Parliament House - What a Buzz!

Najah told me that I should start writing, about something more upbeat. I agree. I think I want to get off matters of the heart for a while. A long while.

So, I'm going to tell you about the session I had in Parliament House yesterday. It gave me an absolute buzz!

A few days back, I was invited by Dato' Role Model to a meeting headed by one of the Backbencher's Club bureaus in Parliament - to represent the state of my industry and to highlight how the Government can help out.

I was pretty excited - the Backbenchers Club was full of Members of Parliament who were without Executive posts in the Government. Theoretically (though not really in all cases), they were supposed to be impartial on issues and represented the internal check and balance for the Government, within Parliament.

It was a chance for me and my organization, to help our elected representatives highlight and focus on key policy and implementation issues and measures to be taken, in my industry to Parliament or the right people within Government.

As I stepped into Parliament House during late morning yesterday, the place was a hive of activity. On my left was the Parliament Coffee House and on my right was a row of posh-looking leather seats where the MPs or any other relevant parties could discuss the issues of the day. On the left upper walls, were the portraits of the previous Agongs and on the right upper walls, there were portraits of previous political leaders.

Ever since I was a kid, I always had a knack for remembering the names and faces of people who were involved in the Government, policy or corporate circles. I'm not quite sure why (probably, it was the geek in me) - but I liked remembering people's names, faces, who they were, what they did and what they said.

So, walking in Parliament House, was particularly interesting to me. The in-house Parliament TV was blaring, with the debates going on within Dewan Rakyat. I saw Dato' Zaid Ibrahim, the MP for Kota Bharu, who usually represents the more liberal views within the party.

I saw Dato Awang Adek Hussein, former BNM rising star, now the 2nd most powerful politician in Kelantan. He was sitting in the luxurious Coffee House, watching the debates intently on TV, with a few other MPs. Dato' Seri Samy Vellu and his MIC posse breezed by, smiling and shaking hands with the MPs that walked up to him.

I saw Tengku Adnan Tengku Mansor, a very strong Mahathir loyalist and UMNO stalwart and a prominent director in Berjaya Group, under Tan Sri Vincent Tan. I can't remember whether he's holding a Cabinet post now, he might be.

I saw YB Wong Nai Chee, "Giantkiller" MP of Kota Melaka who had defeated the former DAP Secretary General, Kerk Kim Hock and sent him packing into political retirement. He greeted me with warmth, as just 2 nights before, we were at the same Roundtable, where I was moderating a session on the issue of "Sekolah Kebangsaan and Sekolah Jenis Kebangsaan Cina". The Roundtable was fantastic, but that's a story for another day.

Immaculately dressed political secretaries/special assistants were shuffling along the walkway, busy preparing stuff for their Ministers. Some of them were certainly better dressed than their Ministers. :)

One of them recognized me and stopped to ask, what I was doing there. His Minister almost offered me a Special Assistant post - but I was too outspoken for the Minister's liking. Perhaps, it was because I would have preferred the Minister's job.

Some friends from the local press were also there, to cover Dato' Khaled Nordin's announcement on bus and taxi fares.

Dato Role Model said to me, "You know, Stingray, like you there are lobbyists here too. There's even an informal lobbyist corner in the coffee house. But the difference is: you're a lobbyist for the common good, they are lobbyists for their personal good". I chuckled. Dato Role Model was always very generous with compliments.

It wasn't long before the Chairman of the Bureau came along. He was not very tall, but elderly and distinguished looking. Dato' Role Model introduced me to him and together with another professor from a local university, we proceeded to the coffee house.

All this time, I noticed how much I felt, like I belonged in these circles. It was all familiar - like coming home. It's just that they were older than me - but some of them, were the same type of people. Passionate and concerned on where this country was going.

Sitting ourselves in a corner, armed with a cup of coffee and teh tarik each, the Chairman swiftly began the meeting. He was requesting that I do a presentation on the state of the industry about 2 weeks from now to the Bureau and the 8-9 Members of Parliament that might be involved. To highlight the issues that the MPs could bring up to the Government and help resolve.

A short while later, Dato' Southern Star, one of the up and coming UMNO Youth MPs, joined the meeting. I was pleased to have someone in my age group (well actually, about 7 years older lah) in Parliament. Somewhere along the way, Dato' Southern Star and I, got embroiled in a heated debate about the Program and whether the Government has role to play in innovation funding.

The Bureau members were enjoying themselves, silently staying on the sidelines as spectators - waiting to see the outcome of the debate. Dato' Southern Star was an accountant by background, and he was naturally conservative about the way Government monies should be spent, arguing that organizations like MIMOS had drowned out billions in taxpayer's money, with not very much to show.

I agreed with him that most of the innovation policy problems in Malaysia centres around poor implementation. He was spot on, on that one. But what we need are better (perhaps, private sector) implementors, not to shy away from policy measures which other East Asian countries are proactively doing. And succeeding at it, too. We can't afford to get left behind.

Of course, the context in every country differs according to culture, status of development, level of educational development, level of innovation linkages, IP registration systems, etc. but the factors to make effective innovation work, are the same, the world over. It's a matter of tailoring it, to local conditions.

I've done it before with the Program - while the Company was still run by professionals and not cowardly politically-appointed idiots, like it is now.

The debate ended up in draw of sorts. I couldn't be as transparent as I would like to be, because I had to keep mum over the Even Bigger Program by Rock Solid Partner, soon to be launched in the middle of the year.

To disclose it now, would be to put it at risk - of political intervention. The industry could not afford that. We already made the mistake of over-lobbying the last time round - which resulted in the birth and the fall, of the Program. I had learnt my lesson - so, I kept my mouth shut. Better to draw the battle, and to win the war.

