to create, is the wrong one. By totally rejecting those values - you put yourself at a handicap, in the eyes of the world. Sometimes, it's more rational to the world to be financially irrational or to just stick to society's norms. Risk being the exception - and in their eyes, you're either a fool or a charlatan.

If you're financially prudent and you time your major purchases to get the best value possible - they think you're poor.

If you give up a high paying job on principles - you can only be stupid, because the alternative is unthinkable to them.

If you're not showy and you don't stay in a posh office because you believe that it's best to be prudent with your organization's monies - they think you're poor. Or worse, a con man, perhaps hiding in some shady corner of officedom.

If you work from a home office, they think you're a bum - despite the fact that work deadlines are being met, projects are running, tangible results are produced and money's being made for the organization.

If you prefer to work for an NGO and have rejected a five-figure salary job 3 times, because you value being effective and not just being a cog in the wheel - you're either a liar or stupid, or both.

If you don't drive and you take public transport - they think you're poor.

If you have 2 condos and don't drive - they think you're either poor, a liar or must be leeching off a rich family or someone else. Forget economic cycles, easy loans and financial management - it's easier to believe the worst, of someone - rather than find a rational explanation.

If you don't dress well, you don't eat at posh places to be seen, you like your T-shirts and slippers and your home doesn't look like an interior designer has been in it - you must be poor.


These are facts, folks - the cover is a very important of the book.

It's the first thing that catches their eye - and without further perusal - it is the only thing that plays on the emotions, persuading purchase.

And if you choose to have a cover that's not mainstream and is rarely understood or accepted - you will pay the price, ultimately.

Most people will never look beyond the cover of the book, to see what's inside. They've judged you from your appearance and that's all they need to know. They've made up their minds about you.


If you choose to be different - prepare to be left a lonely dusty book on the bookshelf of life. And you have no one else to blame, but yourself - because no matter how you explain it, the world will never see it from your perspective.

They don't know how to.

So, stop arguing with the world and sell out on your freaky individualistic tendencies.

If it takes a BMW to get some decent respect out here, then please go get one - even if you can't really afford one (hell, some of my friends do it!).

And never let an idealistic fool like me, convince you otherwise. Forget the book - the people of today buy covers. You're better off just being a glossy magazine.

Author! Author! (At least for a few pages!)

I'm tingling with excitement!

This must be how an author feels to see his words in print, immortalized in a book. It's surreal and larger than life.

I was at the grand book launch of Datuk Liberal today. I'm one of his ghost writers for one of the chapters which is combined and co-written with another lady friend, Lady Primera (not her real name).

At least an entire section (and one-third of the chapter, of at least 6-8 pages) was written by me - my words, my points, my arguments. It's great to see my work in print, in a proper book. :) It beats cyberspace, hands down!

Of course, what disappointed me was that Lady Primera and I were the only ghost writers that were not indirectly acknowledged in a footnote somewhere, by Datuk Liberal.

But whatever disappointment I felt on that point was offset by the book foreword written by Tun Never Primus (not his real name), one of my favourite Malaysian statesman other than Tun Mahathir - which complimented and highlighted our particular chapter - and in particular, the section which I wrote.

That was probably the biggest compliment that I (or we) could ever receive. Our thoughts acknowledged by Tun Never Primus - immortalized in the foreword of the book! :) I was overjoyed!

It doesn't matter if no one else knows. I know, Lady Primera knows, our fellow ghost writers know and so do some close friends. No one can take that away from me. :)

Just when I thought that life has ceased to be novel and interesting - something comes along and surprises me and gives me a whole new kick!

And of course, I contemplate the idea - what about writing a book of my own, one day?

The itch is there and the voice echoes in my head - author! author!

Why not? :)

Sunsets of August

I am by no means, superstitious - but August is usually a month of emotional misfortune for me.

So much so, that I begin to expect something to happen, each time August is here - it's like an August emotional "sunset".

I lost both my parents in the month of August, though 19 years apart - but the date of their funerals are only 3 days apart - one on the 21st and the other on the 24th.

I separated from my ex-wife in August, of a few years ago. I lost my first-ever serious relationship of 7 years, in August too, many, many years ago.

