Out Of Reach

There was a house BBQ party last night at Yummy Girl's place. It was a low-key affair, but I really enjoyed myself. The food was good and the company was excellent.

Yummy Girl is one of those girls who I've always admired, but has always been out of my reach. Not because of anything else - but because she considers me "too nice", for her liking - a large part of which is because, I don't drink alcoholic beverages or smoke.

(She's actually said this before to me, one night in a club in KL, albeit in a slightly tipsy and half-flirtatious mode - "You know, Ray - I'd go out with you, if you weren't so baik". I had half a mind to list out to her all my vices (and mistakes) to her just to show that I'm not that baik - but I was hesitant - just in case, she would start rolling on the floor in laughter, at how inconsequential and mainstream it was)

And sometimes, I'm bemused at the way she introduces me to her friends - "This is Ray - this is one of the most BAIK (with emphasis) guys I know". Aisey, that really kills my chicks market, man.

"Baik", just does not cut it, nowadays - everyone wants someone with at least, a tinge of bad-ass-ness. Loads of it and if you look like a tragedy about to happen, is even better.


But back to Yummy Girl. Like me, she's divorced - her marriage ended because her first husband is a bum that absolutely did not deserve her, though he was very good-looking.

But what I love about her, is that she's grounded and there are no airs about her - none of these pretentious KL hip-and-happenin' wannabe bullshit, that you get so much, of nowadays. It's refreshing to see someone like that - she lives her life in these pretentious circles, but she's never let that influence her.

She's warm, genuine, intelligent, attractive, hardworking, ambitious and driven, relatively successful for someone her age, is devoted to her family, sociable, down-to-earth, has a great sense of humour and in her spare time, is purely laidback and fun. Just the sort of girl you can imagine spending a lazy Sunday at home with, but still having lots of fun, because of the person that she is.

She's a liberal (slightly more than me) but she's rooted in core traditional values and she doesn't aim to live her current lifestyle, forever. She's acknowledged to me that she would make a U-turn, someday and she wants a partner that could help her go down that path. But maybe right now, she wants someone that's more like her, in her current stage.

I know that we have a lot of common ground in some areas - but I guess, it's the areas where we don't have much in common, that will keep her from even giving me a second look. It's a pity - honestly, major differences aside - I've always looked at her as EXACTLY the sort of girl, I'd go for. She would make someone out there, a very lucky husband, one day.

Oh, well,...I guess some things in one's life is only meant to be admired from up close. But in another life and in another circumstance,...hell, who knows?!,...

Perhaps, some things are meant to be out of reach for me, in this lifetime.

Maybe in the next lifetime, I should be born an heir, to a mafia boss. That should kill off the "baik" image. Ha!

Stingray - Live On Stage!

There are times when a night turns out, unexpectedly. Last night was one of those nights.

I was at The Room (not it's real name)in KL, my regular night hang-out nowadays. Acat, Jamil and Eva, were with me, too - on my persuasion that The Room had one of the best live bands in KL. It was a 3-piece band with a lead vocalist with vocals that could whip former Malaysian Idol or Akademi Fantasia contestants, maybe even winners.

As I was sipping my Coke, Azman (the guitarist in the band) walked up to me and said, "Hey, thanks again for coming tonight, man! I saw that you were listening to our music intently - you looked like a pretty good listener. Do you play a musical instrument?"

"Nope. But I do sing", I replied. What I meant to say was that I'm a regular at Star KTV, Bangsar. (which later, I found out, he assumed differently - he thought I had performed with a live band, before!)

"Like what songs?", he asked.

"Well, I don't remember the lyrics to most songs. But setakat Man Bai's "Kau Ilhamku" tu boleh la", I half-joked.

"Okay! Later I call you up on stage - you sing at the open mike session", Azman said.

I laughed, because I thought he was joking.

Oh boy, was I wrong.


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The "open mike" session is a session at The Room, where its patrons get to perform on stage with the live band. And usually, the people who go up stage, are quite good.

As I as chating to Eva and the first singer for the open mike had finished his rendition, I heard my name being called by PJ, the lead vocalist of the band.

Alamak! Azman was not joking! Mati la aku!

My friends were shocked. I was hoping to let it pass - if I kept quiet, maybe they'd move on to another name.

They didn't. I am so dead and buried, I thought.

Reluctantly, I forced myself to get on stage, smiled at Azman and PJ and waited for Azman to give me the guitar cue. There was none - the band was going to play "Kau Ilhamku" using keyboard, which sounded slightly different.

I panicked. I couldn't get the keys right and my first few notes of "Kau Ilhamku" came out off tune. Dammit! This had to happen on the night when The Room was full of people-lah.

I had imagined that I'd never get anyone to talk to me again, after this session was over. They'd probably think this "mamat bodoh perasan boleh menyanyi" is on stage with a live band, wasting everyone's time.

I closed my eyes and listened intently and waited for my voice to "lock in" with the keyboard key, on the song. By about the third line of the song, it "clicked" and everything sounded in my head, like it was supposed to be.

Did I tell you that I was shaking like a leaf, too? Yes, I was!

But from the third line onwards, I was in control of the song. And it felt good, having a great live band, back me up - this is certainly far better, than the karaoke room!

And after a while, the crowd was singing along! And I had June Baharuddin, the owner of Galeri Tangsi, giving me moral support from the floor. That was very thoughtful and really helped me overcome the initial jitters. (June insisted later that I sounded a lot like Man Bai, the original singer of the song!). And truth be told, there was a point where I came to enjoy being on stage - it felt good.

I belted the song out to the best of my ability - and once I was done, there was a fairly strong of applause, from the audience in The Room. Half-shaking still, I handed the microphone over back to PJ, who smiled said "I never knew you could sing". I jokingly replied, "that makes 2 of us!". ;)

I got down from the stage, amidst the surprised stares that came from some parts of the audience (especially, from some of the girls, thankfully). Acat, Jamil and Eva were very encouraging - "you were good, bro'!", they said.

Later, as the 2nd session ended, Azman walked up to me and said "Was that your first session with a live band? You were trembling!". I replied, "Well, yes, in a public place. Have only jammed before once or twice, in private settings".

And he said, "You started out pretty shaky, but after that you were good. Good voice and good voice control. I'll call you up to the stage again, one of these days."

And this time, I didn't make the same mistake of thinking that he was joking. I said in a serious tone, "No, bro'! - that was the first and the last" and I laughed.

Later on in the night, PJ and the keyboardist (I can't remember his name, it sounded like Amran) were also saying nice things to me, about my singing. They were surprised that it was my first time, with a live band, too. Maybe they were just being nice. It doesn't matter - even if they were half-sincere and if I at least, did not make a total fool of myself - I would have been happy with that. :)

But yes, it was a memorable night at The Room. One that I would cherish forever.