The Minister who almost hired me dropped by at our corner to say hello to everyone, including me. He was surprised to see me there, but there was certainly an approving look. The Bureau was a bit surprised that the Minister talked to me, but I just smiled quietly. Let them keep guessing. ;)

The discussion ended after an hour, or so. The Chairman and I had good chemistry and thank God, he wasn't one of these patronizing types, who judged a person by his age. Dato' Role Model was pleased that I spoke up and had argued convincingly against Dato' Southern Star - it justified him, bringing me in.

I've never liked party politics in Malaysia - it's too narrow (people takes sides on party lines, not issues) for my taste and I can't possibly fit in. This, even though almost 100% of my friends, think I should be politics. (I don't know whether to take it as a compliment or as an insult ;) Haha!)

But I always harboured a secret desire, to be a Senator, in Dewan Negara, one day. Maybe this would be my first foray, into the Legislative arm of the Malaysian Government. Hopefully.

But I reminded myself as I walked out of Parliament House - that one should not seek power, as power is a responsibility to the people. If you are deserving, power will make its way to you. If not, then it was never meant to be yours in the first place. You would not want to be answerable, for something that you don't deserve.

This attitude will probably not get me very far, but I'd just like to see how far I can go, without compromising or selling out, on my principles. It's sad to see some of my peers in the political world, already selling out now - on their principles and their people. How soon they forget, what they used to abhor. Perhaps, that's why I still stay on the NGO side of the world.

We'll see. But for now, let's enjoy being part of the legislative process. There is much to learn, and much more to contribute. May I be given the time, to do both.

It's Finally Over

It's over.

YOU have finally disposed of me, as I expected. The grieving and healing can finally begin. I'm closing this dark chapter, once and for all. Thank you for all the lessons.

I wish you all the best in your future life, with him. May you never realize the value of what is lost, today. God bless your future life, Sweety. Don't screw it up.

And God give me strength, for the dark days ahead. I submit to your takdir for me, for you are the All-Knowing. Things don't make sense to me right now, but maybe, with divine guidance, one day it will.

But God, please make it hurt less. Please. I'm exhausted and I'm not sure I have the strength for this.

Tomorrow is D-Day

When tomorrow comes, Life will change irreversibly in one direction, or another. YOUR decision will decide that.

Reminds me of that line from Coelho's "The Devil and Ms. Prym" which goes:-

"The challenge will not wait
Life does not look back.
A week is more than enough time for us to decide
whether or not to accept our destiny"


And another from "The Alchemist":

"Only one thing makes a dream impossible;
the fear of failure"


And another from "The Fifth Mountain":

"When we put off the harvest,
the fruit rots,
but when we put off our problems,
they keep on growing"


And another one:

"The glory of the world is transitory,
and we should not measure our lives by it
but by the choice we make
to follow our personal legend,
to believe in our utopias
and to fight for our dreams.

We are all protagonists of our own lives,
and it is often the anonymous heroes
who leave the deepest mark".


And another from "The Pilgrimage":

"In the Good Fight,
attacking or fleeing are part of the struggle;
being paralyzed by fear is not.
The Good Fight is the one we undertake
because our heart wants us to"

And one last one from "Brida":

"There are moments in life
when the only possible option
is to lose control"


God, you know I have given my all. I leave the future path to your Mercy. Give me happiness tomorrow, or give me the strength to survive this.


This song by The Corrs, has been haunting me all night.

Don't Say You Love Me

I've seen this place a thousand times
i've felt this all before
and every time you call
i've waited there as though you might not
call at all

i know this face i'm wearing now
i've seen this in my eyes
and though it feels so great, i'm still afraid
that you'll be leaving anytime

we've done this once and then you closed the door
don't let me fall again for nothing more

don't say you love me unless forever
don't tell me you need me if you're not gonna stay
don't give me this feeling, i'll only believe it
make it real or take it all away

i've caught myself smiling alone
just thinking of your voice
and dreaming of your touch is all too much
you know i don't have any choice

don't say you love me unless forever
don't tell me you need me if you're not gonna stay
don't give me this feeling, i'll only believe it
make it real or take it all away

we've done this once and then you closed the door
don't let me fall again for nothing more

don't say you love me unless forever
don't tell me you need me if you're not gonna stay
don't give me this feeling, i'll only believe it
make it real or take it all away...

say you love me
don't tell me you need me if you're not gonna stay
don't give me this feeling, i'll only believe it
make it real or take it all away

take it all away
or take it all away


Have a good day, people. As for me, a new experience awaits today - the Parliament House beckons. If I believe Coelho, then the universe must be conspiring to help me achieve my dreams. Haha!

Perhaps, it will go in my favour one day. But only, if I'm not too afraid to hope.

The Limits of Our Belief

A question ran through my mind last night - where are the limits of our belief?

At which point do we stop believing in things and people? At which point, do we say, I'm really being naive here, expecting people to see reason. At which point, do we find out that our investment in making the world (or even our personal world, for that matter)will not be giving us, the returns we expect?

At which point, do we believe that we can't make a difference anymore? And we stop trying - and become like the cynics, we so despise?

At which point, do we decide that it's too hard to love and care for a country, a nation, a people, our loved ones, etc. and decide that it's time to leave? And become an uncaring individualist insignificant statistic, in another foreign country? Devoid of any real sense of belonging or allegiance, but entrenched in the embrace of choice, modernity and freedom?

At which point, do we settle for whatever Life throws us - and say, that this is as good as it's ever going to get? Why take the risk that things might be worse - or why take the risk that things might be better? It's hard to change the world or our world - why not just alter our expectations of it?