The Program was informally taken over by The Company in August of a few years ago, too.

And by the way things look right now - the August emotional "sunset" is about to repeat itself again.

If I wasn't so used to it by now, the regularity would be disturbing.

But this time, it came with a few more signs - it was foreseeable that things could end with a heartbreak - maybe on both sides.

I even had a dream about it - that I lost both my front teeth (which is usually a dream, warning me about impending death of a close one - an ability I've had since I was a young child, before my father passed away) and when I turned the tooth over to the other side - there was a heart beating there.

I took it as a premonition of the death of a relationship. Maybe it's not fated yet, I told myself - sometimes, men are given premonitions in order to change the outcome of what could come.

But by now, I should know better. The dreams are never wrong.

***********************************

At my age (and with the wealth of experience, I've had in relationships) - post-mortems are a little passe.

It's like revisiting an old playground, trying to find something new, each time - sooner or later, you find that there's nothing new to discover anymore. All playgrounds are somewhat similar in layout and playground toys.

After a while, it becomes all too familiar - you spot a pattern from a far away - sometimes, you don't even have to be looking in the playground anymore, to understand what has happened.

When a kid injures himself in a playground, it's always for the same reasons - they only hurt themselves when they choose to ignore age-old advice on being careful and learning the proper way to climb onto a see-saw or a swing or a slide. There's a natural order that must flow and be understood so that kids don't injure themselves, or other kids, for that matter.

It's when kids ignore these rules - and think themselves superhuman beyond the reach of playground rules and being hurt - that a fall usually happens. And a great big mighty injury, too. A deep wound or gash - perhaps, even resulting in a lasting scar.

And if one day, the kid learns the correct way to be in a playground - he may actually have fun without hurting himself. He must accept that he is not superhuman - his reach is finite, his enthusiasm blinding, his patience, not as unlimited as he thinks.

Otherwise, he will hurt himself. Again and again and again.

***************************

The thing about making (many) mistakes in one's life on a regular basis and learning from them - is that it teaches you to recognize what mistakes look and feel like.

As the mind tries to isolate each new situation to be fair to new people and situations, the heart and the hurt it feels, never lies and never forgets. You never forget how people made you feel. And from it, you learn to recognize general patterns of human behaviour and reactions - by trial and error.

It's important that we learn from past mistakes - to avoid future ones. Yes, our fate is partly in our hands, due to the persuasion of effort - but do recognize what it takes for something to work and whether the correct pre-conditions are there.

Some things fit. Some things don't - and some things will always refuse to fit and remain rigid and non-adaptive, stuck in a worldview that only invites conceit, selfishness and misery.

And over time, due to self-knowledge and awareness - and the understanding and empathy of many other types of human behaviours - you will instinctively know what works, what doesn't and what it takes to make something difficult work.

You understand more and you blame (yourself and others) less - it's not about finger-pointing and winning arguments - it's about thinking as "we" instead of just "me".

Call it survival instincts - you may, in spirit, be willing to traverse through all these mighty challenges and obstacles in your way- but your heart and mind, has conspiratorially decided that it's not willing to take the battle scars, anymore.

And there comes a certain point - when you have to let go - because the situation warrants it and it is beyond your reach.

As you get older and as your lifespan gets shorter - the ability to give up on the wrong path, is just as important, as the ability to persevere on the right one.

Learn it well - for it may save you much grief, in what remains of your life.

********************

August - your sunset is upon me now, again. I am learning your bitter lesson and I shall survive this severely traumatic episode - tired, but hopefully, not broken.

And God - it is Your infinite wisdom that I always look to, for the greater purpose and understanding, of all the sunsets that happen. I don't yet know why - but I have faith, that You know what's best for me.

Meanwhile, God - give me strength and patience for all the uncertain days ahead. And I plead to You for pockets of blessings and happiness, in the journey ahead - until I'm at the place where I'm meant to be.

InsyaAllah.

Of Ambition and Family Work/Life Balance

What exactly does work/life balance mean to you?

Ask this question of a number of family men (or women) and it is likely that the variety of answers that you get will be in the tens to twenties. Don't ask them a vague question - ask them to break it down into hours of a day and ask them to illustrate where they think the balance lies.