Damn! Now I wish I had photos! :)

Insight

This quote from Camille Paglia, writer and feminist supremo, got me thinking about the youth in Malaysia and our own education system:

"There's something dangerously solipsistic about our young people. They know less and less about the world around them. They know less and less about history.

Of course, that's my generation's influence: we wanted to give them an education that seemed relevant to their lives, but the end-result is that their education is specious and empty.

Everything harsh has been removed from their education, because we haven't wanted to upset them.

But I say, let education give them the horrors, so that they don't have to get them from video games,....Destruction is an important theme of human experience, and they don't get it from their education."



Have our parents' generation made the same mistake with ours? And will we be making the same mistake with our next generation - by sweeping difficult historical issues, under the carpet? And by doing so, inadvertantly condemning the future of the next generation, as a nation?

Nations are not just built on mutual agreement, goodwill and comfort. Great nations are sometimes born of poverty, conflicted idelogies, disagreements, civil and world wars, factions, tragedies, death and constant adaptation to a changing world. Witness Japan, Germany, India and China.

To appreciate the meaning and value of progress - one needs to understand its absence and the steps of history, pain and price for that progress, that many have paid before us - for the sake of their beliefs and for the sake of our future.

We need to understand why the generation of our elders, did what they did for us. And then, we have to understand, what we have to do, for our forebears to prosper. Time and circumstances are not static and neither should our thinking be.

Let the young ask the difficult and sensitive questions. They need to understand, for the sake of our future survival. The worst curse that you can give this new generation, competing in a globalized world - is to restrict their thinking within the boxed parameters of past sensitivities.

Food for thought.

Of Merit in Malaysia

This issue has been spinning around in my head, for the last few weeks now.

Just that I've not been in the mood to write anything regarding public issues, lately. Perhaps, it's the old and weary part of me talking.

Or it's nauseating to see empty vessels, incessantly shouting for reform - totally, not cognizant that having an opinion and shouting loudly, on every single issue - encourages the powers-that-be to tune you out as "noise".

Or maybe, I'm just recharging. I have no idea.

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The question creeped into my mind about a few weeks ago: Do Malaysians know how to measure merit? And the context, in which it has to be measured?

Ask any middle-class Malaysian out there and he can probably roll-off to you about 5-10 hugely successful business personalities, that DOES NOT deserve to be there. They probably could not name an equivalent number of people who DESERVES to be there, though. It's as if our radars are tuned to detecting people, who are not deserving of their good fortunes.

And the reasons given are quite standard - these people succeeded with the Government's help and affirmative action, they were "hand-picked" by the powers-that-be, these people are strongly politically connected (especially to the PM), these people are involved in corruption and abuse of power, they do not know the domain, they're just Oxbridge young brats, it's because people like themselves are not selected, they're born with a silver spoon, they're UMNOputras, they're too young to be successful, etc.


Everyone has a perception of what merit (and more so, what is NOT)in Malaysia. It comes out in the way they talk about other people. It comes out in the way they write. It comes out in the way they think.


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Admittedly, there is blatant corruption and abuse of power in Malaysia, that distorts the perception of merit.

We can't explain how our Ministers live in huge mansions and have more cars than some successful entrepreneurs (I bet you that if some were asked, they can't explain it, either). We can't explain why there are more rich people, than businesses. We can't explain how people have so much money to spend on their "downliners" in politics. We can't explain why current or former civil servants, are living a lifestyle, way above their income.

But does that mean, that there is no merit within the system? And does that mean that all those who have benefited from (direct or indirect) Government or political patronage are undeserving of their success?


When we ask someone to describe someone who they think is truly a success, without Government assistance, political patronage or affirmative action policies - at an extreme, they will describe someone who is from a poor family (or at least, not from a rich one), has a business that sells to the consumers (and does not deal with the Government or lobbying for Government contracts/licenses), is not politically-linked, is not linked to criminal or vice activities and is almost always, street-smart.


Everything else - seems to have non-merit elements within merit elements. Therefore, condemning the merit side.

For example, if you hire a chartered accountant to run a national car company, people say that he has no automotive background and he does not deserve to be there. Even if the national car company, is financially bleeding like it's gone to war in Iraq.

If a young politician is successful in business and is family-linked to the leadership of the country, people will say that his success (and the firm that he's associated with) is successful, because of politics. Forget the fact that he's not the first or the last, of these sort of animals and there's many giant corporations out there, that got to where they are, due to Government concessions or political patronage.

If he's public about his involvement in business - he's asking for a media hanging. In Malaysia, if you're rich - it's best that you keep a low profile - like Tan Sri Ananda Krishnan, like Tan Sri Quek Leng Chan, like Dato' Tong Kooi Ong (formerly of Phileo) or Tan Sri Hamdan of Ranhill. It's better to be rumoured that you're politically-connected than for it to be publicly known.

If a few young bright sparks from some of the best universities and successful MNC consulting firms in the world, comes in to do policy work for the PM and DPM in the Government - he will be said to be unfairly "hand-picked" by the mafioso few who are politically-connected, because they're young and green and have never been in the civil service - regardless of their merits.

If you're a 2nd generation entrepreneur who has succeeded in growing the family business by three-folds, people say that you were lucky, because you had a father who was an entrepreneur and a rich man. You had the foundation that others, perhaps, did not.

And at any occasion when any of these people fall, many sections of the public will celebrate.

Because they perceive it as justice. Because they perceive that true merit means that the persons deserving will never be a failure, regardless of external circumstances like an economic crisis or a political clean-up and witch-hunt(like post Anwar Ibrahim downfall of the corporates and business personalities closely linked to him). Even though this does not bear out the general reality of success, anywhere in the world - but the perception is such.


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Yes, there is abuse and corruption in the system. That's undeniable. It happens everywhere and all of us have had instances where we've closed our eyes, to it. Perhaps because the corruption and abuse is so closely linked to our familly members, people we consider friends or business partners.

We absolve our responsibility by saying - at least, I was not involved in the corruption/abuse of power. I am clean and I obtain an honest living. I don't cheat anyone and I'm not political. And I have to guard the rice bowl for my wife and children and I don't want to create enemies. That is all I can do.

But the truth is - we're all involved. Every time we keep silent about a corrupt act or an abuse of power. Especially the ones, which we can prove. We are intimately guilty, of conspiring with thieves and sophitsicated thugs.

Even though we may have our own reasons for doing so. But our hands are equally stained - as quiet accomplices, to criminals or worse, hypocrites who are criminals and accuse others of being criminals.