At which point, would we discover that our attitudes lead us to live Life like walking corpses - for all intents and purposes, dead - but physically alive?

At which point, shall we realize, that we're using our minds wrongly, most of the time and we almost never use our hearts, for fear of disappointment,...or happiness. And too often, that we choose to walk away, when we should just take a stand.

At which point, do we stop opening the doors of God's blessings - simply because we choose to believe that there is nothing better beyond that door and all the things we could ask for, is already in this room? Where we can't even see problems for what it is and we redefine it into a simplistic "that's life" conclusion?

We all have different limits for our belief and our striving for it. What if most of us have reached it, unconsciously perhaps, in the busy flow of our everyday lives?

And what if the remaining minority, is tired and wants to join in, with the rest of the walking dead? To stand with strength in numbers - in a big invisible mass grave. Hell on earth, coloured by the expectation of others in our family and society, beautiful infrastructures and riveting distractions and materialism, for the willing and intoxicated. And time which never seems to stop, in a city which never seems to sleep.

At which point, would we realize, that the death of belief in our hearts, is the death of God, in our world? And the Devil would have succeeded - in making God's finest beings, lose their way.

For which of His blessings will you take, when you don't believe in His generosity anymore? What is the point of Prophets and saints, whom you will turn a deaf ear to? What is the point of having doors, which you will never bother unlocking?

Maybe Man does not deserve heaven, both in this world and the next, for he is such a wretched, ungrateful being, that deliberately underplays his own true value. For the worst form of blindness - is the blindness of the heart.

Let Yourself be a Garden

Yesterday, was an extremely hungry day for the soul.

I missed YOU with every fibre of my being, yet it had to stay silently contained, hidden from the rest of the world, amidst laughs, jokes and intense discussions. I have to work so hard, at being distracted nowadays. Am piling daily activities like logs into flame, to keep the fires of distraction burning.

So that I don't notice how chilling the days and nights are, without you. :(

It's hard,...and getting harder. And I'm uncertain, how long this winding road is and whether it ends anywhere. :(


Busy day ahead. But will leave everyone with some gems from Coelho, just to reflect on, on this serene Monday morning:

"In his or her life,
Each person can take one of two attitudes;
to build or to plant.

Builders may take years over their tasks,
but one day they will finish what they're doing.
Then they will stop, hemmed in by their own walls.
Life becomes meaningless
once the building is finished.

Those who plant suffer the storms
and the seasons and rarely rest.
Unlike a building, a garden never stops growing.
And by its constant demands
on the gardener's attentions,
it makes the gardener's life a great adventure"


And another one:

"We have a tendency
to see things that do not exist
and to be blind to the great lessons
that are right there before our eyes"


And another:

"Your heart is where your treasure is,
and you must find your treasure
in order to make sense of everything"


And one last one:

"When you travel towards your objective,
be sure to pay attention to the path.
The path teaches us the best way to arrive
and enriches us, while we're travelling along it"


May today be an inspiring Monday for all. God bless!

What I Want in a Marriage

This question was pondered by someone very dear to me, in the last few days.

It must have been quite a difficult exercise for her - she's always taken it for granted, that she will marry the person she's with. There was really no need to ask the reason why - until one is unsure of one's commitment. That's when the question needs to be asked.

I don't know what she wants, but it set me thinking that to help her out, I should set out some of the things that would be important to me, in a marriage. It's not a program, it's wish list of the ingredients of the ideal marriage to me.

What would I like a good marriage and family to be (a wish list in an ideal scenario)? Some random thoughts:-

Love. Lots of it. Affection displayed in many different big and small, thoughtful ways. Touch is essential and we must enjoy the simple things like a good cuddle together, on a lazy Sunday afternoon. And a simple, yet strong attraction to one another, that defies explanation. Loving each other, for just the person that we are.

An awareness that the only way romance will continue, is to keep working at it and to make it a way of life. And lots and lots of flirting, with one another;

Humour. The constant ability to laugh at ourselves (and perhaps, everybody else). The space to be child-like and to "bermanja", which should strengthen our ties. The ability to tolerate Yusof Haslam movies and Sembilu 19 when we're old;

Supportive and Complementary. To help each other grow, in both our lives and our careers. Understanding that we are two separate people with our own respective roles and destinies, in our business, industry and society. Yet, our most important obligation, is to one another and our children.

We should be 2 people with differing kinds of abilities, where our strengths and weaknesses complement each other. And I want someone who won't give up on me - I can be slow on the pick-up, especially when it relates to housework. But I can be "incentivised".

Conservative yet Liberal. A life that is family-centric, principle-centered and religious conscious. A life that is rooted in Malay culture and norms. Yet with modern liberal values. Where we observe the pillars of our religion (like prayers, fasting, zakat, etc), but yet, we're not averse to the occasional good clean fun clubbing or salsa in town, without alcohol or smoking, of course. Or the occasional sun-tanning in Phuket or Maldives;

Communicative and Flexible. To let each other know what we're going through. To really listen and understand your partner and her needs. To talk, to debate and sometimes, perhaps, to argue, but never forgetting the main point - that we're communicating to make things better. And to be flexible enough to change what needs to be changed, or to leave things be, when it doesn't.

A Love for Children and Cats. What I envision: 2 lovely daughters, that look like their mother. Occasionally, will speak French with their mother, when they're trying to keep secrets from me.

Cats and kittens - a must-have - no house is complete without cats. No house.