It's simple to see why. It could be the type of job or occupation you're in.

A merchant banker does not have the same hours as a civil servant. An advertising executive has different time and deadline pressure points than a civil engineer. A business owner could end up being more of a time slave to his business than an employee to his employer. Those selling consumer products would have a different business schedule than someone chasing up or lobbying a Government tender.


It could be because you've got different ambitions, priorities and goals in life, within different time ranges.

Some young ones want to make millionaire or retire at 40, some are climbing the corporate ladder, some want to grow a multi-million dollar business, some just want to make a comfortable upper middle-class life though not necessarily wealthy, some just want a simple 9-5 job which allows them plenty of time with the family.

Some want good health and little stress, most want the best quality education obtainable for their children and many want to keep up the status game, despite living a life of negative credit and in a constant cashflow crunch.

The definition of work/life balance differs from person to person.

It's related to what's important to you. It's tied to what you like doing and what you're good at. It's tied to the circumstances or environment of your chosen profession, which perhaps, you have no control over. It's tied to the level of income, wealth and affluence that you see yourself enjoying.

It's tied to what you're willing or unwilling to compromise with regards to yourself, your children, your spouse or maybe even your parents. And sometimes, to lead a more balanced and God-conscious life.

Human wants and needs are unlimited and are never identical.

At most, it is aligned in definition - but the details have to be worked out, especially within the members of the same family.

And most of the time - despite all good intentions, the ideal scenario is never achieved - there will be some point in time (especially with high-achievers and ambitious types) where a compromise has to be made - where the best case scenario is probably what is achievable and not what is possible.

The secret to a happy family work/life balance is to do your best to achieve a common aligned target, but to allow some latitude when you're slightly off-target, due to circumstances beyond your control.

Life is not mathematics - it's not an exact science. Family relationships are almost always a give and take between what is attempted, achieved, missed and compensated for.

At the end of the day, you measure the bigger picture, as opposed to the minute details of what hit and what missed. The question that should be asked is: in the bigger picture of trying our best to be fair to all family members, has the substance (as opposed to form) of balance been achieved?

Sincerity does not lie. Generosity of love and affection shines through even the busiest of people, if they're committed to a family or love relationship.

Appreciation of the effort of others is the greatest key in optimizing the strength of love, family relationships and effort. Empathy makes it a perfect package - when you can put yourself in the other's shoes - and try to relate to a situation that you cannot possibly understand, but may be able to accept.


************************************

While I was in the car with Ervan today, I asked him to give me a time breakdown of what he thought was an ideal work/life balance of of a busy professional family man/woman in KL.

He paused for a while - and came up with this: "Pure focused productive work between 9-5 p.m. Family time with kids between 6-9 p.m., which are important. If the situation really warrants it, work from home between 9-12 p.m. (where you're not made to go back to the office) and make sure you shut down from working, at midnight".

I thought he defined his ideal rather well - he recognized the need for a KL professional to work beyond the confines of the 8-hour day. He allocated the daily quality time for family and if work needed to be done, it should be done from the confines of home.

And this no working beyond midnight rule - it's definitely good for husband/wife relationships - if they were regular hours sort of people, at least, they'd be going to bed (or be in bed) at the same time. Couples need time to relate to one another - even if it be in their sleeping time.

*********************************

But ideal scenarios aside, achieving the family work/life balance always requires a continuing compromise - because almost always, working situations are never ideal.

You are almost always, (even if not subject to your own internal self-esteem needs/ambition/targets) subject to the dictates of your environment - your clients, your business partners, the need to network for business at evening functions, the deadlines set by others, the delays and crisis caused by others (which you have to compensate for or fix), the last minute orders from your superiors, the exams you have to study for and pass, the promotion that you're vying for, etc. All these requires managing, on a best efforts basis.

And it is within this dynamic and constantly shifting context - that family work/life balance tries to realize itself, built on a foundation of love and often, the most noble and unselfish of intentions, for other than oneself.

There will be times when you will feel overwhelmed - and you will feel that everything is working against you - in trying to be the best person/husband/wife/father/mother/provider you can be.