And we lose our legitimacy to criticize our leaders. We lose our honour. We lose our merit, as citizens.

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But there must be a recognition of a few things, in Malaysia - for us to be able to recognize merit for what it is.

1) The Government is one of the biggest demand source in the country. There will be thousands of businessmen that will have to do business, with the Government.

The question is: how transparent is the system in dealing with the Government and to what degree?

Where the Government is involved, there WILL BE political involvement - and hence, you will see people joining political parties, for political advantage, rather than public service. It's inevitable, regardless of what line (or which country) you're in. Even if you don't see it - someone's doing the lobbying out there for you to get your business. It doesn't just land on your plate, by open tender - although theoretically, it should.


2) There's no such thing as a perfect candidate for the GLC job. If the person is one of the best candidates for the job and he gets it, give him time to prove himself. Don't attack him while he's still doing his job - you're setting him (and the GLC of which he is in charge of) for failure.

A GLC cannot be run from a direct democracy of majority opinions. Once you pick the manegement team, you give them the space and you stand aside, monitor and pray really hard. Because otherwise, thousands will lose their jobs, due to "management by political pressure".


3) People are both good and bad. They cannot be judged to be evil, because of one or a few mistakes. Nor are they all good, even if they've done a few good things in their lives, so far.

As a citizen, you have a right and an obligation to fight corruption. But don't sentence everyone with a political or family advantage, to the same verdict - that they're undeserving of what they have.

Look deeper and you will see that there may be merit in their existence - even getting contracts in, is a definite revenue value-add. You must recognize elements of merit where it exists - even in a system which may be manifestly corrupt.

Advantage is in the eye of the management. Corporate tactics are not supposed to be public domain knowledge.


4) UMNO is a contract distribution mechanism in this country. It has been so, since the mid-late 80's. That is a reality.

It is a reality that has created many Malay millionaires - sometimes, just purely out of "Ali Baba" sub-contracting or "middleman" profiteering arrangements.

It is a reality that has benefited many non-Bumiputras too - some of them secretly are the "proxies" to the patronage and wealth of politicians. It has been an unholy alliance - but certainly not as one-sided, as it's made out to be. Behind closed doors, the benefits of this abuse has been shared by all races.

And it has created some successful genuine Bumiputra businessmen too - except that once in a while, they've had to share their pecuniary gains with their political masters. Which in Government concessions, inflates the cost of the project and passes the buck to the taxpayers.

It has even benefited NGOs, humanitarian, industry and youth associations. Without these successful wealthy Bumiputras from UMNO, there will no donations, press coverage and patronage funds for events held. If we're honest enough to ourselves, we would admit that.

Yes, the system lacks merit. It's not the best people that gets the Government contracts. Sometimes, it's the worst and the most expensive - perhaps, because there are many "layers" that have to be financially greased.


Here you have a few choices.

a) Fight to change the system and encourage a true merit-based open tender system be it with or without affirmative action policies. Take the contract distribution system out of UMNO and other political parties.

Here you will have to change the culture of both political parties and the civil service. You may even have to do a major sacking and restaffing of the civil service. Tall order, but the best economic returns in the long run.


b) Failing that, you will have to maintain the status quo and befriend many politicians and civil servants at many levels, to get the Government jobs, contracts and concessions.


c) And if you refuse to do that - stop going for Government jobs and start selling to the consumers and the private sector. Although unless you have an extensive international reach, that may be equivalent to cutting your demand market, by half.


d) Migrate. And even that, there are no guarantees that problems like these, do not exist in developed countries, albeit, perhaps, to a lesser extent.

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There are some things which make up the underlying context of this country. And it will take time to change - because the changes cannot happen faster, than the mindset of the governed.

Affirmative action for more equitable economic distribution, eradication of poverty, a unity that depends on the give-and-take between race-based political parties, close business and political nexus, creation of a large Malay middle-class, etc.

You can either accept it or work to change the context. Or you can reject it and play outside of the context. But bear in mind, that there are many others, that cannot (or will not) escape the "context".

That is the reality. Don't judge them for it. Don't cheapen their success and accuse all of them, for lack of merit - it's unfair to sweep everyone, with the same broad brush, just because they're politically-connected. Aren't all of us, in some way or another?

Politics is a context and reality that cannot be avoided, in Malaysia.

It stares back at us everyday - mostly, because the abuse or imprudence has resulted in taxpayers paying for the mistakes of the Government and politicians. It makes us pay more for things. It encroaches on our individual rights. It threatens the viability of our businesses, sometimes.

But please find it in your heart and mind, to recognize the merit of others, where it exists. There are 2 sides to every story.

It may be relative, in some cases - but without a recognition of merit, in some of these gray cases - we will only create a society that is suspicious, cynical, politically-driven, contemptuous of the success of others and is critical, without being constructive.

We will be creating crabs in a basket - instead of eagles that can soar.

A Tribute to "Queen"

It was a string of firsts for me.

It was the first "indoor" mini-concert that I've ever been to - and in KL Sentral Hilton, too. It's the first concert that I've been to, in years, where I do not make up one of the older ones in the crowd.

And it's the first time I watched an "imitation" band too - the real Freddie Mercury is dead and Queen is no more.

But did I have a good time? Hell, yeah! :)

Our imitation "Freddie" was energetic and stayed in character all through out. He had an amazing likeness to Freddie Mercury looks-wise and copied some of Freddie's more outrageous behaviour and sense of dress (and several states of undress, too) to perfection.

"Queen" belted out all the major classics like "We Will Rock You", "We Are The Champions", "Bohemian Rhapsody", "Somebody To Love" "I Was Born To Love You", etc. and the crowd, which ranged from people in their 60's to teenagers, rocked on with them on the floor of the Grand Ballroom in the KL Hilton Sentral.

It was a VIP and celebrity "who's who" event, too - seen gliding around the ballroom was the striking Arianna Teoh, Malaysia's amazing funnyman, Harith Iskandar, our very own yellow-haired music queen, Anita Sarawak and Dato' Ali Kadir, former Chairman of Securities Commission, who was in very groovy 70's get-up. And former VJ and model, Noor Zalia, was busy too, but as part of the organizing staff of the host, KL Hilton.

The music was great, "Queen" was energetic and I was part of the younger set at the concert. Could I have asked for more?

Yes. But that revolved more around the behaviour of my date.

Moral of the story: After a certain age, it gets tiring to date people who are not your type and do not understand politeness and common courtesies. As much as I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, I should trust my instincts a bit more. It tends to get sharper with age and experience. Otherwise, everything is a waste of time, effort and money.