Storybook reading before bed-time, bouts of chocolate smuggling into the bedroom without their mother's knowledge, helping them sneak out the recently fried ikan goreng for the cats, a chance for Papa to be the hero and their Mum, the strict disciplinarian and villain. (Occasionally, she will feel that she has 3 children, instead of 2 - Papa dearest included ;))

Lots of family photos and videos together - of the children growing and Papa and Mum growing with them. A deep love that will grow even stronger, with and because of the children.

A common outlook for raising and educating children. To instill in them good religious basics, as a foundation. That education is far wider than just having straight A's - it's a sense of constant curiousity and a search for answers. To celebrate every little achievement they have and to encourage them in the things they're passionate about.

To raise them as Malay Muslims, to understand and appreciate Malaysian tradition and heritage, but be a Bangsa Malaysia and global citizen at heart, with a progressive outlook and aware of the need to compete and survive in this new world. A balanced outlook - jemaah prayers at home once in a while with family, but we're not averse to them going for the occasional concert, in their late-teens. (And maybe, I get to scare the wits out of their boyfriends, as well! :))


Conversation. Lots of it, whenever we can. About anything, nothing is too trivial. But it deepens our understanding of each other. Of each other's needs, quirks, idiosynscracies, flaws (and there will be many on my side, like having to be reminded to take out the trash) or just each other's friends and family.

Financially comfortable, yet prudent. Ukur baju di badan sendiri. A family where we're financially more than comfortable, but without being lavish, nor feel the need to keep up with the Junids' (Malaysian version of the Joneses').

And to teach the children too - that a person's worth is not measured, by the number of luxury cars they have - but what they have contributed to society. Enough money for everything we need and the occasional overseas holidays bi-annually. Paris, anyone? :)

Good sex, if not great sex. Speaks for itself. They say,it tends to prolong life. Haha!

I think that's about it. Yes, I know what I want.


Yes, it is somewhat of an idealized list (that's why it's called a wish list), but these are things I want to work on, to realize it. I do believe it's possible, especially with the right partner, who shares a common outlook and wants to work towards the same thing in a marriage.

I've waited a long time, God. Hope you grant me my wish, in my sembahyang hajat. For you are the All-Merciful.

Breakfast with Coelho

This morning, Coelho kept me company again - his gentle words soothing the pain in my soul.

It's Friday - a day for self-reflection - and I thought I'd just share some of his quotes with you, as food for your soul. Enjoy!

"Whenever we need to make a very important decision,
It is best to trust impulse and passion,
because reason usually tries to remove us from our dream,
saying that time is not yet right.

Reason is afraid of defeat,
but intuition enjoys life and its challenges"


And another one:

"Every day, God gives us, as well as the sun,
a moment when it is possible to change anything
that is causing us unhappiness.
The magic moment is the moment when
a "yes" or "no" can change our whole existence.

Every day, we try to pretend that we do not see
that moment, that it does not exist,
that today is the same as yesterday
and that tomorrow will be the same too.

However, anyone who pays close attention to his day
will discover the magic moment.

It might be hidden in the instant
that we put in the key in the door every morning,
in the moment of silence after supper,
in the thousand and one things
that appear to us be the same.

This moment exists, a moment in which
all the strength of the stars flow through us
and allows us to perform miracles."


And another one:

"The Lord listens to the prayers of those
who ask to be able to forget hatred,
but is deaf to those who want to flee love"


And one last one, for the road:

"We do not need to know "how" or "where",
but there is one question that we should all ask
whenever we start something:
"What am I doing this for?"


Hope some of these quotes will be as helpful to you, as it has been to me. Have a good weekend, people.

And as for YOU - my love, thoughts and prayers are with you, always. Invisible I may be, but I'm taking every step right beside you, for as long as you want me here. You're never alone.

The Defining Moments

This may be a short entry, because I'm feeling a bit cloudy today. But just felt that I had to get some of these thoughts, off my mind.

There comes a time in everyone's life, when you're faced with that defining moment. The choice of two divergent paths, each leading to a different type of journey and conclusion.

The consequences of this particular decision, will be irreversible and sometimes, it's complicated by a host of other factors - promises previously made, the approval of one's parents, peer pressure, material considerations, the temptation to take the easy way out, the number of people affected, etc.

There isn't a formula for making such decisions. I wish there was. Sometimes, when we're in a dilemma, we turn to God and ask for His guidance. Perhaps, not enough of us, do that in this day and age - where everything is perceived to be about being mature, adult and rational.

These defining moments, are the ones that we will remember. If a mistake results out of it, it is these moments that we will reflect on, for the remains of our life. And the echoes of the "what-ifs" and "what could have been" will reverberate through your heart, mind and conscience.

What can I suggest as a guide, from my own experience?

Listen to both your heart and mind. Don't make a decision out of fear, of the immediate effects of the decision. Have the courage to make the decision on what's best for you, for the long term. Whatever the consequence of the harder road - but if it seems and feels more right, believe that the hard moments which follow, shall pass - everything does. And you will survive it, stronger.

Don't rush to a decision - it's not always that a fast decision is a good one. Measure all the things that will be important to you, in the future.

Trust that small voice, in the back of your mind - the one that doesn't seem to stop, despite your insistence. Be extremely honest with yourself - you will never need it more, than now. If you delude yourself, you will end up deluding others, in future, despite all good intentions. And be honest with the people you care about - sometimes, people should be given the option to decide, as well.

Don't gamble with the hearts and future of others. It's not your right to do so.

Making a right decision at the right time, saves the future trouble and hard consequences of making the right decisions, at the wrong time. (Divorced people with kids will usually relate to this)

Don't be a martyr and choose to sacrifice yourself for others, unless you've decided on a life of misery. If you want to be happy, you cannot exclude considerations of the heart. No matter how hard we are or try to become, we are human and the frailties will begin to emerge, sooner or later.