I remember what it was like in my days in the merchant bank - 14-20 hour days, slogging over financial and regulatory paperwork, which never seems to end. Endless days of never seeing the sunset. Coming out of the office mostly close to or way after midnight - often exhausted, and undirectedly angry or upset, at your lot in life.

I remember getting upset a lot (and perhaps, looking down) at other Joe Families who had regular 9-5 jobs. I felt indignant that they were so "lazy". I felt that they were not tough enough, to go what I went through.

And I was constantly upset at people who did not understand my situation and exhaustion - I found them petty and I swear that within a distant corner of my mind - I felt that their work was not as important as mine, in the larger scheme of things. I did not understand why they did not cater to my needs - the needs of someone who obviously works harder than all of them. I felt tougher than them - and at the very least, superior in work rate and effort.

I was being a prat. Make that I was being an ABSOLUTE prat. I was so full of myself - and I took the care and love of others around me, for granted - even the Mum I hardly saw. I was stuck in a job I hated, driven purely by the glamour and the money.

I was unhappy with the circumstances of my life - yet I felt that life (and loved ones) owed me a living, because I was working so damn hard - they probably can't even imagine the exhaustion of the daily grind.

But I missed out on one major point - I CHOSE to be there - no one forced me to. If anything, loved ones and others had to adapt to my choice and they did so, without complaint and extending the lengthiest of efforts to put up with my exhaustion tantrums.

And the truth of it is this - I can now empathize with those who are doing long hours, by choice - I have been there and done that.

Whether it is worth it - is a question that can only be personally answered by each different individual going through such things - we are all different.

But what is apparent is this - family and loved ones puts up with the choices that we make (despite them, not understanding it) and tries their best to be understanding of the situation.

Appreciate them - because they're trying their best.

Appreciate them - because they're not there by their choice, but yours.

Appreciate them - because it is their love for you that makes them endure all of it, for your happiness.

Behind every successful man/woman - there is a family of unsung heroes that has sacrificed parts of what makes an ideal life to them. Recognize them - for no ambitious family man/woman, is succesful on his own, without the collective sacrifice of others in the family.

And THAT is Love. Pure, simple and unquestioningly blind.

Here Comes The Bride!

Hello folks! Am back from Shanghai - well, actually, I got back close to 5 days ago.

First, the good news, as an outcome from the Shanghai outing - I'm getting engaged in a few months and I'm getting married in the first half of next year! :)

I'm very excited and so is the future Mrs. Stingray. She's lovely - in all senses of the word.

The best things in life are pleasant surprises - when happiness walks in unexpectedly, when you're not really looking. I guess there is no grander plan in our lives other than God's plan, for us. I continue to be humbled by His continuous blessings and grateful for it all.

Yes, married life will bring with it some changes and I guess I'm more prepared now for those changes to happen.

As a wise elderly lady in Shanghai said to me: "As we age, we must move towards goodness and all things which improve us, as a person. We must not let our ego stand in the way".

How true. Although I'm probably one of the most self-reflective people I know, but there have been certain things that I've held on to all these years, which I've been reluctant to let go of. Maybe it's the refusal to age gracefully, maybe it's the desire to hang on to the remnants of a misspent youth.

But many of these things that I've hung on to, in these last few years - have ceased to be meaningful to me. It's like I do it because the repetition makes me feel secure that life will remain the same and nothing upsetting will happen to make it worse.

And I'm ready to give all of those things up for a greater joy, a greater meaning in a greater lifetime sharing that looks very, very promising.

Thank you, Mrs Stingray - for your willingness to share your life with me.

Thank you to your parents and siblings, for their warm and welcoming acceptance, of me - and my future role as your husband.

Thank you, God - for happiness that I've waited for, for a very long time. And for providing a deeper meaning to this existence. Your bounty knows no limits.

And Mum - your last amanat before your passing on, will finally be fulfilled.

Please have no fear anymore for me spending the rest of my life, alone. She's lovely, committed, hardworking and a wonderful companion - you would have been proud of my choice, Mum.
I know it.

So, InsyaAllah - here comes the bride!

Leaving for Shanghai

Tonight, I leave for Shanghai, with much anticipation and excitement. :)

Love awaits me. :) And perhaps, the future too.