That aside, "Queen" rocked! I really enjoyed the mini-concert and by the looks of it, so did the other 400-500 people who attended. Even though the concert was held in an air-conditioned room, but due to all the vigoruous dancing and singing along, everyone in the front rows, were sweating!

And supper with Sharizal and his lovely and youthful friend, Hottie, made up for all the disappointments of the night. (Even though I did not get the last nasi lemak drumstick chicken for the night, eh Rizal?)

Thank God for good friends! :) And long live the spirit of Queen!

Changes and Boundaries

Tonight, I realized again how awful I am, at adapting to changes.

It was not something that I didn't expect. I knew that it may be coming around the corner - but maybe deep inside, I wished for a different conclusion.

My ex-wife told me tonight that her current beau has drawn the boundaries for her and she is never to see me, for a casual outing again.

My reaction was mixed, to this piece of news. I was happy for her that she's with someone - and I pray to God that he's better for her, than I could ever be, for her. I've been carrying the guilt of the divorce with me for a few years now - perhaps, it's time to let the burden down - now that she's started life on a brand new page.

But I guess,...somewhere at the back of my mind, I thought I would never lose Kitty. Not as a close friend and as someone who used to be a lot more, to me. I mean, how many people in the world can you claim to have been your ex-wife? Someone who you used to share a life with?

I guess I had imagined that we'd both move on in our lives, be happy with our new partners and go on to have brand new families - but to always have that special space for each other - to be continuously supportive of each other, to celebrate the other's victories, to pick the other one up, when the chips were down. I guess I'd imagined we'd be one of these "modern and amicable" divorced couples.

I guess I had imagined that all this possible - because we were one of the lucky couples to be still on good terms, despite our separation and divorce. I remember the amazed looks and stares we used to get from other people, on the fact that we still get along famously, post-divorce.

But I sometimes forget where I am. And how being a liberal does not quite fit in the larger scheme of things. Nothing can remain the same.

This is Malaysia and no conservative Malay man in their right minds would accept their girlfriends/wives being on pretty friendly terms, with their ex-husbands. It's just not the done thing. The past is the past - and it belongs nowhere else but in our memories.

And in my mind, I know all this. I know how things fit and don't fit. I know life can't be as ideal as we'd like to imagine it to be - even if we had the sort of mould breakers that make nonsense, out of social and societal norms.


But I guess - I'm feeling this way because I know I'll greatly miss Kitty's company. It's indeed a great loss to me, not being able to see her again - and being reduced to the occasional "hi-how-are-you" phone calls. My ex-wife is a warm and giving person, a great conversationalist and certainly, one of the most intelligent women, I've ever come across in my life. She has a kooky sense of humour, bags of humility and great dress sense.

She loved me for who I am and accepted all of my faults, without exception. And her gracious sense of forgiveness, is second to none. And there is great strength in her - the potential of which, even she does not realize.

The marriage was not a success - but I consider some of the moments I've had with her as some of the most blessed in my life. With Zaphod, my brother-in-law, the gentlest soul and one of the most understanding people I've ever met. With her Mama and Papa - moments of sheer parental love from people who were not my flesh and blood. They were both proud of my achievements - and unlike my late mother - had the chance to tell me this, when they're still alive.

I'm happy for you, Kitty. I honestly am. I wish you all the best in your future, with him. May he be able to give you the all the happiness in the world, that I never could.

But yes,...I will miss your presence, Kitty.

But it's time that I accept that no matter how hard you (or other people) strive to break the mould - life will not always be, as you imagined it to be. We have a say and a stake in society but reciprocally, society has a a say and a stake in our lives, too.

No man is an island. Changes will always come. Boundaries will constantly be redrawn by you, with you and for you. The trick is not to avoid all earthly attachments - the trick is to accept and graciously release, when inevitable situations arise which may change the coastlines of your life.

There is a time and place for everything under the sun, as the saying goes.

And unflagging courage, faith and maturity is what it takes, to give it your all, despite the grief of what you may lose tomorrow, when the boundaries change on you.

Say It Again, Waldo!

The meaning of success by Ralph Waldo Emerson, American poet and philosopher:-

"To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others;
to leave the world a little better;
whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.

This is the meaning of success."

I share Emerson's thoughts on this one. I could not have said it better, so I'll let his words do the talking, this time.

Dead Calm

No, am not going to discuss the Nicole Kidman movie.

That's just the way I currently feel about my life right now.

Business is progressing well and in the right direction, I've got good meaningful friendships which have been nurtured over a period of time with many, I enjoy my participation in the NGO and I'm slowly beginning to learn to be okay with eating alone or enjoying my own company, over a good book or a solitary karaoke.

Funnily enough, I don't feel anything anymore about the thought of being alone and not romantically involved with anyone. Have stopped pinning hopes on being married or having a family. For the first time in years, I'm truly in the moment.

And it's not so scary. It's either I'm in a good place or some internal psychological sedative has kicked in my brain, keeping me calm, about life.

I'm not quite sure.

They say that a life without things to look forward to, is not worth living. Well, I have many things to look forward to - but just not in the romantic relationships/family sphere. Everyone has a weakness which they just can't quite seem to overcome - and I guess that's just mine.

And I accept it. At least, for now.

I'm not quite sure what's causing me not to feel anything - but perhaps, it's a good thing, for the while.

It's consoling not to live in wait, for something. It makes each moment more meaningful - clearer, more appreciated and doing your best in each moment that comes.


Whatever it is that You're doing to calm me down, Almighty - thank you for this peaceful moment. I could do, with more moments like these.

First Deletion: A Note to Captain Titanic

I have deleted the blog entry "The Fall of Captain Titanic" from my blog.

It is the FIRST entry that I have EVER deleted from this blog and the only memory that I will ever have of that piece, will be the draft of that entry.


What merits this amendment?

It's not fear, because I don't write in this private forum (with hardly 20 loyal readers) with fear - NO ONE tells me what or how to write, in this little private space of mine. It's not regret, because I don't usually regret what I say in these blog entries. I meant them, when I said them.


I'm deleting that entry, because it matters to me, so that Captain Titanic does not regard (or imagine) me as his enemy. Because I am not - he only has to count the number of times that I've been there for him and Yuppie Forum. And if he doesn't know yet, he could ask some of the people around him.


It's a unique relationship we have - some of his values and reactions are anathema to me - but yes, due to our past history, I am protective of him, in some strange, twisted way. It's like honour amongst the "less-than-friends".

To Captain Titanic - for the umpteenth time, please know this.

NO ONE is after your position - it's not the office of the President of the USA. They're just waiting for you to retire gracefully, at the end of your term. You will remain unchallenged (unless you overstay your age limit). Of that much, I am certain.