If it's a decision where there's personal reluctance involved, it might be a wrong decision. Reconsider. Never overestimate your ability to cope - if you're wrong, others will pay for it too.

Look at the signs around you. Sometimes, things happen for a reason - they're not just random things, that happen by the way. Sometimes, as Muslims, we are encouraged to think, reflect and be intuitive of the things around us - as the Quranic verse goes: "Verily, there are signs for those who believe". Sometimes, we have to look beyond what's there.

Trust in God and ask for His guidance. Where relevant, religious and spiritual considerations, should be weighed too. And don't be afraid to change your mind, if you know you're on the wrong track. It's part of being an adult - being able to admit mistakes and learning to be fair to yourself and others, hopefully, in the best way possible.

The most relevant consideration is the NOW and going onwards, the future. The past is persuasive, but it will not guarantee the future. Especially, when the past reflects the signs, that may be adverse to the future.

Make full consideration of what's important in the future, in a holistic fashion. Life is not just about measuring good or bad people, but also about what you think should be done correctly and what fits your dreams/vision of the future.

Friends and family are important, but at the end of the day, it is YOUR life and YOUR decision. No one else will live with the consequences of that decision, but you (and perhaps, your children). No one else will share the blame, for a bad decision. Sympathy is nice, but makes for a hollow consolation.

Never bet on just having enough love for someone that you will commit to. Go for a bit more, for when times get tough, what seemed like enough love today, may not be enough tomorrow.

These defining moments or crossroads in your life, should be given the proper respect and consideration, due to it. You may not have the chance to pass this way again. And at the end of the day, if you've weighed everything properly, if it's a mistake, you will not regret it as much.

Most bad decisions are made hastily or is a "non-decision" - the illusion that we draw up to ourselves that certain things are "inevitable". Nothing is cast in stone,except death - even heaven or hell, depends upon our actions in this world. You HAVE the option of deciding. It's a God-given right.

Fate is for God to decide, but Mankind shall strive and do our best. That is our role and parameter - to live and do our best, yet to submit to a Higher Power.

Good luck with your defining moments. May God give you the wisdom and courage, to make the right decisions. And the strength to live with it.

The Man in the Mirror

As the song goes - I'm starting with the man in the mirror. And today, I took a strong stand. It was a difficult stand, but it was a stand which felt right, for the first time. I'm finally giving myself, some due respect. I know what I deserve.

And it felt good to acknowledge that.

The time spent reading, thinking, reflecting and being with close friends have strengthened me, to a certain extent. The road to recovery is just beginning and still far, but it's a start. Thank you, God.

Not ready to get back full blast on the blogging track, yet - but here's something for all my faithful friends and readers, who have been with me through this ordeal. Predictably, it's from Kahlil Gibran:-

"The tears you shed are purer than the laughter of him that seeks to forget and sweeter than the mockery of the scoffer. These tears cleanse the heart of the blight of hatred, and teach man to share the pain of the brokenhearted. They are the tears of the Nazarene."

And another:

"God has given you a spirit with wings on which to soar into the spacious firmament of Love and Freedom. Is it not pitiful then that you cut your wings with your own hands and suffer your soul to crawl like an insect upon the earth?"


And one last one - like a silent prayer:

"Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children".

Talk to you guys, soon. :)

A Sense of Self-Worth

I'm awake again. Every night of the past one week, have seen me waking up at between 3-4 a.m., in cold sweat, full of anxiety. My chest feels heavy and there is an overwhelming sadness, engulfing me. And I've become unable to go back to sleep after that, not until I completely exhaust myself, in the afternoon.

I'm tired and I look relatively haggard, in the mirror. My eating irregularities, have now become a legendary habit - eating alone is a chore - one I'd rather not do.

A lot of reflection has passed, over the last few days. I've been trying to get to the root, of what's wrong with me. And my life. And the way I've lived it. Not just the current causes, but to seek a pattern. A clue, as to why I seem to be on a self-destructive path all the time.

I've reached a few conclusions. Surprising, yet not quite. It's like I've always known, at the back of my mind.

And the conclusion is this - everything I've strived for, done or achieved in my life, has been a constant effort to be loved by others, unconditionally. Everything.

It's sobering. I searched myself for the times when I truly felt that I was being loved unconditionally. The last time was in 1985 - before my biological father passed away of heart disease.

He was a soft, tender loving man - who told me that he loved me every night, before he tucked me in to sleep. He encouraged me to strive in all my talents and he treated everything I wrote, as a little masterpiece - even if it was gibberish. He bought me books constantly, and encouraged my reading habit.

He was there on every single school sports day - even though my sporting achievements at that time, were laughable. Yet no achievement went unrewarded, no good action went unnoticed. He was not perfect as a husband, but he was a perfect father to me.

His passing left a huge gap in my life. Mum was not someone I could relate to very well - she was abstractly opposite of my father.

Temperamental and hard, with an aversion of displaying affection - I've always felt, rightly or wrongly, that her love was conditional, on my academic (and later in life, my material) achievements. But the benchmark always got higher and despite my constant striving for her approval and affections, I still seemed to never make the cut. Somewhere along the way, I consciously stopped trying. It was not that she did not love me - it was just that her actions, mostly, made me feel unloved.

The only times she ever hugged me - was when I left for the UK and when I returned. That was it.

It was an abnormal childhood. For 5 years after my father passed on, I would be at his grave every Sunday, without fail, to read the Yaasin for him and for our weekly one-sided conversations. It was just comforting to be there - that I knew he was listening. That maybe he would put in a good word for me with God - to protect me and bring me happiness.