Will be out of touch for a while, folks. Take care and I'll talk to you soon, when I'm back.

Love and Shanghai Awaiting

Just one more week from now, I will be in Shanghai with (God willing) the future Mrs Stingray and her family. :)

(Before anyone wonders - yes, she is Malaysian - it's a long story)

I won't lie about it - I'm excited as hell! :) Giddy, in fact - am counting the hours! :D


This trip to Shanghai will be meaningful, in more ways than one.

It's a time for us to be together and to plan in detail, for her return to Malaysia soon. And for our future plans, together.

It's a time for me to get to know people, who may become my family members soon.

And as a bonus - it's my first trip to China and I've always been fascinated by the city that has been claimed to be the "New York of The East".

There's much to celebrate and to be thankful for.

Thank you, God.

Despite all the challenges that you've thrown me, in the last few months (and years) - the blessings of love now bestowed upon me, is more than what I could ever expect. She is totally committed and unrelenting in her love - and I'm lucky that she chose me.

See you soon, Mrs Stingray! :) I love you with all my heart.

Why People Hate You

Most of the time, I know why the people who hate me, hate me.

And that's good enough for me.

Not all human beings are meant to get along, not everyone is aligned in values and outlook in life, not everyone's demeanour is well-matched to make them friends - sometimes, they just simply rub other people the wrong way. Or they're just opposed to each other in all the core stuff that matters.

And that's okay too. I tend to stay away from the people I hate - or those who hate me. It's simple.

Although very, very occasionally - I find someone who pretends to like me, but actually hates me.

Who says nice things to my face and puts me down (in major and minor matters) in front of others. A person who calls me "brother" - but treats me like a villain, in secret.

It's even more puzzling to me, when I've thrown some major growth opportunities his way - and have paved the path for him, should he want to grow as a leader of others.

Maybe even throw him a financial lifeline, when he needed one, because I saw his potential - when others did not (and they constantly question me "why did you pick him?" - and I reply "because he has potential that he doesn't yet know about"). But the truth is - potential is just an imagined thing, unless and until it's actually realized.

Someone whom I've been there to witness some of the major moments in life. Someone whom whenever he organized a function, I would make it a point to turn up, to support it.


Why would someone I have treated that well, like that spit in my face (or worse, to my back?) I'm not expecting truckloads of gratitude, but some decency and due respect, would be nice.

Maybe it was something I did - though I wish he would tell me - although I don't remember a single moment, when I've ever wanted to hurt him.

Maybe it's my nature that he hates - but he could at least, tell it to my face, before he tells the rest of the world.

Maybe I should stop giving the benefit of the doubt, to people who tear me to shreds and who attempt to pour sand into my rice bowl.

Because that's not what friendship is - and it's even further from brotherhood.

As a close colleague once remarked "brotherhood is when we build upon each other" - it obviously is a 2-way street - it must be reciprocal.

You can't be friends - with someone who in essence, by the way he treats you - despises you. No matter what your good intentions are.

You know what the sad part is? - even after I clearly know what he's up to, to damage me - I still don't have the heart to retaliate or to sever ties. :(

And that, objectively speaking - makes me a very big fool. An absolute idiot.

I will not deal with you for your actions, brother - but God will.

When Good Sense Prevails

Mr Default has been put in his place by the Council members and perhaps, his egotistical power-crazy ways have been curbed.

I must say that I was quite surprised by Council's decision - I had given up all hope and had almost prepared my resignation letter.

But thank God for The NGO, good sense prevailed - and my faith in the collective wisdom of the Council, is somewhat restored.

I was afraid that the courage to stand up and be fair and just, was lacking, by the majority - after all the seat of the presidency is a powerful seat and to gamble against it, would make someone either brave or foolish.

I was wrong - and I've never been SO glad to be proven wrong, before.

There are moments in life, when you remember why you started on this journey and why you continue fighting the good fight, in the stubborn and obstinant way that you do.

For me, this is certainly one of them. It gives me strength to keep on fighting and to do the right thing.

Might isn't always right. Occasionally, right proves to be far mightier than might.

Staking Everything, Again

Every few corners or so, life throws me a horrid turbulence that challenges me to stake everything I have, on a single belief of doing the right thing.