I don't want your position. I have my own organization and circle of influence, the effectiveness of which I'm relatively happy with.

Look at the facts. I was the first to resign from one of your Committees, when I disagreed with you. This is your organization and you led it and I respected that. If I didn't agree with it, I should leave, which I did.

Despite leaving the position, my contribution to Yuppie Forum continued, in one form or another.

Yuppie Forum's first press release, the roundtable session (which I originated), the moderating session in one of the LM sessions, the white paper on education, the representation on the NITC (I picked to represent Yuppie Forum, not the other way round), some of the earliest days of the charity programs, the bowling team (which used to be the most active unit in the Sports Committee), sessions with international leaders, my contributions on Yuppie Forum online discussions, etc.

I left my position in Yuppie Forum, because I did not agree with your way of doing things. But I never left you or Yuppie Forum. I believed that just because I disagreed with you, it does not make it a bad organization. It still had a lot of promise and I still gave more than my fair share, for someone who disagreed with the leadership (i.e. you, Captain Titanic).

And I've proven to you before, that if our argument online, risked making you look really bad in front of 10,000 people and therefore, further damaging yourself - that I would apologize, even when I have no cause to do so. Because if I fought fire with fire (which I bloody well could), it is everyone's "home" (i.e. Yuppie Forum) that will be burnt down.


Secondly, I'm not the Chief Opposition of your leadership, that you imagine. I would LOVE to take the credit for all the things that you imagine me "scheming" with a whole string of people (it's a credit which I'm sure KJ gets often, too), but honestly, I'm not THAT good. If I was, Pak Lah would have hired me, by now.

Please have a little more faith in people (at least those that you have known for 10 years) and stop being paranoid.


Thirdly, you have always known my stand on things. If I disagreed with you, you would KNOW about it. There are a whole bunch of people around you, whom it would be like extracting teeth for them, to tell you what they really think of you. They don't even try to save you when you're "jumping down a cliff".

But with me, you always get a spade, that's called a spade. Except that it's a figure of speech and you'd never have it impolitely hit on your head.

Now that I've been kicked out from Yuppie Forum's online forum, I hope there are others that will dare to be honest with you.


Fourthly, I'm doing this, because I want you to have a little faith in people and better judgement. Not everyone who disagrees with you is your enemy and not everyone that agrees with you, is your true friend.

I can at least, identify one person whom you trust and whose company you keep - when the sky is falling on you - he will be the first, to abandon your side. Learn from the Anwar Ibrahim and Zahid Hamidi episode - loyalty without courage, can be such a treacherous thing.

We don't have to like each other and we're perfectly entitled to be different. But I want you to know that if someone from the outside of our circle of friends intended you harm - I would defend you. Not because I think you're right, but because you're capable of a helluva lot better, in future.


Some of your best traits are already similar to Dr. M.'s. And if you could avoid emulating some of his perceived worst traits - then you'd be on your way to being a better leader than he was. I still have faith in you.

Some of my closest friends, would perceive this as an act of weakness and misplaced faith for someone who they think does not deserve it.

For my sake and for yours, Captain Titanic - I hope you prove them wrong. This gesture comes difficult for me but I hope the story below would make it clearer to you, why I'm doing it.


I remember a story related by Lee Kuan Yew of how Dr. Mahathir (when he was a young medical student) never forgot how a Singaporean Chinese cab driver had sent him to the servant's quarters in Singapore - he never forgot what he regarded as a deep, personal insult and how it coloured his perception of the Singaporean Chinese, many years later, in Parliament.

And it became part of the Malay "ultra" group pressure on the Tunku that led to Singapore, being separated from Malaysia.

For every drop of a cynical moment that you save someone from, there may be a ripple of horrible future consequences, for the person and others, that may be avoided.

Good luck to you, Captain Titanic.

Enter The Golden Age

I watched "The 3rd Generation" last night, a made-in-Malaysia Cantonese movie.

It starred some promising young new stars - Nicholas Teo, Amber Chia (in her debut role) and the magnetic Carmen Soo.

Truth be told, it was a good attempt by director, CL Hor. If camerawork was the only measure of a film, "The 3rd Generation" would have been a great movie. And it had a pretty solid storyline too, although the storytelling could have been done more fluidly and with more dialogue, as opposed to expressive physical posturing.

To me, "The 3rd Generation" fleshed out what it's like to be a part of a tradition-bound Chinese family, with its inherent values.

The importance of discipline and hard work, the preservation of tradition and culture, the respect for elders and formal family structures, the maintenance of a spiritual base despite any emotional conflicts or transgressions, the measurement of merit by material achievement, the emphasis on getting the best education - all these values that are entrenched, in a traditional Chinese family.

And the loss of such stoic and strong values - leads to the common belief that wealth in a family, cannot be retained beyond 3 generations. The message comes across clearly - times may change, each generation is different - but the formula for success is rooted in these long-cherished values.

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However, there were parts of the movie, which could be improved on. The deliberate selection of the "French" style of movie-making, (which is usually slow and symbolic) made the story a little dragging for the average Malaysian.

The sing-song way which Nicholas Teo's character (the Younger Chan) and Carmen Soo's character (Linda) expressed their feelings for each other, was grating on my nerves. And one wonders why Linda's character had so few clothes, within a few years. (Although I must say, Carmen Soo's figure looks good in anything)

The (attempted) erotic tango scene would have done better if Linda was dressed in an evening dress, as opposed to the top-half of the pyjamas, she had on. Amber Chia did okay for her debut, I felt, alhtough she was given very limited script to explore the range of what she could do.

Uncle Chan's character was the most well-performed of the lot. I can't remember the actor's name, but he's good.

******************************************************************************

Personally, I'm optimistic about the Malaysian movie scene. Film-makers in Malaysia are beginning to experiment with different styles of making films and it's refreshing.

And the talent pool, is encouraging too. If I look at the new generation of capable Malaysian young actors and actresses - Nicholas Teo, Sharifah Amani and her big sister, Sharifah Aleya, Sazzy Falak, Nor Fazura, Carmen Soo, Amber Chia, Chelsia Ng, etc. - there's hope that there will be many more Malaysian films (like Sepet) which reflect Malaysian realities, in the future.

If P. Ramlee's movies could reflect a more Malaysian identity, why can't we do it now? How are we to get Malaysians to watch their own local movies, if their movies belie their own existence?

Books, music and films are a nation's way of reflecting on itself. Our books, music and films need to mature together, for our people to grow together. It's a part of our shared heritage and a culture that we create and engender - the things that define us closer together - as opposed to drawing us apart.