And blessings did come in other forms. I was always a very lucky child (am still in some parts of my life, a very lucky adult). I was a good straight A's student and was considerably talented in my chosen sports and games.

And where affection was lacking at home, it was abundant at Sue's house. Sue was my pet sister -someone who I've known since I was 5 years old. Her parents, who are very close friends of my parents, showered their love on me - as they knew I was starved of it, at home.

Every Raya morning, after Raya prayers, I would be there along with the other members of the Hussein family in their ritual of "bermaaf-maafan" - the ritual was almost never done in my own family - Mum was not comfortable with it, until at least I was in my mid-20s.

It was as if they were my family. I remember the hugs, the laughter, the generous duit Raya and Sue's fabulous chocolate cake. Many weekends too were spent at the Hussein house, playing many board games and devouring the many divine cuisines that Auntie Zah prepared.

The Hussein family made sure that I received enough affection, to keep me from veering off the good path. And for that I am truly grateful - they were my emotional anchor, at a very crucial period of my life.

At 16, my first true love, Lina, came along. And with it, the affection of her family, the Zulkifli family, for the next 7 years. They loved and approved of me, more than they did Lina's brother, I felt, sometimes.

And Lina coloured my world in such considerate, loving and thoughtful ways, that none have managed to rival, so far. It was a tempestuous relationship - we were both passionate people - the good times were fantastic and the bad times were hell.

But at 19, the world was at my feet. I was the best student in my batch and I had a girlfriend that loved me, unconditionally. Or so I felt, because there were certainly times when she strayed. And there were parts of me which she struggled to understand and accept - like my all-consuming passion to improve this country. Parts which she could certainly live without - looking at the man she's married to, now - the embodiment of Melayu Lama.

Losing Lina, was the beginning of my downfall. Relationship after relationship, I was facing one tragedy after another.

Eventually, it led a to a marriage and divorce, in my rush and insistence to be happy and most of all, to seek my mother's wholehearted approval of my choice - she never appreciated much of my other achievements - unless it came in a material form. The divorce was a great emotional cost, to so many - my late mother never hid her bitter disappointment - even at her hospital death bed. Most of all, to my ex-wife, who is one of the most loving and thoughtful persons I've ever met.

I look back at all of it now and I feel that - even though I've managed to compensate for the affection starvation at home, but I've never really tackled the problem. I'm still looking for the unconditional affection, of someone I love.

Of a woman who would love me and be with me for who I am, and not who she expects me to be. A parent-child relationship, like the one I had with my late father - I'd like to have that with my own daughter, one day. Perhaps, you never really escape the Freudian tragedies in your life. It seems to go beyond life and death.

And out of all this reflection, I come to this one pertinent question: Without striving for all the things that I strive for, do I feel myself worth loving? Is that why I put myself through so much emotional anguish and self-sacrificing tendencies, even when it hurts me greatly?

The answer was obvious. The question, just needed to be asked. I still felt it surprising, for after all that I had achieved - my sense of self-worth should not be pegged to the unconditional affection and approval of others. But that's the truth - it did. I was still compensating, for the things I never had, but really craved for.

But even I should realize by now - that the world does not work in that way. Some of the most mediocre and undeserving people in the world, are truly blessed with things and affection that should be beyond their reach. The world does not even make a pretense of being a fair place.

And that's why I put myself through emotional hell, in some of these relationships. Especially the one, with Sweety. More than her cruel actions, what was even more damaging to me, as that I SO wanted to believe her and that I truly believed that my chance for emotional redemption, lay with her. And that I could save her, from the path of self-destruction that she's set herself on.

And so, I buried my self-respect, sometimes, for her love and to be her choice for a lifetime. A price that right now, seems too high to pay.

Where is my sense of self-worth?

This morning, I've decided that I shall look into one place, I've never looked before, for affection. A greater Being, the Creator. The Giver of all blessings. One whose Forgiveness and Mercies, extends beyond all else.

I need to go back to basics - I seem to have lost my sense of values, my moral compass of right and wrong, in this desperate search for love - after all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, Friedrich Hayek used to say.

I need to learn to love myself and to be patient and content, with what I have been blessed with. My quest for unconditional love, cannot and should not be conditional on my achievements and the approval of others. And it should not be at a sacrifice, of things right and wrong.

And that's why I'm going to take a break from this blog, for a while, folks. I need a period of solitude and self-introspection. I need to fix myself, so I that I can go on to look forward, to what remains within my lifetime. I'm all spent, being alone, feeling unloved and not loving myself.

There has to be more than this, in my life. There must be, God.

Thank you for all your kind words and emotional support, guys. You people have been an example of unselfish and considerate love and genuine concern, for a fellow human being. I will miss all of you.

And for those who have someone to love, spare some time constantly to give them a hug, and tell them how much you love them. You'll never know - it could mean a lot to them.

Wish me luck, people. Bye for now.

Of Fate, Silver Linings and Hope

These last few days, have been an emotional roller-coaster for me. But the ride has ended. It's tinged with a little sadness, but otherwise, I'm philosophically calm.

I'm glad you finally owned up to the truth, Sweety. It took guts and honour, and I know that you risked everything you had. I'm happy for you that he's forgiven you and that both of you have come out of it, stronger - perhaps, that is the silver lining, out of this awful love triangle.

What you did to me was wrong, but it took courage to come back and own up, when you could have gotten off, scot-free. And for that, you have regained my respect. We are 0-0 again. You owe me nothing and I have no regrets.

I accept your decision and it's about time we both moved on from this point of repeated stasis. A love for the sake of love, that heads nowhere, is bad for the heart and the soul. And it's time we were fair, to all parties involved.

But in the last few days after the fiasco, I'm proud that eventually, we showed greater respect and concern for each other's feelings.