The first time round, with The Program, I lost everything I had created. I lost my job and a comfortable five-figure salary. I stood on a principle and did not bow, to intimidation or succumb to temptations of promotions offered, in order for me to "sell-out".

It was important not to "sell-out" - at the paramount of my considerations, were the people in the industry we represented - it was an important fight, that must be fought.


I fought the people who had taken away The Program from me, tooth and nail, claws and fangs. Some have paid dearly with the jobs and some, with their reputation.

2+ years later, everything I predicted came true - that The Company would eventually fail, in administering The Program.

The Company had let go of The Program, finally waving the white flag and admitting defeat - deep inside, they knew they had no business taking over The Program - and in fact, under their charge, had brought The Program to its knees. Never ask vultures to take care of a hatchery.

The Program is a mere shadow of what it used to be - as the Malay saying goes "hidup segan, mati tak mahu" and it now lives under the threat of being made irrelevant by a more quantum-driven, market-savvy, albeit inferior, Copycat Program.

Today, The Program has become independent - in all senses of the word. And they are now searching for a new leader. I hope that they will find someone that will drive The Program, to be what it should be.

Maybe then, it would be worth the price of my sacrifice.

****************

Today, I find myself at the same corner - this time with The NGO.

I can see the disaster coming a mile away, under Mr Default.

And in a way, it was my biggest mistake - because I helped put him there. I have found that when it comes to picking leaders (or sometimes, even grooming leaders) more often than not, my choices are wrong. Dead wrong.

Today, Mr Default has not only brought in all the undemocratic values of shutting people out who disagree with him, but he has created an ungentlemanly absolute control environment which attempts to emasculate The Council and The Secretariat. He does it in a cloak of silence, every step of the way.

And for the 2nd time, I find myself risking everything again on point of principle - my job, my salary, my reputation - to fight against the tyranny of one, possibly unwittingly endorsed by the fear of many.


I may lose again - but just like the first time, I know that I'm not wrong in reading the situation. It's just a matter of time, before the collapse sets in.

But I guess the difference is this: the first time round, I (and The Program) was victimized by people whom were not on the same side, as I.

But the second time round, I am victimized by people on the same side of the fence. People who should know better and have a higher sense of responsibility and integrity. People who, like I, represent others - but perhaps, some of them have forgotten.

And this second blow, hurts me greatly. The hurt is perhaps, greater than the first time round.

******************

There is always a price, to believing in something - and more so, when you strictly choose to stand by those beliefs.

And if you choose to stand for something, you must always be prepared to pay the price for it.

The rewards are hardly attractive - a clear conscience, good sleep and the knowledge that you had done your best, to do what's right. No regrets.

And don't forget - the opportunity to lose everything.

It's not everyone's cup of tea, believe me.

If one must climb, it is better to climb a ladder that is leaning against the right wall.

It's not just about climbing - it's also about knowing where the wall and ladder leads, so that you may know where it's going - before you lead others there.

I'm not afraid to put everything on the line again - but some things are worth fighting for, because they bring great benefit to many.

Remember who you are, remember who you represent and remember your responsibilities.

And never break the amanah of the collective, because we're afraid to be impolite to a wayward individual leader.

Leaders: Looking on The Pride Side

The events of the last few days, within The NGO, have been sobering.

It was foreseeable that it would escalate up to this point, but the twist and turn of events, have been nothing short of shocking.

Since my student leader days till today - I've seen many sort of leaders come and go. But the most regular cause of downfall for a leader, is still pride.

Pride which causes them to "smoke their own dope" or believe in their own hype and illusions. And worse, their own truth and facts - and they refuse to listen to (or even consider) another perspective or point of view.

It's true what Saidina Ali once said: "The loneliest of solitude is conceit".

If you'd like to know how fast a leader will fall, measure his ego and compare it to the level of his humility. That should give you an indication - if the former is much higher than the latter - he's on his way down.

Talent and ability alone is never enough. You need also moral and intellectual integrity, humility, hard work, good instincts and a strong sense of responsibility.

You must be confident enough of your own abilities, but always consider the opinion of others and never forget to question or review your own assumptions - at the very least, occasionally, you must entertain the thought that you could be wrong.