And looking at the some of the directors that are beginning to push the borders on our film-making creativity and raise the quality bar of Malaysian films - Afdlin Shauki, Yasmin Ahmad and CL Hor - I'm quite optimistic.

The Golden Age of Malaysian movies is just about to begin. :)


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On a last note, I'd like to make a prediction: Carmen Soo will one day, be a big Asian film star. She's got a remarkable screen presence and she's got a long way to go, to mature as an actress.

But once she does, she'll be our next Michelle Yeoh. Bet on it. And remember that you read it here, first. :)

Batman Returns?

It was a private dinner at a golf club in town with the newly-appointed CEO of a Government-linked industry body, that is one of the key drivers of the K-Economy since the mid-1990s.

Let's call the new CEO - Batman. And for the sake of discussion, let's call the GLC industry body, MesseD-up Co. (for its innate ability so far, to spend billions of RM of taxpayer's money and not achieve its objectives)

When I heard that Batman was appointed for the job, I was pleased but nevertheless concerned, for him.

This is a man who has spent his entire working life in one of the most advanced and well-known high-tech MNCs, in the world. Although still relatively young, he could have chosen to go into semi-retirement or work for another GLC-linked private entity that was not so problematic, nor political.

But Batman accepted the offer to head MesseD-up Co., which was previously headed by the fun, affable but "not-interested-in-doing-the-job" Salsa King. Salsa King's contract was not renewed, much to the joy and relief of the industry players.

MesseD-up Co. has a such a long and negative history with industry players, that if it was a point of reference that could be ignored, it probably would have been. Although the salaries of the senior management would rival the salaries of some of the Vice-Presidents in Petronas - making them some of them, some of the most overpaid locals in town - they just did not deliver on the results.

*******************************************************************************

My first impression of Batman, was that he was disarmingly charming.

Within 20 minutes of the dinner, the whole table had warmed up to his casual, down to earth, no holds-barred, no-comments-censored style. He called a spade a spade, but always kept the outlook positive and optimistic.

He's an extremely confident guy but it was clear that he knew how big his future task is and how important it is for Malaysia, to take the next leap in the K-economy. Make no mistake - his easygoing demeanour may make you under-estimate him but I could see him assessing all of us, gauging our views and experience.

He likened his task for the next 5 years in MesseD-up Co, as one of transforming a 737 into a 747, but in mid-air and during the flight. I thought it quite apt, although I didn't want to rain on his parade, by saying that he also needs to throw out some of the co-pilots and cabin crew in there too and get brand new ones, who are actually interested, in doing their job.


He outlined what he wanted to do and the sort of support that he needed from industry players, to do it. But mostly, he was there to listen to our opinion on the issues that need addressing within the industry. He wanted the big picture and to identify the areas which Messed-up Co. could play a role. But he wanted our help to make that change - he confessed that he could not do this alone.

Batman was attentive and asked a lot of good, probing questions. And sometimes, his observations, are acutely sharp. He requested of us not to disagree in public but to debate all the issues behind closed doors - as disagreeing in public, would only damage his efforts at MesseD-up Co. and the initiatives that he's trying to drive, within it.

He said to all of us at the table: "MesseD-up Co. will be more customer-driven, after this. Our KPI will be measured by the success of our industry players and they will be our measure, of whether we're successful or not. There will be no "syok-sendiri" self-measurement."

I'd never thought I'd hear this from a CEO of MesseD-up Co. But well, this is the difference when you bring in someone qualified to do the job, from the private sector!

The meeting lasted 2 hours, but everyone felt more charged-up and optimistic about the fate of MesseD-up Co. and in changing the landscape of the industry. We pledged our support to Batman and offered each of our respective expertise, as and when they were required.

It's going to be a gigantic task for Batman. There's no doubt about that. But there's no better person for the job right now, than him. We have to make the best of this opportunity to make that change.

********************************************************************************

Before we left the dinner, I asked him a question which has been nagging at me: "Why did you take this job? Aren't you putting your successful track record, at risk, by joining MesseD-up Co.?"

He smiled and gave his answer:

"2 reasons - First, I had spent 18 years in the MNC and I've done all I can, within this region. An internal promotion would mean that I'd have to be transferred, to somewhere out of Asia. I'm tired of overseas postings and I thought that enough was enough. I wanted to come out from the MNC and do my own thing.

Secondly, and this is the more important reason: The days when I was still in the MNC, my father always said to me that if young Malay professionals with the sort of background and expertise that I have, do not contribute back directly to the country, at some point in their lives - then, it would be an awful waste for the country."

Personally, I thought the second reason was far more compelling. One of the sparkling local boys have come back into the system, to try and help save this country, from the hazards of future economic disability. That's a heartwarming thought.

I worry for him, as he does not yet know, how bad and pervasive politicians are within MesseD-up Co. Or how frequently Government bodies have meetings for years, that leads to no action.

Or sometimes, how mistaken policies are "born", out of the Prime Minister's random remarks - just because the Minister is trying to impress the PM. I wonder how long it would take, before everything frustrates him, to the point of resignation. I hope he has the patience for the awful territory, that comes with the job.

But there is no better man for the job, at this time, than Batman. And if he's the only man that's interested in making substantive change and improvement within the industry - we will stand by him and give him our wholehearted support.

Good luck, Batman. God be with you, for the uphill battle ahead.

The Fabulous Bakin' Boys!

On my way to another meeting in KL last night - I dropped by at Alex's new cookie shop in Suria KLCC called Bakin' Boys. It's on Level 4 of Suria KLCC and is right beside Petrosains and Little Penang Kafe.

I'm REALLY glad I made the trip.

Everything there looked good and I wanted to try a bit of everything (they recommended me a box of 6 cookies of my choice) and the only reason I didn't was because I was going to have a dinner meeting, next.

So, I chose 3 items: The Milkman Meltdown, The Martian Fellow (Pseudo, I think Alex named this after you - just kidding!) and the Blueberry Muffin, with orange juice to boot.

I sat down at the semi-enclosed but seemingly quite and private seating space, behind their sales counter. My first impression was: this is a good place for first dates and couples. Or even if you want time alone with a good book (not to mention, not too far away from Kinokuniya). It's cosy and quieter (at least on weekdays) than most of the other floors in Suria KLCC.

But back to the cookies. :)

I decided to start with the Milkman Meltdown - mainly, because it has the most interesting name. ;) One bite and I knew immediately that I was going to come back for more. It was absolutely and divinely yummy! I'm a great big cookie fan, so I silenced the phone and savoured the moment. Mmmmmm,.....

Then there was the Martian Fellow. In my personal opinion, it was not as divine as the Milkman Meltdown, but it was still WELL ABOVE average. You will particularly enjoy it, if your eat around the cookie and leave the creamy bits in the middle, for last. Coool,....