All 3 of us did - some in bigger measure than others - but then again, this is not a contest. The important thing is, we've squared off with each other (even though he and I are virtually strangers to one another) - the truth is out, the tears have been cried, the issues addressed, the conclusions derived, the apologies made and the resolve to start again, blooms.

It may not have gone in my favour, but I'm happy for both of you and I'm sure both of you, will try a lot harder to make it work, after this. And I hope the renewed strength of your commitment for one another, will bring you greater happiness in the future. Perhaps, this is the hikmah behind the entire fiasco.

As for me - I guess in future, I need to find someone that loves me and will choose to commit to me, in the same way that you've committed to him. Perhaps, there are bonds stronger than just the strength of love. I envy him and the strength of your commitment to him.

My chest still feels heavy, but I can feel it getting lighter. It's a brand new day - I must move on. Life is waiting to be lived.

May God light my path and lead me, to someone that was meant for me - because I would hate to grow old and die alone, in this deafeningly silent home. I'm craving for the affections of a loving partner, the cries and laughter of children and the simple joy and warmth of family.

I have much to give and share, God, and all I want is the opportunity to do so, before I leave this world. That's all I ask.

Acts of Cruelty

There's one thing that I've discovered repeatedly, in the past one year. I'm a poor judge of character. Extremely.

I did as you requested, Sweety. Against my better judgment and everything I believe in, I stonewalled with one-worders and gave him the impression that what you told him, was the truth. I made myself out to look like the desperate suitor in a one-sided pursuit who persisted, but never broke through the defences your chaste, loyal self.

I lied, humiliated myself and made you look like the innocent party. So that you could live happily ever after, with him.

Even though it wasn't the truth. Even though what we had, was far more than that. Even though you were an equally guilty party. Even though you told me that you loved me constantly (the last time was just this afternoon on the phone) and I, in my foolishness, believed you.

It was okay, if you didn't want to end up with me. I was prepared to accept that.

What I was not prepared for, is that when caught with your hands in the cookie jar via my SMSes to you, you lied, entirely disavowed the truth and made me look like the only guilty party. And you pleaded to me, to reaffirm your story - even though it would make me look like a fool. Our love was not even worth the truth of owning up, to you.

You're a lucky girl - he's a gentleman. He was polite, cordial and gently reprimanded me for my "highly inappropriate SMSes" to his girlfriend, who he believed never wanted me.

Maybe I should send him some of your SMSes to me. Ha! Maybe I should send him our photos together, just to show him how wrong he is.

But never mind - it's not about him - it's about you. Your reaction tonight, showed me the sort of person that you really are, beneath that soft, sophisticated, loving exterior. But you got your wish - I played the court jester for you. And your secret's safe with me, Sweety. :(

Tonight, I learnt that there can be no love, without respect. No love, without honour. No love, without truth. No love, if they're willing to watch you get humiliated. No matter who says it to you and how many ways they show it to you. Yes, you got your man tonight, Sweety but you've lost my love, respect and friendship. Totally.

But not that you'd be able to measure, what that's worth.

I pity him, for what he's going to end up marrying. He deserves much better. But I pity you even more, for being what you are right now,....

The truth shall remain buried, with this willing fool. But remember, karma always catches up with you. Maybe not from me, but it will catch up on you. Believe in it. And one day, I hope you will feel the pain that you've inflicted upon me, right now.

You couldn't have possibly loved me - you don't even respect me. I see that now - clearly.

Tonight, I felt first-hand, how far your cruelty could go. But no amount of love, will ever make me forgive you, for this. This is the one thing, that I will never forgive you for. Never, Sweety. Some cuts go far too deep, to heal.

An Eventful Day - Part 1

It's Sunday morning and I went to sleep at 5, last night, after an eventful day. I missed Sweety when I fell asleep and I woke up early this morning, because I missed her even more. These are the days when things could be better.

But I'm not going to talk about today. I'm going to talk about yesterday - my eventful day.

I was recovering from 2 days of having fever and acute gastritis, when I received a call from Fizzy. I had been trying to reach her all morning to drag her for breakfast - but she had been doing her housework, laundry, etc. She popped the question - "You wanna go to salsa classes this afternoon?"

I hesitated at first, but I reminded myself that I've been thinking of jumping into salsa classes for ages, but never really came round to it. It was something I promised to do for me, not anyone else. For a change.

I said okay. Fyzzy approved. We made plans to meet, before dance class. My first thought was: what does one WEAR to dance class? Being true to my nature, I decided to go with the conservative look - collared shirt and pants, all in matching shades of blue.

At 2.30 p.m., there I was in my dance class in TTDI. What first struck me was that the ratio of women to men in the class. I mean, yes, I heard that there was always a shortage of boys, but a boys to girl ratio of something like 1:7, is ridiculous. Where are the men?

I was visibly nervous but I suppressed it from both Fyzzy or her French friend, Jean Luc. Hey, it's salsa class, for God's sake - and I was supposed to enjoy this!

It started out pretty badly. I was struggling to grasp the simple sequence of mambo steps and the tempo involved. And standing in front of a mirror with the rest of the class, accentuated even further, how out of step I was. Aisha, my instructor, realized that I was struggling and came to help me out personally, several times.

I was nervous and my movements looked stiff, in the mirror. And I was not particularly good at "isolating my ribcage" - everything looked like it was moving chock-a-block. The instructor reminded me to smile, several times - confidence and looking sexy was 50% of the battle in salsa. Alamak.

But the rhythm finally kicked in and I caught up with the rest of the class. I was beginning to enjoy myself. The music was addictive and the beat was so distracting. Just for a while, I let go of all my longing and discontent and just focused on the moment. I was having fun - and I needed this. More than I realized.