If instead, you let pride be your guide - you will find yourself lost, on the wrong side.

The Joy of Good Things

She passed her exams today and she's now a full-fledged surgeon. :)

It's all the more special, because it's been a nerve-wracking day for her and she had a feeling that she was going to fail. There's no sweeter triumph than to be wrong, on that count.

I'm so happy for her and so proud of her - no words come close to describing it. I hear the sheer joy in her voice and I want more of good things for her - because she truly deserves it. Sometimes, good girls do win and can have it all.

And I remember saying a silent prayer - that I hope I deserve her. And if I'm not there yet, may God help me, along every step of the way.

I have no idea why her heart is with me - but I'm counting my blessings, that it is. Neither of us know, how we got here - but we're happy. There's a part of me that's afraid to hope - but certainly not afraid to live through this with her.

These are the moments that one should live for - simple, sincere, reciprocal, giving, uncomplicated and almost to a great extent, unconditional.

It's like we're passengers, in a car with Fate in the driving seat - and enjoying every moment, every shred of joy, of that drive. It's probably better than anything we could have possibly planned, on our own.


InsyaAllah - all will be well.

Emotional Fasting - Ended

The target was for the emotional fasting to last, till after Raya. The bad news is that it won't last that long.

The good news is that I'm in a happy place for now, emotionally and I'm giving up the fast for something that's very promising and holds a lot of potential, for the future.

It's too hard to explain to people - so I shall not. I'll tell everyone after it all sounds a bit more normal.

All you need to know is that I'm happy. Very. :)

It's true what they say - when you least expect it, it creeps up on you.

Patah Yang Tersembunyi

Tiap langkah ke depan
ku rasa makin sesat
Semakin tua, semakin matang
tapi bagai menggapai bahagia
yang tidak
mungkin

Tiap hari berlalu
aku merayu menahan masa
untuk tunggu,
jangan persiakan mudaku
dalam hanyut hidup
sebatang kara

Tiap minggu berlalu
Dalam tiap kejayaan bermakna
yang terasa kosong,
kerna tiada cinta 'tuk merai
bersama,
Aku patah di dalam

Tiap bulan berlalu
Dimamah usia
dengan hidup lakonan berulang
tanpa arah,
Berlari dari realiti
kehidupan pincang

Tiap tahun berlalu
Aku persoalkan, ya Tuhan
arti ujian dan
takdirMu bagiku,
Aku bagai retak dalam sempurna,
patah yang tersembunyi

Separuh hayat telah ku sampai,
Masih mencari akhir garisan
dugaan Mu,
Dalam sabar terhakis haus,
dipangku bara harapan
yang makin malap

Mungkinkah aku
diantara insan
yang akan ajal semangatnya
sebelum hayatku?
Ya Tuhan,
Aku masih menunggu jawapan.



Nukilan:
Stingrayz
1 Jun 2007

Just Love The Child

It was a pretty heavy conversation to have after watching Shrek 3 - but I guess both of us were feeling in that mood.

Zelda (not her real name) was pouring out her concerns and worries to me - about being a divorcee with a child - and how she regrets the circumstances that she feels that she's put the child through - not having a father or a constant father figure in his life.

From the way she related the story, it sounded like she blamed herself - even if the divorce was not her fault.

And she felt it a double whammy - being a product of a divorced family herself - and remembering how tough and awkward surviving public perception can be - and the "menumpang kasih" bit, with other people's families - wanting to belong, but knowing that you're not quite "in" the family.

But we did acknowledge that times have changed - and that children are less awkward nowadays (and sometimes, rather cheerful), about telling others about the state of their broken family - perhaps, a sign of the growing acceptance of divorces, within society - especially within the post-Merdeka "baby boom" generation.


*************************************

I pointed out to Zelda that coming from a broken or divorced family (at least, a civil one) may be the short-end of the stick in one sense - but it may be a hidden blessing in other ways.

Children with challenging family backgrounds generally do have a capacity to mature faster and understand more, than adults give them credit for. They empathize better with others and most times, they're less judgemental (unless they've got deep-seated insecurities, which they refuse to acknowledge). They're more resilient and not so easily rattled by the often disappointing nature of ordinary people.