Then, there was the Blueberry Muffin. It was a good solid muffin - tasty and not as crumbly, as the ones I've tasted in the other shops. But yes - it was good.

And then - as a bonus - there's this pretty girl working there - didn't manage to get her name but I think she's managing the place. (Isn't she, Alex? Yes, Alex - you owe more details! Hehe!). She looked as good, as the cookies tasted. Heh! (Pseudo, go check it out, bro'!;))

Overall, people - Bakin' Boys is well worth the exploratory trip. Make sure you drop by, on your next trip to Suria KLCC. You won't regret it, folks!

I'm looking forward to my next trip to Bakin Boys already - to try out the other cookies that I've not tasted yet. And this time, I'm taking the box of 6 and skipping dinner! :)

Well done, Alex, on the Bakin' Boys! :) It's a great achievement indeed.

Salam Aidil Adha

Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Adha to all Muslims out there, in Bolehland. May we reflect on the meaning of sacrifice in our lives and for the religion, on this auspicious day.

And for those with families, may today be another day, when you appreciate more the great blessing, that is yours.

And for the rest of the Malaysians - happy holidays and do have a good break. Drive safely, wherever you are.

Me? I'm keeping myself occupied. Am getting better at handling these lonely Eids alone. I work. I arrange for meetings, coffee outings or solitary karaoke sessions. I have dinner with old friends that fit snugly, like an old glove. I'm coping better now, even though it still feels odd and like something is amiss, in my life.

Kak is right - Raya isn't what it used to be without Mum, fussing over everything and making the day extra special with her presence. Kak's handling it by spending time with her in-laws. I'm glad for her - she was the closest to Mum, before she passed on.

Raya ain't what it used to be - but it seems to be more meaningful now, as I reflect and distinguish between things which seem important and things that really ARE important. Between things which I take for granted and the things that I shoul be more thankful for (like caring friends and good health).

Solitude is a great partner to clarity, sometimes.


EID MUBARAK, PEOPLE! :)

Crashers

I watched "The Wedding Crashers" on DVD tonight. It was hilarious!

But I found myself silently crying at one scene, in this movie. Not because it was because particularly sad, but because something like that happened to me, too. And mine didn't have a happy ending.

Life is never quite like the movies. People always come to their senses in the movies - in life, we can't always assume that things will turn out right. It may not. In the movies, people never get over you. In real life, people get over you, everyday - once they set their minds to it.

There was this one part which Owen Wilson's character said to Rachel McAdams's character (she looked divine in this movie!) "It's not that I'm asking you to marry me - I'm just asking you not to marry HIM!". That line echoed in my heart and mind - that's exactly what I felt like saying at one time, to another person.

And for a bone-tickling comedy, the story had a strong moral to it: There comes a point when you've got to stop being a "crasher" in life. It lacks meaning and it always catches up on you - when you're trying to turn over a new leaf.

I want to stop being a "crasher". I hurt myself and I hurt others, inadvertantly. This has got to stop. I can't let my loneliness and fears, get the better of me. Alone or otherwise, there has to be a better path than acting out of fear and desperation, for fear of dying alone.

Nevertheless, for those who have never been through a similar situation, I would highly recommend the movie. Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn sparkled, Rachel McAdams was captivating and Christopher Walken lent a lot of gravitas as the patriarch of the Cleary family. And the lovely and ageless Jane Seymour, was a real "handful" to deal with. :)

Just go watch it! And if you take something away from watching it, all the better for you. :)

The Storm Is Coming?

About close to 1.5 years before Dato's Seri Anwar Ibrahim's shocking downfall in 1998, I had already heard rumours in the party, of a conspiracy to bring him down, by elements within the party.

I dismissed it, thinking that it was mere empty talk, by people who had nothing else to do. Aside from the apparent growing distance in the remarks made by Dato' Seri Anwar Anwar and Dato' Seri Dr. Mahathir Mohamad at that time, there were no indicators that they were having a major falling-out, which would bring things to an open confrontation.

Of course, as circumstances would have it, the economic crisis brought everything to a point of conflict. The rest is history - some of the darkest periods that we've known in Malay and Malaysian political history.

It didn't matter, whether you liked Anwar Ibrahim or not. There was a large divisiveness, especially in the Malay community, caused by the way that the former top Government leader had been treated.

And it was only after his release under the Abdullah administration, did the Malay community (and to a larger extent, the faith of Malaysians with the judiciary) begin to recover. There was always a suspicion (deserving or otherwise) that the Government had pressured parts of the judiciary, in the Anwar Ibrahim sodomy and corruption trial.

Ironically, with Anwar's release, the pressure to reform and Keadilan's legitimacy as a reformist party, deflated tremendously. It was a master stroke by the Abdullah administration - he stamped the mark of a new age by healing the single most controversial miscarriage of justice within the Malaysian system, during the Mahathir era.

Faith in the judiciary returned after Anwar's release. And amongst a list of other promises of reforms, I remember thinking that Dato' Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi (or more popularly known as Pak Lah) had really come into his own. The signs were promising.

Almost 2 years after Anwar's release, I hear the party mill rumour mill (and other centers of influence) buzzing again. It's about possible movements to politically destabilize the current PM (who is seen to be ineffective, but nevertheless nice guy) and to "nudge" him into retirement after slightly more than one term in the office.

I could dismiss it as a mere rumour, as I did back in 1997. But back then, the under-currents were much subtler.

In this case, I sense that the under-currents are strong and visible.

The polite "no comments" stance given by the party seniors and senior civil servants when asked about Pak Lah, the reaction to the Singaporeans buying in into some major Malaysian corporations (like TM and Pantai Holdings), the frustration felt by the business community that there seems to be no leadership in Malaysia's economic direction and lately, the open battle between Tun Dr. Mahathir/Tengku Mahaleel team against the Pak-Lah backed Proton Berhad Board of Directors.

Stories are flying around everywhere about the conflict between the personalities representing the senior civil service side supporting the Abdullah administration, against the younger set of "Young Turks" on the Policy and Communications side, of the PM's Office - which is in charge of all the Abdullah admnistration's policy initiatives.

This conflict is popularly termed on some blogs as "the ninjas" versus "the scholars". Apparently, it has been rumoured that "the ninjas" are resisting the influence of the "Young Turks", causing a reactive paralysis at the top levels of the Abdullah administration.

It has been rumoured that some of the "Young Turks" have either become overloaded with work, frustrated at the indecisiveness at the top and the resistance they are facing from the political or the civil service side. They're burning out - in spirit, in energy, in enthusiasm.