Then came the pairing up with partners. There were 2 men and 14 women. What were we to do? Well, the men were expected to switch partners - both Jean Luc and I had to dance with 14 girls! Passed on from woman to woman, (some of them rather attractive)like a dance prop.

I smiled - I felt like a sexy "jantan kabaret" - a seductive male predator on the dance floor. The fact that the girls didn't have a choice, was probably closer to the truth - but what the heck, a man is allowed the delusion of grandeur, once in a while, right? Haha!

But I played the role with much fervour and relish, albeit with a little shyness - I was not used to touching up strangers, for an erotic Latino dance. But I was determined to be a good prop - so that the girls would not lose out on the experience of dancing with a male partner. Dancing salsa together, is what makes it realistic. Lucky for me, the girls were pretty encouraging.

Slowly, my confidence built up and I was salsa-ing. The movements were not natural to me yet, but I knew that if I gave it a bit more time and focus, it would be. But Aisha was pleased with my progress - towards the end, I got some of the steps pat down, from the first instruction. I was pleased.

After about an hour plus - the classes ended. Admittedly, it was a good workout too - most of us were panting, at the end of it. But a familiar feeling gripped me. It was just like the first time I held a table tennis bat, or faced a chess board or got my first strike at bowling.

I'm going to enjoy this and I will learn, to be good at it. I could feel it in my bones. :) It's just a matter of time. And I was reminded again, of the joy of learning and trying new things and always pushing the boundaries of variety, which I seem not to be doing enough of.

Life has to be lived. I'm really looking forward, to next week's class. Meanwhile, I shall be rehearsing at home,...

p.s. Will continue with the rest of the events from Eventful Day, later. In order to avoid another bout of gastritis, I'm now rushing for breakfast. I hope you're proud of me, Sweety - wherever you are.

Between Hate and Forgiveness

Is it easier to hate than to forgive?

That's the question I've been pondering these last few days. I've never believed in hate. I don't even hate my enemy (I only have one, so far - a person whose hell bent on destroying me and The Program), because I would think of the welfare of his cancer-stricken wife and children - and thoughts of getting even, would recede into the background. There's more at stake here, than just the Beast himself.

Now I'm hurting really bad - over another issue, that's much closer to my heart. And forgiveness and understanding, seems like such a long route to take. And I wonder, whether I should learn how to hate.

Have always taken the long route to recovery, prior to this. It's always been about forgiveness and getting over things fully. No short cuts, no limiting the grief. Let it all seep out slowly and eventually, you will heal - with minimal scars and some appreciation of the good things that have come from the experience.

Hate teaches you to harden. It teaches you to be cynical and it decreases your faith in your fellow human being. Hate makes you older, poisons you from the inside and blinkers you from achieving wisdom. That's why some older people never get wiser - they just get older.

That's what I've always believed. So, I took the road less travelled - the long, painful and arduous road to forgiveness. It's the right thing to do, I tell myself.

But you know what I found out? It's draining to try to do the right things, all the time.

Because we're human and there's only so much that the human spirit and heart can prevail over. If you're idealistic and you continue to try to do right all the time and you continue being victimised for it, you will become drained - mentally and emotionally. Sooner or later, it will bring you back to the crossroads between hate and forgiveness.

Because Life is not always a fair place that makes sense. It's a mixed bag - and half the time, it carries the ingredients for grief. It's that half that idealists struggle with.

Idealists tend to believe in karma - that the good you do, will return to you, in one form or another. As a Muslim, that is true - if you span Life out to be full spectrum, of the one in this world and the next. But in this world, perhaps, karma may not work all that well - or is only half-complete. That's why you see a lot of bad, cold, cruel people being happy - even if they leave a trail of destruction, in their steps without guilt or conscience.

A few days ago, I saw a very close friend cry in her car, questioning why the simplest of joy to others (like having a family), can be so difficult to obtain for others. I had no answers for her - I hardly had answers for myself, really. It's amazing that no matter how far the reach of the human mind, will and effort - there is no guarantee, for the contentment of the human heart.

I'm exhausted, emotionally. Too many calamities in the last few years - they seem to queue up, one after another. And for once - I feel like taking the short cut out.

I want to learn how to hate, because I'm losing the patience for acceptance, toleration, understanding and forgiveness. I'm losing the faith, that good things will happen to good people - it doesn't seem to matter in this world, to most people - so why should it matter to me? After all, pain and suffering seems to follow the good like a spectre - prophets, saints, honest and principled leaders, the unappreciated mother, the cheated husband or wife, etc.

I promise myself that I shan't make this a habit. Hate is just like painkillers - it's to be used sparingly, when the occasion requires it. Make it a habit and it will turn you into a cold, twisted person that can neither feel nor inspire.

It's ironic, Sweety, that I have come to this point. It goes against every fibre of my belief. But the situation is suitable - you have given me much to hate you for, though really, it's much lesser than the love I feel for you. But if I focus on all your negative points with all my strength and belief, I should be able to get there.

It will probably scar a little and that will be a gentle reminder for the pain that used to be there. But soon, I will not feel anything, anymore. I will be strong, cold, pragmatic, calculated and unfeeling - just like you, Sweety. And maybe, just maybe - it will help me understand you better and the complexity of your actions.

I'm sorry, but I am tired.

Hate does make you older, but perhaps a little aging is good for me. Perhaps, it's not good to be younger than you really are, at heart and correspondingly naive and unduly trusting in the good nature of others.

For isn't it better, to live long as a realist than to die young, as a broken idealist? Maybe Life is trying to teach me something.