Sometimes, they learn to value the important things more - like love, respect and commitment - because they try so hard to gain, what they've never had. And some make exceptional parents (even exceptional single parents) because of the love and stability they never had.

Of course, there are side-effects - not all products of a divorced family turn out well. Some carry the scars with them, all throughout their lives.

Some have problems trusting or letting go of themselves sufficiently to love, almost afraid to be happy, for fear of being vulnerable to heartbreaks and letdowns. Some just go on a destructive path and not understand the meaning of the word commitment, much less its observance.

Some just choose the wrong man/woman for all wrong reasons, as if compensating and in substitution, for the sort of man they feel they should not go for. And some - choose to be with exactly the sort of destructive man/woman - which ended the marriage of their own parents - almost like a suicidal pattern.


But this is not to say that if you're divorced, your children will end up in a bad way. And there's no reason we should believe so. Many products of divorced families go on to become exceptional lovers/spouses/parents - and it is due to their difficult past experiences.

It's not about quantity of people - it's about the quality of love given. A single parent that is focusedand showers constant love on a child, is better than having a set of parents, that are neither attentive or supportive.

So, this is what I say, Zelda - you're an exceptional person who have survived many challenges and you always want the best for your child. From the way you speak of him, he is the center of your universe, the only blessing from an unfortunate set of marital circumstances.

Just love your child - there's more than enough love there, that he will never feel short of. Perhaps the guilt or regrets never really do go away, but it's not what happens to you (or your child) that makes your life - it's what you make happen, as well.

The Song Playing In My Head,....

This song by John Mayer, sometimes describes what I feel about Malaysia.

Perhaps, in all parts of the world, there will be those of us who are waiting on the world to change,.....and some of us who are moving the world to change, in our own small ways. To each, his own shoes to fill.

*****************

Waiting On The World To Change

me and all my friends
we're all misunderstood
they say we stand for nothing and
there's no way we ever could
now we see everything that's going wrong
with the world and those who lead it
we just feel like we don't have the means
to rise above and beat it

so we keep waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

it's hard to beat the system
when we're standing at a distance
so we keep waiting
waiting on the world to change
now if we had the power
to bring our neighbors home from war
they would have never missed a Christmas
no more ribbons on their door
and when you trust your television
what you get is what you got
cause when they own the information, oh
they can bend it all they want

that's why we're waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

it's not that we don't care,
we just know that the fight ain't fair
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

and we're still waiting
waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting waiting on the world to change
one day our generation
is gonna rule the population
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

The Best Male Friend To Women Award?

If there is an award that I could probably vie for and comfortably win, it's the award for being the best male friend to a woman.

There are many women who think I'm a great listener. They think I give good advice, despite my own life, being a distinct mess. They think I'm reliable and that I'm there for them, most of the time - especially when it counts. My shoulders have been a crying point, for many.

They say I'm fun to be around. They say I'm nice and a gentleman. They say they enjoy the intelligence, the warmth, the clownish company. A few of them look up to me like a brother figure and some, like a leader figure.

Sometimes, some of them say that any girl would be lucky to have me. And that some fine day, some lucky girl out there, will be. This "lucky" girl might as well be a leprechaun for all I care - it's almost become a fictional notion.

I suppose, one could take all these things as compliments - if one thought it was true.

But I honestly don't. I'm not sure if it's sympathy or people just being nice to me.

Because if I'm all that - then how come none of the people whom I like (and whom also says all these sweet nothings) would never want me for themselves?

It's that feeling I'm getting nowadays.

Good enough to be every girl's close (or best) friend, but never their lover.

That's the truth that bothers me. And maybe that's the reason why I don't try anymore.

It's because you know you've become extremely good, at something - and perhaps, as a result, totally awful at the other.

Maybe it's true, maybe it's not. Not that I know any better. The last time a woman I was totally crazy about, truly wanted to be my wife - was just way too long, ago.

And it's so far back in my life, it' beginning like a "fluke" phase that will never happen again.

For all the spectacular things that I can do - something that comes naturally to others - comes as such a struggle, to me.

And I have no idea why.