But the logic was flawed to begin with - putting a small group of young but highly-qualified policy advisors from the private sector to be in charge of advising the Prime Minister, within an ocean of civil servants (who had to wait to be where they are), was just a recipe waiting to fail. It's like trying to kill an elephant with an aerosol.

It's possible that the Young Turks may not have adapted very well to the "seniority-based" culture of the Malaysian civil service and are feeling the impact of the "internal sabotage" led by some of the senior civil servants.

Truth of the matter is, if the civil service resists any attempts at reform - the Abdullah administration will fail to achieve its many promises. Information is the life blood of good policies - if the civil service side cuts the flow of Government information to the policy side - policy-making becomes an impossible process.

But back to Pak Lah. Aside from the the fact that he's a nice and religious man - there's not very much to be said for his achievements in office, so far. Perhaps, if we give him the benefit of the doubt - much of it is due to the 9th Malaysia Plan not being rolled out yet.

But critics have been quick to retort that there were ample instances where Pak Lah could have shown more leadership - the Proton issue, the promise to step up efforts against corruption (be it in Government or UMNO), the Malaysia Airlines issue, the AP issue, the Polygamy Bill issue, the Cabinet reshuffle, etc.

It could also be, that strong comparisons are still being drawn between his "laissez faire and delegated" leadership style and that of Tun Dr Mahathir's, which was far more hands-on.

Dr. Mahathir's outspoken stance against some of the policies of the Abdullah administration, the paralysis of the civil service, the still slow pace of Government-linked companies (GLC) reform (other than Telekom Malaysia), the general sentiment on the ground amongst Malaysians - that Pak Lah is being ineffective, the rumblings within the party of a challenge or "a retirement arrangement" for Pak Lah, within the next 3 years - all these are possibly signs of future turmoil, within the system.

If things remain in this mode - I think we're at the point where it's the calm before the storm.

A political storm. Possibly, the likes of which we haven't seen, since the mid 80's - when the Mahathir-Tengku Razaleigh split, literally divided UMNO into two.

There's an old Chinese curse that says - "May you live in interesting times". I foresee that the next few years, will be "interesting times" indeed, for Malaysia.
Not that we can afford to live in "interesting times" though. Our ASEAN neighbours are politically stable and making all the right moves to adapt to globalization and to surpass us, economically.

If politicians lose their focus off the ball and start focusing on an internal political "civil war" in UMNO within the next few years, the biggest losers from this outcome - will be ALL Malaysians.

May God guide the current PM, to do the correct and necessary things, for our people. May God help Malaysia, through all its challenges.

Personally, I don't want to live in "interesting times". There's already enough challenges for us out there, without having a potential political turmoil in our hands. It's an equation that will ensure that all of us, loses.

Our Multiple Lives

After a long time, we spoke again.

I'd have to admit that it felt really good, to hear her voice again. I realized how much I missed her, all over again. It was always there - I just buried it better.

But the conversation was different. It was friendly and formal, almost stand-off-ish. There was still mutual caring - but there was no affection or indicator that she was not over what we once had, together.

Not that it should surprise me. I've gone through this before with Lina, donkey years ago. And I've worn the other shoe as well, in some other relationships. You harden and your emotions to the person, grows cold and distant.

The truth of emotions, is only in the moment. Cherish the moment for what it is, for today's truth might be tomorrow's mirage. Because honestly, we don't know how long anything last. Everything has a shelf life.

You'll wonder how she gets over it, so easily. In other cases, you'll wonder how you got over it, so easily. You'll start wondering whether any part of the past, was true.

The truth is, the capacity to overcome is within us - it's only whether we choose to utilize it or not. And some people are just better at it, than others.

And sometimes, you can never come back to where you were. Trying to be friends again, after a your relationship is over - is always a tricky bit. You can act formal - but you may not be able to dictate your feelings. Unless you shut down your emotions and just let your head rule.

All you can keep about the past, are the words, the things and the images - her letters or sweet SMSes, her old soft toy or her favourite T-shirt which she gave you, photos of the times spent with her and the multiple number of sweet memories. Those are the only reminders that you have, that the moments were once that good.

And then the past walks away from you. Her voice, her presence, her tenderness, her smiles and laughter, the sensuous way she calls your name, the smell of her hair, the slow dances in your living room - everything about her, disappears from your present.

The only thing you have are your memories. Otherwise, the present makes a lie out of some of the most important utterances, promises and moments in our life.

When the past has passed you by, old moments die and new moments are born. That's the cycle of life - we live and die several times, in a multiple number of moments in our life. Until our time is finally up.

And a person becomes older due to the number of "moment lifetimes" that he's lived through. Those who live more, will probably die more. Dying repeatedly will make you old, if your heart remembers everything. Nothing ages, as fast as the heart.

I wish for all of you, fewer "lives" and fewer "deaths", in your lifetime. And may your moments of happiness, be more meaningful and last longer.

And may your heart and mind, not remember everything.

Bangkit Phoenix?

I don't know what it is, but as the clock struck 12 for the New Year, a new spirit overcame me.

I decided to forgive some of the people who I feel have wronged me (except for dastardly brother dearest, who has not apologized, EVER) in the past. I sent them a new year SMS, as a mark of forgiveness. I didn't want to carry anger with me, into the new year.

And it felt like a good time to draw the line. Anger is a double-edged sword. Keeping it inside hurts me, too.

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Something else felt different this year. I've somehow magically regained my fighting spirit.

There's this feeling that I want to get involved again - in industry organizations, in policy issues, in national service and generally, in shaping change in Malaysia.

In the last few days, I've been writing to YuppieForum again. It felt good to be back. And getting involved in the debates, made me feel alive again. I have so much to say, so much to share, so much in there that I identify with, that gives me meaning. And besides, what the hell else is the point of all this reading, if I don't contribute something back, with the knowledge gained?

The young in this country are voicing out and asking questions. They want answers, they want a new worldview, they want trust between the races, they want a new Malaysia. They want thought leadership, if not walk leadership.

And I know that there's something I can give here. And it helps fulfill me - it satiates a sense of purpose that has always been there, that I've kept in abeyance.

Perhaps, the spark of faith inside me, has reignited? Maybe.

Maybe I'm tired of taking a backseat and watching this country go by. Maybe I want to do something about it. Maybe I feel that I'm not young anymore and I represent the 60% majority in this country, those below the age of 40. It is the stage for my age-group - there's no need for so much deference to the oldies, anymore.

Maybe because some things come more naturally to me, than futile efforts at romantic relationships. If I can't make love work, I should at least, make life work, right?.

But 2006 is looking good and feeling good, so far.:)